Author's Note:
Here's chapter 11! A special thanks to:
Ella Enchanted
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Chapter 11-A New Identity
Annabeth settled herself comfortably in the easy chair near the fire and sighed as she leaned her head back. She was five minutes early today, and anxious to talk to Silena. She heard the click-clack of her high heels coming across the hall to the study she used for seeing patients, and Annabeth smiled and sat up straight in her chair. She wanted to give Silena the full benefit.
"Good morning, early bird. Don't you look pretty in red today?" And then she stopped in the doorway and smiled. She stared at her in admiration. "Never mind the red. Let me see the new chin." Silena advanced on her slowly, looking at Annabeth's face.
"Wow! You're so beautiful Annabeth". Then she continued "Well, how do you like it?" But she could see the answer in her face.
"Annabeth, I can't describe how gorgeous you are!" Now one could see the lovely young neck, arching gracefully away from the slim shoulders, the delicate chin and gentle, sensuous mouth. What one could see was exquisite and perfectly suited the girl's personality.
Luke's endless sketches and sculptures had not been in vain. "My gosh, I want to look like that too! Do I need to go through an accident first? You are so beautiful! How I envy you."
Annabeth chortled with glee, and sat back in the chair, behind the dark brown felt hat she had bought a few weeks before. It went well with the new brown wool coat and brown boots she was wearing with the red knit dress. Her figure had always been excellent, and with the striking new face she was going to be a very dazzling girl.
"It's embarrassing, Silena. I feel so good I could squeak. And the weird thing is, it doesn't even look like me, but I love it."
"I'm glad but what about it not looking like you? Does that bother you, Annabeth?"
"Not as much as I thought it would. But maybe I still expect the rest to look like me. This is just one isolated part, and I never much liked my mouth before anyway. Maybe it'll seem stranger when the rest looks like someone else too. I don't know."
"You know something, Annabeth? Maybe you ought to just sit back and enjoy it. Maybe you ought to play with this a little. Go with it."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, we're working on being a new Annabeth, and we've been trying to adjust to giving up pieces of that Annabeth as we go along. Maybe you ought to just stand back and look at the whole canvas. For instance, did you like your walk before?"
Annabeth looked puzzled as she thought about it. This was a whole new idea, and something they had never discussed in the months she'd been seeing Silena. "I don't know, Silena. I never thought about my walk."
"Well, let's think about it. What about your voice? Have you ever considered a voice coach? You have a marvellous voice, smooth and soft. Maybe with a little coaching you could make more of it. Why don't we play with what you've got and really make the most of it? Luke does. Why don't you?"
Annabeth's face lit up at the idea, and she began to catch some of Silena's excitement. "I could develop all kinds of new sides to myself, couldn't I? Play the piano … a new walk ….a new career like I want to study architecture. I could even change my name."
"Well, let's not leap into any of this. You don't want to feel you've lost yourself. You want to feel you've added to yourself. But let's think about all this. I have a feeling it's going to take us in some very interesting directions."
"I want a new voice." Annabeth sat back and giggled. "Like this." She lowered her voice by several octaves, and Silena laughed.
"If you do enough of that, Luke may have to give you a beard."
"Terrific." They were suddenly in a holiday mood, and Annabeth got up and began to prance around the room. At times like that, Silena remembered how young she really was. Twenty-five now. Her birthday had come and gone, and she was growing up in ways many people never had to. But beneath the surface, she was still a very young girl.
"You know, I do want you to be aware of one thing though, Annabeth." She sounded more serious now.
"And what's that?"
"I think you should understand why you're so willing to try out a new you. It's not unusual for smart, clever person like you to feel unsure of their identities. You're not certain what your mother was like, and as a result, you felt as though a piece of you is missing, a link to reality. So it's a lot easier for you to give up parts of the person you once were than it would be for someone who retained very dear images of her parents—and all the responsibilities that it entails. In some ways it may make things simpler for you."
Annabeth was silent, and Silena smiled at her as she sank back into the cosy chair near the fire. It was a wonderful room to see patients in: it set everyone instantly at ease. The fireplace was trimmed in brass, the curtains were old and lacy, there were walls of books, tiny paintings tucked away in unexpected corners, and everywhere was a profusion of leafy ferns. It looked like the home of an interesting woman, and that was exactly the effect Silena wanted. "Okay, it will take you some time to think about that. For the moment, there's another serious subject we have to get into. What about the holidays?"
"What about them?" Annabeth's eyes closed like two doors, and the laughter of moments before was now completely gone. Silena had known it would be this way, which was why the subject had to be broached.
"How do you feel about the holidays? Are you scared?"
"No." Annabeth's face was immobile, as Silena watched.
"Sad?"
"No."
"Okay, no more guessing games, Annabeth. Suppose you tell me. What do you feel?"
"You want to know what I feel?" Annabeth suddenly looked straight back at her, dead in the eye. "You want to know?" She stood up and strode across the room and then back again. "I feel pissed."
"Pissed?"
"Very pissed. Super pissed. Royally pissed."
"To whom?"
Annabeth sank into the chair again and looked into the fire. This time when she spoke her voice was soft and sad. "To Percy. I thought he'd have found me by now. It's been a year and a half. I thought he'd have been here." She closed her eyes to keep back the tears.
"Who else are you mad at? Yourself?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"For making the deal with Paul Blofis in the first place. I hate his guts, but I hate mine worse. I sold out."
"Did you?"
"I think so. And all for a new face." She spoke with contempt where moments before there had been pride. But they were delving deeper now.
"I don't agree with you, Annabeth. You didn't do it for a new face. You did it for a new life. Is that so wrong at your age? What would you think of someone else who did the same thing?"
"I don't know. Maybe I'd think they were stupid. Maybe I'd understand."
"You know, a few minutes ago we were talking about a new life. New voice, new walk, new face, new name. Everything is new, except one thing." Annabeth waited, not wanting to hear her say it. "Percy. What about thinking of a new life without Percy? Do you ever think about that?"
"No." But her eyes suddenly watered with tears, and they both knew she was lying.
"Never?"
"I never think of other men. But sometimes I think about not having Percy."
"And how do you feel?"
"Like I wish I were dead."
"But you don't have Percy now. And it's not so bad, is it?" Annabeth only shrugged in answer, and then Silena spoke again, her voice infinitely soft "Maybe you need to do some real thinking about all that, Annabeth."
"You don't think he's coming back to me, do you?" She was angry again. This time at Silena, because there was no one else to be angry at.
"I don't know, Annabeth. No one knows the answer to that except Percy."
"Yeah. The son of a bitch!" She got up and paced the room again, and then like a windup toy winding down, the fury of her pacing slowed, until she finally stood in front of the fire, with tears rolling down her face and her hands clenched on the screen in front of the fire. "Oh Silena, I'm so scared."
"Of what?" The voice was soft behind her.
"Of being alone. Of not having Percy. Of not being me anymore. Of…I wonder if I've done a terrible thing that I'll be punished for. I gave up love for my face."
"But you thought you'd already lost everything. You can't blame yourself for the choice you made, and in the end you may be glad."
"Yeah … maybe …" There were fresh sobs from the fireplace, and Silena watched the slim shoulders shake. "You know, I'm scared of the holidays too. This time there's no one. Lily and Gretchen left last month. Their work was over. And you will go skiing and Luke's going to Europe, and …" She couldn't stop the tears. But these were the realities of her life now. She had to face them. Silena shouldn't be made to feel guilty for leaving, nor should Luke: they had their own lives, as well as their time with her.
"Maybe it's time you go out and make some new friends."
"Maybe." Is she now ready to face the world? Now she's got a new face, will she lead a normal life? But she wasn't ready to believe that. "Anyway, I don't need new friends. I'll keep busy with my paintings." Luke's gift had been a godsend.
"I know. I saw your last batch of paintings the other day. Luke showed them to me. He's so proud of them he shows them to everyone. It's beautiful work, Annabeth."
"Thank you." Some of the anger drained out of her with the talk of her work. "Oh Silena…" She sat back in the chair again and stretched her legs. "What am I going to do with my life?"
"That's what we're figuring out, isn't it? And in the meantime, why don't you think about some of what we talked about today? The voice coach, a personality trainer, music lessons, and later on going to school for architectural course.—something to amuse you, and all part of the person you will soon become."
"Yeah, I guess I will give it some thought especially the going back to school to study architecture and well…a new name. When are you coming back from skiing, by the way?" Next month. But I'll leave a number where you can reach me in an emergency." Silena was more worried about Annabeth's getting through the holidays than she was willing to admit. Holidays were prime time for depression, even suicide, but Annabeth seemed solid for the moment. She just didn't want her to become hysterical in her loneliness. It was rotten luck that she and Luke were going away at the same time, but on the other hand Annabeth had to learn not to depend on them too much. "Why don't we make an appointment for a month from today. And I want to see a mountain of beautiful paintings you made over the holidays. And another thing, have you discussed with Luke the gallery show you will be holding in the early part of next year? "
"No, not yet."
"Then you should. You have so many things to be busy about. Two or three days after the holiday, you can go to Mexico. I saw some interesting subjects there."
"Oh really? That's a nice idea. I want to feel fresh air again in the mountains and that reminds me." Annabeth jumped up again and vanished into the hallway, where she had left a flat package wrapped in brown paper. When she returned with it, she smilingly held it out to Silena. "Merry Christmas."
Silena opened it with a look of pleasure and then of awe. The gift was a painting of herself that looked as though she had sat for it for hours, to allow the artist to capture just the right look, the right mood It had a dreamy, impressionistic quality; she had been standing on Annabeth's terrace with the wind in her hair, wearing a pale pink silk shirt; and the sun had been setting in red and pink tones behind her. She remembered the day, but couldn't remember Annabeth painting it.
"When did you paint that?" She looked stunned.
"When you were not around." Annabeth looked pleased with herself, and she had every right to be. The painting was magnificent. It was an expressive one.
"You're incredible, Annabeth. What a beautiful, beautiful gift."
"I had a good subject."
The two women exchanged a hug, and Annabeth regretfully shrugged back into her coat "Have a wonderful ski trip."
"I will. I'll bring you some snow."
Annabeth hugged her again and they wished each other a Merry Christmas as she left. There was a tug at Silena's heart after she was gone. Annabeth was a beautiful girl inside.
Katie Williams entered Percy's office and she put down the plane tickets for San Francisco.
"This soon? Are you sure Mom wanted me to go to San Francisco after the holiday?"
"Yes, and you ought to prepare for your trip. I have settled for all the things the whole team will need but…you need to go out Percy. So don't forget to bring those casual clothes for your dates. There might be an exciting girl waiting for you out there."
Percy just shook his head. Katie at her age was always a hopeless romantic. He settled in his executive chair and stretched his legs. San Francisco. This project will be bringing again endless nights of work.
Without Luke and Silena around, Annabeth decided to go to Mexico to catch some beautiful subjects for her paintings. A few days will be enough. Maybe at the start of the year, she and Luke can now work on the gallery show they had been planning a few months back. It will showcase all her paintings, all her love, all her work. Most of her paintings depicted her enormous emotions and all she went through after the accident. If one could see all her pieces one will understand the story of her life. She phoned the agency for a travel ticket and started packing her materials.