11.
(lohdutan sua, kun sairastut ja pelkäät kuolemaa)
The next day, upon waking up, Josh's mood was still as good as it was in the evening... Well, at the very least, not particularly bad; he had no reasons to be happy, after all. Physically, he felt better, too, and he stopped paying attention to pain; his shoulder would ache only when moving the left arm, and other injuries seemed to be healing fast. After a hearty breakfast, he finally had a good bath - to refresh both his body and soul - coming to the conclusion his face was looking better. He cooked a dinner and cleaned up the flat, a bit; then started to think what he should do next. It was only ten o'clock, and he shouldn't show up in the hospital until one p.m., for the meeting with Dr Sellier... In the end, he decided to visit the dean's office and inquire about the exams... make sure he was allowed take them, in the first place - just in case, for you never knew with the studies. In the hall, he found the paper slid under his door; Pierre had kept his promise and provided him with the information about Mrs Bonnet's place... Yet, Josh didn't feel strong enough to pay the older lady a visit. Maybe tomorrow...
However, in the dean's secretary's office - miraculously, he didn't even need to queue up - he was welcomed by an unpleasant surprise. It appeared that his attendance during some courses wasn't satisfactory and, if he didn't provided the associate dean with a written statement explaining exhaustively the reasons of his absence - and, if it was the illness in question, he should also enclose a doctor's note - he would have to arrange the matter individually with the professors. The woman behind the desk went as far as making the comment that the fact he was getting the stipend shouldn't make him neglect his studies, quite the contrary, and that he should remember he was representing a school with great traditions; saying that, she looked meaningfully at his face. 'What do you know about me?' Josh wanted to ask but gave up; it was no use to quarrel with a clerk. He only asked when was the deadline for submitting the statement and learned that tomorrow. He clenched his teeth and left without saying any more. Now he was really glad for having decided to come here today. Had he not learned about the problem, he wouldn't have been admitted to the exams, for no-one bothered to inform him. Sure, a university student was an adult person and should be knowledgeable about his own matters; still, such a callous attitude unnerved him. Irrationally, he longed to his high school, where the students were being taken care of... Associate dean? Who the hell was that?
Eleven o'clock was coming up, which meant he still had some time. He could as well write this document now, especially that he thought about visiting the library anyway. Paying little attention to furtive looks made by other people, he obtained a notebook and a pen and created a short text in which he explained that his family member (he'd taken liking to that phrase that, in fact, was true) had been gravely ill and he, Joshua Or, had been forced to repeatedly skip such and such classes in order to stay by his side. Did it sound sensible and convincing? In reserve, he added that he was an enthusiast of psychology and approached his studies with passion, so completing the second year and continuing his education without any delay was very important to him. Especially that - which he left unwritten - the third year meant psychopathology entering the curriculum... He put the sheet to his pocket, intending to write it up at home, and made his way to the psychology literature section. Actually, he wasn't sure whether he shouldn't search in medical section; on the other hand, he didn't need a medical knowledge, and besides the books for psychologists were surely written in a more comprehensible way...
The collection was quite depleted - which didn't surprise at the end of the school year - but he managed to find an older copy of Introduction to Psychopathology, standing alone in the bigger gap. He took it and returned to his table, aware he should study something entirely different. The developmental psychology exam was next Tuesday, but he felt pretty much confident about this particular course, and he had enough time to read the notes he'd made during the lectures and seminars, so he could focus on more urgent matter now. He looked through the list of contents and found the chapter that could tell him more about psychosis in general and paranoia in particular. He only managed to get through the introduction and the historical outline, when he realized that getting to the hospital would take an hour, and it was almost noon. He borrowed the book and ran to the station; on the train, he immersed himself in reading again - and he nearly forgot to change.
Arriving at the destination, he knew at least as much that the book was telling the truth because its content agreed with what he'd heard from Dr Sellier the previous day. Besides, it was written in an accessible tongue, which wasn't at all a rule for scientific literature. Or could it be that his being interested in the topic made it possible for him to understand what that all was about...? Walking quickly - he couldn't be late - he wondered whether he should consider the clinical psychology as an eventual option for himself... Undoubtedly, it was extremely interesting - but would he be able to work with mentally ill people, for example in the psychiatric hospital? Well, such reflection was probably too early; first, he had to get acquainted with the discipline... and all others that his studies included. Once he had, he would probably decide on what it was he wanted to do in his professional life... Of course, first he had to graduate, which didn't seem so easy, he thought, remembering the paper he needed to write, its first draft in his pocket.
Dr Sellier was awaiting him - and with good news, on top of that. She asked him to sit down and then said, "Mr Corail's condition has improved, and there was no reason to continue his seclusion. He's currently staying on the ward, with other patients. That is, he's resting in his room. The medication has made him quite drowsy."
"What about his delusions?" Josh asked, finding it the most important matter.
"They probably diminished," the doctor replied. "At least, he stopped shouting the threats and no longer appears to feel insecure, I can tell as much. I didn't manage to talk with him... he doesn't answer my questions, probably due to sedation... so I can't be sure about his mental state," she warned.
Josh wondered whether he should be anxious or not; he didn't know. Well, surely it was a good thing that Alain had calmed down. But if he'd calmed down too much, it couldn't be good. "But that... sedation... is going to wear off, right?" he asked.
The doctor nodded. "Yes. When dealing with severe psychosis, making a person agitated and aggressive, we use high doses in order to tranquillize a patient as soon as possible," she explained. "Some adverse effects can appear... However, sedation can be treated both as adverse and favourable effect."
Josh thought he could understand that. Apparently, in psychiatry many things were relative, too. Then, Alain had calmed down and no longer needed to stay in seclusion, which meant... "Then... can I see him today?" he asked with hope.
"Yes. How do you feel about that?" she said quickly.
"I'm happy, of course," Josh replied right away and then he added, "although I fear that, too," he confessed. "Now that his delusions are gone... Maybe he's going to blame me for his illness," he muttered.
Dr Sellier raised her eyebrows. "Blame you for his illness?" she repeated with astonishment. "What made you think something like that?"
"I should have spend more time with him... back when he was suffering from pneumonia... and when he was recuperating. I focused on my studies too much and... Doctor, we even stopped making love," he said in a quiet voice, lowering his head.
"Hmm, I see, well... I understand your point of view... especially that you realize the influence of the external factors on mental health..." the doctor stated. "However, I'd like you to listen to me: in psychiatry, we don't consider the option of 'making someone ill'. First of all, we still don't recognize all factors contributing to mental disorders; we only know they are numerous, and that the most crucial is a person's individual vulnerability, in the first place. Even in the identical situation, one would develop no symptoms, and the other would fall ill with a psychosis."
"It still doesn't change the fact that I should've taken better care of him," Josh murmured, his eyes fixed on his lap. "If he developed the symptoms, it meant that the situation was bad... that I didn't tend to him in a proper way."
"Now you're clearly getting into unconscionable self-accusation," the doctor said, obviously discontented.
"I know," Josh suppressed a sig, then rubbed his forehead and raised his gaze. "I forgot to call my therapist," now he remembered it.
Dr Sellier looked at him closely; then she slowly said, "I'm not your doctor, so maybe I shouldn't say it... But it seems to me that you're lacking the objectivity now. Talking with the therapist is a good idea," she agreed. "As for your studies... It's only natural that you devoted your time to it. You study at the university, right? Unfortunately, attending university isn't a trifle... You can't neglect it, although sometimes you'd like to just rest and do something else. You really can't blame yourself for applying yourself to your studies; doing so would be completely unreasonable."
Josh understood what she meant. The more frustrated he felt at the thought that all his effort could be in vain... "Well, yes, you're right, Doctor... And now it may be that I don't complete the year at all... I've just visited the secretary and learned that I need to present an explanatory note for my absence during classes. I wrote that I tended to the ill family member, but I have no idea whether it's going to suffice. I worked hard the whole year, and now they create such problems..." He didn't know why he told her that. Maybe he just wanted to vent his anger somehow.
The doctor seemed to think intensely. "Hmm... I might give you a statement that would excuse you in a veiled way..." she offered. "Hmm, like, 'Mr Joshua Or has been involved in the treatment of his family member, A.C., who has been hospitalized in April this year in Saint-Maurice Hospital due to long and grave illness. Mr Or's participation in A.C.'s therapeutic process is absolutely required, as well as advisable, owing to A.C.'s condition. The purpose of this certificate is to justify Mr Or's absence during the classes specified in a separate document. Signed Colette Catherine Sellier, medical specialist, registration number 7273779, Paris, 28th of April, 19XX.' How does it sound to you?"
Josh blinked and looked up at her. It sounded... good... and was veiled, indeed. Apparently, Dr Sellier was well versed in art of telling what could be of greatest benefit. "Would you really write that for me, Doctor?" Josh asked with hope.
"It's not a problem. I can't guarantee it will help, though," she added critically.
"I'm sure it will!" he exclaimed. "It's a very official note; they have to honour it... I don't know how to thank you, Doctor." He ran one hand through his hair.
The doctor leaned over the desk and gave him a sharp look. "You will stop blaming yourself for Mr Corail's illness," she said cunningly, "and, of course, you're going to tell me more about him," she added, grabbing a notebook.
For his part, Josh was more than willing to do so, and thus they quickly became immersed in a conversation, with Alain as its main topic. Josh, as much as he could, answered the doctor's questions about Alain's family and childhood, as well as his school years, with emphasis on his academic progression. He told that Alain had never known his biological father since his mother had got married - re-married? - when he'd been still very young. He told that the stepfather had had a tendency to overuse alcohol and behave violently towards his family members - as well as his own daughter, Alain's stepsister, before she'd ended in the orphanage. He told how Alain had met Grace and had become very attached to her. How she'd tragically died when he'd been only a second-year of high school, and how hard he'd taken it. How he'd started to conduct himself badly: associate with the delinquents, drink alcohol and smoke, and skip his classes. How he'd had to repeat the final year because of non-attendance, even though he'd done pretty well at school if he'd only applied himself to it - which could be seen on his high-school diploma, after he'd started to study again.
Later, he told how the beginning of their relationship had looked like, how difficult he'd found to figure Alain out, for Alain was a master in hiding positive emotions and feelings. ("Maybe he had a trouble understanding them... realizing them, since he'd felt mostly negative ones as a child?" Dr Sellier suggested.) How they'd spent a lot of time together, learning and enjoying each other's company. How Alain had 'settled' after that earlier, hard period and had managed to cope with his past. How he'd discovered his tendency to first act - or simply accept what happened around him - and only later think about that and make conclusions. How he'd showed Josh a genuine concern, even if not other feelings.
He preferred to avoid a long speech on how Alain had left him and disappeared - especially that it was his tale, not Alain's - so he skipped three years and told about their reunion in Idealo, in July, one year ago. How Alain had changed, and how frightening his acting had been - so different from the one Josh had remembered. What Josh had heard about his conduct in the meanwhile - that Alain had seemingly returned to his 'bad' self from the high school. Dr Sellier was very interested in that phase, so Josh had to tell his impression from that period in great details. They reached the conclusion Alain hadn't been psychotic that time, but the doctor mused over it for a longer while, before she let Josh continue, and made a few notes on the margins.
How they had got together with Alain again couldn't be told without mentioning Josh's performance on the church tower, which the doctor didn't comment on in any way, though, and Josh hoped she didn't regard him to be too disturbed. In any case, what mattered was that Alain had taken a turn for better and had become caring and tender again. The doctor nodded, as if everything made a perfect sense to her, and waited for the continuation. That was, in Josh's opinion, the least interesting part - although, at the same time, the most wonderful - for it described their daily life in Paris, once they'd rented a flat, and Alain had found himself a job, and everything had been fine... until now.
"Doctor... But he's going to get better, right?" he asked, needing an assurance; he still wasn't absolutely sure of that... and probably wouldn't be until Alain left the hospital for good.
The doctor gave him a sympathetic look. "More or less... he is. But now I think you'd like to see him," she said, closing the notebook.
Josh glanced at his watch and was terrified: he'd been talking nearly two hours. In the meantime, the sun had moved behind the corner, and the nice shade was filling the room. "I'm sorry... I didn't realize it's this late already... and you could spent me only an hour, Doctor."
She shook her head. "I adjusted my schedule a bit. I wanted that we had enough time, for I expected a longer story," she replied. "And you are a very good teller, paying attention to right details."
"I hope I can be of some help..."
"Not 'some', but 'substantial'," she corrected. "You're providing me with the information that is of really great value. You really do."
He smiled shyly. "Is it going to help Alain?" he asked; that was the most important thing here.
"Without doubt," she replied. "Thanks to that, I'll be able to make a right diagnosis. But we're not finished yet," she warned him, reaching for her diary. "Could you visit me tomorrow? I still have some questions about the recent weeks."
Josh nodded. "What time is right for you?" he asked as she was staring at her schedule for tomorrow and biting at the tip of her pen.
"Hmm... Hmmm... Eleven, if I skip the lunch... No, not happening," she decided ironically. "But I can squeeze you between lunch and my patient at twelve... Half an hour would be enough. Half past eleven? Is that all right?" she offered, looking at him again.
"Will I be able to see Alain after that?" Josh asked, thinking quickly. "I ask because, you know, the visiting time is only from two o'clock...?" he added in an innocent voice.
She closed her diary and gave him a penetrating look from behind her glasses. "You have my permission, but don't put it around," she said, and Josh felt as if they were two conspirators.
"Then, I'm going to be here half past eleven," he confirmed.
"Fine, I'm glad," the doctor got up. "Now, we have to catch the secretary before she leaves home, so that she can type you that certificate."
Josh had already managed to forget about the whole business, so he was happy to be reminded of that. Fortunately, the secretary was still there and right away type-wrote - on the official form of the hospital - the dictated document that the doctor then signed and handed him. "Let's hope it will do," she said with reserve.
"Thank you very much, Doctor," Josh folded it in two and put into "Introduction to Psychopathology", so that it didn't crumple. Saying with some drama, his future on the university depended on that sheet of paper, so he should take good care of it.
"Now, to Mr Corail. I'm going to show you the way," the doctor offered.
"Can I really see him?" Josh asked when they were in the corridor again.
"Let's go together and check the situation," she replied with a smile that gave him some confidence.
The door of the room number eight were just like any other door. The doctor knocked and walked in, and Josh slipped behind her - eagerly yet anxious. The first impression wasn't scary, though: a single room was filled with sunlight... that apparently didn't disturb a person lying on a narrow bed. Josh felt a sudden surge of affection, which couldn't be a bad sign, although he'd rather not contemplate his other emotions yet.
"Mr Corail, a guest for you," the doctor said, shutting the door.
Alain didn't react; it could be he was sleeping. He was lying with his back towards them, without a cover, clad in hospital clothes.
The doctor approached the bed and gently put one hand on his shoulder. "Mr Corail," she repeated, shaking him slightly.
Then, Alain moved, very slowly. He lifted his head from the pillow and looked around; then, as if with difficulty, he rolled to the other side - so that now he was facing the inside of the room. He could barely keep his eyes open.
"He's still under the influence of the medication," the doctor explained, turning to Josh and then again to Alain. "Mr Corail, Joshua is here to see you," she pointed in his direction.
Alain, however, would only give him a brief look - and nothing in his gaze indicated he recognized him - before shutting his eyes again and lying without word. Josh looked at the doctor with hesitation.
"Don't worry, it's going to wear off," she assured him, taking Alain by his wrist to measure his pulse. "On the other hand, his organism needs rest after being forced into state of unnatural agitation for many weeks, so let him rest. It's possible that he'll become more animated by night, but I can't really guarantee that."
Distractedly, Josh nodded. It seemed no conversation with Alain would happen today... He swallowed down the feeling of disappointment and thought that they would have enough time to talk later. The most important thing was that Alain was getting better. And that Josh could see him today. He should be happy about that.
"Is it all right if I stay here?" he asked, never taking his eyes off the motionless figure on the bed.
"I can't see why you wouldn't," the doctor replied. "But... if something happens, inform the staff right away, you know where the nurse station is. Or call for help. Remember, it's not only your safety in question, but of the patients, too," she emphasised. "I'm saying it just in case; I don't think anything is going to happen." Josh nodded automatically. "Then, we're seeing each other tomorrow at half past eleven," she reminded, then shook his hand and left.
When the door closed behind her, Josh had a look around the room. There were few pieces of furniture here: the bed, a small cupboard in the corner, and a simple table with one chair. He moved it nearer to the bed and sat down, staring at Alain, who was lying on the mattress, breathing slowly, with his eyes closed. He didn't seem as if he was in any pain, and it seemed to be a positive thing here. On the other hand... How had the doctor called that? Sedation. Josh really hoped it would go away soon... Alain appeared so... lifeless. Numb. Out of contact. So unlike that last time that Josh had seen him; that time, life was in Alain's every cell, in every motion, in every look and breath. The contrast was so great that Josh thought they were two different people.
But, maybe he really should view the matter from the positive point? he quickly realized. That time, Alain's life had been controlled by fear, making him act in a way that was not normal for him. Sure, Alain had been standing, moving and speaking... so what, if - simultaneously - he hadn't been sane, and his behaviour had hurt himself and everyone around? Now was the time to remedy that... to put an end to it... so that it never happened again. Let Alain sleep... let him sleep that bad dream until the end, so that he waked up healthy... just like before.
Alain's face was haggard; maybe it'd been such earlier, but Josh hadn't noticed. His hair was tangled; he'd probably hadn't combed it for two days, never speaking of shaving. Josh had to ask whether the patients were given any toiletries here... If not, he would bring Alain's own from home. Yes, that was a good idea. As well as some clothes, for those hospital ones wouldn't see good on anyone. And, if Alain had trouble moving around, Josh could help him with his personal hygiene. They said, A sound mind in a sound body; he'd realized it himself, just this morning. Alain would surely feel better when clean and in his own clothes. Maybe as soon as tomorrow? The doctor had said he should quickly recover. Josh had to be optimistic - and now he already knew he could.
When he'd got here, just a moment ago, he'd been filled with various emotions: anticipation, anxiety, uncertainty - what would he find, what would he see, how Alain would treat him, would they talk, would they straighten things... His heart had been beating hard, and he hadn't felt at all confident in regard to this visit. (Well, he didn't believe anyone to feel confident when visiting his lover in a psychiatric facility.) Maybe subconsciously he'd feared that Alain would attack him again, accuse him... Frankly speaking, it was not his physical injuries that hurt him the most, only Alain's being convicted of his betrayal... he just couldn't bear with Alain's hatred... How silly that it still evoked that discomfort, even now that he knew that hatred wasn't real... Yet, had Alain still treated him that way, Josh would have probably fallen to pieces. How much he loved Alain and how strongly he needed Alain's presence in his life was really terrifying. No wonder that meeting Alain again had evoked such mixed feeling.
However, now that he was sitting here, in this room filled with sunlight, when he was again by Alain's side and looking at his sleeping face, now he felt he was calming down. As if he was finally able to believe that the crisis was past them, and that terrible situation was over - or, at least, was improving. As if that great wave that could have swept them away was subsiding, and they'd managed to reach the safe shore... He took a deep breath, wondering distractedly how many crisis they would have yet to face - and banished that thought right away. Such reflection wouldn't help anything; he'd rather learn from those experiences and become stronger in case the new ones were coming. What they'd lived through until now, Alain and he, wasn't anything trivial, was it?
He realized - probably due to his talk with Dr Sellier - that this month meant they'd been together... for one year. It was funny that one year was stretched over four years, actually... Two months in high school - so intense, so unforgettable, like a tale that happened only to few people - and now the last ten months. That time, in Saint Grollo, had anyone told him that they would celebrate their anniversary in an insane asylum, he wouldn't have believed... even less if he'd been told that last year. On the other hand... There were certainly worse places, so he'd rather not think about that.
But... yes, during those twelve months they'd experienced quite a lot. Mad crush - not at all one-sided, if he could believe Alain on that - when one would wake up only to see that other person again, when one would desperately try to figure that person out in order to make him happier and, above all, to gain his trust, not scare him with some rash move. Parting that had resulted from lack of understanding, from imperfection... not of feelings but of people. Hell of solitude that neither of them could cope with. Return that could still happen and hadn't been too late... Finally, the daily life together, so sweet, so full of hope and joy, despite constant adversities. They'd been supporting each other during that year, in sickness and in health, in study and in work. And when they were together, nothing could really be better. Josh thought - selfish as it was - that he probably wouldn't have traded away anything of that one year.
It wasn't that everything had worked well just like that. No, they'd contributed to it equally - with talks, glances, smiles, and night acts of passion. It was happiness they had been creating themselves, even if they weren't perfect - which was proved by the current situation, brought about by difficulties in communication, by inability to balance the private life with professional one; above all, by failure to predict how external factors could influence their life. Maybe Josh should really stop blaming himself for Alain's disease, after all? Maybe he should rather acknowledge that he just couldn't control everything that happened in his - their - life? How had Pierre said it yesterday? 'We're not living in the void; everything affects everything.' Yes, every action caused reaction, and there was hardly ever any possibility to control it; such was life, and he'd better accept that, instead of sinking in unproductive complains and reproaching himself for a slightest mistake. Maybe, what was the most crucial, he should tell himself that, even if something unpredictable happened, something hard and painful, there was always a chance to manage? Just like now. Looking at Alain, who was sleeping soundly in the sunlight, he thought he could believe that.
After some time he reached for Introduction to Psychopathology and became absorbed in reading.
Alain slept the rest of day, although he did wake up to eat the dinner he'd been brought. He still seemed to dwell in some other world, his own world, and didn't make any contact with his surroundings. Using a spoon and a fork made him some trouble, but he somehow managed with the meal and lay down again. Josh stayed by his side until six o'clock, when he decided it was time to go home. Before leaving, he squeezed his arm lightly, although the reaction was quite poor: Alain only opened his eyes and stared at him briefly, then fell asleep again.
On his way home, Josh wondered what he should bring him tomorrow. According to the staff, a toothbrush and toothpaste, as well as shaving amenities, was a good idea. A comb, too, some clothes, and fruits that didn't require to be cut... apples and banana would do. He would buy them tomorrow. Ah, he forgot to call Mr Ageais again, he was really path-
In any case, his memory left much to be desired, but was that anything new, now? Still, he remembered quite vividly what he'd read from the book - mostly about different psychoses... It wasn't a nice read, sometimes it was definitely scary, but he felt obliged to know, even if only theoretically, what ailed Alain. Besides, he would benefit from it on his third year... that was, of course, if he managed to complete this one...
He returned to the university issue although, after the problems in dean's office he was quite reluctant to do so. He had to take Dr Sellier's document there, right in the morning. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to talk to the associate dean, too, whoever he was...? Josh would have a feeling he tended to his matters in person, not via some papers that could get lost and so on. His face should look better tomorrow, so he could show himself to the university authorities.
He slept really well this night, like a man who was no longer worried about his future.
The associate dean appeared to be a decent human being who quietly accepted Josh's explanation, both verbal and written. The man looked through Josh's credit record and decided there was no reason to prevent him from taking the exams.
"The first year could have been better," he said, "but, then again, hardly anyone shines brilliantly on the first year. The most important is that you completed it," he added with surprising frankness. "The third term was much better, and the fourth looks good, too. It's obvious you apply yourself to it. Do you like psychology?" he asked in a friendly manner.
"Yes," Josh replied and, since the dean seemed to wait for more, supplied, "I'm particularly interested in developmental psychology and psychopathology, Sir," Well, that was true; even now he had a 'right' textbook in his bag.
The man nodded with approval. "I've seen how you scored on the developmental psychology tests," he said. "You do well in personality psychology, too. But psychopathology...? It's the third year, isn't it? I suppose you're in the research circle...?"
Josh lowered his head, as if in repentance. "I'm sorry... I didn't really find time, although Professor Fleury did invite me. As you see, Sir, my important person has been gravely ill in last months..." he explained, pointing at the documents, that the dean had put on his desk. "I didn't even manage to attend every classes..." he added in a softer voice.
"Yes, that's an unfortunate thing," the man said with compassion. "Will you be able to concentrate on the exams? If needed, we can make an exception and arrange another date, in September...?" he offered.
Josh mused over. That solution suited him... had suited him not so long ago - but now he wanted to get the second year over with, as soon as possible.
"I think there's no such need," he replied slowly. "The situation is already improving. My... my relative is receiving a proper treatment, and his condition is getting better, so I feel much better, too. I don't have to worry any more. Besides... we have only two examinations, so I should manage." And if he didn't, he would still have a possibility to take a repeat exam; he didn't really care about the marks. "But I'm really grateful for your consideration, Sir," he added, looking at the man timidly.
"In that case, I wish you good luck," the dean got up and stretched his hand; apparently, he wasn't someone to waste time for idle talking.
Josh said goodbye and left. He felt like giving an earful to the secretary hag - to pay her back for yesterday - but decided it wasn't worth his energy. He had to settle with the expression on her face when half an hour ago he'd marched into the office and had demanded to see the associate dean, forcefully putting the folder with important documents on the counter. Now he realized he was really lucky that the dean had received him: that he'd been present and had found time for Josh. And, what was the most important here, that he had succeeded with his task, and even had heard some nice words from, it seemed, a professor. Maybe these studies weren't such a big mistake, after all...?
Eleven o'clock had only passed when he already arrived by Dr Sellier's office. He took out the book and resumed reading about psychoses. He was tempted to look in on Alain, but he didn't want to hang around the ward before the visiting time; it was quite another thing to do so after a meeting with the doctor.
Thus, Dr Sellier found him lost in reading. "Anything interesting?" he heard her cheerful voice.
He raised his eyes upon her before looking at the book again. "Quite much... But I try to stay positive regardless," he replied with irony.
She laughed and asked him inside.
"Your document was of great help, Doctor. Thank you," he said, making his way towards the familiar chair, while she took her place behind the desk. "Although, I'm under the impression the dean didn't even read it."
"Apparently he decided, just like I did, that talking to you was of greater value," he commented. "But I'm glad you managed to have it arranged. In such times, additional problems are what one needs the least."
Josh nodded. "How is Alain doing?" he asked.
"Better and better," she replied, "although he still doesn't feel like talking to me. I tried to reduce his dose today, so that he doesn't sleep the whole day. We'll see if it will have a good effect."
Josh wasn't sure whether he should be happy about that. "What if... his delusions come back?"
The doctor adjusted her glasses and then tucked the strand of her hair behind one ear. "There's always such risk, true, but I think it's worth trying nonetheless. If his symptoms recur, we can always return to the higher dose," she explained.
Well, that sounded reasonably, although Josh thought he'd rather not had the symptoms recur, for it would meant that Alain's recovery prolonged. Wasn't it better, then, to stay by the dose that had helped Alain already...? But in that case, Alain would sleep all the time, which wasn't good either... Well, she was the doctor here, so he should leave it to her; she surely knew what to do.
Instead, he decided to focus on the positives, and Alain's soon and undoubted recovery was definitely one of them. "Doctor... What's going to happen when Alain feels better...?" he asked. "When he no longer has the symptoms… when he's like before. What then?"
"Then, of course, he's going to be discharged from hospital," she answered, putting her elbows on the desk.
"And come home?"
"That, I think, depends on you," she decided somewhat mockingly, making Josh smile.
"It's not what I meant. Alain can always come back to me," he said. "But what about that assault? The neighbour is threatening to go to the police... to report an offence. And make Alain be sentenced."
"Hmm..." the doctor straightened in her chair. "In such cases, the police requests a psychiatric opinion. And in Mr Corail's case, I cannot give any other opinion than that, during the incident, he was of unsound mind and thus cannot be held responsible for his action."
Josh breathed a sigh of relief. He wasn't sure whether Francis would execute his threats indeed, but it was good to know the facts. Then, Alain would come back home... That was wonderful. As for whether they had to move out from rue Keller, Josh'd rather not wonder now.
The doctor only had half an hour for him, so he applied himself to describing Alain's and his last two months: starting from their return from Autrans, through Alain's pneumonia and Easter, until the present. The doctor found it crucial to determine the period of time that Alain had experienced delusions - whether they were talking about the days or, rather, weeks and months. Josh could tell her at least that much that in early March everything had been perfectly normal. Also, they ascertained beyond all doubt that Alain had had no hallucinations; if he'd seemed to listen out for something, it would be the noises from the staircase and the neighbouring flat. They had some trouble classifying the information he had allegedly received from his non-existent relatives: what they'd wanted, what they'd planned to do, their threats and so on - especially that Alain, Josh now realized it, had appeared to reel off ever new 'revelations' as their talk had proceeded; he would throw another comments when he'd seen fit to include them in the conversation. However, nothing in his demeanour indicated that he'd been hearing any voices directly giving him the messages of such content, so it must have been a delusion as well. Josh remarked that there was no unfamiliar numbers in Alain's phone and that the only person that had called Alain during the last few months was his mother, although at this stage that information was no longer of any significance.
When Josh finished, the doctor gave him a contented look, moving the notebook away. "Now I think, Joshua, we finally know where we are with Mr Corail," she said with conviction. "I'm going to have some examinations done yet... head magnetic resonance, at least. And I want him to fill one questionnaire, too... The next time we see each other, I'm going to speak with you about the diagnosis already. But it's going to happen after the weekend. Tomorrow, I'm off, due to a training session. What time can you visit me on Monday?"
Josh shook his head. "What fits you best, Doctor. I am free."
"Then, let's make it twelve o'clock," she marked it in her diary. "We're going to meet in three: Mr Corail, you and I. We'll have a talk about his condition, treatment, diagnosis, and prognosis," she informed.
"That sounds really good," Josh replied, getting up. "Then, see you on Monday! I think Alain will feel much better by then."
"I, too, hope for that," she said with a smile and then started to prepare herself for the next meeting, while Josh made his way to the room number eight.
Nothing really seemed to have changed with Alain, but he no longer lay down, and his gaze was much more lucid, so the smaller dose worked well, all right. And he definitely recognized Josh. Well, actually, that was a substantial change, Josh thought, remembering how it had looked like yesterday.
He hugged Alain but wasn't hugged back. Well, he wasn't pushed away, either, so there was some plus. "How are you feeling?" he asked with a smile but got any answer. "I brought you some things from home," he added, taking out the clothes and other items. "And fruits. So that you recover quickly."
He put the plastic bag on the table and sat down on the bed next to Alain. "I heard you didn't want to speak with Dr Sellier..." he said. "You know, she's trying to help you, so you should have a talk with her, really. And the next week, we're going to have a meeting with her, you and me. I suppose we're going to talk about your discharge already."
Alain was just sitting there and staring at his own lap; he seemed to be at a loss. Impulsively, Josh embraced him and pressed his cheek against his neck. "You don't want to speak with me, either? Alain?" he asked in a low voice.
"I..." Alain whispered. "What am I doing here?"
Josh moved away and looked at him again. Alain's eyes were still fixed on the floor, but he himself appear to be somewhere else.
"You were sick... You don't remember?"
Hesitantly, Alain shook his head. Now, that was something Josh hadn't expected... but maybe he should have. He controlled his surprise and said as calmly as he could, "You've been in hospital for three days now. It's Saint-Maurice Hospital. But you're feeling better already, aren't you?"
Alain didn't react, and Josh thought everything started to make sense. If Alain didn't remember anything, he had all right to feel uncertain. Josh needed to give him some confidence... restore his sense of security in this completely unfamiliar situation that he must have been finding very unpleasant.
"I think we should start with doing yourself up," Josh decided, reaching for a comb. "That way, you're going to feel like a convalescent, not a sick person. Can I brush your hair?" he asked in the most natural voice he managed to utter.
Alain didn't object, so Josh got to work right away. It wasn't really time-consuming since Alain's hair was quite short. After brief encounter with the comb, it was looking somewhat better. He decided that tomorrow he would try and persuade Alain to wash his head.
"Don't you feel like shaving?" he made another suggestion, remembering that Alain used to be quite particular about it.
Alain kept blinking for a moment and then nodded.
"The bathroom is a better place for that, though," Josh decided and got up.
Reaching the place lasted a longer moment; Alain left the room with some reluctance, and he had quite a puzzled look when they emerged in the corridor, but Josh simply guided him to the patients' bathroom. When inside, Alain spent a moment staring at his reflection; then, without a word, he took a shaver from Josh's hands - Josh had already managed to plug it in - and started to groom his face. Josh concluded that moving his hands came off much better than only yesterday, when Alain had had trouble holding his cutlery, to say nothing of actually using them.
"Better now?" Josh asked when Alain was done and drying his face with a paper towel.
"Yes."
On their way back, Alain was looking around with some confusion. It was obvious he had no idea where he was and what he was doing here, to begin with. At least he maintained touch with his surroundings. Besides, Josh decided, most people would be confused having awakened in such a place. The very sight of the patients - strolling over the corridors, occupying armchairs and couches, standing by the windows - prompted to various reflection, to say nothing of emotions. Some seemed to stay in their own worlds, devoid of any sense of reality. Others indulged in animated conversations, clearly not bothered by the lack of interlocutor. Suddenly, the two of them were approached by a middle-aged man wearing a cotton bathrobe, who excitedly started to tell them about something that probably only he understood; soon, a nurse took care of them, leading him politely yet firmly to a sofa. The patient on the balcony was energetically pedalling on the gym bike again, as if his life depended on it.
Yes, it was undoubtedly a strange place - but what else could be expected of a psychiatric hospital? In the same time, Josh didn't have the impression that he should feel insecure here - while people with mental disorders were often considered dangerous... and he could witness himself how a previously sane person might act when driven by delusions. Here, however, everything seemed to be under control; the patients were being given appropriate treatment, and those who couldn't restrain themselves and might pose a threat to others, were being secluded and under constant observation. In this sunny spring day at the end of April, this ward somehow appeared to be the most peaceful and the safest location on Earth.
"What is this place?" Alain asked when they were back in the room, sitting down on the bed; maybe he'd already forgot what he'd been told before, or maybe he just wanted to know more.
"Saint-Maurice Hospital," Josh replied patiently. "It's a... psychiatric ward," he added hesitantly, but there was no point in hiding it.
Alain blinked; however, if he was shocked by that revelation, he didn't show that. "What am I doing here?"
"You were sick," Josh said, tenderly brushing a strand of Alain's hair behind his left ear. "You were sick... and then it worsened. On Monday, the emergency unit came to bring you here for treatment. Do you remember what day is today?"
After a moment, Alain shook his head.
"Today is Thursday," Josh explained calmly. "You were given strong medication, so you may not remember. Besides..." he tried to recollect what was written in the book; there was something like... "The illness might be so severe that you can't remember anything clearly. Now, the most important is that you take your medication and obey Dr Sellier's prescriptions. I'm sure you're going to be discharged soon, but now you have to stay here for a while," he said firmly, realizing it should be the doctor saying these things to Alain, not him. "Although," he moved his face closer to Alain's ear, "I'd like to have you home as soon as possible," he whispered.
"I... can't remember anything," Alain replied, putting one hand on his forehead.
"You were gravely ill," Josh repeated again. "You know that in some illnesses... for example, with the fever... person often can't remember a thing, right? Do you remember how you were sick with pneumonia in March? You had a high fever then."
Alain nodded. "But now... what is it? What was it?" he asked the question that Josh feared the most.
"I think you should... ask Dr Sellier about that," he replied in the most natural way, hoping that Alain wouldn't see it as hiding some information from him. He might, with all that suspicious of his... Josh could only count on medication to blunt that trait a bit. "Next Monday, we're going to meet with her, so we'll be told everything. But I think that your disease started already then, from that pneumonia... and dragged on for almost two months," he added cautiously.
"What disease?"
Josh suppressed a sigh. Well, he should be happy that Alain's ability to think logically was back. "You should ask Dr Sellier about that. You know I'm not a doctor... I'm just a poor student... and I have an exam next week," he decided it was high time to change the subject. He rested his head on Alain's shoulder and slid right arm under his elbow. "I was at the university today, to have one thing fixed in order to be admitted to it. But everything worked fine and-"
"I want to go home."
"You can't yet," Josh answered in a soft voice. "Your treatment is still going on... you can't discontinue it. Remember how that pneumonia dragged on... And you're going to have some examinations yet. You have to take care of yourself.
"I don't want to be here."
"You're not possibly saying that Alain Corail is... scared of being in hospital, are you?" Josh asked innocently, his head still on Alain's shoulder.
"I'm not scared," Alain replied, and Josh decided to remember that answer well.
"Nah, I was stupid to ask that," he corrected. "No-one likes to be in hospital, that's obvious. But you surely realize that discontinuing the treatment isn't a good idea...? I don't want you to stay on sick leave for another two moths. No way."
"I feel fine."
"It's a doctor who decides that," Josh replied, suppressing another sigh and hoping that Alain wouldn't discover that the door of the ward was closed, at least not today. "I'll agree to take you home only when Dr Sellier says it's safe for you to leave hospital," he announced in a firm voice, although he didn't really know whether there was any point in posing such a condition.
However, Alain said nothing, so maybe it made him think, after all. They kept sitting in silence, and the sun was warming their backs. Josh enjoyed this moment of intimacy - such different from what he remembered from home. Now, even such a little contact seemed to him a happiness he'd been devoid of for so long... He couldn't hold back a smile - and optimism. He had no doubt that everything was going to be fine.
A knocking on the door was to be heard, and then a nurse entered, holding a tray with a plastic cup and another one, much smaller. "Mr Corail's medication," she said with smile, then approached and offered the tray to Alain.
Alain looked at a pill and decided, "I don't want it."
"What are you talking about?" Josh reacted before the nurse managed to say anything. "It's normal that you take your medication when in hospital. You've taken them so far... and you're already recovering. It's thanks to them that you're going to return home soon," he added when inspiration struck him. "Home," he repeated, putting one hand on Alain's shoulder to support and encourage him.
Alain kept staring at the white pill; finally, he took it into his fingers and put into his mouth, washing down. He didn't seem particularly pleased, but maybe Josh's argument had appealed to him. The nurse gave Josh a grateful look and left.
"I think it is the right way," Josh muttered, cuddling up to him again.
Then, however, he decided to stop influencing Alain, at least for today. Alain could be mentally ill but not an idiot; at some point, he would surely realize that Josh was trying to persuade him to certain decisions, and it was something to be avoided. Josh didn't want Alain to regard him as a manipulator, never... even if nothing was more true than that.
After a pill, Alain became drowsy quite soon and lay down to get some rest. Josh moved onto the chair and shortly took out the book, with which he was getting more and more friendly. Alain became slightly invigorated for the dinner, but he didn't start any conversation, and Josh didn't bother him with its attempts. He decided his presence here was enough, and, to tell the truth, he didn't feel bad about that. He found the fact that he was able to remain silent by Alain's side one of his virtues.
In the evening, when he was returning home, he came to the conclusion that the first day with recovering Alain boded well for the future - Alain's, his own, and theirs common one. He could smile again and believe that the smile would stay with him for good.
I comfort you when you fall sick and fear death - Zen Café, "Lohdutan sua"