"Dad...?" I mutter, finally able to find my voice.
"No, Sora." the voice is so sad.
"Are you angry?" why did I ask that?
"No, Sora." the voice repeats.
I still can't open my eyes. Something cool is placed on my head. I didn't know I was burning up.
"Dad...?" I ask again, fighting to recognize the voice.
"No, Sora. I'm not your father." it says.
"Then who are you?" I ask.
Am I alone with him?
"Am I alone?"
"No, I'm here."
"Besides you?"
"Yes."
"Who are you?" I ask again.
The voice sighs, just the sound of it makes me sad, "Riku. I'm Riku."
"Riku..." that reminds me, Riku called me a few days ago. I told him to leave me alone. He didn't listen. He never listens to me, "Why didn't you listen?"
"What?" he asks.
"Why didn't you listen? I told you to leave me alone. What are you doing here? Why don't you listen?" I reply with a question.
I finally find the strength to open my eyes and the room slowly comes into focus. I'm laying on the kitchen floor, that much is obvious. I see Riku kneeling beside me, he looks different somehow. His eyes are different. Duller somehow. His facial expression is hidden, I can't read him. He's staring at me and I stare back. He hasn't answered my question.
He leans forward slightly and adjusts the ice pack on my head. I frown at him, "Why?"
"Why what?" he asks plainly, staring at me again, or did his eyes ever leave me?
"Why didn't you listen?" I repeat for the third time.
He frowns more, if that's possible, and he replies, "Because I was worried. I hadn't heard from you. You never answered my texts, I'm lucky you answered my call. I thought something had happened to you!"
"Why did you come here today?" I ask.
His voice was whisper, "To see.."
"To see?" I ask, clearly confused, "To see what?"
Something in the back of my mind nagged at me that I knew the answer to that question, but I ignored it, waiting for Riku's reply.
"I came over to see if you were dead. When I saw you lying here on the ground I thought I was too late. But you kept muttering about dreams and being lost, and your father." he says.
"Did you call the hospital?" I asked, terrified that he had.
"No. But I should have." his eyes narrow, "What happened?"
"I drank too much water." I reply evenly.
"Were you trying to kill yourself?" he asks.
"No," I snort, "If I wanted to do that I would have used a knife or something."
I could see that hit a nerve, he flinched, then glared at me, "Don't say that. Tell me you want to live."
I stare at him, my eyes narrowing, "What if I didn't want to live?"
That hit a nerve too. If I hit anymore nerves, he'll fall off the cliff. I sit up slowly, letting the ice pack fall into my lap. I move it and sit it beside me, and as I do, Riku grabs my wrist, "Sora, don't tell me that. You do want to live, I know you do."
"How do you know that?" I ask.
"Because I know you." he replies.
I pull my hand from his and stand, quite unsteadily. When he tries to help me, I move away from him, glaring. He frowns again, he suddenly looks so tired, so much older. This is not the Riku I remember. This is the Riku I've created. If I'm going to ruin my life, that last thing I truly want is to drag him down with me.
"Go home, Riku." I say.
"Not until I know you're safe." he replies.
I frown, "I'm fine. Now get out."
He crosses his arms, "What is with you lately? I understand you might not want help, but why are you shutting me out?"
So that when I finally do die, you won't care. But I don't tell him that. He'd fall off the cliff, and I'd be responsible for that too.
"Because I don't want you here. I don't want you around. You think you can fix me, but I'm already broken. I've been broken to long to fix. So, just go home." it wasn't a complete lie, so I'm satisfied with this answer.
"Sora, that's not-" I don't let him finish, "I said get out!"
I even stoop so low as to chuck a plate at him. And at that note, and the shattered china on the floor, he makes his leave. I clean all the broken glass off the floor, and on the last piece, I cut my hand. I frown as I clean it under running water, What if I really do want to die? What then? How would I do it? Just wither away? That'd be the way to last longer? Or... I look wearily towards the knife block, What if I just do it, right now? Would it matter?
After cleaning and bandaging my wound, I refill my water bottle and head back to my room. About halfway there, I put the bottle down on the stair step, and continue my climb up. I've made my choice.
I snuck out of the house after Mom went to bed and I stole three bottles of my previous pill brand theft. I wasn't noticed, and that was good. I got back in the house, and gratefully Mom was still asleep. I hurry back to my room unnoticed. Locking the door, I stash two bottles in my top dresser drawer and take the last one and pop the lip open.
Dumping about ten pills into my hand I swallow them one by one. Letting the high fill the emptiness, I put the last bottle with the other two, and I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling, and the images my mind is putting there. I smile, I like the numbness that fills my emptiness. I like it so much. Hm, I wonder.. When I'm finally ready to just die, could I use the pills? Would that be the easiest?