Dan has never witnessed heartbreak in person. Not like this.
He's standing in the emergency room watching Chuck Bass crumple as he digests the words that Dan has just shouted down the hallway.
She's pregnant.
Chuck's face is drained of blood and his jaw is clenched and he looks like someone who has had his entire world rocked, and Dan knows that he has. This isn't the way he should find out, not when Blair is injured, not when everything feels so crazy, because Dan has come to see some of why Blair, or anyone else, might love Chuck. There is surprising decency there. This is not someone Dan wants to hurt, and this surprises him.
Dan doesn't move, just stares at Chuck who stares back at him, and Dan thinks that this will finally be the moment that he's been waiting for, the one where Chuck's fist connects with Dan's jaw.
It never does.
Dan starts to walk toward Chuck, his hand held out, the words, 'I'm sorry' on his lips. Because he really is.
"What the hell?" Chuck asks. "Pregnant?"
Chuck stumbles backwards and catches himself on the wall, then he slowly slides down to a crouch, his face in his hands, not looking at Dan. Dan slides down next to him and the two men sit there, not saying anything.
"It's yours?" Chuck finally says, his words sounding ripped from somewhere deep inside. Dan shrugs, not really knowing how to answer Chuck's question when he's not entirely sure himself. There's only one person who can answer the question for sure and she's fighting for her life.
"I guess so." Dan says. It's the only thing he can think of. "At least that's what Blair told Dorota."
Their baby. He hasn't even given himself time to digest what all of this means. Chuck doesn't even ask what part Dorota plays in this mess. Dan hasn't been able to fill him in about Dorota being Blair's handler. That can come later.
"When?" Chuck's voice is pained.
The wall is cool on Dan's back and from their vantage point all he can see are the legs and feet of hospital workers rushing by in their blue scrubs, their feet hurrying across the shiny tile floor, no one paying attention to the two men crouching in the hallway. Dan takes a deep breath and answers Chuck's question.
"London."
Chuck bites his lip and looks away. London. It seems so far away now, like another life, and Dan remembers how happy he'd been for just that one night, how she felt against him, how he'd whispered her name, how he'd told her he loved her. Now London has become something different for someone else. It's become betrayal.
Chuck looks back at Dan, his eyes shining with tears and Dan can see that he's fighting hard to keep control.
"She loves you."
It's a statement. It's a question. Dan nods because either way it's the truth, and after what Chuck Bass has done for Blair, Dan at least owes him the truth. Blair loves him. She always has. She never stopped. But he doesn't say any of this. He just nods.
"Yes," Dan sighs, and he knows that it hurts because he can see the pain on Chuck's face.
Chuck stands up quickly and Dan jumps up as well, moving back, an instinct to get away from danger, and Chuck's fist is pulled back and then it goes crashing into the wall.
"NO!"
Dan can only watch Chuck unravel.
"And us, our marriage?" Chuck asks, turning back to Dan, rubbing his knuckles which are reddened from the impact, "was it..."
Chuck's voice trails off as he starts to realize what he's asking and what the answer is.
"Part of the mission?" Dan finishes Chuck's sentence. He hates what he has to say next because they have all been victim to the mission in different ways. Dan went through the heartbreak of Blair leaving him. Chuck is going through the heartbreak of discovering that his marriage is a sham. Blair's life is in danger. All for the mission. Dan looks at Chuck and swallows then again tells the truth, even though it hurts.
"Yes."
His voice is solemn. It's all been part of the mission. And now they are standing in the hallway of an emergency room, two men who have been on opposite sides, united over their love for one woman, heartbroken because of one woman, and that woman may be dying.
Fuck the mission.
Chuck says nothing. He slumps against the wall and looks defeated. Dan doesn't say anything either. There is nothing left to say in this moment. Everything is out there. Everything has been ripped open and laid bare. He stands there, watching Chuck, worrying about Blair, feeling torn in two different directions, knowing that after tonight nothing will ever be the same, that nobody will walk out of the the same.
After what seems like a long time, Chuck clears his throat and speaks again.
"I love her, Humphrey, you know that, right?"
Dan does know. Even if he has questioned what Chuck Bass defined as love in the past, his actions over the past couple days have shown Dan that Chuck is capable of loving someone enough to sacrifice for them. He has been willing to betray his father for Blair, so yes, Dan knows that Chuck loves Blair. If he ever had any doubt, it's been shattered.
There is one thing left unresolved. One question dangling out there, and it's the biggest question of all, but Dan doesn't know if he should be the one to ask it. Maybe it should be Dorota, or Dorota's boss. Then Chuck answers it without the question ever being asked.
"That's why I'm going through with it."
Dan knows Chuck means turning in his father. The father Chuck has always longed to know, always longed to impress. The one he has spent his life living up to. He's going to destroy him now and all for someone who doesn't love him back.
"I got the information they need to nail him this morning. I went into dad's safe. It should be enough."
Dan lets out a sigh of relief and he hadn't even realized he'd been holding his breath.
Blair would be safe.
Blair.
It's like they have the same thought, because at that moment Chuck says her name out loud.
She's somewhere in the hospital, bleeding, and a team of doctors and nurses are working hard to save her life, and suddenly this conversation seems meaningless when the woman they love might be dying.
"I'll find out where she is." Dan says and walks away from Chuck and toward the triage desk. He asks about Blair Waldorf. The person sitting behind the computer looks her up and tells Dan that she's still in the OR, and explains how to get to the waiting room. Dan returns to Chuck and they both head to where they can wait for news of Blair.
It's a long night.
Around 3 am a nurse comes in and taps Dan on his shoulder and he jerks awake to find Chuck is still asleep, propped up uncomfortably in one of the worn waiting room chairs. He actually looks rumpled, making him look vulnerable, like a lost little boy. Dan shoves Chuck's shoulder a little and he jerks awake.
The nurse says Blair is out of surgery and has been transferred to the ICU. Dan can't absorb the details, just hears that she had lost a lot of blood, that she's stable.
It's a long morning.
They spend the next day at her bedside, Dan and Chuck, holding her hand, listening to the machines beep and hiss, watching Blair's chest rise up and down with the ventilator. They don't talk much because at this point everything that needs to be said has been said. They are strange companions in this vigil, knit together by their love for the woman who is fighting for her life.
Dorota comes by. She brings them coffee and sandwiches on thick, homemade bread, cups of soup, containers of sliced fruit, as if she can feed all of the pain away. She clucks over both the men like a mother hen, sitting next to each of them for a period of time.
"Does Mr. Chuck know," she asks Dan quietly when Chuck steps out to go to the restroom. Dan nods. Chuck knows. "And still alive." Dorota muses. Dan smiles and it feels strange.
The world works in strange ways sometimes. Under any other circumstances there would be a brawl, two men grappling for the love of one woman, things had worked out to bring them together, unite them as the most unlikely of allies.
"What about Bart Bass?" Dan asks, wondering what has happened to the man who instigated the events that led them all to this place. Wondering if he will actually pay.
"We have him in custody," Dorota's voice is biting, her tone betraying her true feelings about the man who had put Blair in this hospital bed, fighting for her life. They are both silent for a long moment, only the sounds of the ICU echoing in the room, and Dan knows that Blair is indeed surrounded by the people in this world who love her the most.
"Chuck said he got the information the CIA needs." Dan mutters quietly, thinking that all of this has required too much sacrifice. Dorota sighs and he feels her body relax a little next to him, some of her tension slipping away. There at least will be justice.
Chuck returns and Dorota leaves, and Dan has a few minutes to fill Chuck in on Dorota's role in the whole thing. They eat their food and continue their vigil, minutes clicking by, turning into hours, and Dan wonders how much longer this will go on.
Blair.
The doctors come in and they glance from Chuck to Dan, and Chucks says its okay if Dan is there to hear what they have to say, and Dan realizes that no matter what he is to Blair, Chuck is still her husband. He could kick Dan out at any moment, but he doesn't. The two of them get the information about Blair's condition together.
They say words like hemothorax, internal injuries, laceration, blood loss, and finally Dan gets the courage to ask what he's really wondering, although he hates the fresh pain it brings up on Chuck's face.
"What about the baby?"
The attending, a tall man with a weathered face and sinewy arms steps forward and says he's sorry. Dan feels like he can't breathe all over again and his gut twists, and it hurts.
Their baby.
Dorota is back later and she takes Chuck's arm and says she's sorry but they need him at the CIA, and Chuck nods solemnly and doesn't argue about staying. Then in an uncharacteristic gesture he steps towards Dan and throws his arms around him and hugs him tightly.
"I hate you, Humphrey." Chuck says quietly. "Don't be mistaken, but now isn't the time. Take care of her."
Dan nods, not knowing what to say.
Then he's alone. With Blair. With all the machines and tubes.
Dan finally lets his head drop into his hands and he cries, his shoulders shaking.
Blair.
A nurse comes into the room and places her hand on his shoulder and he looks up at her, his face streaked with tears, his eyes stinging. She tells them they're going to decrease Blair's sedation. Dan nods.
The nurse adjusts somethings on the pumps and Dan sits and watches and waits, and then Blair's eyelids are fluttering a little and they pop open and are looking around, eyes wild with fear, and Dan grabs her hand and squeezes it, and Blair's eyes go toward him.
"I'm here." he says quietly. "I'm here, and you're okay."
He is overcome with emotion, and he loves her so much that it hurts and he can't stop saying her name over and over again, and he tells her the most important thing.
"I love you."
She nods her head and squeezes his hand tightly, telling him what she can't say, telling him seh loves him too. There is a tube still down her throat, still helping her breathe, and then she starts to shake her head back and forth, trying to tell him something and she's getting agitated and trying to say something, and Dan knows what she's asking.
The baby.
"I'm sorry." he says and he watches as her eyes widen with the realization of what his words mean then they squeeze shut and tears start rolling down her cheeks and her whole body shakes, and the machines start to beep because her heart is racing and her breathing is suddenly too fast, and it's all from grief.
Their baby.
TBC