urghh...love you guys :)
Chapter 11: Dea-...
Blood ran through my fingers from digging my dull nails into my skin. Bright red liquid dripped from my restless hands. One squat, gruff-voiced male nurse and a tall, muscular woman nurse grasped tightly on to my arms, preventing me from running back into Matt's room. I remember them pulling me out, literally dragging me out of Matt's tiny room. I was screaming the whole time, trying to resist their grips. The deep, bellowing yells still staggered through the ICU, supplied by my desperate face. I was sobbing uncontrollably, spiraling out of existence. Doctors shuffled around Matt's tiny room, prodding him with more machines and shocking him with large paddles. After about 15 minutes of this repetitive sequence, Doctor Grace ran his frustrated hands through his hair, labeling Matt...dea-. The word wouldn't come to my mind. It was a nasty, ungrateful word that didn't care about anyone. It didn't care about what you had going, how amazing your life was, your best friends. It could care less. Dead. I hated the word, detested it. I banished it to the blackest parts of my mind, never to be thought about. Stowing it away under lock and key, I never wanted to hear it, see it, taste it, smell it or touch it, which is what I was doing all of at the moment. Broken, shattering tears shot down my face, lonely and reckless.
"I'm sorry, Mike. He's gone," Doctor Grace said tearfully. His face was emotionless, blank and straight. It was short and bitter, cringing on the words. He gritted his teeth, gave me a quick, meaningless hug, and walked away from me, leaving me crumpled on the ground. I dropped on my knees, sobbing in my hands. The slam made a few of the doctor's heads whip around and stare at me, the pitying glances burning into my face. The 2 nurses stood as they were, reluctantly letting me go. I peered over my hands, blinded by tears and blood, at my best friend, lying dead in front of me. No life remained in him. He was colorless and paralyzed, hideously shattered. The ICU was drained of hope, the ugliest place I had ever been. I approached the grotesque room, the nurses still trying to restrain me from moving. Smacking the nurse's hands away, I entered the room. The feeling of loss kicked me in the stomach, shoving all of my breath out of my windpipe. This body in front of me wasn't Matt anymore. It was a shell that looked like Matt, but void of color. I touched the body's hand, but immediately retreated it, frightened by the icy feel. This hand was frozen and unfamiliar, nothing I'd ever felt before. I sealed my eyes closed, fingertips driving into my palms, salty, weak tears spilling down my face.
"I am going to miss you, Matt," I choked out, barely loud enough for me to hear. The words dissolved in the heavy, moist air, never to be heard again. For a split second, I could swear I felt something touch my face, the familiar spark caressing my cheek. As quickly as it came, it went. Matt's soul, his fire, attempting to escape. I just knew it. My stomach twisted uncomfortably, making me feel like throwing up. The top of my throat ached as I fell to the ground once more. My sore knees protested, giving out under me. Weight shifting to my folded feet, I set my hands down on the frigid, dingy, white marble. Madylyn's warm hands wrapped around my arm, aiding me out of the ICU. Venomous tears of rage streamed down my face as I was led out of the hospital.
"Do you want me to drive you home?" Madylyn asked, her words broken up and weighed down. I nodded my head limply, heading out into the parking lot. My teeth were glued together, unable to speak. My face contorted painfully as I walked, sloshing through the melting snow. Madylyn treaded next to me, staring ahead at the sun, blazing icily, leaving a orange-yellow glimmer around us. We entered the car silently, other than the raw, muffled sounds of our weeping. As Madylyn drove, I leaned back in the seat, decoding what I felt inside. My heart felt incomplete, lost and confused. The outside of my body throbbed, missing a big, meaningful part of it. Heavy thoughts pressed against my skull, making my head pound. I didn't know what to feel. No emotions marked me. I just felt blank. I would go from crying out in anguish, to tiny, squeaking sobs. The tears never stopped burning my cheeks. The salty liquid absorbed into my dirty, grey shirt, leaving large, wet spots. I would occasionally whisper directions to my house, mingling with the two-ton air. Madylyn pulled up to my house wordlessly, giving me a quick, apologetic hug. She flipped her deep red hair out of the way and waved a wobbly hand to me. I stepped out of the car and she pulled away, leaving me alone again. My feet wouldn't move from the spot I stood, forcing me to sit down in the driveway. I sat with my knees pulled up to my face, bawling uncontrollably. The world seemed to encase me and wouldn't allow me to move. Memories stabbed me in the heart, stained with pain.
"Don't worry about me, dude. I'll be fine, just remember you mean a lot to me, man. I don't know if this heart attack turned me soft or something, but I do love you, just remember that," Matt's last words to me replayed in my head again, forcing fresh tears on to the rigid pavement. I bit hard on my lip, sending blood gushing through my teeth. Shivering against the unforgiving wind, I clutched harder on to my knees, as if I was holding myself together with my arms. A black hole was forming over my chest, sucking in everything I had going for me. My blubbering was interrupted by the crunching of gravel under heavy wheels. I buried my head further in my knees, hiding from the source. I was embarrassed of myself, crumbling to the ground. Rapid clicks ran toward me.
"Mike, what are you doing? Are you sick?" Rachel wrapped her arms around me, trying to pull me up. I stared up at her, my face puffy and deep pink. Rachel's eyes darted around my face, searching for clues. Her eyebrows drew together, her mouth slightly open. Her lips glistened, shining against the bright atmosphere, "What happened?" Standing up, I slammed into Rachel's arms a bit too forcefully, sending her staggering backward.
"H-He's dea-" I stammered through crashing waves of pain. My head was buried in her neck, hair sprawled against my face. Rachel froze, paralyzed in her stance. She started breathing hard, her heart pounding hard. I felt each beat against my chest, deep and panicked.
"No," Rachel whispered, "No! NO! NO!" Her whispers gradually louder than the previous one, until she was yelling at the sky. Her arms fell to her sides as she pulled away from me. Rachel's hands found her face as she began to weep, squeaky and hoarse. Arms back at her sides, Rachel balled up her hands into tight fists, screaming at the bitter, winter air. I walked up to her, unballing her fists. Through a thick sheet of tears, I showed Rachel my palms, tiny burgundy scabs forming that matched my fingernails. We grabbed on to each other again, shaking and crying.
"I know," I murmured, stroking Rachel's damp hair.
"I can't believe he's really...gone," Rachel whispered back, breaking on the last word, "It's NOT FAIR!" She raised her voice on the last words. I'd never seen Rachel be so indignant before. I tried to hum to her, but no noise would come out. Angry, desperate sobs escaped us both as we stood there on the pavement, feet glued to the ground. Rachel's teeth started to chatter, making her cry harder. I helped her inside, resuming the same position on the warm couch. We stayed like this for an hour or two, until the shaking sobs became quiet, staggering breaths. I leaned back on the couch, empty inside. I fell asleep in that position, Rachel leaning against my chest.
I didn't go to school for the next few days. Rachel went back a day ahead of me, the loss not as hard on her. She asked repeatedly if she should stay, but I convinced her that I'd be okay if she went back. I still spent the majority of the days crying, sitting alone. The day I finally came back, I was hugged more than I ever have been hugged in my entire life. I didn't get why everyone was pitying me. I was going to finish high school. I was going to get married, have kids, be a grandpa, maybe even a great grandpa. I was going to have a job and hopefully be successful. Matt would never have those things. Pictures of Matt dotted the walls, complete with glittery displays, fake flowers and tiny sport cutouts. They were sweet, but kind of made me angry. Mock care, that's what I thought it was. Sure, there were plenty of people who really did care, but most people could care less. I probably was just being bitter and self-centered.
"How're you doing?" Rachel asked me at my locker, grabbing on to my hand sincerely. I kissed her gently, the first real kiss I'd given her since we were out on the pavement.
"I'm okay, what about you?" I inquired, hanging on to Rachel's fingers. A twinge of pain nipped at the edges of my heart, knowing that I wasn't entirely telling the truth. I still felt empty, like half of me was drained. I was going through the day in a daze until glee club. Puck, looking pretty beat up, sat down next to me, running his tired hands through his mohawk. Artie rolled himself to the head of the room, worn out, but seemed strong.
"Some of us have a song for you, Mike. We all know how hard this has been on you," Artie said, calm and supportive. Everyone flocked to Artie, standing in a planned out formation. Artie rolled over to his bass, starting a slow bass line, Finn joining in on the drums. The music wrapped around me, deep and sweet.
If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
And the mountain should crumble to the sea
I won't cry, I won't cry
No I won't shed a tear
Just as long as you stand, stand by me
By the time the song was over, I was crying silently, bittersweet tears spilling down my face. Puck had a few steely tears flowing freely as well, trying to hide them behind his iron mask. Everyone's eyes were misted over, wiping them gingerly. Rachel hugged me longingly.
"Come to my house after?" She whispered in my ear, sealing it with a tiny kiss. I nodded as she pulled away, her embrace replaced by Tina's. We all hugged and cried, wrapping up glee club afterward. Grabbing onto my hand, Rachel and I walked out of the school, entering the familiar car I had come to love.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Rachel asked when we entered her room, sitting on her bed. She faced me, laying her delicate fingers in my rough, scabby palms. She traced each cut, carefully staying in the lines.
"I'll be okay. That's really sweet what you guys did in glee club," I told her, flopping back on to the pillow. Rachel mimicked my movement, laying next to me. She kissed me gently, lighting the room on fire.
"It's all going to be okay. I love you, don't worry," Rachel hushed, resting her head on my chest.
"I love you, too," I told her, the words truthful and easy. My stomach fluttered around the edges, a mixture of sadness and love. The recognizable feel of anguished tears fell down my face once again, wiped away by Rachel's red fingertips.
"We'll all float on okay," Rachel whispered as we lay there, gradually falling asleep again.
We'll all float on.
new chapter either tomorrow or tuesday... i'm not sure if how much homework i will have :O haha thanks :)