Chapter 11

"Carolyn won't get Edmund." Barnabas said with cold deliberation.

"She might well do it." George warned him "With Quentin at her side."

"But Quentin is not the father."

"Don't expect the judge to believe it."

"I could try to explain."

"You can't explain it. Unless you want to tell the whole story, and if you do, no judge will grant you custody."

"Because I am a vampire?"

"Yes." George said pitilessly. He did not like to see Barnabas deceiving himself.

"Why?" Barnabas was angry "Do you think that I would hurt Edmund in any way?"

"You can't care for him properly"

"I am taking care of him."

"No. Buffy Harrington is. You see him at most one hour at night before he has to go to sleep. How can you give him any attention nor any of the things a child has the right to expect of a father?"

"I can give it to him."

"You can't. You just don't have the time for it."

Barnabas' expression turned to one of stubbornness "His father entrusted him to me, not to Carolyn."

"You can never be a fit parent. Not to Edmund."

"I am better at it than Carolyn and Quentin!" Barnabas said angrily "Carolyn does not care about Edmund at all. She just wants to hurt me. What kind of mother can she make? And Quentin? You know how irresponsible he is. What kind of moral guidance can he offer?"

"Don't sell Carolyn short." George said softly "For all her defects, she could be a good mother to Edmund."

"That fellow Quentin did give us a run for your money" Jessica said.

"You can say that again." Julia agreed.

For some reason she felt uncomfortable with the couple Kenneth had introduced her to. Not Jessica, she was a personable young woman, but Zeb, for some reason, made her uneasy. She hoped they did not notice it.

"Imagine the gall of that Quentin, using someone else's name."

"And then we had that other one." Zeb added with distaste "a faggot. although I would not mind of those damned fags got every disease in the book." he saw Jessica's frown and backed off. "I know, it is unprofessional of me to say that. I just can't stand fags, that's all."

Noticing that he conversation had cooled off somewhat and that they were all staring at him, he decided to change conversation.

"But that is not why I came here. Do you remember me, Doctor Hoffman?"

Julia studied him. "Were you ever a student worker at Wyncliffe?"

"Nope."

"Did you come to any of the seminars I taught?'

"Wrong again."

"How, then?"

"I was a kid the last time you saw me. You see, my mother remarried and I took my stepfather's name. Are you sure you don't remember me?'

Julia shivered, realizing where she had known somebody named Zeb.

"Zeb Carter?"

"Yes. Son of William Carter and Donna Woodard Carter. I used to visit with Uncle Dave a lot before we moved away. I guess that Uncle Dave was my reason for going into medicine. You were close to him, weren't you?"

"Yes, I was." It was a miracle that he could smile, could talk normally.

"I always expected you to marry him. But then it must not have worked out."

"No, it didn't"

"And now I am here. A doctor myself, married to a doctor. Too bad that he can't be here to see how I turned out."

"Tammy" Megan called her "Look what the Rev gave me"

Tammy stared with a shocked expression. It was a cross that Megan was holding.

"How can you?"

"Very easy. After all it is merely psychosomatic. Derek is immune to it, same as I. Barnabas is not. He could be, but I prefer not to disabuse him."

"But... what about Tom Jennings? And Roxanne...?"

"Tom Jennings hung around with black magic practitioners like Nicholas and Angelique in her evil days. They too could not handle crosses due to their practices. He imitated them in that. As for Roxanne... I would say that her... masters wanted a way to control her if there was ever a need."

"But you never told Barnabas."

"Of course not. I want to be able to control him if he ever freaks out. He does freak out every now and then, and can be very destructive then. A few days confined in the coffin with the cross on his chest does wonders for his mental stability. And then, were it not for that, Sabrina would not have been able to truss him up to send to Parallel Time, and would have just shot him."

"And you tell me this why?"

"Because I want you to be careful how you tell him that you are his direct descendant"

"You propose that I get mushy and tell him that he's got a daughter of sorts? What if he does not want to claim kinship with a piece of black ivory?"

Megan sighed. "He can flip given enough provocation. I do not relish having to control him when he does. The last time Chris broke his collarbone, and he saw reason...But... I keep thinking of what happened when Jeb cursed him again. Nelle Gunston was one of them. Bruno's mistress, I think. He met her, and found out that she was one of them. He led her on, and got confirmation that she was a willing and enthusiastic participant. She was willing to kill and worse for Jeb's cause... He drank her blood, and then killed her. Given what had happened to him, I would be willing to call it an act of war. Same as the shooting of Schuyller Rumson... But I am afraid that what he did with her was basically freak out. He did not need to strangle her after he had fed. He could have kept her under his control... But he was in too much pain, and turmoil, so he broke her neck for revenge... Tammy, if you go to see him, watch how he reacts. And carry one cross at least. And let me know if I need to come knock sense into him."

"So, basically he gets real stupid sometimes?"

"More or less. He feels awful about it afterwards and engages into self-flagellation. But the damage is done., He had problems with impulse control when it came to anger before he was even cursed, and the transformation did not help any.. did not even teach him the wisdom of self control Then he was locked for over one hundred and fifty years in that coffin" Megan shivered, trying to imagine what it had been like "It helped even less. He is quite recovered now, and has got some impulse control. Still, he can go berserk. "

"And you are telling me this why? To warn me to be careful around him?"

"And to have some compassion for him, too."

"Compassion?" Tammy shrugged "What compassion did he have for the cargo in his ships? Did he ever think how he came to have the money in his pocket? What compassion did he have for my ancestor when he raped her?"

"He suffered more than enough. His family turned against him. His mother killed herself rather than look at him. His sister died in his arms. And his father condemned him to the torment of the locked coffin...No one should have to go through that, no matter what hey had done... I do not know what would have become of him, had it not been for Julia... And he's put himself together. He became strong to the point that he could be cursed again and not be destroyed.. He's changed, Tammy. He's not the same man who used a slave for his pleasure, without caring for her. He would not do it now."

"He made his money in the slave trade."

"That money is gone. The trade is gone. What he has, he earns... Tammy, you can't undo the slave trade by punishing him. You can only hurt him needlessly."

"I am not hurting him." Tammy said. "I just don't want him to be family."

Julia adjusted the shawl over her shoulders. It was cold, getting so cold...

She knew it wasn't the cold. It was her guilt. How could she have found the courage to face Zeb? To smile at him, swap memories with him?

Maybe Dave had forgiven her, but she herself could not... It was little more than a year ago that she had been ready to kill herself.

She recognized the rustle of wings, but did not react to it. Let him say what he would. She would not listen.

"Julia" Barnabas said, miserably "You have seen Zeb, haven't you?"

"How did you know?"

"Kenneth. He commented to me about it. No, he does not know the story behind it."

Julia shrugged "Don't worry. I am not going to tell Zeb anything. I don't want anything to happen to him, too."

The barb stung. Barnabas accepted it.

"It is you that I am worried about."

"I don't see why."

"If... if came out, at worst I could claim temporary insanity. But you." he took her hands and pressed his face against them "I am afraid of all that could happen to you. From others and from yourself."

Julia stared dully ahead "We did it, you and I."

"Julia" he has now on his knees before her, kissing her hands. "Don't do this to yourself. You were swamped, caught in a situation that was getting more and more out of control. You were isolated, with no one to turn to. You owed me loyalty, not because I was a very lovable person, but because, like it or not, I was your patient... and something broke... Julia, you had a breaking point and I reached it. You can't hang people for having breaking points."

"Why not?"

Barnabas smiled sadly "We'd run out of ropes and trees. You were caught, you were vulnerable. Julia, we are all weak. We try to find the courage to do what is right, but sometimes we can't

"So that makes it right?"

"It doesn't. I wish it did. You don't know how I wish it did. It is not right that you go on punishing yourself like this. It isn't right."

"What else can I do?"

"I don't have answers, Julia. If I did I would have given them to you... All I can do is try to talk about it, try to get us to explain it to each other. I can try to make it somehow better for you. If blaming me makes you feel better, do it. If you want to hate me, do it. Just don't hurt yourself any more."

"Why shouldn't I hurt myself?"

"Because it isn't right! Julia, you are a good woman. A very good woman. You have strength, compassion, sense. You saved me from something I don't care to remember. You have been a source of comfort to many people. You've made one grievous mistake that ended in tragedy and never forgave yourself for it. Julia, I want you to forgive yourself."

"You don't ask for yourself anymore?" she asked with heavy irony.

"I don't matter now. I want you to be all right, nothing more. I want you to stop hurting yourself. If someone has to be hurt, let it be me, not you."

"You can't take my hurt away like that."

"Let me try, at least." he took both her hands and pressed them against his heart.

"And if I don't want to be helped?"

"Then I will stay with you until you say you want it."

"On your knees?"

"As long as it takes."

"No, at dawn you'll have to go."

"But I will be back."

"It will take long."

"I know. I will wait." he smiled sadly "Do you want to extract a price from me? Do you want me to save string? I did that because Dave asked me to. It was easier to get forgiveness out of him than out of you."

Julia stared at him, her eyes flinty. "I will not make it easy for you."