Ch. 11: Here Without You

Val was worried. She couldn't focus more than 5 seconds in what she was doing and several times she forgot what she was supposed to write in the chart of the little baby squirming in the crib in front of her. After Loki's phone call the day before, she had tried to reach Fatih with no success and Loki was ignoring her messages.
She took a deep breath and decided to drop it for a minute, so she could get her concentration back. It sort of worked, and she finally left the clipboard back on its hanger by the crib, heading for the next baby.

The door creaked open then and for the first time in months, Val didn't feel that sudden rush of warmness that anticipated Fandral's arrival every morning. For the first time in months, she was actually waiting for someone else to come through that door. And at seeing who she was expecting to see, Val dropped the chart and nearly ran to the door.

"Faith!" She said, letting the other woman in. Faith's face was pale and her eyes were red, with dark shades of purple around them.

"Morning…" Faith said in a raspy voice, sitting by the desk. Val rounded the table and sat by Faith's side.

"First of all, you look awful, you should've stayed home. What happened?!" Val asked. Faith looked at her with a dry chuckle.

"I was working last night. I haven't been home." Faith rubbed her face and wiped her eyes. "It's over. We- we broke up… or whatever that was."

"I told you to talk to him." Val said softly. "And I tried to call you when he told me yesterday, but I couldn't reach you and-"

Faith took a deep breath, probably to keep herself from crying, even when the tears were coming out anyway. "He told you he found the pics, right?"

Val nodded. "Yes."

"It wasn't him." Faith said with a shake of her head, already biting her lip. Val looked at her confused. "He didn't find them. Sigyn did. In his apartment."

"Sigyn? What-" Val sighed. "Oh no. He's not, is he…?"

"I don't-" Faith stopped to sigh and wipe her face. "He told me Sigyn was there last night and that she- she found them on the couch…" She trailed off.

"That little-" Val muttered and growled, and the took a deep breath, rubbing Faith's back. "I'm really sorry this happened, I really am. He's obviously just as hurt as you are…"

Faith shook his head. "It doesn't matter anymore."

"You're wrong, Faith." Val stated, biting her lip and hugging her friend. "You still have to see each other everyday. It'll never stop being awkward, never stop being-" She sighed. "You're obviously in love with him. And he loves you."

"He doesn't love me, Val. What we had-" Faith stopped again to sigh. What was it what they had again?

"Oh, please!" Val said nearly exasperated. "I KNOW the way you feel about each other. It's not like-" Exasperated sigh. "He's pissed off because he's- he's heartbroken that you kept secrets from him! Both of you should stop being stupid and talk. Really talk. And I'm not going to stop saying it until you get it through your head!"

Faith wasn't in the mood to fight anymore, for anything really. She just sighed and dropped her head on the desk. She bit her lip hard, but that wouldn't stop the crying, so all Val could see for a moment was Faith's spastic back as she sobbed.

"I'm sorry Faith. It's just… I won't say anything else." It was heart-breaking to see Faith like this. Crying. Val once thought it was impossible for Faith to cry.

"It's okay, Val." Faith stood up the, reaching for the sink to get some tissues and cleaned her face. "This is- is all my fault."

"It's no one's fault that it happened." Val said as comfort, but Faith knew better. This was in fact her fault.

"Thanks." She muttered, calming herself a little. "I'll just go home now." She added, standing up and Val nodded.

"Good, take your mind off of everything. Try and get some sleep." She said giving her friend another comforting hug before watching her walk out.

.-

Faith wasted most of the morning trying not to cry and failing, until she finally fell asleep. By noon, the alarm woke her up.

She didn't really want to go to work, even if that afternoon she was working at the clinic and not in the OR, she definitely didn't wanna see Loki and she didn't want anyone asking anything. Faith dragged herself to the bathroom, to at least try and get a shower.

"For fuck's sake I look like crap." She muttered looking at the mirror.

No, she just couldn't go to work like this. Her eyes were swollen, borderline purple and bloodshot. Her head was throbbing and she felt nauseated.

"Clint?" She spoke softly on the phone, trying not to sound nasal, though it would help.

"Ash! Hey… You sound sick." Clint said with a small chuckle.

"I'm not feeling too well, so I'm gonna skip work this afternoon?"

"Huh… That's funny." Clint commented, rather amused.

"Why?" Faith croaked.

"Cause Loki is sick too." Now the amusement was evident in Clint's voice. Faith, on the other hand, felt like she wanted to puke.

"Is he?"

"Yeah, I'm kicking his ass home before he gets us all. You didn't know?"

"I was working yesterday, Clint. I haven't seen him."

"Well, call him then, you probably caught the same bug or something." Clint still thought everything was funny.

"Will do." Faith lied, the last thing she wanted was to talk to Loki. "Now, would you cover for me? I mean, if you're free."

"Yeah, sure." Clint said with a soft giggle.

"Take Parker with you, please."

"Got it. Just get better soon…"

"Tomorrow I'll be fine. Thanks, Clint."

Faith hung up and cuddled her pillow, tears welling up her eyes. Loki wasn't sick and she knew it. He was feeling like shit, same as her. It wasn't a nice thought and it didn't make her feel better. In fact it made everything worse.

.-

Loki had been awake more hours than he could count. Since he got home last night, the only thing he did was to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. If he fell asleep or not, he didn't know. He knew he had cried though, once or twice the ceiling had become blurry, but he couldn't muster enough energy to stop them, not even to wipe them off his face, no matter how much they tickled.

He had thought about not going to work, but decided against it at the last moment. Still, his swollen eyes and runny nose made Clint and Stark sent him home before his hours were over. Clint had even joked about catching the same bug as Faith, who had called in sick.

But she wasn't sick and he knew it.

Back home, Loki's brain felt like it had melted. He was used to overthink everything and now was no exception, but nevermind how many times he rolled the issue in his head, twisting and bending, trying to look for an explanation, he found none. He couldn't understand what made Faith hide the pregnancy from him, whatever she had said.

He wanted to hate her, to blame her for everything, but he couldn't. Somehow, everything came back to him: if he had been honest with her and told her how much he loved her maybe she wouldn't have felt the need to lie. Maybe it was his fault too that the pregnancy had failed, maybe it was his fault she had gotten pregnant in the first place. Maybe he pushed too much, or lost track of the days, or hell knows what else.

No, he couldn't blame her. If anything, this was his fault as much as it was hers.

Reaching that conclusion didn't make things better, though. He was still mad for being kept in the dark and that's what it hurt him the most. Loki still felt like he deserved at least an apology for her silence, but he also knew he wouldn't get any. It was a matter of pride, who would break first?

Loki rubbed his face on the pillow, normally at this hour he'd get lunch or something to eat, but his stomach felt like a knot, so he didn't even tried. Instead he rolled over on his bed, one fresh tear sliding down his nose as he sighed. His tired eyes closing on their own.

He finally fell asleep.