Chapter 10
In My Moments of Doubt
A/N- This one is going to be much shorter than the last, but there will be more updates on the way this weekend, so don't go too far away. =) Oh, and I'll probably be updating "Remember" soon too (I've had most of the next chapter sitting on my computer for a while since I've had little to no time to work on it between my internship and other things). I've also been having some writer's block with it. But it'll be updated, that much I promise.
Annnnnddddd…. Yeah I'm annoyed with the Academy of Art and Science for not choosing How to Train Your Dragon as the winner of Best Animated Feature film. Don't get me wrong, I loved TS3, but this time I think Dreamworks deserved the Oscar, not Pixar. But that's just me.
A small note about the title of this chapter: I'm currently working on a poem under the same title, but I'm not sure if I'll post it since I'm picky about my original work. It might appear on my DA at some point though. I haven't decided. Initially the themes of the poem will be explored in this chapter, but for the most part they're stand alone pieces.
Thanks for reading!
As always this has been,
-Don "QuixoticQuest" ^_^
There was a lullaby that Tahiri used to drop off to sleep to as a child. It was one that her father sang to her whenever she couldn't sleep and for some reason it was something he sang in the Sand People's tongue. When the tribe killed her parents, Tahiri had more sleepless nights.
Often she would wake up and begin sobbing uncontrollably before getting up and trying to look for her parents. It took her years before she really came to grips with what had happened. It still seemed surreal even now that she had hardly any recollection of what her parents looked like, let alone sounded like. But the one thing she did remember was the song her father sang.
For some reason Sliven seemed to have picked up the song as well or maybe he'd just known it. Either way, he took up singing it to her on those nights, when the other tribe members weren't around. He was supposedly weaker for doing that, but in the end it helped Tahiri to get over her nightmares long enough to focus on growing up.
On these nights when Anakin was gone, she would hum the tune to herself until she drifted off. She couldn't expect anyone to be able to sing it in the Sand People's tongue, except maybe for Kirk, whose parents were said to have come from Tatooine, and it seemed odd to ask him to do sing, let alone sing her to sleep. She really wished Anakin was just here. His presence calmed her when nothing else could.
There were times when she'd catch Anakin humming a few lullabies to Kam from Coruscant. Others were ones she had to guess were from Alderaan because she didn't recognize them from any of the historical databases she went through on current planets.
Moreover, she'd felt him cut off their bond. She knew it was because of whatever the Fallen Knights were doing that they had to sever all ties, but it caused her discomfort knowing that her last words to Anakin were an attempt to make their separation easier on him, but it didn't make it easier. The more she thought about it, the more she realized she should have said the obvious thing to him. She mentally kicked herself for not doing that.
It made her doubt if her love really would be enough to save Anakin if he fell too far to the dark side or was consumed by his force fire. What difference would emotions make if the only ones he could focus on were anger, fear and hatred of the Galactic Alliance. She knew if he ever came face to face with Xillanor in a duel, one of them would die. It wasn't clear who would, but one of them wouldn't make it out alive. This alone was proof that she needed to be the strong voice of reason at Anakin's side and to remind him that he had a heart within him.
That heart was all that stood between Anakin Skywalker and the dark side and it failed and it was the only thing that stood between Anakin Solo and the dark side. Yet Anakin was going willingly into it, whereas Anakin Skywalker had to be tricked. Maybe that was an advantage? Or maybe it was pure folly that Tahiri even believed that to be a possibility.
She rolled onto her side and stared at the empty space on the bed. If this was how Tenel Ka woke up each morning, Tahiri wasn't sure how in the Galaxy the Hapan Queen did it. She was always stronger than those around her and Tahiri had always admired Tenel Ka for that. But sometimes the strength was what made it excruciatingly painful to see the moments of weakness and doubt that crossed through the older girl's features every so often.
Tahiri had been expecting Master K'tar to offer some sound advice and he had. But he also didn't understand enough about Anakin to give solid advice.
"If it is a darker path he wants to choose, then you must let him," The bothan said simply, "It may seem like the wrong thing, but often the more we do to avoid a path set for us, the more it becomes us."
"So I should just let him lose who he is?" Tahiri asked incredulously. Master K'tar held up a paw and shook his head.
"No, that is not what I meant," He paused, "If you really don't want to see him fall, then make sure that in the moment of truth, you are the one who really gives him a reality check." The bothan smiled then and Tahiri felt slightly better that she had someone's opinion the matter. But it wasn't enough.
She slipped out of bed and walked across the carpet to the glass doors to the balcony. She opened them and stepped out, hopping slightly when her feet touched the cold stone surface of the balcony. She leaned on the railing and she lost herself in the nice breeze. It was amazing how just a little fresh air could clear her mind. Maybe it was those years living in the desert that left her with an affinity for the outdoors that no one else seemed to understand.
Even Anakin was a city child at heart. He wasn't born to be a desert native, though she'd never really thought to ask him if he wanted to live on Tatooine. He probably thought in all his big heartedness that she never wanted to go back there because of Sliven's death.
Which, was true to a certain extent, she truthfully didn't want to go back and acknowledge something that she hadn't really thought about in the last five years. But it was time. The force had more or less begun for her on Tatooine. She may not have met Anakin Tatooine, but that's where Tionne and Luke Skywalker had found her.
She still wondered why she had force potential and why her parents had it. Unlike Anakin, she still didn't know anything about her heritage. It was more complicated than she'd originally thought to say the least. In the beginning it appeared that her parents had force potential and that she was destined to have it as well. But force potential didn't come to everyone. You couldn't just decide to be a force sensitive person. It didn't work that way. The force came to certain people through bloodlines.
So who were the Veilas exactly? Tionne had certainly done her part in trying to dig up some information on Tahiri's parents and their backgrounds yet nothing turned up. Not one ounce of information could be found to tell them who the Veilas were, where they came from, and why they were force sensitive, and powerfully so.
It made little sense. Why when the Veila family was so strong, were all the documents and files surrounding them seem to not exist? She knew from Jesse that a lot of the data on the Veilas had been destroyed or kept hidden by the Emperor for his protection and to cover up the murder of so many Veila family members. But where were the lost files and who had them? Tionne had surmised that it was possible that nothing actually existed to document the Veila family. Many of them had disappeared during the Emperor's purge and seemed to want to stay that way.
So who were they? Tahiri sighed. Anakin was the best at searching for information about heritage, possibly because there were many files and people to be found who knew about it. But no one seemed to know about the Veilas save for the family members themselves. But even they didn't know.
It was easier to just say she was a Sand Person. Everyone at least knew something about the Sand People. Nobody, on the other hand, knew, nor cared about the Veila family. Only Anakin seemed to care even an ounce where she came from and why. But he was also at a loss as to where to find information. He'd used all his resources too. In the five years he'd spent some of his extra time traveling in secret to talk to historians and Jedi archivists, or if it was too dangerous, one of the other Jedi went to investigate. Each one came back empty handed. Some of the historians seemed confused. They were, as Tionne put it, "too current on their events" to the point where they knew little to nothing about their pasts.
Anakin had reluctantly thrown in the towel on the matter, but Tahiri, despite that she'd told him not to worry about it, still wondered if there was something they were missing, something incredibly simple and obvious that would answer all her questions once and for all.
"You were not satisfied with Master K'tar's answer, were you?" Tahiri whirled around, only now sensing the presence behind her. She let out a sigh of relief.
"No, I wasn't," Tahiri answered, deciding it was better that she not lie to her friend. Tenel Ka gracefully and soundlessly crossed over to join Tahiri at the railing. "How did you know I was out here?"
Tenel Ka smiled as she looked out at the garden below, "Jacen used to come out here when he had something on his mind. I sense that you and Jacen are alike in your positive outlooks on life and that you are able to hide that behind smiles and laughter," She turned to look at Tahiri, "But it truly shows when you are troubled." After a moment of silence she continued, "Tell me what is wrong, Friend Tahiri."
"I wish I could boil it down to one thing," Tahiri said with a sigh, pressing her forehead against the cold surface of the railing.
"Then just start with the simplest thing," Tenel Ka offered. Tahiri found a small amount of relief fill her. Maybe should she should have just confided in the older girl before.
"I guess I'm just worried about Anakin," Tahiri said, turning her head away.
"Because of what happened to Jacen?" Tahiri's head snapped up to stare at Tenel Ka. "It is a natural thing. While Anakin and Jacen are two completely different people, they are both extremely, and foolishly, noble."
Tahiri nodded, "They are. I guess it's silly of me to worry about Anakin, but I do."
"It is not silly if you truly care about him," Tenel Ka said, "Anakin would readily give his life in the same way Jacen did, because he truly cares about his family and friends. There is no greater honor than dying to protect something you care about," She sighed, "Yet it is a price that no one can undo once given."
Tahiri paused for a second, finally seeing Tenel Ka for the first time. The older girl was so strong and proud that Tahiri never got to see how tired she really looked. Or how lost her expression was when she talked about Jacen, which in itself was rare.
"If you are worried about Anakin repeating that mistake," Tenel Ka continued, "Tell him how you feel. He would not give up his life so easily if he thought he was hurting you in doing so."
Tahiri thought about it and the memory of that vivid nightmare came back. Anakin was about to kiss her, but she told him to go, to promise that he'd kiss her when he came back. But he didn't. Anakin had died in that version of her life. He'd gone and sacrificed himself, leaving Tahiri broken and alone. Jacen disappeared and Jaina went over the deep end. Was that the world she would be faced with if Anakin died?
No. She had Kam, and her newest child. She had Tionne, the Skywalker family, the Solo family and the rest of the Jedi. She wasn't alone. But at the same time, she wasn't happy with Anakin leaving her. That she certainly wasn't okay with.
Did telling him really matter though? The nightmare had him promising her to return, when it was clear that she wanted to continue whatever they had to wherever it would lead. But he'd died. If he was so willing to die, did he care that much about her feelings?
"Tahiri," Tenel Ka said, placing a hand on the younger woman's shoulder. "I did not mean to, but I overheard some of your thoughts just now." Tahiri turned abruptly, fear lighting her features. "Anakin loves you. I am sure you know this already. He would do anything to protect you because it is the only way he knows how to care about others. He runs around fighting battles to make the galaxy a better place for you and everyone else to live in. That is the kind of person he is." She stared at Tahiri, "But you are different. You show you care by being there for those you care about. If he does not understand, then make him understand that," She smiled, "We may be Jedi, but we do not know everything about those we love. Perhaps that is something I took for granted myself in knowing Jacen. I thought because I knew him, he would not come to harm. It is far better to be wrong than to lose everything because you want to be right."
Tahiri let all the words wash over her and then nodded slowly. "I guess I thought the same thing. If I knew enough about Anakin, he wouldn't be able to do anything dangerously unexpected." She let out a shaky laugh. "I'd much better be wrong than have him die because I was right."
Tenel Ka nodded, "Was there something else on your mind?" Tahiri paused again, thinking about whether or not she wanted to bring Tenel Ka into her wild search for information on her family.
"Tenel Ka, if there was something no one seemed to know about and it seemed like the answers weren't out there, no matter how hard you looked and how badly you wanted to find them, what would you do?" Tenel Ka fell silent at that question, her eyes narrowing in thought. Tahiri fixated her attention instead on the garden where two Hapan soldiers were patrolling around the hedges and square arrangements of flowers.
"I would give up."
Tahiri's head snapped around in surprise and for a minute she couldn't speak. "Give up?"
"Yes. When it is clear that the battle cannot be won, it is best to give up," Tenel Ka answered. Tahiri's face fell. She was having a hard time concealing her disappointment in the older girl's response. It seemed as though Tenel Ka was the last person who'd say something like that, especially so readily. "And when the time is right for you to know, you will," Tenel Ka said firmly. Tahiri's eyes narrowed and then widened. Well, it was a very Jedi-esc answer. But Tenel Ka was not exactly known for giving those kinds of answers.
"You can't actually believe that," Tahiri said exasperatedly.
"I do," Tenel Ka said with a frown. "It has taken me a long time to learn what patience truly means."
Tahiri folded her arms across her chest, feeling slightly annoyed that she was getting a lesson at four in the morning from someone who wasn't even a full Jedi master, let alone a teacher of any kind. "Tell me then, what does it mean?"
"That there is a time for obtaining answers and there is a time for waiting until you can go looking for them," Tenel Ka answered. "Right now is your time to wait. When it is truly time to go looking again, you shall know."
Tahiri opened her mouth and then slowly shut it and nodded in submission. What could she do at this point anyways? She'd asked for an honest opinion and gotten it tenfold. She really missed Anakin's way of finding things out. He was the type to hound answers until they simply showed up. There was nothing that could stop him.
Yet he wasn't here. Anakin had always been with Tahiri, but now he wasn't. Was it time for her to go looking on her own? She sighed and turned. "Thanks, Tenel Ka. I think I know what I need to do." She smiled and turned to go back inside. Tenel Ka followed and walked to the door, but paused.
"Do not mistake need with want, Tahiri," She said, eyes narrowed, "They are similar, but one will mislead you." With that, the young Queen was gone. Tahiri stared at the empty space for a moment before turning to walk into her bedroom.
She climbed into bed and began softly singing the words to the lullaby her father sang when she was younger.
"The dunes will not cry.
They have no water to shed tears.
Keep your heart dry, for there will be nothing to fear.
The wind will softly carry, the calls of the beasts, they will not hurt you.
As long as you keep your bravery near.
You are precious to the dunes, Little Rock, they will keep you safe.
Sleep and the suns will watch over you.
Sleep and the suns will watch over you.
Krayt dragons wail at night, waiting for the dawn.
But if you are quick, they will soon be gone.
You are precious to the dunes, Little Rock, they will keep you safe.
Sleep and the suns will watch over you.
Sleep and the suns will watch over you." *
Tahiri wasn't tired, in fact the song had reminded her of something. Her father had called her "Little Rock" when she was little and it had always escaped her why that was. Tryst Veila was a strange man. He did and said things that didn't always make sense. Yet he did feel things through the force that few others could.
She was once again back at the question about her heritage. Who was Tryst Veila exactly? And who was Casa Veila? Tahiri suddenly felt tired. It was too much to think about. At that point she rolled over and was soon fast asleep.
If Tenel Ka was right, maybe the answers would turn up. Though Tahiri hoped it was sooner rather than later.
Ann found herself sitting in the dining room across from the dark haired girl and for the first time since arriving, felt like she was getting answers.
Despite that they were sitting on hard benches and that the walls of the dining room were lined with stormtroopers armed with blaster rifles and a black robed figure with a lightsaber hanging from his or her belt. Whether these robed people were students or masters, Ann wasn't sure. They gave no indication whatsoever of their level of power nor if they could be much for conversation. She was sure at least that they weren't there to enjoy the view. They were there to impress upon the students that there was no chance of escape and that they were to keep to the code spoken by the man at the opening ceremony.
"He's a Sith Lord?" Ann repeated. The other girl nodded.
"It's not a well known fact, but it doesn't take much to notice that he's treated differently from the rest of us," She cast a glance backwards at the guards. "For example, they know that it's pointless to try to scare him with blaster rifles and stun guns."
Ann followed the other girl's gaze and sure enough there weren't any guards near the boy's table. In fact he sat there by himself, calm and serene, but not a single stormtrooper nor black robed sith was anywhere near him. Occasionally one would cast a glance over, but then quickly look away. He certainly had a presence in the hall, the only one that those in charge seemed to be afraid of.
"Well, maybe he's just powerful," Ann suggested, taking a bite of the food in front of her. The other girl shook her head emphatically.
"No way," She waved her hand, "He's definitely a Lord or he's in training to be one." She lowered her voice to a whisper, "I saw him with a lightsaber and he was leaving a training room with him." Ann blinked and frowned.
"Him?" She had to raise her brow at that. What was up with this other girl? She certainly seemed enamored with the idea that this boy was some kind of protégée.
"The guy who spoke at the ceremony," The girl said. "He's the head of the Shadow Academy and a Sith Lord." Ann now began to take interest.
"Who is he?" Ann asked. The other girl shrugged.
"No clue. I only know that he's pretty much the only one with any influence in this place and no one questions him," She smiled wryly, "Except for Rain."
Ann had to marvel at the idea. "Is that actually his name?"
"It's what everyone calls him. When you come here, your name doesn't matter until they give you one."
"Meaning he's someone because they already gave him a name?" The other girl inclined her head.
"Bingo," The other girl assented. Ann looked over at Rain again. This time she was able to examine him more closely. He had those alarmingly vibrant green eyes, a mellow expression and was the only one with bright red hair with an undertone of sandy brown. She also noted that he had a few freckles on his cheeks that made him seem less intimidating than he was in the training room. This boy was a Sith Lord? Yeah, that definitely didn't seem true.
He was eight years old. She on the other hand was an abnormally sharp five year old. She hardly let on the things she noticed. Mostly because it threw people to know that she could feel and see things that even full grown adults couldn't. Yet this older girl, who was the same age as Billy, wasn't in the least bit surprised at Ann's abilities.
She looked over at the boy again. Lord Rain. The name had an oddly ironic sound to it. She wondered if that was deliberate on the part of whoever dubbed the boy with the name. Ann was so absorbed in her thoughts that when she looked up Rain was walking in her direction. She averted her eyes. Maybe if she looked away he wouldn't come over to her.
"Do you need something?" She peered up into his eyes, which were now cold and unreadable.
"Why?" She asked.
"You were looking at me. Even a fool would notice," He answered. The other girl quickly stood and moved to another table as he sat down across from Ann. "You are afraid."
"This isn't exactly home to me, you know," She snapped. He blinked and then smiled serenely.
"It is a place for training, you shall come to understand that training does not mean you have to feel at home," Rain said, folding his arms across his chest. "Your feelings reveal too much."
"Why the kriff do you care?" Ann demanded. He paused for a moment, considering the question.
"No reason," He answered flatly, "You are a strong force user and seeing your power go to waste would be a tragedy."
"To whom, me or your Shadow Academy?" She shot back. He regarded her for a moment.
"Do you resent me for being someone you don't know?" Rain asked. "Because that is a foolish thing to hate someone for. If you must hate, do so with everything that you are. It will serve you better."
"I hate that you don't care what this place really is," Ann spat. "That no matter how horrible things get, you'll just keep on spouting your nonsense."
Rain shut his eyes, sighing, "The force is many things. But it is not nonsense. I do not fight because I actually agree with the things they have taught me here. You would do well to at least pretend you agree so you won't end up like your friend."
Ann turned around abruptly to see two stormtroopers grab the dark haired girl from before by her arms and dragged her from the table. Two more troopers fell in behind her along with one of the robed figures. The doors whizzed open to let them out and then clanged shut, leaving a hollow silence.
"You did that," Ann said, turning around to glare at Rain.
"The force has a powerful influence over the weak minded," He said with a complacent smile. She scowled at him and stood up, causing a few of the troopers to look up sharply, hands going to the triggers of their blasters. Her eyes narrowed and the bench under him shook and then upended, throwing him to the floor. The troopers snapped into action and were at her side in seconds, attempting to grab her arms, but the girl leapt back, propelled by a sudden adrenaline.
She then focused on them and two of the three troopers' blasters flew against the wall and clattered down to the floor. The doors whizzed open and more troopers and sith poured in, turned and made their way over to her. But before they could apprehend her, Rain stepped in between and waved his hand. Immediately they stopped.
"It's alright, she is under my watch now," Rain said. The troopers exchanged glances and then retreated to the walls. The sith stared at Rain, their eyes filled with doubt and anger that he was using his influence to stop them. Ann's ragged breathing was now the only sound in the entire dining room. She turned her head to look at Rain, who grabbed her arm and dragged her out into the hall where there weren't any guards.
"What were you thinking?" She almost jumped at the sudden change in his voice. Before his voice had a cold, almost cruelly pleasant tone, but now his tone was softer, gentle and had a hint of fear in it. Fear that she almost had the gall to think might be for her save for the fact that she didn't believe it one bit.
"What do you mean?" Ann demanded. "You had that girl taken away just for the fun of it."
He frowned and sighed in exasperation, "She's a Sith apprentice. She was testing your loyalty to the Shadow Academy. If you'd kept talking you'd have kept going, you'd have been the one dragged out of there."
Ann opened her mouth and then shut it, scrutinizing him. She couldn't figure out where his mind sat on this. Whose side was he on?
"So all that back there was you stopping them from doing their job?" Ann ventured. He nodded with a glare in her direction.
"Yeah and I'm going to get flack for it from my master," He ran his hand through his hair and for the first time Ann saw uncertainty in his eyes. So he wasn't nearly as confident and cold as he acted. But why reveal all this to her of all people? "So will you stop talking like that?"
She frowned but nodded, "Fine, but tell me why bother to step in at all? I'm just another student."
He let his shoulders sag down a little and he rubbed his forehead, "I just felt it was right." She looked at him. There was clearly more to this Rain than he or anyone else let on.
"So did they kidnap you from your parents too?" Ann asked, deciding now was the best time to risk asking it. He shook his head.
"No, I've been here since I was a baby. They said my parents were sith who died and left me to fulfill the will of the Galactic Alliance."
Ann raised an eyebrow. "And you believe them?"
He nodded, "I do. They've been nothing but kind to me since I got here and given me enough to be happy. I'll make sure they do you the same courtesy."
"Why?" Ann demanded.
"Because you, like me, need the chance to prove yourself," He said with a smile, this time a genuine one. "Soon they'll see you in the right light." He gestured to the door. She met his eyes and finally nodded. She'd give him a chance. After all, didn't everyone deserve one?
The robed figure retreated from where he stood watching the two children talking outside the doors to the dining room. He walked into one of the offices. "I still don't like it, Master."
"Leave it, they have no power here," The master said. "It was not your place to intervene with the wishes of a potential lord."
"He is a child, Master Genlong," The other said. The master lowered the papers he was looking over to peer at the other.
"Be cautious with your words, Apprentice Rostov, or you shall meet the same fate as your sister," Genlong replied. The student stiffened and then bowed his head. "
"As you will, Master," He then turned and exited the office. His eyes were filled with fury, but he turned before Genlong could look up again. By the time the master did, the other was out the door.
Arthur Rostov wasn't as young as some of the other apprentices. In fact he was almost thirty. His neatly cropped silver hair was as unusual as his deep lilac colored eyes. His family had been part of an experiment that the Galactic Alliance was conducting on force sensitive people to increase their sensitivity. He and his sister had been accepted into the Shadow Academy because of this. But they weren't favored. The younger students were the primary focuses at the school and this angered him.
There was also the fact that he was aging far more quickly than they were because of the side-effects of the experiments. He was simply a lab-rat that may get tossed out. This was the last straw. When his sister had been taken, he could only stand by and watch. Any actions he made would be recorded and he'd be the next one to be executed.
His fists curled and uncurled themselves. If it was the last thing he did, he'd kill Rain for his audacity. Maybe then everyone would respect the name Arthur Rostov. A smile crossed his features and he fingered his lightsaber. Yes, soon the time would come.
*The song that I had in mind when I wrote the bit about the lullaby was "Lullaby" by Trout Fishing in America. The lyrics are below (and it's a wonderful song to listen to if you ever just want to relax) and I've fallen asleep to it many times myself. =)
Also, I wrote the lyrics to the song used in the fic (please ask me if you wish to use them or reference them in any way). DO NOT use them without permission.
Lyrics:
Close your eyes, and I'll sing you a song,
Lullaby, sleep til morning comes.
The cricket's serenade echoes softly through the night.
The stars are on the lake, and the moon is shining bright.
Don't worry, I'll leave the light on in the hall,
Just go to sleep now, close your eyes.
Close your eyes, listen to my song,
Lullaby, sleep until the dawn.
The birds are in their nest, and the cows are in the barn,
The covers on your bed will keep you safe and warm.
Don't worry, I'll be beside you should you call,
Just go to sleep now, close your eyes.
Dragons in the sky,
Flying with their golden treasure,
If you catch their eye,
Wishes granted, more than you can measure.
I'll be beside you should you fall,
Just go to sleep now, close your eyes.
The cricket's serenade echoes softly through the night.
The stars are on the lake, and the moon is shining bright.
Don't worry, I'll leave the light on in the hall.
Just go to sleep now, close your eyes.
Just go to sleep now, close your eyes.