Revolt of the Archers Chapter 11: Irrelevant Intercepts I: Filler Chapter, a maple story fanfic

Chapter 10.5

Behind the Revolt: A Crazy Cutscene Chapter That Has Absolutely Nothing To Do With The Storyline But Should Be Read Anyway (BtR: ACCCTHANTDWTSBSBRA for short)

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Warning: This is not a real chapter of Revolt. This is merely a crack drabble written by the author in order for him to keep his sanity. If you're actually interested in the story, then this is not for you. For all others who want to waste their lives reading a rant from the hand of a neurotic author, then you've come to the right place. I understand that this isn't a real chapter per se, but please find it in your heart to not report this (unless it's so terrible you would be saving the universe by deleting it :P)

Behind the Revolt: A Crazy Cutscene Chapter That Has Absolutely Nothing To Do With The Storyline But Should Be Read Anyway is sponsored by Kal Ancalas Productions, makers of crack stories since 2005. We at Kal Ancalas Productions devote our full resources to attempting to make your life slightly happier. Although we usually fail miserably.

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If you've ever read my series of drabbles concerning MapleStory titled "Ranger's Treatise", then you pretty much know what this chapter is going to be like. It will be full of dry commentary and a horribly drab sense of humor. Enjoy.

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Ten chapters.

125,081 words. (So far.)

80 reviews.

2960 hits. I sense a low reviews-to-hits ratio here, people…(cough)

0 C2's. (Oh, rapturous joy.)

14 favs.

11 alerts.

That, my friends, is this story in a nutshell.

Yes, this is Revolt of the Archers. First published on December 14, 2006, and still going on to this very day. To date, it has been my most successful story, as you can see from the statistics cited above.

I think of this as the stereotypical "Author that wants to write the ground-breaking story of the century, but fails miserably" kind of tale. While this is disputably the most popular story in the small Maple Story fandom (and you're free to argue over this), personally, I really don't consider it to be an earth-shattering accomplishment.

I believe this story started out as a result of being burned out over Ranger's Treatise and lost nostalgia over my old Maple Story fanfic The Iliad of Bera (which failed quite miserably, if you were still back around when it was up.) Like most crazy authors, I took the world of Maple Story, put my own characters in it, and spun a huge, elaborate tale about some guy who saves the world from evil. How exciting, no?

Well, not really. For one thing, this story reeks of inconsistency (a couple of people have pointed this out, and I acknowledge that), it has a lot of overused cliches, such as the romantic dying scene and the friend turned against friend plot device (but what else was I supposed to do, write that they lived happily ever after? Geez…), it contains too many washed-up references to several things, most notably the Tales of…series. (It's not my fault I like Jade Curtiss, dammit, okay?)

But that aside, it still continues to stand, spurred forth only by the compliments of many reviewers and the plot devices that my overproductive, unrestrained mind spits out.

That is why, since I have a horrible case of writer's block for the next chapter, I am replacing Iggy's horribly traumatic past and Gault's assault (Hey, that rhymes!) with a bunch of drabbles, fresh from the mind.

Hope you enjoy.

Kal's Thoughts on Reviews (and the people that write them)

Recently, someone suggested that instead of spending weeks on writing long chapters, I cut down the chapter size and write shorter chapters, but update at a faster pace, one chapter per week.

It's not that I don't appreciate that person's suggestion, but if that person had been doing a little math, this story's been up from 12/14 to 2/15, which is two months. Two months is sixty days (okay, sixty-two). Divide that by the ten chapters, and you have, roughly, one chapter every six days, which is actually faster than what the reviewer in question suggested. Impatient readers are the proverbial thorn in every author's behind, and I can say that honestly from previous experience.

Besides, for all of you whose brains melted at the mere suggestion of math (Don't worry, I'm one of those people too. To hell with the Law of Cosines!) I prefer working at a slower pace. Writing a story is one of the few things in life you simply can't rush, no matter how much you want to. Like food poisoning. I apologize to all the other authors of the Maple fandom who are reading this, but I don't want to fall into the "write boring 1000-3000 word stub a week and pray for reviews" pattern. I do understand that you people have needs to tend to, but at the same time, I don't exactly have all that much free time on my hands. Don't believe me?

On a normal day, I wake up at six, brush my teeth, take a shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, etc. Then I waste eight and a half hours of my life at IHOAI: International House of Academic Inferiority. After which I return home to a comfortable shelter with a loving family…

"GO PRACTICE YOUR PIANO!! NOW!!!"

In case you haven't noticed by now, yes, I am Asian, and I reek of every single Asian stereotype that ever existed. In fact, I think my family probably invented a few of them. And don't laugh when I say that my mother is the Adolf Hitler of piano. I love and respect my parents very much, but when you have a maternal figure that screams her head off every time you get up from the piano to get a drink of water or go to the bathroom, that's crossing the line. And like many high-school students, my parents have been reading me the "If you don't play piano/other retarded extracurricular activities, you won't get into a good school, blah blah blah" riot act every day. I understand all of that, but it's still a royal pain in the ass.

Personally, I can just picture my admission interview playing on in my head. The way my parents have been going on about it, you'd think it would go something like this:

"Okay, Mr. Kal Ancalas, we've looked over your records. Apparently, you have a perfect A+ on all of your AP courses, and you obtained a perfect score on your SAT's, a feat only achieved by one student out of ten thousand. In addition, you are the captain of your school's tennis team and chess club, and you have performed various acts of community service and have been an upstanding member of your community. However, there is one slight problem."

"Yes?"

"We have scoured and cross-checked all your records, and we have unfortunately been able to find no record of you ever having played the piano. We are sorry, but we at Stereotypical-Ivy-League-Big-Name University cannot accept students with such an unfound knowledge of musical study. As a result, your position has been forfeited to a Russian exchange student who has a F average and a 400 on the SAT, but has been able to play the piano."

"B-but I can play the opening theme to Bleach!"

"We don't care about contemporary Japanese pop music. We only care about classical pieces by a bunch of old, dead, white European guys that have a lot of notes and require the use of the damper pedal. Thank you for applying and have a nice day."

…Yep. I explained all of this theoretical conversation to my parents. They were less than amused and rewarded my well thought-out argument with an extra hour of practice.

Now that I've wasted your time by dedicating a page to piano, I also must devote an hour each every day to learning Chinese. Trust me, it's not as glamorous as it sounds when your mother bitch-slaps you for every word you don't know. And when your father is a Ph.D with a degree in mathematics, it stands that you must spend time learning B.S like trig, geometry, and discrete math, so that's what I do. And then there's the exercise. When your exercise consists of running up and down a flight of stairs 100 times, there are those times when you just really want to go to hell. (If you think that's easy, try it for yourself.) Not to mention that all this doesn't include my usual super-sized order of homework from IHOAI every day, which usually results in me getting virtually no sleep.

So, returning to the original point before I ended up going on this huge-ass tangent, I obviously don't have a lot of time to write. Although I don't want to sound like a jerk (too late), it is slightly disheartening to realize that you still have rabid people out there who want to read the next installment of your story, so you better fire up the computer and start writing. Folks, writing fanfiction should be a joy and pleasure. It shouldn't be a two-ton ball and chain around your neck.

It is rather nice, though, to come home from a grueling bout with high school and read reviews along the lines of:

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"GG another chapter :D
very nice job on this one
now go write more chapters lamo"

I think you meant 'lmao', not 'lamo'…

Although I know this is a compliment, I can't help screaming "WRITE YOUR OWN CHAPTERS, YOU FREELOADER!" in my mind. -Kal

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"very very nice i want anothjer chapter. very nice story. u got me to read all chapters in 4 hours and now i want more :P"

Thanks. It's nice to know I wasted four hours of your life and made you enjoy it. -Kal

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"I loved this chapter! I actually took an hour to finish it (slow reader)

Loved the details! I really want to know what's going to happen with Gault soon xD"

He checks into a mental ward, eventually becomes sane again, gets married, settles down, and has a nice, quiet life.

Just kidding. Although it would be a lot nicer for everyone if that actually did happen. -Kal

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"im not even a member of fanfiction, it was reccomended to me by a friend. One day i stumbled across this fic... It is to be quite honest..awesome, i mean, i sat and read every chapter through all in one go (i was here some hours). Very addictive story with a good plot, "me likes very muchly" XD. Anyway, i look forward to new chapters, keep the good work coming "

Wow. That's truly touching for any author, least of all me, to read. Thanks. -Kal

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While it saddens me slightly that some of the comments I get are written by people that have a grasp of basic spelling/grammar that a brain-dead chimp would envy, it is still an extremely satisfying feeling for any author to know that I wasted a few precious hours of people's lives and actually made them enjoy it. People, those are the kind of things I (and most other authors in the world, for that matter) write for; to entertain the masses.

Then, of course, there are the comments that go something like this:

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"u no...

This story isn't as good as I thought it would be when I first read the chap 1 reviews.

I don't know why though xD

Did I tell u that ur plot flows inconsistently? O

For eg.

Ur sorta running of track from the real story and plot and not sticking to it u no?

Hope u improve on that.

Signing out"

What the bloody stool sample does 'for eg' mean? Is that part of a secret code, or is that short for something?

And I'll improve my inconsistency when you grow up and lose the chatspeak. You're on a freaking fiction site, not dodging bullets in the middle of a MMORPG. -Kal

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"Quick question, aren't you afraid of your audience losing interest by the way you will jump from one group of characters to the next? To be honest, I was slightly annoyed when you jumped to Phoenix right before you were about to explain Marron's use of skills, and by the time you got back to it, I found that I didn't care to hear your explaination about Marron's use of skills.

And not to seem any more rude than I already do, do your male characters have any other overriding character trait other than bored? I've lost count of the number of times someone has replied dryly or some variation of that to something.

Please try not to go into a downward spiral."

You might not know it, but when I "jump from one group of characters to the next," I'm using a well-known literary device. It's called suspense. Ever heard of it?

I'm not blaming you- perhaps that's just the way you read, and you have a short attention span, like I do. As I explained previously in a PM, I'm not the kind of person with the ability to write consistently about one subject without rambling off in a totally irrelevant direction. Therefore, I write in sections so as to keep the reader interested instead of nodding off in the middle of some long, boring explanation- I guess that had the opposite effect on you, but whatever.

By the way, the explanation for the repetitive dryness of my characters is because when I write, my characters tend to reflect whatever emotion I'm feeling at the time. Hence the overall sense of boredom.

Don't get me wrong; I appreciated your concrit, but it's just part of my nature to reply to every negative comment I receive, to cool off the ticking in my brain. -Kal

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"OK.

'"Hey, Zer!" Joe lunged at me, wrapping me in a bear hug.'

That gives the impression that they're...er...gay. Yes, I know it's just one little expression of companionship, but...can't you make it so that Joe claps him on the back, or a HALF hug...

And another thing. It's either you're ignoring my reviews or you don't take my opinions into account. Athena is a FEMALE. So she should be addressed as "Mistress" instead of "Master".
If you don't change it...I shall sue. I'm sorry, but I really will. I CANNOT cope with these types of errors. Not so simple ones. So do me and everyone else a favour and change it, OK? Thanks. The rest is good."

Everyone else? As far as I can tell, I don't see anyone else complaining about that little error…

This is one of the all-time favorite comments that I ever received. I wrote a rather nice reply to it at the beginning of Chapter 9 and I don't feel like copy-pasting it, so you can look back at it if you want. While I don't think the reply seemed to appease the reviewer (she stopped reviewing after that), it gave me a chuckle and let the steam out of my system. Bad Joe! You don't go around hugging people of the same gender these days…

I can understand her chagrin at my using terms incorrectly, but it's not like that's an earth-shattering error that would ruin the whole plot of the story. Maybe I should change that to "Holy Grand Exalted Bowmistress" for accuracy…

Nah. -Kal

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Needless to say, I was less than thrilled to read these comments, but I acknowledge the fact that these people are entitled to their opinions and that they are only speaking their minds. That's fine; I mean, I don't expect this story to be an instant masterpiece from the get-go. I appreciate the fact that these people care enough to point out my writing faults and help to better my abilities as an author.

Despite their good intentions, though, I still get that hot-in-the-head feeling that all authors get when they receive criticism, so I write sarcastic replies like these to help me let off a little steam so I can keep writing.

By the way, in case you haven't noticed, one of my greatest pet peeves is when people use chatspeak; i.e. abbreviated language, such as replacing "Wow, that story was really great! You're a really good author!" with "omg taht stry wuz teh sh!t ur a rly kewl auhtor!!!111". I understand that chatspeak evolved out of the need to type quickly in the midst of action, like when you're in the middle of playing a MMORPG or when you're talking with a chatty friend, but seriously. This is only FF; let's keep some dignity here, people.

And then there are the Master and Chief and Arbiter reviews, which deserve a category of their own.

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Whoa... Dragon Trigger kicked major ass! I loved that portrayal of yours! Well with the way you typed it there are going to be a few distinct differences between Revolt and Lone Crusader, but I don't mind those. It's your story, you type it the way you want to.

Well all of the chapter was good, but the parts I want to comment on were the ones where you introduced Dragon Trigger and Devil Trigger. Those rocked! I couldn't stop grinning! I promise I'll make Zeraion's role in Lone Crusader as great as Ryden's role in Revolt, keep up the good work! Wishing you good luck on your review count and a Happy Chinese New Year! (I'm a chinese Singaporean, don't be surprised.)

Thanks. I'll be on the lookout for your next chapter as well. Happy late Chinese New Year to you too. -Kal

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And then we have my personal favorite: The King of Bitches. If you thought the one about Joe being gay and Athena being a bondage mistress was good, wait until you read this.

"Ok...let's see, let's see, lets see...Honestly, there much to much wrong with this first chapter to say it all in one go, but I'll try my best.

To start off with, there's a Truckload of Grammatical errors; again, to much to list completely but I'm sure If you reviewed your writing with a spell check or Grammar check tool you'll see our mistakes.

Another thing. Where's the description?

I Quote: I immediately ran off to the Henesys weapon and armor store, and using some of the money Ark gave me, bought a War Bow, some green archer clothes, and a quiver full of arrows. I put it on and stared at myself in the mirror for a bit, and I had to admit, I definitely seemed a lot more dashing than I did a long time ago. End Quote.

Some green archer clothes? Pitiful. Truly Pitiful. Um, what does a war bow look like? Oh yeah. That's right. You never said so. What mirror where you talking about? Was it in the shop? On the ground outside? You seemed more "Dashing"? Rofl.

Another thing.

"One year later"

Do you have ANY idea how annoying that is? One full year has passed and you haven't displayed even the slightest bit of adventure, action or any character or atmospheric description or development?

"The arrows struck the ribbon pig between the eyes as it charged at me. It let out a squeal as it slumped to the ground. Smiling, I untied the ribbon from around its neck and slipped it into the pack on my back. Those ribbons were prized by the women of Henesys and could sell for a decent price"

What did the pigs look like? What color was the ribbon? Where the hell are you in the first place?

"Blue-white bolts of lightning shot from the sky and struck down the pigs faster than I could draw an arrow. Furiously, I spun around to see a wizard, smirking at me."

Blue? White? Overly used words, like run or throw. Try bright, sparkling Sapphire, or Glowing, radiant ivory. Yeah, a bit trivial, but you constantly chose to leave out words and description that are necessary in painting the wondrous picture that IS your story.

Another thing. There's a constant shift in your point of views; its confusing and ultimately, annoying. Learn from your mistakes and make the appropriate changes. Learn it. Live it.
Write it.
Or your will sorely suffer. Yeah, harsh, flame-ish but its true. Personally I see no potential in your story. But I see lots of potential in you. So don't take this as Flames. Take it as constructive criticism."

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Of all the stories in the Maple Story section that this jackass had to critique, he chose this one...

Apparently, a lot jumps to mind when one reads this self-branded "constructive criticism". For one thing, given that he (or she, I don't know and I don't care) is complaining about an apparent lack of description, I can only assume that this person has never played Maple Story in their life, or otherwise is a huge asswipe who wants to stir up a fuss about something minimal. Hello? When you read a fanfic, the author assumes that you at least have some basic knowledge of what exactly the fanfic is based upon. Would you rather read through pages and pages of useless, flowery descriptions before you get to one interesting plot-related sentence? I can see where your need for description stems from, but keep in mind that I'm not a bestseller author and you shouldn't expect my first chapter to be perfect. This was written two months ago. Also, in case you haven't noticed, this is written from the point of view of an eleven year old, so I wanted to make it sound juvenile. That's the whole point. Perhaps you missed it in your flamboyant need to ridicule me.

"Another thing. Where's the description?

Haha. I think my description ran off with your tact. Would "blowsy, emerald-colored, tunic made of specially woven cloth in the fields of Henesys" have suited better? Or "gently sloped and carved bow, delicately hand-painted with touches of sapphire"? And I assume you know what "dashing" means, and I used it in perfect context, so what exactly is your point?

Wow, what kind of smart person puts a mirror on the ground? Yes, it was in the shop, you genius. As an author, I'm assuming you're intelligent enough to fill in all the itsy-bitsy details like those above instead of me spoon-feeding them to you. I don't have the time, patience, or skill to crank out pages of that bullshit, and I keep my paragraphs short, concise, and to the point. Maybe that's not what you like, but then again, I'm not obligating you to read this.

Grammatical errors? You could have at least given a couple of examples of before you started shooting your mouth off needlessly. I don't doubt that I have them (since I don't have Word and thus no spell/grammar checker), but I would have liked to see you cite an instance or two. Let's work on that in the future, eh?

Another thing.

"One year later"

Do you have ANY idea how annoying that is? One full year has passed and you haven't displayed even the slightest bit of adventure, action or any character or atmospheric description or development?

A little, but it's not nearly as annoying as sticking in real time and reading an entire chapter to how he killed lots and lots of snails in order to level up- with his delicately turquoise-painted bow and his specially woven tunic on, no less! There is a fine line between vivid description and utter boredom, and I don't feel like crossing it. Yes, I could have told you about what happened in those twelve months: He went outside, killed snails, went home, ate dinner, took a crap, had a shower, went to bed. Rinse, lather, and repeat. Nothing interesting in his life happens until that point in time, which is precisely why I skipped to that point to save you the trouble. It may be annoying to you, but I consider it the best I can do, given that I am trying to tell a story through the point of view of a kid.

What did the pigs look like? What color was the ribbon? Where the hell are you in the first place?

"Blue-white bolts of lightning shot from the sky and struck down the pigs faster than I could draw an arrow. Furiously, I spun around to see a wizard, smirking at me."

What did the pigs look like? Wow, I guess they looked like...bog-standard pigs. What other kind are there? Were you expecting were-pigs? Or dragon pigs? And the ribbon was a shimmering shade of blood-red crimson- or red, in layman's terms. Can't get much more descriptive than that, can you? By the way, "sapphire" and "ivory" aren't terms I would use to describe a bolt of lightning- I would rather delegate the use of those adjectives to material items. By the way, if you had played Maple Story, you would know that I am talking about Pig Beach. Again, I stress- this is an ELEVEN YEAR OLD we're talking about here, and I am not going to stick fancy words in his mouth just to paint the proverbial "picture" for you. That's your job, you freeloader.

"Another thing. There's a constant shift in your point of views; its confusing and ultimately, annoying. Learn from your mistakes and make the appropriate changes. Learn it. Live it.
Write it.
Or your will sorely suffer. Yeah, harsh, flame-ish but its true. Personally I see no potential in your story. But I see lots of potential in you. So don't take this as Flames. Take it as constructive criticism."

I think you mean, "Or you will sorely suffer." Actually, you shouldn't be saying that at all- you can't begin a sentence with a conjunction. Et tu, "truckload of grammar errors"? I've already expressed my opinion about the constant shifts in the point of views above; once more, we have another stubborn blockhead who simply can't deviate from anything other than a linear story. If I were to write something like that, I would ramble pointlessly on and on, and end up with a ten-page long tangent that has absolutely no relevance to my original point. Writing in small sections is the only way I can keep my own interest, and subsequently, my readers'.

"Constructive criticism"? My ass. When you write constructive criticism, you're supposed to inspire the author to do better, not make him/her feel like a piece of shit.

"Or your will sorely suffer"? Yes, I probably would feel some pain, but only from laughing at your comments so hard.

Basically, here, we have a bourgeois citizen with a stick up his/her ass who just refuses to be satisfied with the time and effort that authors spend on their stories. I can only guess just how much of FF's bandwidth this guy ran up endlessly blabbing about how I need to add more superficial adjectives, when a simple "Be more descriptive" would have sufficed. Rest assured that I will take your review into account, but only as a historical footnote in the synopsis of this cut-chapter.

Nevertheless, I must give the idiot here in question some props for actually using proper grammar (except for one usage of the expression ROFL.) Isn't it ironic how all the good comments are written sloppishly and all the bad comments are piercingly grammar-correct?

One last note: Writing this comeback really felt good. -Kal

Disclaimer: After exchanging a bit of correspondence with this person, I realized that I don't viciously hate the person who wrote this comment, even though it sounds like I do. In reality, I just wanted to write a sarcastic reply to the so-called concrit of this person to entertain the masses (and relieve a little stress). Truthfully, I can see that this commenter actually cares about my writing skills and I respect him for that.

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And there you have it- my take on the reviews that I receive. Whether you were offended by these or got a good chuckle out of them, I've done my job in either case. Hope to see another inconsistent, devoid-of-detail chapter some time later.

I also drew a supplemental comic based on this experience. It's short and very badly done (I only had an hour to do it) but I still think it should help give you an idea of what kind of life I lead. Copy and paste the following link (without spaces) and enjoy.

w w w . i 1 2 1 . p h o t o b u c k e t . c o m / a l b u m s / o 2 4 0 / I D o o d l e O n N a p k i n s / C o m i c . j p g

-Kal Ancalas