She hasn't had a hangover this bad since college.
Rachel didn't even get that bad of hangovers in college – mainly because she didn't go out and drink with everyone that wanted her to. Rachel's college existence was one highlighted with staying up at all hours of the night studying, going out late at night to go study, and avoiding parties at all costs just to study.
It wasn't like it was difficult for her to do, anyway. Rachel wasn't invited to many parties in college.
She sits up in her bed and feels the room start to spin around her, her head feeling like it's about to split in two. She can't remember the night before for the life of her, and it scares her. Rachel's not the type to go out at night and not be able to remember how she's gotten back into her bed. She's always thought that she'd never be the one to be so hung over that she couldn't remember anything. She saves that for Kurt, or the girls in high school that she hated growing up.
This is an entirely new situation for her.
It doesn't take Rachel long to realize that she's still in her dress from the night before, her hair sticking to the sides of her face and back.
Whatever she's done must have been one for the history books.
Rachel manages to slip out of her bed and treads to her dresser, carefully untwisting the hair wrapped around her earrings she had been wearing last night before taking them out. She sets them on her dresser and sighs, feeling like her head is about to explode. She's never known hangovers to be this bad – well, based off of all of the stories people have told her about hangovers before.
She tries her best to backtrack and think about what must have happened the night before, unable to come up any solution that seems to make sense in her mind. She's not one to be spontaneous and wild and do things on a whim. She's straight-laced Rachel Berry, who lives alone with her cat and not much a life to speak for.
She looks down at her dress and starts to think about the night before. Wine and dinner and singing loudly in the car and Finn.
Shit. She had gone out with Finn last night, hadn't she?
Rachel opens up a dresser drawer and pulls out an old shirt and a pair of shorts before deciding to walk out and greet Finn for the morning. She's not about to let him see her like this. She probably looks like a five-cent whore who's just woken up from whatever one night stand she's just gotten over with. No matter where she stands with Finn, she's not going to let him see her like this.
Maybe he already knows, though. If she were really that drunk the night before, maybe she's acted on certain feelings that she has for him that she doesn't want him to know about. Rachel's been told already by Kurt that when she gets drunk, she turns into someone else entirely.
It's no secret by now that Rachel's grown to like Finn. She's tried her best to put aside all of things that had happened between them in high school and she now feels some kind of emotion towards him that she can't describe – mainly because she's never felt it quite at this level of admiration before. She's started to like the little things about him that make him tick – the constellation of freckles scattered over the bridge of his nose, the way he laughs at her when she makes a stupid joke that she doesn't even think is funny, how he tells her that she looks nice when she pulls her hair back in a ponytail. Tiny, little unimportant things that she knows mean absolutely nothing to him but slowly amount to mean the world to her.
She has to promise herself, however, that no matter what the circumstance, she will not fall for Finn Hudson.
It's one more thing for her to worry about and one more thing for her to dedicate her emotions to. Rachel lives an ordinary life that she had always promised herself she would never live, but it's just the way her cards have been dealt to her. She doesn't need to bring her life to a brand new level of complication just because she has a small crush on Finn.
Besides, he was more responsible for helping make her life complete hell when they were in high school. He doesn't deserve her heart in the first place.
By the time Rachel finishes getting dressed and tosses her dress she had worn the night before in her laundry hamper, she sneakily makes her way across the narrow hallway of her apartment to her bathroom, looking at her reflection in the mirror. She runs her fingers through her hair and does a quick job of wiping the leftover makeup from underneath her eyes off of her face, trying to muster up a smile as she stares at herself once more.
Her smile, however, is interrupted by the clatter of a pan hitting her kitchen floor, causing Rachel to jump frantically.
At first she thinks that it's Berkley; running around her kitchen and jumping from one side of the countertop to another. He's been known to knock things off before, but the sound of the pan hitting the floor is loud enough for her to want to tear her hair out.
Right, she thinks to herself through her migraine. Everything loud is always louder when you have a hangover. Brilliant, Rachel. You get a hangover and you have a cat that knocks almost everything you own to the floor.
Rachel shuts her eyes and pads down the hallway into kitchen, expecting to find Berkley waiting there in front of her on the floor, his tail waving back and forth behind him with what looks like a satisfied grin on his face (he's a cat).
Much to her dismay, she finds Finn instead.
"Sorry about that," he says, smiling at her cheekily. He scrambles down to the floor to pick up the pan he's dropped on the floor. Rachel tries to smile but clutches her head instead, feeling the immediate need to sit down the moment she watches him run in front of her.
"Oh, shit," he exclaims, a shocked expression covering his face. Rachel pushes her hair from her eyes and Finn walks over to the refrigerator, ignoring whatever he's cooking on the stove at the moment. Rachel watches him as he opens the door and looks like he's pulling a glass out from the side door.
He starts to stir it with a spoon from her utensil drawer and the clinking sound it makes as it taps against the side of the glass makes her feel like the world is going to implode. `
"This is for you," Finn tells her, handing her the glass. Rachel manages to intercept it despite her feeling of the room spinning. "I figured you were going to wake up with a hangover today, so, um, I made this for you." Rachel looks down at the short glass that he hands to her, the smell overwhelming her and making her feel nauseous.
"What is it?"
"I went through your cabinet and found some gin. I hope you don't mind." Rachel shakes her head and pinches her eyes shut, feeling the room spin around her. "It's a hangover remedy. Just don't ask what's in it."
She opens her eyes again to look at him, knowing that she probably looks like a mess in his eyes. Her eyes flick down to the glass that Finn's handed her, staring into the pale orange mixture. She pinches her nose and lifts the glass up to her lips, downing it quickly followed by a cough.
"That's horrible," she tells him, the taste still lingering on her tongue. Finn looks at her and laughs before returning to his post at her stove, smoke coming off of whatever's cooking in the pan he's using. "What the hell was in that?"
"If I told you, you would kill me," he says, stirring at whatever is he's cooking. Rachel shakes her head slightly and makes her way over to him at the stove, staring down into the pan of food he's got going. It looks like eggs and peppers and onions and much to her surprise, it actually looks good.
"You're cooking," she says, like it's something huge that needs to be acknowledged. "You never cook. At least you never cook well, anyway."
Finn laughs at her comment and she laughs back. He's the only one who's managed to get any kind of real smile out of her since she's woken up.
"Yeah, well I figured that I would try today," he tells her, Rachel beginning to lean against the stove. "I mean, you probably won't want to eat it just because of your hangover and everything, but I figured that I would try my hand at… something."
Rachel smiles and looks at him, her headache still persisting and not bothering to subside.
"Well, you're doing a good job," she tells him. "If I didn't feel like I was going to… vomitall over the place, I would have some."
The two laugh and Rachel feels Finn's eyes trained on her as she looks up at him, her smile unable to leave her face. She doesn't know why he makes her feel this way, but he does. For the first time, Rachel's unable to find the right words to say to him and she's stuck blushing and giggling when he sees her.
She's never felt this way about anyone else in her entire life –and that fact that the feelings are for Finn is what scares her.
"Shit, Rachel, you… you really look sick," he tells her, even though she's smiling and looks like she's having the best time one could possibly have while hung over talking to him. She continues to look at him and nods slightly, setting the glass he had given her moments earlier on the counter behind her.
"Why don't you sit down on the couch or something," he tells her, beginning to escort her out of the kitchen and into the living room. "Go to sleep and I'll bring you some water when you wake up."
Rachel traipses into the living room and rubs her eyes, finding herself on the futon that Finn's pulled out for himself and turned into a bed. The smell of his cologne and shampoo that she would normally enjoy envelopes her and the overwhelming blast of Axe body spray makes her feel like she's about to be sick – all because of her hangover, of course.
"There," Finn says, pulling the comforter up around her and tucking her in – to the best of his ability, anyway. Rachel's sure that he doesn't have much experience with tucking people into beds or anything. "Hopefully you'll wake up and feel better."
She turns her head and looks at Finn through heavy-lidded eyes as he walks back into the kitchen.
"You're a good man, Finn Hudson," she says, her voice scratching against her throat.
He looks back at her on his way into the kitchen and she smiles, shutting her eyes and drifting off to sleep.
Despite her hangover, she still has the same feelings for him. She just doesn't know how to tell him – or whether or not to tell him.
:.:.:
She's woken up by her phone buzzing on the table behind the couch. Her hangover's subsided somewhat, but she still has her headache; not bothering to leave and overstaying its welcome by now. It's in her purse from the night before, which she deftly unzips and fishes her phone out of.
24 messages and 16 missed calls from Kurt. Of course.
It starts to come back to her slowly; the trip to the ice cream parlor and Finn taking her out and buying her a bowl of ice cream. She can remember running into Kurt and saying something that surprised him to some capacity, which is what she can only assume that all of the phone calls and text messages are about.
She can't find Finn anywhere, so she thinks that he's left for the day or something. If she remembers correctly, he had said something about a doctor's appointment or something today (which she thinks is kind of odd for a Sunday), but it's fine. Finn's allowed to take her car out if it's for doctor's visits or whatever. Rachel's grown not to mind as much anymore.
She presses a button and dials Kurt's phone, turning the volume down as she presses her phone to her ear.
"Rachel, I've been trying to get a hold of you all day-"
"I have a hangover, Kurt," she tells him, her words biting despite her head making her feel like the room is spinning. "I've been asleep all day long."
"Not with Finn, I hope-"
"What?" She's confused and doesn't understand what he's talking about. "Kurt, Finn and I… we aren't anything-"
"Rachel, I ran into you at Baskin-Robbins the other night with him. You two looked like you were more than friendly with each other."
Her mouth hangs open slightly and she sits up on her couch, upset. "Kurt, Finn and I have never even thought about doing anything… together." Liar. "He's living with me until he can get back up on his feet again. That's all." She sighs and pushes a hand through her now matted hair. "You know how I feel about Finn, Kurt."
"Yeah, that really showed when you two were getting ice cream together."
She sighs and gets up off of the couch, realizing that her headache has subsided somewhat as she stands. "Kurt, you need to believe me when I say that nothing is going on between Finn and I. It just… wouldn't work out." Her phone beeps and she pulls it away from her ear to see what it says.
One incoming call from Finn.
"Kurt, look, let me put you on hold," she says, placing the phone back against her ear. "I need to take this." She decides not to tell him that it's Finn on the other line. Doing that would just open up a brand new can of worms that she doesn't want to be responsible for.
She switches over to the other line and sighs before saying anything. "Hello?"
"Hey, Rachel," Finn says on the other end of the phone call. "Um, are you feeling better?"
"Yeah," she says, sitting back down on the edge of the couch. "I… I really needed that nap, I guess." He doesn't sound the same over the phone. Ever since living with her, Finn's sounded like he's able to find the light in every situation. Now, he just sounds like he's worn down and tired and the cadence of his words sounds secretive, like he's keeping something from her.
No matter where they stand with their relationship with one another, Rachel would like to think that Finn wouldn't feel the need to keep a secret from her. Despite their shaky past, she doesn't feel as though there's anything to hide from the other now. It's like they've started fresh and she doesn't have to worry about whatever happened between them ten years ago.
"Hey, Rachel, um, I need you to come down to the hospital," he tells her, his voice quiet. Rachel can hear the noise of a doctor's office in the background, slowly becoming more concerned for Finn the longer he stays on the phone with her. "Um, I just…" His voice breaks off on something that sounds like a sob to Rachel's ears. "There's some stuff we need to go over. Together."
She raises an eyebrow and wraps her free arm around her waist, squeezing herself tightly. "Finn, I thought you were at the doctor's office," she tells him, worry laced in her voice. "To check in on your leg, or whatever." Lately, since Finn's visits have been occurring more frequently, Rachel's been under the impression that his leg isn't getting better any time soon – and that there's something more to his doctor's appointments than just his injury.
"I am," he tells her, voice shaking. "I just need you here, Rachel. Please."
At first, she doesn't like the tone in his voice. This worried, nervous, shaky tone that makes her think that he's just lying to her or something. It's like PTSD, really. For all she knows, Quinn's involved with this whole thing and is planning some kind of reboot of whatever it was that she had planned in high school.
Rachel nods as Finn speaks as if he can see her, and then realizes that she's being stupid.
"Of course, Finn," she says, swallowing thickly. "Whatever you need."
She hangs up on him and switches back over to her other line, where Kurt's been waiting impatiently for the past five minutes.
"Rachel, are you-"
"Kurt, I need to ask you a favor," she says, not bothering to wait and listen to whatever it is he wants to complain about. "I need to borrow your car."
:.:.:
She's never really spent a lot of time at a hospital before. There was one time when one of her cousins had a baby and she had come in with a bouquet of flowers to celebrate, but there really wasn't anything she did in the hospital while she was there.
The maternity ward was a nice place to be, anyway. It was filled with crying babies and glowing new mothers and the hope that there was something much, much more than the hospital walls.
Where Rachel is, however, seems like a much worse place to be.
Kurt had let her borrow his car after explaining that she needed to go down to the hospital to see Finn about something, but didn't explain much after that. She knows that Kurt thinks that something's going on between them, and she knows that she's not going to say anything to him. The way she sees things, he doesn't need to be dragged down into the entire mess that she and Finn have created together. He wouldn't understand, anyway.
She runs up to the front desk when she gets there and asks where Finn is, to which a nurse simply gets up from behind the desk and begins walking her through a labyrinth of hallways until she arrives outside of the door to the room that's supposed to be containing Finn.
The nurse turns to look at her with a grim expression on her face. "You're… Rachel, right?"
Rachel smiles sheepishly and nods. "Yes," she says, her voice soft.
The nurse looks at her and smiles sympathetically. "Well, good luck," she says, opening the door for her before walking away. Rachel raises an eyebrow and looks at the nurse as she walks away, opening the door wider and walking into the room that Finn's sitting in.
He turns to look at her and smiles softly, causing Rachel to walk into the room further and stand by his side as he sits in the chair in front of the desk that waits at the head of the room. She's surprised that the room looks more like an office than an actual doctor's office.
"Hey," he says, pulling the chair that's next to him out for Rachel to sit in. Rachel walks up to him, still confused.
"Finn, I don't-"
"Rachel, just sit down," he tells her, his face pale. She does as she's told and looks at Finn suspiciously. She doesn't understand why he's acting like this. Surely, nothing's wrong with him. Maybe it's just the doctor telling him that he needs to go back to resting his leg or that he's officially been given the all clear and this is going to be the last of his visits to the hospital, or the doctor's office, or wherever it is that they are.
She pushes her hair from her face and looks at Finn, confused. "Finn, I don't understand what's going on. Where's the doctor?"
Finn looks at her and she doesn't pay attention to him as he tries to speak to her. "He's gone, but Rachel, I need to tell you something."
"I just don't understand why you brought me out to the hospital to tell me-"
"I haven't been honest with you – about anything, and I just think that it's time you finally knew about what's been happening with me-"
"I mean, I had to borrow Kurt's car, Finn. He's not even quite sure as to where I am, and I don't want to worry him-"
"I have cancer, Rachel."
Rachel looks at Finn and feels her heart sink to the pit of her stomach. The words that spill out of Finn's mouth make her believe that he's lying to her or something, just so he can get her attention.
"Finn," she starts off, looking at him incredulously. "Don't joke around like that."
"I'm not joking," he tells her, hanging his head down with his eyes trained on his lap. "Lymphoma, actually. I never really hurt my leg at all."
Rachel looks at him and her jaw drops, feeling her stomach twist itself into a knot. Her entire body turns numb and she feels her hands begin to shake, unsure as to what she should do with herself.
"This isn't true," she says, shaking her head as she continues to look at him. "Finn, you've seemed so normal and healthy and fine these past few days, and you haven't been on the couch for too long or anything, and you've just seemed so… happy lately, that I just thought…" Her voice starts to trail off, tears beginning to spring to her eyes and run down her cheeks. She breathes heavily; unable to find the words to say what she wants to say to him.
"Rachel, I'm sorry," he tells her, leaning over in his chair so that he's closer to her. "I know that I should have told you sooner, but I could never find the right time," he tells her, Rachel unable to look up at him once she's started crying. She doesn't even know why she's crying at this point. She doesn't understand why he's telling her what he's telling her, and why he feels that right now is the opportune time to let her know.
She takes in a deep breath and turns her head to look at him, tears running down her cheeks. "I don't understand," she manages to get out between sobs. "This entire time you've just been… lying to me?"
Finn shakes his head and looks distraught for a moment, getting up out of his chair and walking towards Rachel. "Well, yeah, but I… when you put it like that it just makes me sound like an asshole," he tells her, falling down to his knees and looking up at her. "I didn't want to say anything because I was afraid of how you would react," he tells her. He takes her hand and squeezes it gently, causing her to look down at him.
"So you're sick," she says, unsure as to what she should say about the matter. "And you've been coming to the hospital to get better?"
"Yeah," he says, looking up at her again. "The doctors said that they're going to start me on chemo soon, so we'll see. Hopefully it'll all get better from here on out."
Rachel looks down at him and sighs, flipping her hair over her shoulder and trying to compose herself. "I just… I wish you had told me sooner," she says, looking away from him for a moment. "I always thought that you just had insanely high doctor bills, and were tired just because that was the way you were, and…" Her voice trails off and she starts to laugh bitterly. "I would have tried to help you, or something."
Finn looks up at her with a smile and rubs a thumb over her hand. "Well, we can work on it together," he tells her. "I promise, I'll tell you about everything."
She looks at him and nods, eyes shifting to look at their intertwined hands for a moment. "Okay," she whispers, feeling Finn stand next to her as she does the same. He wraps his arms around her in a tight embrace and she sighs, burying her face in his shoulder.
She wants to cry and have him told her and tell her that everything's going to be alright, but she knows that isn't an option between the two of them. At least not yet, anyway.
She pulls away from him for a moment and presses a kiss to him cheek, causing him to pull away from her even faster. Her lips feel like they're on fire, and he looks at her like he's confused with what she's done.
"Well," she says, rubbing her hands on her skirt nervously. "We should go then, shouldn't we?" She turns around and begins to walk to the door, rubbing her nose and sniffling slightly.
She can feel Finn wait to trail behind her, her heart pounding in her ears.
She can make it through helping him just as long as she doesn't lose her way herself first, she thinks.