They barely made it, and Shepard only had the time to give Saren's ship a very cursory glance before hastily entering the airlock. It was significantly larger than the previous one.

The engines were already up and running and as the airlock slammed shut behind her, Shepard sensed the ship moving. Apparently, Saren was in a hurry.

The interior was unusual enough to make her raise an eyebrow. While a good way from luxurious, it was definitely comfortable: a spacious common area with a small vid wall, entertainment tech and standard electronics; it was very unlike Saren.

She reached the cockpit after Nihlus. They were already clearing orbit. Saren keyed in a destination, then let the autopilot take over.

"Nice ship you have here," Nihlus said, impressed. He was bent over Saren's shoulder, studying the console. He tapped a finger against a small display, calling up the ship's specs.

The weapons systems were nonstandard, and probably illegal. The engines took up a larger part of the vessel than Shepard would have expected, and they looked customised, too. She craned her head look at the floor plans as they came up, interested despite herself. Only one sleeping cabin.

"Ooh, make that a very nice ship. Although 'Void's Song' doesn't sound like you."

Saren said nothing.

"Where did you get it?"

"From an illegal weapons dealer in the Terminus." Then after a pause, "He named it."

Nihlus grinned. "He just... gave it to you?"

Saren threw a warning glance at him, which only made Nihlus smile even wider.

"Are you going to keep it?"

"I haven't decided yet." His tone was disinterested. "It would require some modifications. Likely not worth the effort." He turned around and regarded them for a moment. "You can have the sleeping quarters. Settle in. I'll take the first watch."

Nihlus blinked, nodded, and retreated from the cockpit.

Saren's impassive eyes focused on Shepard, and she felt a stab of irritation. "I don't claim to understand your way of thinking," she told him in a low voice, glancing over her shoulder to make sure Nihlus had left. "And I'm not surprised that you're not too keen on having me on your ship. That was a temporary cease-fire, just like you said at the beginning, and it's over now. I get it." She took a breath. "But there's no need to treat Nihlus this way. You're supposed to be friends, aren't you? Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

The lights from the console were giving Saren's pale face a silvery cast. "Don't presume to know anything about me."

There was a dangerous undertone in his voice, but this time, it wasn't enough to make her back off. "But I do know a couple of things about him. And so do you. You know how he feels about you, and don't bother denying it. He isn't precisely subtle, and you are far from unobservant. You hit him hard, Saren. You don't do that to a friend."

Saren didn't move a muscle. "And now you presume you can tell me how to act."

She laughed with disbelief. "There's no use in this, is there? Nothing I can say will change your mind." She searched his eyes for something, any trace of guilt or remorse, in vain. "Are you even listening to me?"

His mandibles twitched. "Why does it matter? He has you to soothe his poor, hurt feelings."

She stared at him, too surprised to say anything. Was he being... jealous? His mandibles twitched once more, then he looked away in resignation.

Shepard couldn't believe what she was hearing, what she was seeing. It made her cool down instantly, swallow whatever angry reply she'd wanted to make. Instead, she too felt the same resignation. It was obvious what and who he was jealous of.

"It's not what you think. When you came into that room, we were just beginning to plan how to find you."

He blinked, and she could almost see the wheels turning. Then he lowered his head ever so slightly. "This is different," he said, gesturing at their surroundings with his eyes. "There are consequences now. From some decisions, there is no going back."

"There are always consequences," she challenged. "If you think there were none before, you're fooling yourself."

"No. Nothing has changed." There was an odd undercurrent in his voice. "We haven't changed."

She shook her head. "I can't believe you honestly think that. Every experience changes us, and this..." she broke off, no longer able to hide her annoyance. "Well. I can speak for Nihlus and myself. Maybe you are right, and it didn't change you. Who the hell knows? And there I thought I was starting to understand you, a little. Just goes to show."

He winced, almost imperceptibly, but she knew she had scored a hit there. "It was a different situation."

"The only real difference is that now, it's a choice." Shepard hesitated, then swallowed the bitter taste in her mouth. "And if I'm the problem, just tell me, and I'll back off."

Saren scoffed. "He means that little to you, then? Something you own and can give away?"

The calm, dismissive tone was intended to provoke, and sadly, it worked. White-hot fury flashed through her mind, overriding reason, and she hissed at him. "He's a friend. Maybe more. But I want him happy more than I want him mine. I was a fool to expect you could understand that but -"

She bit off her words, saw a vaguely satisfied expression on his face and recognised the tactic. Her temper turned to ice. "You barefaced bastard. You're provoking me on purpose? That's low even for you." She took a breath, then shook her head. "No. I refuse to play this game. Stop toying with me." A question was on the tip of her tongue, but she swallowed it.

He caught it, though. "What?"

Shepard snorted. "I was wondering whether that side of you that you showed us back there was genuine or just very good play-acting. I thought there was more to you than... this. Don't tell me. I honestly don't know what would be worse." She knew she was saying too much but she no longer cared. "You said it wouldn't end well. Is that why you're acting this way? Because you simply have to be right?"

She didn't wait for a reply. Instead she just turned away and made her way back to the commons. Only later did she realise that she'd been too distracted to ask the one question she really wanted answered.

Why are you doing this?

#

When she entered the cabin she found Nihlus stretched out on the bed, but awake, and he turned his head as she stripped and lay down beside him. They curled up into each other. Clawed hands held her back, stroking her skin, but there was no desire in the touch. A different kind of need. For companionship, for comfort.

He didn't even ask. Maybe he had heard them after all, or maybe he knew well enough from her mood how the chat with Saren must have gone.

"Should have warned you," he said. "It's how he's always been. I'm sorry."

"Not your fault." She caressed the side of his neck. "Will you be all right?"

A mute nod.

She had to ask. "You're not going to give up, are you?"

"Can't." She had never seen him look this torn. "I'm sorry. It's not fair to you, I know that, but -"

"No," she interrupted. "I get it." She did. She stared into the green eyes, too open, too confused, showing neither his professional persona nor the roguish mercenary he pretended to be most of the time, but his private self - and didn't flinch.

It was easier for her, maybe, because her own feelings weren't as complex. First and foremost, Nihlus was a friend, and being his lover wouldn't change that.

At Saren, she was simply angry. Not only because of that disaster of a conversation. She could no longer deny that she was attracted to him and wanted him, that something in her resonated with the way he was, even when they were at odds. If it had been given time, it might have become more. Apparently that was not going to happen, but she'd get over it.

Unlike Nihlus. He was caught in the middle between them, and what he felt for Saren was both very complicated, and so very simple. It wasn't infatuation or blind worship. Nihlus was anything but blind to Saren's character, flaws included. He knew Saren better than anyone. He knew what he was in for, and still he was trying.

Her memory flashed back to the image of Nihlus, quite literally caught between her and Saren for the first time, and his impulsive, unguarded words.

Don't make me choose.

That tone had struck her as odd, but she couldn't have understood the full scope back then. She had a better idea, now.

She'd never have the whole of him, because a part of him would always belong to Saren. Which was also true for her, and it was a bitter irony.

Of course, if she could see that, however late, then Saren knew, too. He'd likely known all the time. Which explained the jealousy, she thought with a sinking feeling. Which meant this was even more of a mess than she had originally feared.

But none of it was Nihlus' fault and she hugged him close, confident that he'dunderstand the gesture. "Don't apologise for what you are. Ever. None of us can help how we feel. We are what we are. We just need to figure out what we can be to each other."

Nihlus sighed, leaned his cheek on hers in a fleeting gesture of affection. "It's a sad day for this galaxy when a human is both more sensible and less selfish than a turian."

She had to smile at that. "Arrogant turian."

"Smartass human." He pretended to nip at her shoulder in annoyance, then just rested his chin on it, the tips of his mandibles tickling her skin.

#

An unfamiliar sound awoke her. The light was low, but even so she could make out the figure of Saren, leaning against the door frame, watching them. He wasn't wearing armour, for once, but a dark suit with a simple cut.

Shepard tensed involuntarily, and even went so far as to lean towards Nihlus, putting herself between him and a potential threat before her sense kicked in.

He didn't comment, although he must have caught it. His posture was strange, lacking his usual confidence. He watched them with something like apprehension, as if unsure of his welcome.

And he had every reason to, she thought with a flash of annoyance.

Nihlus woke up, a bit startled, and when she looked at him she wasn't surprised to see longing on his face, open enough for anyone to see. There was no way Saren could miss that, and indeed, he replied through a slight shift of attitude, too subtle for Shepard to interpret. But she was willing to take a chance. She carefully disentangled herself from Nihlus and rolled aside, leaving the path free in a gesture that was blatantly clear.

There, she thought, staring at Saren with a touch of bitterness. You win, whatever game you were playing. I'm out of the picture. Now come over and fix this.

He looked back at her, expression unreadable as always, but there was something hesitant about him, something new and very different from the triumph or smugness she expected. His attention shifted to Nihlus, then, and he suddenly moved to the bed. After a second's hesitation he nudged a knuckle against Nihlus' jaw. Nihlus didn't flinch; he allowed Saren to turn his head a few degrees, but he looked tense, and kept watching Saren out of the corner of his eye.

It took Shepard a few seconds to understand that Saren was looking for the traces his claws had left when he'd slashed at Nihlus. She knew he would find none: she had done the same earlier, but the shallow scratches had already healed.

Then Saren's hand was on Nihlus' left mandible, a strangely hesitant stroke of a thumb over the whole flat length of it. At that, Nihlus let out a wordless, cracked sound, then pulled Saren close, pressing his forehead to Saren's in an impulsive, heartfelt gesture. Saren seemed surprised for a moment, then leaned into the touch, relaxing, and the relief in his expression was obvious.

Shepard was sure she missed the nuances of the exchange, but the most important thing was clear: Nihlus had forgiven him. She couldn't help smiling, even if something inside her twisted.

Saren withdrew, and turned towards her. She tensed up again, but what he did was a mirror of the gesture he'd offered to Nihlus: he traced his thumb over her jawline, a feather-light touch, then let his hand drop. She blinked as she tried to keep her jaw from dropping.

Saren rumbled in something like frustration. "I don't know how to say that in any language you understand."

Behind him, Nihlus snorted. "To be fair, you don't know how to say that in any language at all. How about, 'I'm really sorry for being a complete idiot; I care about you and I'll make it up to you?'"

Saren sighed, and Shepard could have sworn there was amusement in his eyes. He shook his head. "Not the way I'd put it... but yes."

Shepard regarded him, eyes still narrowed, wary. "Apology accepted."

He nodded, then cleared his throat. "I'm heading out into the Traverse. A mech factory has suddenly gone dark. Looks like their VI was compromised. I want to take a look before their own officials do." He hesitated. "You can come with me if you want."

Nihlus didn't hesitate. "Sure, I'm game."

But Saren was looking at her. She felt the weight of that strange pale gaze resting on her, waiting for her answer. He wasn't as calm as he looked, there was a tension that only showed in the skin around his eyes, and in the back of her mind, she wondered when she had learned to read him that well.

"Sounds like fun," she said in the end and he relaxed, but not completely. She searched his closed-off face. "If we work together, how far does that extend into our personal lives?"

His mandibles twitched. "As far as the two of you want."

"And you're no longer worried about consequences?"

"I already told you, Shepard. From some decisions, there is no going back."

Was that an affirmative? She couldn't tell, but suddenly she had an idea. Possibly a dangerous idea. She brought a hand up, then quite deliberately drew a thumb over his cheek and the spine curving from there. It was a kind of touch that implied more that familiarity; it implied intimacy, and it was the ultimate test.

And to her surprise, he passed with flying colors. He leaned against her hand, watching her with a sober expression. "I'm not toying with you. I never was."

Shepard swallowed. She believed him. "So where does that leave us?" she asked.

Saren twitched his mandibles again, but it was Nihlus who answered for him. "Exactly where we left off." He came up behind the Saren's back, gathering him into an embrace. A gentle challenge.

Saren flinched, but didn't move away.

"Don't run again," Nihlus said, softly. "We'll just come looking for you, anyway."

Shepard was half glad that Saren couldn't see it, that irresistible, vulnerable expression of complete trust on Nihlus' face - and half terrified that he'd miss it. This had a lot of potential to go wrong, so very wrong. She wasn't sure what would happen if Saren lashed out again in reply to this confession.

Saren's eyes widened, but his gaze remained fixed on Shepard. Unsure what to do, she let go of his face, drew back, trying to give them some space, both literally and figuratively. Maybe it was for the best to let the two of them work out their differences first; she could decide upon her role later.

But then Saren's hand suddenly closed on her wrist. It was a gentle hold, with almost no pressure to it, no force behind it. A plea, not a command, and for once, his intention was perfectly clear.

Don't go.

That wasn't what she expected. It was supposed to be about Nihlus. Even Saren's invitation for her to stay aboard, was probably about Nihlus. And as much as she enjoyed his touch, she didn't want to come between them.

She was about to break that fragile hold when he sighed, a strangely soft sound that made her pause and look at him. His expression was intense, but she couldn't read it. And at times like this it was better to be very clear.

"I don't think I can take a repeat performance from how this ended last time," she warned, ignoring the way Nihlus winced at her bluntness.

Saren didn't move. "There won't be one."

Nihlus hadn't asked, but she had to. "What was it that got to you so badly?"

He held her gaze, almost defiantly. "A miscalculation on my part. It won't happen again."

There was something defensive in his tone and if Nihlus hadn't been here, she'd have pushed further. But his eyes were pleading behind Saren's shoulder and she bit into her lip. Maybe Nihlus was right. Maybe it was better to just try again and get it right this time.

She nodded and let herself be drawn in, and put her arms around Saren.

He wrapped an arm around her, carefully, but without hesitation. His other hand came up, reaching back over his shoulder to cradle Nihlus' mandible in a strangely delicate gesture.

Nihlus closed his eyes in obvious delight, then opened them again, and his expression turned roguish. His fingers started working on the catches of Saren's suit unhurriedly. She joined in, and Saren didn't seem to mind, though he was still tense. He twitched when Nihlus caressed his collar. Shepard's hands slid down over his sides to rest on his waist, and at that, she heard a sharp intake of air.

It was strange. His body was familiar enough for her to be certain he was enjoying their attentions, but there was an unmistakable tension in him telling her that whatever it had been that had sent him into full retreat the last time, was still there.

She kept her touch light, slow, and very gentle, felt him respond, although he was still distant, holding back. Nihlus' dark hands moved slowly over silver plates and hide, and she marvelled at the tenderness of it: a slow, gentle coaxing, never a demand. Patience wasn't one of Nihlus' strong suits, and yet he seemed perfectly content with the way things were at this moment. He wasn't asking for anything or pushing for anything. He was merely offering. It was up to Saren to decide where and how far this would go. She took her cue from that, mapping the terrain of Saren's body in the same slow, careful manner.

Nihlus knew him better, of course, but she was still uneasy about how to handle this. "Saren," she said softly. "Even I can tell you're anything but relaxed. Whatever's bothering you, it isn't something that has to be resolved here and now. Do you want us to stop?"

His eyes widened as he stared at her, and there were too many conflicting emotions in them for her to decipher. But his answer was clear enough. He shook his head.

Nihlus nipped at Saren's shoulder, then nuzzled the back of his neck. Saren gave a strange, soft groan, tensing again, and she felt his muscles harden under her grip. She stilled, pausing to reach for his mandible, and was just drawing breath to say something to reassure him, when he suddenly let his face fall in her hand and from the way he suddenly went rigid, then slowly relaxed again, she was sure that Nihlus had closed his teeth around Saren's neck.

Saren seemed calm, but the tension was still present in his frame and even his face, an unfamiliar line around the roots of his mandibles. She finally recognised it as uneasiness, and saw it grow, not lessen, as she caressed his cheek. His body was more than ready to enjoy what they were offering. His mind wasn't. The same conflict that had made him explode into sudden violence before. Only it hadn't been anger. It had never been anger.

It was fear.

Experimentally, she slid her other hand down his body, over his hip, close where Nihlus was holding him, and felt him both lean into the touch and open his mouth in a silent snarl, close it again. It served well to prove her point. He was afraid to relinquish control. He was barely tolerating Nihlus' hold on his neck, but it was an empty gesture. He didn't trust them enough to let himself fall.

She met his eyes, saw from the change in his expression that he'd registered understanding in hers, and just because she finally did understand, she was about to draw back. But Saren's arm went around her back, with more haste and less coordination than she'd ever seen in his movement. "No," he said. "Stay."

She paused, searching his face. "You sure about that?"

Something strange was in his eyes, as his mandibles twitched again, and she could almost see him fighting to find the words and failing. "Don't make me choose," he whispered in the end.

The words were borrowed from Nihlus, but she understood what he was trying to say. Apparently Nihlus understood as well, because he let out a deep growl, and his grip on Saren's neck shifted a bit higher.

Saren drew a quick breath, but let himself be drawn back against Nihlus, a shiver running through his frame.

The tone of Nihlus' growl became deeper, a gentle, almost calming note in it. Then he angled his hips and brought their bodies together in a slow, inevitable slide.

Another soundless snarl again escaped Saren, but this time Shepard was sure it was pleasure. He arched against her, and she slid herself down his hardened length.

She bit down on her own moan and focused on him, his soft gasps and half-suppressed clenching of his fingers, tensing, then relaxing on her back, the tips of his claws a fine pinprick.

They kept their pace slow, a gentle rocking rhythm. Nihlus was rumbling, and Saren was responding. His eyes were unfocused, and he made a strange sound that wasn't quite a whimper before closing them. The tension was draining from his body; he was pliant in their arms despite the tough plates. When she kissed the side of his neck, he leaned into the caress without any hesitation, and probably without thinking. He hadn't let her touch his neck before, but now he seemed to relish it.

She knew unconditional surrender when she saw it, and she thought that she should have felt some triumph or satisfaction, but all she felt was something tender, almost protective.

"It's all right," she murmured into the side of his neck. "You can let yourself fall. We'll catch you."

He didn't reply. She could feel him trembling between them, a different sort of tension running through him now, and he wasn't trying to hide or suppress it. He didn't do things half-way, not even this, and that surrender had been to the both of them.

She just held on to him, trying to control her own mounting passion, relying on Nihlus to make the final step. His hands trailed down to Saren's hips, taking a firmer grip, and Saren shivered, a soft whisper, barely more than a breath, stuck in his throat. "Please..."

The tone of that tore at her in a way she couldn't name, and she found herself answering without thinking. "It's fine. Let go. We've got you."

Some strange instinct made her follow the words with a gentle bite to his neck, the way she had Nihlus seen do, her fingers curling into his collar. One of Nihlus' hands was suddenly at the small of her back, drawing her closer, onto Saren, holding them together as he picked up his pace. The sudden pressure made her bite back a groan. No. Not yet. This wasn't about her needs.

Nihlus made a sudden, sharp thrust, and Saren pushed into her with a startled exhale. Then his head fell back, rolling helplessly on Nihlus' shoulder.

Do what you want with me.

She did take advantage of exposed skin and pressed a soft kiss on Saren's throat, then draw back. He groaned, his whole body straining. When he finally broke, it was like a crack in ice, and all she could do was clinging tight as she watched him come apart.

She had expected him to moan the way Nihlus often did, or at least snarl in that deep tone as she had heard from him before, but he was quiet. His eyes were closed. A chain of violent shudders ran through his frame, setting off explosions of pleasure in her own nerves, but she was completely focused on him, entirely absorbed in watching his face, and something in it suddenly struck her as beautiful. Perhaps she was finally seeing what Nihlus always had.

Nihlus snarled and she knew he was at the breaking point. Saren lifted his head, and his eyes opened, a dreamy haze slowly receding as he looked at her. He rumbled and pulled her even closer. His hand slid down, and the touch reawakened her desire, a fiery trail down to her core. Desire turned into desperate need in a heartbeat as his fingers found the spot where she needed to be touched with the precision he showed in anything he did, and his low rumbling, of the sort she'd only heard from Nihlus so far, urged her to let go.

It's fine. I got you.

All reason abandoned her, and she settled in his arms, face pressed into his collar. He leaned his head over her shoulder, mandibles twitching against her skin. She clung to him as his thumb grazed over her clit in a rhythm that was driving her crazy. There was nothing left but the blinding rush of aching desire, the feeling of his fingers against her. She was too far gone to think, and maybe so was he, because he turned his head sideways and took her nape between his teeth in that odd caress she had seen him share with Nihlus. Whether it was the touch itself or the implication she knew it to hold, the gentle pressure of his teeth was like an electric current running through her nerves.

For a timeless moment, she was balanced on the edge, beyond speech, beyond anything, then his grip tightened, and one final, confident stroke sent her over.

She only had enough air left to gasp as the orgasm washed over her like a wave, sweeping her consciousness clear of anything but the pure sensation, and she welcomed it. With a strangled moan, she collapsed on Saren's chest, let herself be held with that strange, surprising tenderness, as her body shuddered through the aftershocks.

He turned on his side, towards Nihlus, taking her with him, and then Nihlus' arm wrapped around her as well. Shepard had to smile as he rumbled close to her ear and nuzzled the back of her neck affectionately.

Still pressed against Saren's chest, she felt a faint vibration. She looked up, but Nihlus was already reaching over with his free arm, drawing Saren's head in and pressing their foreheads together. The touch was very light, but Saren's breath hitched. The rumble became audible for a few breaths, then faded away into silence.

Nihlus chuckled. "You're out of practice."

"That's the best I can do."

"I'm not complaining." Nihlus kept contact for a moment longer, then released him.

Shepard studied Saren's face. She had seen him in all sorts of moods before, but this was new. His eyes were half-closed, his features relaxed, his mandibles drooping. He was more than calm. He was... at peace.