Hey guys, so as promised this is the next chapter and we are back in Katniss POV!
Just want to say a MASSIVE THANK YOU to Windsongspringheart for beta-ing this story, it is a great help and mean a lot, managed to sort this mammoth of a chapter out all today, so thank you!
Matanier: Happy moment between them ensured in this chapter! :) There will be happier moments to come and this one isn't the happiest, but it is a start and I hope you like it!
HelloEverlarkForever: Here you go, it's what you've waited for an Everlark...well, you'll have to read to find out!
Ex2see: Thank you, I will be involving them in this more than the books, and little friendships and relationships that are perhaps not as predominant as others in the book.
Guest: Sorry it took so long for that update, and if everything goes okay you'll get your Gale moment next chapter! :)
everlarkFeels: Hope you enjoy it!
grace: Sorry it took so long, my internet was bad for the week but updates shouldn't be as far apart now that it is back to normal, hope you enjoy this chapter!
Kien Ton: thank you! So glad you're liking it still and that you like this chapter, what do you think of the Peeta POV chapters? are they something you don't mind?
lhaine07: I'm glad that you like their relationship, hopefully the last chapter in Peeta's POV was enjoyable for you! yes the relationship between Katniss and her Mom will become stronger than it was in the books as I feel it needs to be by the end, but to get there it will be a rocky road! And in this chapter Katniss will be opening up to Peeta, so I hope you like it!
Kassioppe: thank you very much, hope you like this conversation just as much :)
Guest: Thank you, there is more than just a talk between Katniss and Peeta in this chapter so I hope you like it, and the Gale encounter will be in two chapters time :)
Guest: Thank you for the review and personally I enjoy writing Gale in this way, however I do know what you mean, sometimes he can get too stupid. He is going to calm down at points, but for now I have written him as a changed personality just because it is my take on the story. I do hope this is okay, I understand if you don't like it, but I have planned the chapters to fit to a more annoyed and jealous Gale. There is a small reason as to why Gale is acting the way he is and it will be reviled in time. I'm sorry that it isn't how you like Gale to be portrayed though but I hope you can still enjoy it a bit, as after the next few chapters he is going to be nice and earn back some trust and explain himself.
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, I'm just using them for a bit :)
Hope you all like it and could leave us a review of your thoughts of this and any previous chapter!
With Prim gone, me and Peeta stand alone in my living room. We stand in silence for a moment, I know the first thing I want to do is apologize for last night when I just left him alone saying I was tired. The being tired part had proved to be true but I still feel terrible for leaving him like that. It isn't fair with how much he has been doing for me recently. Peeta, however, beats me to it.
"Are you okay?"
"I guess so." I shrug my shoulders in response. Every time I am asked that question I don't know what to say. I can never express my feelings correctly and it is hard enough to explain it as it is. But I need to tell Peeta, just like Prim encouraged me to last night. I need to sleep and relax as much as possible, and it seems I can only do that when I am with him.
"No, I'm not actually, I..." I struggle to find the words, but as always Peeta knows what to say.
"Nightmares?"
I just nod my head, and take a seat on the couch, Peeta following me. The couch isn't very big, it can only sit two people comfortably, but with us on it you could squeeze in a third. Our bodies are close to each other, I can practically feel the heat radiating off of him. But I don't find myself feeling awkward or imposed upon with this closeness so I remain next to him, our bodies turned slightly so that we face each other.
"I had one last night."
"Prim said."
"No surprise there!" I mean it as a joke but it comes out harsher than I intended.
"She is only looking out for you Kat."
"I know it's just, she is the younger one, she is the little sister and I should be looking out for her! Not the other way around!"
"I know you want to protect her, and you are, but we have been gone a while. She has grown up whilst we were in the Capitol, learned to fend for herself a bit more. She is only looking out for you because she cares just as much about you as you do her."
There is no fault in Peeta's words, and just like every time I talk to him, I feel more reassured about my actions, and my brain less cluttered.
"Do you want to talk about your nightmare?"
My mouth tries to say 'no' it is my instinct to shut people out, but this time I'm not going to. "Yes."
"It was stupid really. I'm fine now. It wasn't real, I know that, but..." I start word vomiting over Peeta trying to act unaffected by my nightmares like any normal person would be.
"Katniss," Peeta's hands stretch out to find mine, clasping them in his own, soothing me. The warm touch, and gentle rubbing of his thumb against the back of my hand relaxes me. "I get them too, and I'm definitely affected by them. I wake up sweating, sometimes screaming...they feel so real, don't be ashamed."
I watch as Peeta pours his heart out to me. The very part I want to hide from him. Because if I open up this part of me to him, then he knows everything about me. The parts I have never told anyone else, and I don't want to seem like a lost cause that he will abandon. But aren't people meant to know the worst and accept it and remain together? 'For better or for worse' or something like that.
Wait! why am I reciting marriage vows thinking of Peeta!
"I swear sometimes they did happen. Some are memories, but most the time losing you is my nightmare, and knowing you are okay calms me and I'm able to drop back off. But I haven't been able to er...do that in a while."
I look into his blue eyes, they are full of intensity and glistening with fear.
"That's what mine are like, I lose you or Prim and I wake up screaming. I'm too scared to sleep alone, and when I wake up, I don't want to because then it just makes my nightmares a possibility." We don't talk for a moment wallowing in our pain.
"How do they do it?"
"Who?"
"The other Victors. They never had anyone else with them when they won. How aren't they as messed up as us all the time?"
"I think they are Kat. They have just learned to hide it better over the years."
"How do we get rid of the nightmares? Do you think they will ever go away?" My voice is small and scared, like it always sees to be with Peeta. Recently it feels as if all our conversations are sad and I don't like it. Yes, I need to talk it out with someone, and who better to understand than Peeta? But I don't want all memories of Peeta to be miserable. I want to treat him like the friends we are becoming and have fun times together as well.
"No. Perhaps over time they won't be as bad, but I don't think they will ever go away fully."
I grow cold at his words. I physically shiver at the prospect of never having a good sleep again. The only time I get a decent sleep is when I am with Peeta and I know that him and Prim are okay. That is how I get rid of them. But, I seem to have lost my previous confidence in asking Peeta to stay with me. Here, in the moment I'm scared of what he will think. Will he think I am pathetic, or a wuss like Gale thinks?
"Kat, Prim said to me today, and I don't know if it's what you want or not, if it's not that's fine. I don't want you to feel like you have to or something like that I don't want you to-"
"Peeta?" I know where he is going with this, and watching him struggle to not offend me is perhaps one of the sweetest things I have ever watched.
"Yeah?"
"I did talk to Prim last night, too, and she made me realize what helps me to sleep and I didn't know how to say it so I wasn't going to, but I'll save you from the pain of asking, because you're too cute all flustered!" I realize what I have said and ignore it, quickly continuing with my point. "I sleep better when I am with you."
"I do, too. I just don't want you to feel like I'm pressuring you to-"
"You're not. I need you, Peeta. It is my decision to stay with you. I can't let Snow take you away from me, not after everything I have already lost. You don't need to be worried about me, I want to sleep with you. What happened on the Victory tour wasn't your fault, Peeta, and it hasn't frightened me away from you, I promise. Besides, if I want to go I can easily kick your a**!"
He smiles at my comment, "Really, you kick my a**?"
"You know I could Mellark!" I pretend to punch him but he grabs my wrist, gently, and we find ourselves fake fighting on the couch. I go to 'hit' his face but he grabs my other hand, causing me to lose my balance and fall onto Peeta so I am lying over his lap. I feel him tense underneath me and at first I feel embarrassed, but I can't help the laugh that starts to leave my mouth. As soon as I laugh, Peeta relaxes and he starts to chuckle also.
"Great a**-kicking Everdeen."
"Don't you forget it!" I lift myself off of Peeta's lap, but instead of doing what I normally would, which is to walk away, I remain lying on the couch with my legs curled up and I rest my head on Peeta's shoulder so we are still sitting side by side. Naturally, Peeta's arm wraps itself around my waist and pulls me closer and I don't pull away. I take comfort from the closeness. I feel a sense of ease I haven't felt in a while to just be joking around with someone. It is moments like this that I love, seeing Peeta happy, feeling happy myself, the moments are rare but are becoming less so with Peeta.
My mind wanders off into blissful oblivion and I can feel the lull of sleep pulling me under. My breathing is slow and smooth and I know I'm not far from falling asleep, needing to catch up on what I was deprived of last night. But, like Snow's does, Peeta's voice pulls me away from my blissful thoughtlessness.
"What are we going to tell Coin today?"
I sigh, exasperated. I haven't really thought about it to be honest.
"I don't know, I want to go out and help so bad. I feel useless laying around here. But I'm not ready, I know it. I couldn't protect myself in the arena when Johanna was attacking me, so how can I expect to protect hundreds and thousands of people?"
"You don't have to, we will tell Coin that we just need a few more days."
"That should be fun. I can't wait!"
"Me either, but we have to. We just need to get through the next few days until you feel ready to go help out in the Districts and we can get away from Coin."
I notice that all the time Peeta is saying 'we' and it makes me feel as if I am holding him back.
"You don't have to wait for me."
"I want to." His hands comes up to stroke the side of my face, contentedly I lean into it. "I don't want to be separated from you again. Not after the Games. I thought you were dead for a few hours and it was the worst few hours of my life. I won't let it happen again."
I'm about to say something that could possibly come close to the caring words he has just said to me, but my stomach has other ideas and lets out a rather loud growl and causes Peeta to laugh.
"Hungry?"
"Apparently." I look down at my stomach in mock annoyance as if it is the one in the wrong. But, as I haven't fed it in quite a while, I know it is really me in the wrong and I need to move and get up and ready.
"You go get ready, I'll wait here while you do."
"Okay, I'll just be a minute."
I get up off of the couch, and as I leave the room, I can feel Peeta's eyes watching me and a warm sensation travels down my body and I smile. Letting him in, and not pushing him away every few seconds is already turning out to be good. I don't feel as guilty around him for all the things I have done. For all the times I have lied to him and made him think my love was real.
I am quite fast at getting ready, only having to wash my face and brush my teeth and I'm back in the living room quickly. The one thing I haven't done is brush my hair since I couldn't find a hair brush anywhere.
I walk back into the living room to see Peeta inspecting a photo of my father. It is the only photo we have of him. Standing in his uniform, and though I miss him and cherish the photo of him dearly, every time I look at that photo I feel a sense of hatred. He is standing in his uniform and that is what got him killed. But now I know better. Snow had him killed and every time I look at that photo, it is tainted with the thoughts of Snow. Even when I didn't know it, he was corrupting my life, messing with it as if it were a toy. Panem is just that to him, one big expandable toyshop. He can pick and choose whatever toy he wants to play with next until he breaks it and it starts all over again.
"You have his smile you know." Peeta brings me out of my thoughts. He doesn't turn to face me, he continues to look at the photo, its wooden frame starting to go green with mold.
"I don't exactly smile much though." I walk over to Peeta as I say this to get a closer looks at the photo. I see it almost every day, but I always fear that I will forget what my dad looked like and that the memories will fade once I forget that. I stand behind Peeta, my chin almost resting on his shoulder as he speaks. I can see the top of his collarbone at the edge of his shirt and the tanned muscles in his arm flexing slightly.
"You do. Just not when people are looking much."
"Well you must notice me."
"I've noticed you for a long time, Katniss."
Again the underlying topic of his feelings for me are hinted at in his words. But I don't mind as much, I just brush it off and continue to talk.
"Like when, exactly?"
"Hmm. Well, there is those times whenever you're with me, of course!" He jokes.
"Obviously. You're the best company ever!"
"Quite right m'lady!" I chuckle at his teasing tone, cherishing this side of him. I don't think about what I am saying, I don't think about the fact that I am being more friendly than normal towards him.
He places the photo back down and turns to face me. I notice then how close I had been standing behind him. We are inches apart and I can feel his breath on my face and an overwhelming urge to press my lips against him consumes me. To feel the warmth of his soft skin against mine. I can hear my heart quickening and my breaths coming shorter. I'd be embarrassed at Peeta noticing this if it weren't for the fact that he was reacting to our closeness in the exact same way.
It wouldn't take much to move an inch closer.
"You haven't brushed your hair." And the moment was gone. The courage that was building up inside of me has vanished and I take a step back swiftly.
"Yeah, I couldn't find the hairbrush. Prim must have taken it..I..." my sentence comes to an uncertain end and I feel like an idiot for being so thrown off by our close proximity. I try everything to calm myself down to remind myself that this is Peeta and I am being stupid acting this way. My eyes avoid his. I suddenly don't know where to look, so they roam round the room as I speak. I can't remember how to look at him as I talk. What is too much eye contact? Where else do I look when eye contact becomes too long?
My thoughts become quick and irrational, though the restless eyes turn into my savior because as I look around, I see the hair brush lying on the arm of the couch, Prim's hair tangled between each bristle, evidence that it moving was her fault.
"I found it!" I say too excitedly racing over to get it.
I pick it up, the bristles pull at my hair, I've never had much patience for brushing my hair. It always seemed too time consuming and irrelevant. I remember when I was younger asking my mom if I could cut it off like dad.
"Don't be silly, why would you do that?"
"Because it gets in my way, mommy!"
"But you look beautiful with it, sweetie"
"Nope. Dad doesn't have long hair and he still looks pretty!"
"That's because he isn't you. Your hair is fine."
"No it's not! I have to brush it instead of going out into the woods with dad!"
"You know you're not allowed in the woods, Katniss."
"But if I didn't have hair, then I wouldn't have to brush it when you ask and I could go with dad."
"I'll think about it sweetie, but for now you need to finish brushing it for school."
Looking back now, I know it wasn't my hair that was stopping me from going hunting. It was an excuse so my mom could stop me. At the time I didn't need to go hunting and she would always come up with another time consuming job to get me to stay away from hunting.
Ever since then, though, I've never had the patience to brush my hair gently, which is most likely why it is so knotty all the time and frizzy. I can hear the hair break as I force the brush through it, parts of my hair leaving my scalp with the brush.
"You'll end up bald with the way your going at that Kat."
"You don't have to brush your hair everyday, though, do you?"
"No, but you could be more gentle with it." He grins at my obvious impatience.
"It's not funny, your not a hair expert are you? So don't criticize."
"I'm looking out for your hair Katniss. You're putting it in serious danger! It might become extinct if you continue like that."
"Oh, so my hair is more important than me is it? It's okay to criticize me but, pull too much at my hair and the Peeta police are here!"
"Peeta police?"
"Yeah, Peeta Police!"
"Great one, Kat. Very clever."
"If you're going to complain so much, why don't you do it oh-clever-one?"
"Peeta Police to the rescue!"
Immaturely, I stick my tongue out at him, unable to hide the smile from my face. I hand the hair-covered brush to Peeta and turn around to give him access to my hair.
I stand there, trying to forget about Peeta and how I can feel his body heat radiating on me. I can hear each breath he takes and feel each soft touch he places on my head. Each time his hand strokes my hair following the movements of the brush, he does it with such tenderness and care. I find it almost hypnotizing. Listening to his breathing and leaning into his gentle touch, I could fall asleep.
"You're very good at this."
"Well I have done it before."
"When?"
There is a pause before Peeta answers and when he next speaks it is quietly, almost as if he is embarrassed or scared. "When you were in the hospital.
"Oh." I don't know what to say. The thought of Peeta being so close to me as I lay defenseless on the hospital bed makes me feel betrayed. He did something to me without my permission. But my immediate reaction is the old untrusting Katniss and I think to myself that he never did anything to hurt me. Slowly the thought of Peeta being next to me on the hospital bed stirs strange feelings in the pit of my stomach and I feel warm inside as if I am...excited.
I push the feeling away from the forefront of my mind.
"Why did you?"
"I didn't want to leave you and I was just…" The sentence hangs unfinished in the air. I can tell that he is embarrassed.
"Thank you."
Peeta doesn't say anything after that. We stop talking and I allow him to brush my hair and I just stand there, eyes closed.
I am so content and relaxed that I release a small moan of pleasure. I instantly open my eyes, embarrassed.
"Sorry. Did I hurt you?"
"No, it's just nice." I mumble incoherently and I am glad that we aren't facing each other as my face is turning a very vibrant shade of red.
Admittedly, I don't want him to stop. It is such a simple and soothing action, and one I am surprised at how much I enjoy it. But nevertheless, my hair is finally knot-free, and for the first time in a long time, I want my hair to be brushed for longer. I want to spend the rest of this day in the intimate moment.
However, Peeta does stop brushing, much to my disappointment. I go to say thank you, for all the times he has brushed it for me without my knowing, but it doesn't feel like enough to do that. Not to someone like Peeta who I'm so close with. So, I do what feels quite natural.
From behind me, Peeta leans his face over my shoulder ti pass me the hairbrush back. I can feel his breath tickling my neck, and before I lose my confidence, I turn my head slightly and give Peeta a kiss on the cheek in thanks.
Well, that's what I had planned, but it isn't what happened. As I turned my head, Peeta turned his slightly to avoid bumping mine. So as I leaned in for a chaste kiss on the check I met something else. My lips brushed Peeta's. I feel him suck in a breath in shock as I do the same.
His lips are just as warm as I remember them on mine, and in that split second that our lips make contact, a warm tingling feeling shoots down through my body to my toes and I crave more.
Shocked at this, we both pull back slightly. I look into Peeta's eyes. They have gone a darker shade of blue and his breathing is shallower. His pupils are dilated and I watch him as he stares at my lips, unconsciously licking his own.
So I kiss him again. This time I mean to meet my lips with his.
I shift my body so I have better access to his. I mould my lips against his, feeling the warm wetness of his mouth against mine. His arms snake their way around me, making me feel warm and secure. I want, no, I need more. The kiss is quickly becoming heated. My hands are roaming through Peeta's hair and our breathing is labored. I press my body against his, moulding to the perfect fit. At my actions, Peeta releases a growl like moan which only spurs me on. I can feel a warmness growing in the pit of my stomach, overruling all the trepidations I have about doing this.
Peeta's mouth leaves mine and I gasp for air as he moves down my neck, slowly. He caresses my skin placing butterfly kisses down my neck. Stopping just behind my earlobe and sucking on a tender spot causing me to release a sigh of pleasure. I'm embarrassed at how loud it was but I don't want him to stop what he is doing, I don't have much experience in this area, but I know that what he is doing will leave a mark. But I want him to. I want people to know that he has done this to me, that I am his and he is mine.
"Peeta." I moan through panting breaths, slipping my fingers through his belt loops, pulling him closer.
"Yeah," he says with the same desire.
I can't form any words at the moment, his hands have found their way down to the edge of my shirt. His calloused hands are placed on the flat of my stomach, sneaking their way under my top. His thumbs rub circles on my hips causing me to go weak at the knees and gasp.
"Katniss," Peeta mutters my name, on his lips it sounds like honey and I just want him to say it again. I want more. I need him to say my name again. So without any thought I daringly grind my hips into Peeta's and he makes the noise I so desperately want to hear. I do it again, I can't control the lust controlling my body.
"Katniss," he says as I push my hips against his for a third time, our legs overlapping each other.
I stop suddenly. I can feel a hardness growing where my hips are attached to Peeta and it scares me. In that moment I realize what I am doing, and I know that I've gone too far. I shouldn't have let this happen. I wanted to open up to Peeta, but right now I don't want this. Do I? Before I let the thought manifest into something more concrete I pull back from Peeta.
"Katniss?" Peeta says, his voice still low and breathy with lust, but as he realizes what we are doing, coming down from the high, he steps back from me also. Guilt covering his face.
"God. Katniss. I didn't...I wasn't...I'm so sorry."
I'm quick to respond to Peeta, not wanting him to think this is his fault. We both did it, and we both enjoyed it.
"No, it's okay-"
"No it's not. I promised myself I would never do that again."
"Do what?"
"Force myself on you-"
"You have never done that Peeta. Don't ever think that what Snow made us do was your fault."
"I just-"
"No. We just kissed. I just kissed you. You did not force yourself on me. You never have. Peeta, what Snow put us through might have been a horrible experience, but I'm glad I had you. You didn't force yourself on me. Not even then. If you did, you'd be in pain right now, trust me."
"Sorry, Kat-"
"Stop apologizing, Peeta. It's not your fault, and it's not like I didn't enjoy it." I blush at my words but try to force it down.
"I like you Kat, but that doesn't mean I should do that. Not if you don't like me."
I could tell him now. It would be the perfect moment. Just to say that I like him as well, that it isn't a lie. But my earlier courage that caused me to kiss him has vanished.
My stomach growls again, bringing with it a change of conversation.
"You ready to get some breakfast?" Peeta suggests.
Having skipped dinner yesterday, I'm surprised my stomach hasn't made itself known more.
"Yes, I'd love some."
I smile at Peeta, trying to get rid of all the awkwardness surrounding our recent actions, but I can tell by the way he is looking at me that he still feels bad. It shouldn't be like this, so I try to make light of it.
"You might need to flatten your hair a bit before we go." I smile at him and reach for his hair. My fingers run through it, straightening it out. It is sticking up at all odd ends because of me.
"Peeta."
"Yes?"
Again I chicken out.
"Let's go get some breakfast!" He takes my hand like he always does in front of the cameras and I look down at our entwined fingers. I decide I like this. This is contact which isn't forced, so don't do anything about it. However, I must have been staring at our clasped hands too long as Peeta notices and pulls back.
"Sorry, habit."
"I know." I won't chicken out. "I like it."
At this I watch the corners of Peeta's mouth turn up into a faint smile. The smile reaches his eyes and I can't help but want to make that smile bigger. Make him understand that none of this is his fault, and, if anything, he has made everything bearable and good, and even if I'm too frightened to say it to him out loud at the moment, I still like him. I still have untouched feelings for him that I haven't allowed myself to delve into.
1h agoI might not be able to say it to him, but I can move. My actions have always been better than my words, so I reach out for his hands again and weave my nimble fingers through his strong ones. The ones that were roaming my stomach moments ago. The ones that have protected me, made me feel safe, and also at the same time time, hungry. Hungry for more of his touch. Who knew something as simple as hands could be of such value?
When I take his hand, he smile becomes bigger and I mirror it. Happy.
"Come on, Peeta police, lead me to the food!"
"Anything for you m'lady!"
"You better be prepared to carry me, then. Waking me up this early..." I know it isn't really early. If anything, I'm used to waking up earlier but I want Peeta to relax and stop feeling like he can't around me in case he does something wrong. I know that all of his trepidation would go away if I just told him that it isn't a lie. That I do like him. It isn't a lie.
As we walk out of my room and head down the endless grey corridors hand in hand, I seem to be thinking the words so much that they burst from my mouth, like a waterfall.
"Not a lie." It sounds stupid and I don't know what to say next.
"What?"
I take a deep breath, trying to suck up as much courage as I can to tell him this. It seems silly to not be able to admit feelings, but that has always been a fear. Because if I do this, the door to so many other things will open. So many other things could go wrong.
"It's not a lie. Not anymore." I say slowly.
"What you on about, Kat?"
I stop, bringing us both to a stand still.
"I'm not lying anymore, Peeta. This. Us. I-" I can't form the things I want to say. I never can and it's why I try not to talk at important times and just follow orders, but there aren't any orders right now. This is me doing what I want, no Snow to control me, no camera's to act for. It feels like the first time in a while that what I'm doing is for me and maybe that's why I'm finding it so tricky to say it.
"I didn't know you before the Games. You were just the guy that saved my family and I thought I owed you something for it. So, when you were reaped, I knew that I couldn't be friends with you. Because I still owed you and I was going to have to kill you."
"You didn't owe me anything, Kat. If someone does something for you, normally you shouldn't expect to have to give something in return but you did. Did you not think all those squirrels were no help?"
"I dunno. I thought you just traded with me because maybe you felt sorry for me. I guess that's why I never spoke to you. I didn't want your pity."
"I don't pity you, Katniss. I never did."
"I know that now, but in the arena, when I thought you had betrayed me, I thought it would be easier to kill you because you were planning on doing the same, debts be forgotten. But you were only trying to save me, so I acted. It was the only way I could save you. Now I know that I should have told you, which is why I'm telling you now. You know why I don't let people in. Why I don't trust easily, and you know why I've never let myself like anyone, but the thing is…" Again, my words start to fail me and I hate myself for it, but I continue.
"Apparently, I'm not in control of my feelings as much as I would like. Peeta, we've been though so much together and honestly, I think you're the only person I can trust now. The only person I feel safe with. At first I thought it was like it was with Gale, just work together and not talk much. But talking is kinda your thing!" I chuckle slightly, a nervous one that releases some of my nerves.
"Thing is. What I'm trying to say is, I kinda like you. I don't know how to say it, or how to act because I don't want to let myself have another person who can be used to hurt me, like Snow does with Prim. But I already do. You somehow got under my skin. At first it was an act, but now, I don't think it is anymore. I love having you as my friend. I actually enjoy talking when I'm with you. I just feel comfortable. I know I can trust you. But, I don't know what I want. Some days I convince myself it's just what we have been through, that we just have a strange friendship. I might not be very experienced in relationships, but I know you're not meant to be thinking of kissing your friend."
I take a deep breath, trying to gauge Peeta's reactions to my words, but he is just standing there. Looking at me and listening, waiting for me to finish.
"So, I don't know what I want. I just know that I'm not lying anymore. When I talk to you, when I hug you, or kiss you, I want it, but I don't know what I want from these feelings. I just needed to say this, I guess. That I'm not lying anymore, Peeta. I hate that I ever did because I know how much it hurt you." I'm struggling to finish my point, words starting to tumble out of my mouth like an avalanche.
"Katniss," Peeta finally speaks up which diffuses a lot of the worry I didn't realize I'd had. He breathes out a shaky breath. Have I scared him?
His hands come up to cup my face and his eyes stare deeply into me with such an overpowering intensity that I'm tempted to look away, but I don't.
"I would never hurt you Kat. I would never do what Gale has done to you, but I also think that maybe you should talk to Gale, I know what he said was horrible, but he is just doing what he thinks is right. He doesn't know about the threats from Snow, he thought you were dead, and then you, according to all the camera's, have chosen me. You aren't what he called you, and he should never have called you that. I know exactly who you are, and that is many things, and not one is even in the same dimension as what Gale called you."
He sounds angry, and thinking of what Gale said to me I am too, but I find that, despite hating being looked after, I find Peeta's anger sweet. Is he right about Gale? was it just a long overdue outburst? But the Gale I knew would never say something like that to me. But the Katniss he knew would never dare open up to the idea of dating someone, maybe we have both changed. The time we spent apart whilst I was in the Games changed us both. Drastic things happened and we have acted how we see fit.
"I don't think you know how happy it has made me to hear you say that. You know I would never force myself on you. I would never make you do anything you don't want, so if all you want is just to get that out in the open, that's fine. Trust me, it's more than I ever expected, so I'd be happy for the rest of my life if it was the only thing you ever said to me. I will always be here for you as a friend, or something more if that's what you want. No matter who you choose to spend your life with, or even if you don't I'll always be here you know that. Because I need you, too. I don't know if you've heard, but I kinda like you, too."
I smile at his words. Only Peeta could make something that seems so daunting to me a light-hearted and easy thing.
"Let's go get some breakfast now. And if you want, we can talk about this later. Nothing has to change, so don't feel like you have to. Let's just go eat, because I'm starving!"
"Good idea."
I take Peeta's hand in mine once more and together we walk hand in hand to breakfast. Today feels like a good day already, the weight on my shoulders feeling much lighter. Now that I've said this, we can finally stop acting strange around each other, going from confident to scared that we've overstepped a line. I know I'll have him beside me no matter what and I am relieved that just admitting it to him is enough. I don't want things to suddenly change. I need to work myself through this. I need to figure out exactly what it is. But I've been through the Hunger Games. Twice. I think I can do this. Especially since I have Peeta by my side.
Phew there it is! A very long apology chapter for the update being late, I hope you liked it and enjoyed the progress that is finally being made in Katniss and Peeta's relationship, I would love if you could drop us a review, I'd really appreciate it!
See you in the next chapter :)
Chapter Teaser: Breakfast time drama, Johanna and Finnick are back and Coin does something that's going to make a bunch of people angry!