AN: I'm healing fine, thanks a lot you guys.
I would like to apologise for the lack of clarity in the other chapter. When I wrote about Maura fighting for the twins, I didn't mean fighting for custody or anything like that. I meant fighting to be in their lives, as in, making an effort to befriend Jane and seeing the girls more often, as opposed to going back to how things were before. And not in a creepy way like Maura's gone 'cray cray' and delusional and is thinking these are now her kids or that she could replace Jane or anything. Just a relationship like one would probably have with their friends children or with their nieces or something. Am I making sense or should I just go back to the hospital for a bit longer?
Jane woke up around the time she would normally be distantly alert. She wasn't as happy and tranquil as she ordinarily would be. That perfect voice she had grown accustomed to hearing wasn't there anymore. It was ever so quiet, with only the sound of beeps being heard, or far-away footsteps and chatter.
She decided instantly that she hated that day. After learning yesterday about what had happened to her, the detective was counting on that voice for comfort and maybe a little boost in order to be able to start processing everything. In the early hours of the morning her mother had left with her daughters and were due to be back later that morning. She had more tests scheduled for the day and was really hoping to be filled in on more about the particulars of her recent and sudden 'time out'. All of that was waiting to be done today, but all she really needed was that soothing and calming voice whose owner she didn't even know. Perhaps one of the nurses, she surmised.
...
Angela and the twins arrived just after the doctors had been. They had removed Jane's bandage as the small wound had healed, though it left a round bold spot. It didn't matter anyway, Jane had enough hair to cover it up completely.
To Jane's utter surprise, the girls sang the same song as the day before – Maura this, Maura that. They had the decency to spare Jane a few minutes of unadulterated motherly love before launching into Maura-talk though. When Frankie and Tommy came by a little later on, they took the girls down to the café for brunch finally leaving Jane and Angela alone.
''You are going to explain to me what all this is about right?'' Jane jumped in immediately. Alone-time was rare and they needed to talk fast.
''I don't know where to begin Jane. What do you want to know exactly?''
''First of all,'' she raised her forefinger, ''when did Doctor Isles become a part of our lives?''
''She was always a friend to me Jane''
''Exactly! To you. Now my kids have moved in with her''
''They've hardly moved in Jane''
''Well it seems like it to me Ma. Why were they spending so much time together?'' Jane didn't sound upset per se, just really baffled. Her and Doctor Isles were nothing but colleagues. Why would the woman go through so much trouble for her, and her children?
''Jane…'' Angela began slowly, hoping her daughter wouldn't lash out. Jane was funny like that. It was almost impossible to decipher her reactions sometimes. It could range from one side of the spectrum of the other, or anything in between. ''I spent most of my time here. I was terrified. When they mentioned an operation to…drain the blood all I could think about was them cutting your head open. I couldn't leave you Jane. Going home at night everyday was like…holding my breath under water for a long time. It was a really hard time. And Maura – bless her. I would have lost my mind without her. She took care of the girls Jane''
''Why couldn't Frankie or Tommy help? Hell, even Korsak and Frost''
''It's not the same Jane. Kie and Eva, they were worried and scared. And remember you said you didn't want them here if anything like this happened''
''I know''
''And I wanted to be here all the time. I didn't want you waking up alone''
''Thanks Ma. But you know I'm not a child right? It's not like I was going to breakdown or throw a tantrum if I was alone for half an hour before you got here''
''Well that's the thing. It was mainly about me,'' Angela moved to sit on the bed beside her daughter. ''I couldn't stand to leave you. I was more at rest here, where I could make sure you were still breathing and all was well. Maura kept them many nights. And I'd come to sleep here. Those where the nights I actually got decent sleep''
''Maaaa'' Jane said, feeling guilty for the trouble and worry she had caused but trying to play it off as nothing of real concern.
''Yes Jane. I was worried sick. And Kie and Eva would ask about you all the time. And cry and beg to see you. The only person that could distract them was Maura. And they somehow grew close I guess. The girls absolutely adore her''
''And Doctor Isles?'' Jane asked wearily, referring to Maura's own feelings towards her daughters.
''She gave up a lot to watch them. She missed work several days, completely stopped over the weekends. She made them so comfortable and welcome in her home. Helped with their homework….and everything Jane. Just like you do'' she smiled at Jane's uneasy expression. ''Every morning she would come here to see you Jane'' Angela looked absently at the significantly fewer monitors around Jane. ''She said she didn't want to get in our way'' the elder woman chuckled. ''so she made a habit of coming early in the morning when no one else was around''
Jane's mouth hung open for the longest time. That voice, that had been Doctor Isles all along. She never would have imagined it. Why would the medical examiner do that for her, she wondered.
''She's very kind Jane. And so wonderful with the girls. You better thank her profusely for her help'' Angela looked at her pointedly.
''Really Ma! What's that look?''
''What look?'' Angela asked a little too innocently. Her daughter wasn't fooled.
''My God Ma. I'm lying in a freaking hospital bed''
''I know Jane''
''I can see you trying to play cupid and what not. Stop okay. What's wrong with you and this constant need to want to hook me up with everyone?''
''I was doing no such thing'' the elder woman grinned. ''And anyway don't tell me you haven't 'thought' that'' she made a face that Jane supposed should symbolise thinking of someone in an intimate way but just came out as pervy to Jane.
''No I have not thought that,'' Jane shrieked. ''We work together – one. And we really have nothing in common. Besides, she's waaaaay out of my league. And doesn't even talk to me by the way'' and then as an afterthought, ''before we even consider all these other factors, she's obviously not into women''
''She's also married'' Angela said as if speaking to herself. She sounded disappointed. ''To a woman''
If Jane was drinking something it would have been like one of those movie scenes when the liquid rushes out of your mouth and onto everything in the vicinity. ''Oh'' she managed.
Angela was a very involved and attentive mother. Not so endearing when your oldest child is thirty-six and your youngest thirty, but it's one of those things that are traits and not habits. You can't grow out of them. She noticed how Jane needed a partner, so much so now. There had been Gina. That seemed pretty serious but ended in shambles. Jane loved hard and completely, and Gina wasn't the sort of woman who wanted, or needed that kind of love. She was lovely in every other way, but just not the right match for her daughter. Other than Gina, there had been no one else serious in Jane's life. Angela knew her daughter would never admit it, but she longed for someone to love. For a partner who would accept her and her children.
When Angela watched Maura and the twins over the weeks, she knew without a doubt that the blonde was the kind of partner her Janie needed. And it wasn't only that the medical examiner was a star with the girls, she was also the kind of person that needed to be loved hard. In her eyes, Angela could see the sadness and loneliness. The desperation and yearning for something that was just out of reach. The matriarch knew that Jane and Maura would be a couple made in heaven.
But Maura was married.
Which was a shame, because Angela could see the hopelessness of that marriage. It was almost like Gina and Jane. Both lovely people, very convenient, but not so compatible. Not for lack of trying, it just wasn't there. If you left your phone in the car, you could search tirelessly for it in the house. You could look everywhere, leave no stone unturned. But you would never find it, because it's not in the damn house at all. That was Maura and Sharon, and Gina and Jane.
But Angela wouldn't meddle. She wouldn't be the reason for someones failed marriage. But that didn't mean she would not think it, and not wish that Jane and Maura could sit and talk and discover what she had.
It would definitely take a miracle.
She looked at her daughter, eyes closed pretending to be resting. Jane might not know that she and Maura are a perfect match, but she does like Maura. Sometimes people think we see things in the way someone does or says something. But the contrary is also true. Sometimes the most important things are seen in the way someone doesn't do or say anything.
At the precinct, everyone talked about Maura. Good things, bad things, indifferent things. But still, people said things. They commented on astute work, her elegant wardrobe and fabulous hair. They drooled over her and passed endless remarks about her beauty and also about her antisocial ways.
But Jane? She never said a damn thing. If anyone talked about Maura she just shrugged and went on about her business. And that's how Angela had caught it. That's how she knew Jane was fond of the good doctor. Not just fond like she wants to be friends – no. Fond like she wants to be the one to put a smile on her face first thing in the morning and last thing at night – everyday for the rest of her life.
And so while it would have been in character for her to push Jane to be friends with another female such as Maura, Angela had let it go. It would have been too painful for Jane. And she was right. Because looking down at Jane now, she could see the pain behind those closed eyes. And it wasn't of the physical kind.
They hadn't talked the previous night when they both got home. Maura quietly used the guest bedroom in Sharon's rented apartment and fell asleep almost immediately.
But as the bright hot sun in Arizona made an appearance that morning, both women knew a serious talk was due. Before packing her belongings, Maura asked Sharon to join her in the living room. They sat on different sofa's, as if they were strangers and struggling to make conversation.
''We are in different places now, it seems,'' Maura began. Her voice was steady and resolute, but she was shaking slightly. ''When we got married, I had this clear vision of who we were and where we were going. But now, it's as if you're heading north and I'm heading south. When did that happen to us Sharon?''
''About four weeks ago if you ask me,'' Sharon replied her sarcastically, then thought better of it when she saw the hurt look on her wife's face. ''Sorry. I think…I think that happened somewhere in the months between our departure from California and our arrival in Boston''
The atmosphere was sombre and serious now.
''I don't have to tell you that I love you, do I? Please tell me you know that Sharon''
''I do. And I love you too. But right now it seems like I'm an inconvenience to you. And its as if I'm not…enough.'' When Maura was about to interject Sharon quickly went on. ''I felt that way even before Eva and Keira came into the picture. I may appear blind or naïve to you, but I'm not honey. I could feel how unhappy you were. But I never brought it up because there wasn't anything I could do. I am unable to help you Maura. There isn't anything that I can do to make you happy. But I try don't I?
''You do Sharon. And I'm so sorry''
''I'm not looking for an apology honey. I'd much rather prefer discussing how we can go forward from here. What do you want Maura?''
A lot. She wanted a lot of things. But just this minute, she wanted to be in Boston.
''I am going back to Boston in a few hours''
''Okay…'' Sharon said it more like a prompt.
And then there was silence. Neither knew how to go forward with the truth at this point.
''We have always been blunt and truthful with each other Maura. And I don't wish for this circumstance to be any different. So I will ask you, what are your intentions with those girls exactly?''
''I want them in my life.'' Maura responded immediately. And when Sharon looked at her in a funny way, she hastened to add, ''am I crazy? Does this make me a sick person?''
''No''
''I feel a bit crazy. This sudden love I have for them. And this need to be with them,'' she laughed at herself mirthlessly. ''I'm mad''
''No honey, I don't think that you are. But I think that you need to have an open mind and be prepared for anything. The twins, they love you. And would happily spend everyday with you. But they have their mother. And a whole life that you aren't part of. There is a very big chance that there won't be a repeat of what you guys had these past weeks. Promise me you won't expect much''
''I won't. And I'm prepared. I've thought it through. But it won't stop me from trying.''
''Okay'' Sharon let that digest then went on. ''So…if these kids are out of your life, what is your plan then? Will you fly back here immediately?'' It suddenly sounded a little too direct for both of them, and appeared to be leading to an argument so Sharon immediately amended, ''What I mean is, what other plans do you have in place for the future – in general?''
''I realized that we never quite talked about this in depth – the issue about children. You had your hysterectomy and I was battling all these fertility issues and you didn't much care for children….we may have just skimmed over a few things.''
''Such as?''
''Why I wouldn't adopt of use a surrogate''
''Oh!'' Sharon had thought about it. But instead of asking she'd been just pleased that those options were off the table hence decreasing the chance of actually having kids.
''Being adopted made me not want that for another kid. I had so many questions and doubts growing up. And even though I loved my parents, it wasn't unconditional love. I held back a little. Maybe it's because they naturally weren't too warm, but nevertheless, the love was limited. I just couldn't bring myself to adopt a child. I wanted my own child. One that wouldn't question anything. One that wouldn't leave me one day or be taken away from me. And surrogacy…. I don't know. It felt…'' Maura folded her feet under her thighs on the sofa holding onto the cushion in her hands. ''Surrogacy made me feel like I was taking someone's child somehow.''
''The bottom line is that you just wanted to be pregnant with your own child,'' Sharon helped her. ''But now…''
''I feel like I was wrong. If I had a child, however I had him, I would love him and make sure there was no doubt in his mind that he belonged to me. And if I provided for him enough, and loved and cared for him enough, he wouldn't need to look elsewhere. And no one would take him away from me''
''Him?'' Sharon smiled a little sadly at her wife.
''Yes. I would really love a son.'' She beamed. ''But in my case, I guess I can't really afford choosing''
''You can Maura. You deserve to have whatever you want. And I'm sorry that I hindered you from that honey. I'm so sorry.''
They had reached an impasse, the elephant in the room no longer being able to be ignored.
''I don't want any kids Maura''
''I know''
''So where does that leave us? Because you now clearly have a vision of adopting right?'' Maura nodded. After a few seconds, Sharon asked again. ''So?''
''This is probably as best as a mutual separation goes'' Maura didn't dare look at Sharon in the eye, afraid of what she would see. But when Sharon spoke, her voice held the same understand and a bit of regret.
''I wish we wanted the same things in life. It would make everything that much easier. But I guess life isn't easy…or fair.''
''No its not'' Maura looked to her wife, who had her elbows on her knees and face in her hands. ''I'm sorry''
''Don't apologize for wanting what you want. And for being truthful with me. It hurt, this past year and some, knowing you were unhappy and not being able to do anything about it. As your wife, it was my responsibility, and I failed you. So if letting you go is what it will take to finally bring some joy into your life, then I'll do it. I won't like it, but I'll do it.''
''That's all I ask''
"Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny."
― Steve Maraboli