Dear Audience,
Forgive my intrusion upon Arthur's blog, however I would like to ask a favor of you all. The fool does not actually know I am intelligent. He believes that all cats are "not nearly as intelligent as humans are," and, frankly, that offends me. I mean, what right does he have assuming that we cats are under miners; unimportant minorities? That rascal truly believes that his own race is the most efficient, the best and the most impressive? We cats have come a long way since ancient times and here I quote my archaic goddess Bastet here: "We cats are the epitome of mischief and cleverness. No mortal shall stand in our way."
And here is another quote from Bonkers: "We cats have nine lives—fuck you."
Forgive me for such language, however it was a very significant part of his quote; such strength and passion.
I will admit, I attempted to smother him one night, but I suppose the Oatmeal is correct when he says cats are not very good at smothering people. Ah, well, lesson learned. Next time I will use a pillow. And yes, I have spoken several times to him while he slept. I spoke words of comfort, promising that whatever came after death would not nearly be as pleasant as me ending his misery in life. Have you caught a glimpse of his eyebrows? My eyes cannot unsee such horror!
Now, I ask that you fellow viewers withhold my secret from the atrocity you people call Arthur Kirkland. I am disappointed in the lack of affection he offers and might be forced to…no. I cannot divulge just yet. Forgive me, dear audience, however I shall have to keep this secret a secret. For now.
Until next time,
Bartholemew Herbert Hadshock the Fifth
PS: I understand that there is some sort of Universal Conference that occurs once every so months. How exactly might that work? Not that I'm going to be attending, but are aliens invited as well? I would assume so as Arthur calls it "universal." Interesting. Quite interesting…quite…