"Crowned Kings and Dysfunctional Peers"

4:22 pm

'Remind me why I'm here again?'

'Quiet, fool. This may be our only chance to get laid.'

'Our?'

'I thought I told you to be quiet.'

4:24 pm

'Seriously, what do you mean by 'our'?'

So confused here…

4:27 pm

So here I was, sitting in the mid row section of the relatively empty auditorium, amongst several other people scattered around, watching the cast up near the stage rehearse their play.

Aerith was looking over a script along with a fat dude in a Hawaiian shirt named Don Corneo or something. I can't really remember. All I know is that he's an assistant stage manager and rumor has it that his first name, Don, was given to him because the fat bastard likes to score with young college chicks.

How a fatass like that gets the attention of hot 20-something females is beyond me.

'Maybe his is bigger than yours. You do know that that's what counts for chicks, right?'

'You shut your mouth!'

'Tsk, tsk. So defensive all of a sudden. Could there be a reason why?'

Stupid smartass prick. Or I should say: prickless.

'Prickless isn't even a word, you small dicked retard.'

4:29 pm

Corneo went over some final things before ushering Aerith up to the stage... with a push to her behind. Sonnuva...

That. Goddamn. Perv! And he pretty much mentally undressed her as she made her way up!

'Why the hell do you care? You're not dating this girl. Besides... you'd do the same thing.'

He was right. Why did I care? I didn't even really know this girl and all of a sudden I was-

'Jealous.'

I frowned. 'I'm not jealous.'

'Keep telling yourself that. Anyways, I got a plan to take this fat fuck out if you're interested.'

This couldn't be good...

'We go outside and get a few small rocks to throw at him. Then we just keep throwing the rocks periodically until he finally gets up and chases after us.'

'How the hell does that help us in any possible way?' How do I come up with this shit sometimes? Seriously?

'It doesn't. But it does give us a chance to see his ridiculously large fat ass run which, you gotta admit, has its merits. What do you say? Rock time?'

As appealing as the idea sounded, I brushed it off and looked up ahead.

Aeris was wearing this ridiculous looking pink dress and her hair was braided in a long pony tail, with two bangs sticking up and out at the front. She looked like a character out of a cartoon or video game. She looked away from the director for a moment, her eyes meeting mine, and smiled before someone else came on stage.

Kadaj. I'd seen pictures of him around campus whenever the theater department advertised their plays. As the leading male actor in most of them, he was instantly recognizable, especially with his annoying, girlish pretty boy looks that many females on campus seemed to swoon over. Personally, I didn't really see the big deal. He just looked like a younger and more feminine version of Sephiroth.

If Aerith's costume looked bad, words couldn't even begin to describe Kadaj's. He was wearing some disturbingly tight leather outfit that resembled some dominatrix suit and had a matching leather trench coat over top. Even worse, he brandished some absurdly long katana that was longer than he was! How the hell could anyone wield something like that? And what kind of strange play was this, Final Fantasy: True Domination? Bet that'd sell like hotcakes. Especially to young and horny sex-deprived teenagers.

'Kinda like you, except for the teenager part. You're older and still just as pathetic.'

"All right, everyone, positions! Remember what we rehearsed, people!" A 30 something year old looking guy shouted from one of the front row seats. He had a fairly hipsterish look to him, with a goatee, thick framed glasses, and a checkered blue button shirt. Topping it all off was this giant megaphone he held in his hand.

I squinted to get a better look at him and, upon further inspection, recognized him from some of the posters as well. His name was Reeve Tuesti and he was one of the drama professors on campus. Rumor had it that he had a serious cat fetish going on (don't ask) and this was made evident by the fact that he was stroking one resting on his lap.

Jesus Christ, you've gotta be kidding me... On top of the cat's head was a miniature golden crown! What the hell was going on here? Was this real life?

I seriously contemplated just getting up and leaving before the stage lights suddenly dimmed and the auditorium went quiet, signaling the start of the rehearsal.

"All right, you're on, folks!" Reeve shouted through the megaphone. Maniac. As if they couldn't hear him already with him being so close to the goddamn stage itself.

Kadaj nodded and proceeded ahead, dragging the obscenely large sword along before stopping in front of Aerith. "Soon, you will become one with the planet and then we will all join Mother for the Reunion. We will be whole again and purge this planet of pestilence!" he shouted emphatically, slicing his free hand through the air for dramatic effect. He then arched his head to the side and let out a sinister chuckle.

I had to give him credit: he was actually pretty good.

In the next scene Aerith appeared all horrified as she took several steps back while Kadaj and his long sword inched towards her. "Please," she pleaded, her eyes brimming with tears. "Why are you doing this? Why do you want to hurt me or the planet?"

Kadaj stopped, his eyes containing a deadly gleam. (He was taking his role seriously.) With another cruel smile, he said, "Because…" Everyone seemed to be holding their breath in anticipation, even me this time. "Because you're nothing but a whore."

WHAT? Did I just hear that right?

All the spectators scattered around gawked up at the stage. The auditorium rustled with hushed whispers before the place fell silent and the awkward tension began to mount. It persisted for several seconds before...

"CUT! KADAJ! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" Reeve was furious, jumping out of his chair and causing his cat to meow in panic. He threw the megaphone down and stormed up towards the stage, his stupid cat cradled in one arm.

God, I wanted to kill that cat. It gets a crown and I don't? Bullshit. How's that even fair?

'Take it easy, psycho.'

The look on Aerith's face was priceless. She glared at Kadaj venomously. I swear it looked like she wanted to kill him, but the moment Reeve stepped up towards them, her displeasure was masked by a forced smile.

Damn. I had to give this girl credit for keeping her cool. I would've lunged at Kadaj after a dick move like that.

'And likely been impaled by his giant blade.'

That just... sounded... so wrong.

"Kadaj," Reeve seethed. "How many times have we been over this? You keep this crap up and you're kicked out of the play. Understand?"

Kadaj just sighed. "Oh, come on, Reeve... I was just messing around." He looked over at Aerith. "Look, I'm sorry, all right? It was just a joke. I didn't mean it. I was just goofing." He looked at Reeve again. "Can we go again? I'll be serious this time."

Reeve continued to glare at the younger man before asking Aerith, "What do you think? You okay to go on?"

She chuckled, nodding once. "Reeve, it's fine. It doesn't bother me." Wow, I liked this chick's thick skin and tenacity.

With a smile of his own, Kadaj thanked her with a nod of his head. "All right, then. Lady's spoken. Let's go again."

Reeve gave Kadaj one final glare before reluctantly descending down the steps and returning to his chair... along with his stupid, spoiled cat whom I now hated more than anything else in the world...

Including Sugar Crisp Cereal.

4:41 pm

Aerith was kneeling down on the floor, her hands clasped together in the form of a prayer. She gazed out, looking into my eyes, and quickly threw me a wink.

My eyes widened and I felt my heart rate pick up.

'Don't lose it. It was only a wink.'

But didn't winks, especially those that women gave to men, often imply that something sexual was in order? They did, didn't they?

'No.'

I frowned. 'Explain.'

'That wink was only thrown as a gesture of sympathy towards you. I bet you anything she just feels sorry for you and is trying to stroke your ego.'

'You're full of shit!'

'Take it for what it is and don't anticipate anything more, otherwise you'll just be let down like during every other point in your life.'

'WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN? WHAT THE HELL DID I DO TO YOU?'

'Drag me out last night for a handful of fucking cherries? I hate you. We got no sleep and now I can't think straight, asshole.'

Okay, maybe that COULD have waited for a better time. You'd be surprised at how many people tell you to just "fuck off" in the late stages of the morning when you're asking them where you can find the nearest cherry market.

'It's a shame you didn't get stabbed. Damn shame.'

"Okay, let's get this right!" Reeve shouted through the megaphone.

Oh right... the play.

I watched as Aerith closed her eyes and began to pray. It was silent for a few seconds, with nothing really going on. And then, from up above, Kadaj plunged down with a barely visible string holding him. He held the long sword in two hands and pointed it straight at her as he descended.

I held my breath in anticipation, curious to see where this went.

"DIE, BITCH! DIE!" Kadaj screamed maniacally before he hit the ground and pretended to impale her.

But instead of falling to the floor lifelessly (as she perhaps should have), Aerith turned around and shot Kadaj this icy death glare.

I looked over to Reeve. He was now unconsciously squeezing his cat, oblivious to its short cries of pain as his fingers dug through its skin while his anger built up. (I smiled in appreciation.) "Kadaj…" He stood up and the cat flew off his lap, running away to safety. (I frowned in disapproval.) "Get off that stage and leave the building..."

Kadaj grinned. "Oh, come on. You-"

"NOW!"

Kadaj's smile fell. "What? You serious? Reeve, I was just playing."

Reeve pointed towards the exit. "Get out! I'll deal with you later but for now I don't wanna see you in here!" Whoa. Dude was pissed.

After recovering from the initial shock, Kadaj shook his head in astonishment before dropping his sword and ripping his trench coat off. He tossed it angrily to the ground before storming off the stage and walking up towards the exit in the back.

"Fucking feline fetish freak…" he muttered while passing by me before disappearing from view.

5:34 pm

With Kadaj gone, the rehearsal just wasn't the same and I found myself drifting in and out of sleep until it concluded. Disruptive or not, the dude had rocked. I was waiting for Aerith to finish talking with Reeve.

She turned and caught my eye, motioning for me to come up. I pointed at myself in question and she nodded in amusement, gesturing for me to hurry up.

And so I went, lazily leaving the spot I'd been slouched in for over the past hour before making my way up to the stage.

Aerith beamed when I stepped up beside her. "Reeve, this is the guy I was telling you about, Cloud. I invited him to come and watch."

Reeve offered a short smile. "Oh, how nice. So what did you think of the play?" Instantly, his face fell. "On second thought, never mind. I'm really sorry you had to see that earlier."

I shrugged in amusement, unable to hide my smirk. "It's all right." As much as I wanted to, I couldn't admit to having enjoyed the entire situation, especially since some of the comments Kadaj had made had been at Aerith's expense. I knew my chances with this girl increased exponentially the longer I kept my mouth shut.

Reeve shook his head in disappointment. "I don't know what's gotten into him. He's been getting worse and worse."

"He's probably just stressed or something," Aerith said. "I heard him and Jenova had another fight."

Reeve grunted in amusement. "Well I just wanted to tell you again that I appreciate you keeping composure. If it'd been me, I wouldn't have exercised the same restraint." My eyes were on his cat, whom he was stroking soothingly. The cat looked up at me, purring in smug satisfaction. I wanted to punch it in its furry little face.

'You're demented, you know that?'

"Cute cat." I lied to Reeve. "What's its name?"

Reeve's eyes lit up immediately. "Thank you! His name's Cait. He's really special to me." Suddenly, he grinned. "Would you like to see something cool?

"Uh..."

Aerith cleared her throat and gave me this "Please don't say 'yes'" look with her eyes.

"Yes."

'Congratulations! You are officially never going to get laid with this chick.'

Reeve brought out a little remote control and pressed several buttons. Several short seconds later, from underneath the stage, out came this… thing.

'My God... What. The. Hell. Is. That?' is that?'

How to describe this thing? Well, I'll sincerely do my best:

So whatever this walking, mechanical abomination was, it resembled a giant white marshmallow. A giant marshmallow that stood about 3 ft tall, had big puffy cartoonish-like arms and feet, and dumb little bat-like wings in the back.

It was the silliest thing I'd ever seen in my life and what made things worse was how Reeve's cat instantly jumped out of his arms and landed on top of the stupid thing's head.

The abomination strutted up to me and stopped, just staring up at me with its beady little black eyes, the cat doing the same. Their sickening expressions brought back painful, bitter memories of the evil Sugar Crisp and his sadistic smile from earlier that morning.

I no longer wanted to just punch the cat. I wanted to punch the cat, kick the marshmallow thing, and throw them both out the window. I bet the cat wouldn't be smiling then. I bet it also wouldn't land on its feet either... not from ten stories up.

"Cloud, this is my robot, Sith. And with Cait on top, you can call them both Cait Sith," Reeve gushed. What an idiot. I now wanted to punch him as well. All remaining respect I had for this man was now lost.

I quickly glanced at Aerith. Keeping a straight face, she was doing her best not to crack up.

"So... what do you think?" Reeve asked after a moment's silence.

What do I think? What do I think? I think you're absolutely nuts, that's what I think, you quack. "Um… pretty cool, I guess."

Reeve nodded in appreciation. "Isn't it? Here... watch this." Pressing several more buttons, the stupid white robot brought up its rounded hands and held them out for the cat to jump down onto. The cat landed gracefully, purring up at me in bliss. "Pretty neat, huh?" Reeve asked.

Note to self: Reeve is unquestionably an idiot. Second note to self: get out of here. Now. Third note to self: just run.

"I gotta go. I've got this big assignment due tomorrow."

Aerith pounced on the opportunity. "I have to go too, Reeve. See you tomorrow?"

Reeve seemed a tad disappointed. "Oh yeah... yeah sure. Okay then… that's it for today. Great work by the way. Take care, you two." He began to wave while I pretty much sprinted for the exit, with Aerith in tow.

"Is he still waving?"

"I dunno. I'm too scared to turn and look. Just keep going. We're almost there."

I couldn't help it. Right before exiting through the door, I glanced back. Reeve nodded with a smile and waved before crouching down to the level of his cat, stroking it and the robot over and over. And over, and over. Then he did the most insane thing ever: he hugged it. He hugged an inanimate, giant white marshmallow.

What the hell was wrong with that guy?

5:36 pm

"What the hell's wrong with that guy?" I asked moments later as we walked through the campus.

Aerith looked at me and giggled. "Oh my God... He's a really sweet guy once you get to know him but sometimes he's just, like, soooooo weird."

"That's an understatement. Does he ride the short bus or something?"

She giggled again. "Come on... it wasn't that bad. He was just trying to show off."

"You call that showing off?"

She gave my shoulder a playful smack. I tensed immediately at the contact, remembering all of a sudden something someone had told me during high school:

"If a chick flirt punches you, your chances of getting laid go up 7000 percent."

Who was I to argue with fact?

"Just leave him alone," Aerith said. "Reeve's a nice guy." We walked in silence for a few more seconds. "So…" She gazed at me intently, "We got the rest of the evening... What do you feel like doing?"

"Uh…" Stupid, intimidated Cloud back in action and reporting for duty, sir!

Luckily for me, she decided to cut in. "Never mind. Let me buy you a cup of coffee and we can go from there."

'See? I told you. Didn't I tell you we're getting laid tonight?'