Chapter 10

Shadows fade into the light.

Rusty woke to the sound of light whimpers, and a small voice saying his name. At first he couldn't recognize it, as part of his mind was still clouded into the world of sleep. But slowly he came back to himself and felt a pair of little paws pushing against his side, softly, hesitantly. The wolf dingo opened a single brown eye to see Aniu looking wide eyed and afraid.

"Aniu…what are you doing up right now?" he asked, shaking his head, and sleep, away.
"I…I had a bad dream, Rusty. I didn't wanna wake mama, so I came out here to you".
"You'll catch your death out here little one, go back with your mother".
"No! No, no, no, no! You'll leave again".
"What are you…oh" he remembered.
"You left us once before, back when you first met us. My nightmare…you left again and you never came back. You were gone forever! I…I tried to go after you but…but it was like you didn't even want to see me! Like…Like you hated me!".

The little white pup sobbed against his belly, and something new stirred inside Rusty. Here was a little one, scared of a nightmare, and of a possibility. True, he was going to leave them, but that didn't mean he hated them. He couldn't hate them, especially not her! This little pup had opened his heart to love, and for that he was forever in her debt.

"Hey…c'mon, none of that. Aniu look at me" she looked up at the sound of his voice so she was looking in his eyes, "Know this, I could never hate you. You or your mother. I may leave you, but that doesn't mean that I hate you. It just means…It just means my loyalties lie elsewhere. I have a home and a family that needs me".
"I need you" Aniu replied through her tears.

Rusty's ears drooped to the side of his head. What did one say in a situation like this? Here he was, torn apart himself, unable to reassure someone who'd grown so dear to him that he didn't hate her. He didn't, and he knew the truth. He'd tried, and it didn't work. What could he say that wouldn't hurt her, break her little heart more?

"Shhh" he picked her up a little and set her between his outstretched front legs, close to his chest so she was warm, and so that hopefully his heartbeat would be her lullaby, "No sweetheart, you don't need me. You just want me".
"What's the difference?" she cuddled into his warmth.
"Need is when…when something is detrimental to you, important to your survival. Want is just something you can live without, but it's nice to have".
"But what if…what if I want and need you? What do you call that?" she sniffled.
"I don't know" he said honestly.
"I think it's love" Aniu gave his chest a soft little lick.
"Why's that?" Rusty asked.
"Because when you love someone, they're nice to have around and well, it's like they become a part of you, so they're important to your survival too. Love is when you can't live without the ones you love most".

Perceptive for one so young. Yep, she was going to be an alpha someday, he confirmed. She was going to be a good one, just like her mother. She'd grow up just fine without him. Aniu was only saying all this because of her nightmare. But then again…his eyes widened when he realized he'd called her sweetheart. Where the hell had that come from? Could it be that he honestly did love this little pup?

It was a painful realization, but it was true. Rusty loved this little one like his own! He'd let himself get attached, felt his walls crumble, and had trusted her and her mother. And now look where he was! It would do him no good. What was the matter with him?! Could he really grow attached to someone so fast, in such a short span of time, knowing so little about them? He didn't know but one thing he was sure of: He loved this little pup and would do anything to keep her safe.

"I love you, Rusty" her little voice pulled him from his thoughts.

The wolf dingo let out a soft gasp, as if something in him hurt, which he would be lying if he said something didn't. He remembered why he'd hardened his heart, it was too painful to feel. He'd let Maddie down, what made him think he wouldn't do the same to Aniu? Could he bear the sorrow if he failed this little pup? Well, it was what he was going to have to do. Besides, she'd grow up fine without him. He'd fade from her memory, as she would most likely fade from his.

"But I don't want her to" he thought, "her or her mother".

Her mother…he thought of Aleu briefly. Earlier she had pretty much extended an invitation to be the alpha of her pack, to be her mate. For two years he'd been alone, uncared for, and left wondering if going back was the right path to take. With Aleu and Aniu, he didn't feel all of that. With them, he was loved, if only by at least one of them, but it was love and it was there, his for the taking. But he wouldn't force anything on Aleu. Rusty knew the only reason she'd take him as a mate was because one, he had potential to be a good alpha (At least in her opinion) and two, to act as a father to Aniu. Sure, they were…decent reasons, but they weren't the right ones. If he wanted to take a mate, he wanted her to love him first, not just have a mate out of convenience.

That just brought him back to the question from earlier: If his circumstances were different, could he have loved her? Could she have loved him? Could have, could have, could have! God…he wanted to go find a tree and bang his head against it, but…it would do nothing but cause a few head injuries. Not to mention he had little Aniu snuggled against him, trying to sleep.

"Rusty?"
"Yes, sweetheart?" God! There it went again!
"Did you hear me? I said I love you".
"I…I…" he wasn't sure he could say it, "I don't know what to say young one. I'm the one least deserving of your love".
"Why do you say that?"
"I'm not like you".
"So what? Love knows no boundaries, mama says".
"And she's right, but I don't deserve it, Aniu. Yours is a pure love, a true love, and I'm…neither of those things".
"You're good. You love me and mama, you're just too afraid to admit it. But I know it. I can feel it here" she put an ear over his heart, "In your heart".

Again, this pup rendered him speechless! How was it she was able to see past all that he was? Couldn't she see that he didn't deserve her love?! Or anyone's love for that matter?! Who was he but a wolf dingo, hybrid bastard in the eyes of those who were pure? But she was right also, love knew no boundaries, so maybe, just maybe, he deserved a speck of love. But surely not all of it! All his love was right here, snuggled close, sharing his warmth and seeing the side of him that he'd only ever shown Madeline. His heart began to throb painfully at the emotions bombarding him and sent his head swimming. It was like…like his very heart was right there, beating through little Aniu. Who was he to deny her what love he could give her, even if it was for a short time? Rusty's eyes stung as he licked the little ball of white fur.

"I love you too sweetheart" he finally allowed himself to say, "And I promise, I'll never truly leave you".

She fell asleep snuggled to him, the beat of his heart her perfect lullaby. As for Rusty, he couldn't sleep due to all these new thoughts and emotions. But now this only would make things harder.

He didn't want to leave them anymore.

"But you have to" a part of him said, "Madeline…she's counting on you to come back. And will you let her down again? Will you break her heart once more, just so that yours can be put back together? Besides…they don't need you. They just want you".

Well maybe they did want him but truth be told he wanted them too. Maybe…maybe Aleu could forget the pack! Move back to Nome with him and his family! They could be on the police force together! Rusty had no doubt Aleu would make a fine officer and Madeline would have a new playmate in Aleu. Everyone would be happy! It was the perfect solution!

Except she wouldn't forget the pack. She wouldn't leave them, not even for him. The thought saddened him but it was the truth. Her duty was to them first, and wasn't that what this was all about? Duty and loyalty…his was to Madeline and Inspector Aubrey, to the town of Nome itself. Hers was to her daughter and her pack. No! He wouldn't come between them! It wasn't right. He was leaving them, and that was that! If worse came to worst he'd learn to live without them! It'd be hard, but he'd learn. Damned if he didn't at least try! The wolf dingo growled with newly found resolution. He wouldn't dare falter or think such impossible, dreamy thoughts again.

But inside, Rusty wept…