"I'm really sorry I had to leave you to fend for yourself. That Erikson guy just wouldn't stop talking." That was all that Holly had thought about, while Ned Erikson went on and on about... she wants to say wine? She didn't remember, or rather, she didn't really listen in the first place and just applied the nod and smile technique while her mind was preoccupied with how Gail was doing and how she could get the guy to shut up without being impolite. He was a good friend of Bill's after all.
"Don't worry. Elaine came to my rescue." She turned towards Holly and smiled, letting her know it was ok, before her eyes drifted off in thought. "Huh. There's a sentence I never thought I'd say." She chuckled and Holly gave her a relieved smile.
"She's not the woman you remember her to be. You should give her a chance." Holly had basically only seen various stages of the understanding, warm, loving and supportive person that Elaine had slowly become. After a few awkward, uncomfortable encounters in the very beginning of their relationship, Gail had successfully shielded Holly from Elaine's inappropriate behaviour, her disapproval and her outbursts, until she was sure that Elaine had come around. She mostly knew the old Elaine from Gail's stories. And while she resented her for everything that had done to Gail, as Gail slowly broke free from her mother's hold, came to terms with the past and started forgiving and even understanding Elaine, so did she. Having witnessed that process up close, she knew that Elaine deserved to get back to where they had been. They both did.
Gail shook her head and pressed it into the headrest, chuckling.
"What?" Holly asked with curiosity.
"Nothing. It's just... this whole big happy family thing. It's really confusing. It's weird. I don't really know what to make of it." She turned back to look at Holly. The chuckle was gone, the lightness in Gail's voice, and Holly saw the underlying insecurity creeping back up in Gail, her family another reminder that she found herself in a reality, in a life, that was mostly foreign to her.
Holly grabbed Gail's hand, resting on her thigh, and squeezed it lightly. "Just give it time. Give yourself time to figure it all out. No-one is going anywhere." Gail closed her eyes, letting the warmth of Holly's hand envelop hers. She opened her eyes again, seeking out Holly's.
"What about you?" Her voice was barely a whisper, her face laced with such insecurity and shyness that it broke Holly's heart.
"What about me?" The brunette questioned.
"Are you... going... anywhere?" She could hardly bring herself to say it. But she had to know. The conversation with her mother only confirmed what she already knew deep down. That she simply needed Holly. Not in the literal sense of the word, maybe. Gail had been a loner once, and she could be again. But she didn't want to. She knew that everything would be easier, more beautiful, more meaningful, with Holly in her life.
Holly turned towards Gail, tilting her head to the side, urging her to believe her, to lose the doubt.
"Gail. I'm right here." She resisted the urge to take Gail's hand into hers once again, resisted the urge to run her fingers through her hair, down her cheeks, kiss her soft lips. Just like she had done for months now.
"Thank you. Thank you for coming tonight. Thank you for... everything." Holly gave her her best smile.
"Of course, Gail. Anytime." Gail nodded gratefully.
"Can we sit here, for a little bit?" - "Sure" Holly replied, and Gail let her head fall back into the headrest, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes.
She loved sharing the silence with Holly. She could feel the warmth of Holly's body to her left, could feel her presence, the soft and attentive gaze she let roam over the blonde. She focused on her breathing, Holly's breathing. And there it was again. The Holly effect. The spinning stopped and for a few moments, everything falling into place seemed perfectly within reach. She could just reach out to her left and take Holly's hand in hers, she thought. She thought, but she didn't.
It was moments like these when she let go of all of her frustrations with Gail. Moments in which every part of her knew what her head was telling her all the time. That Gail was just a victim of circumstance, that she didn't know any better when she acted all distant or even dismissive, that not knowing any better tore her apart inside, and that the way out of this predicament was not an easy one to find and to walk on. Moments in which she knew that Gail felt it too, in some capacity at least. That she felt that, somehow, they were right together.
Gail let out a sigh that pulled them both out of their thoughts and they went back to staring out the window at Steve and Traci's house. After a few more moments in silence, Gail turned toward Holly.
"What do you want to do?" Holly had a feeling that Gail still needed something else, that she wasn't ready yet to call it a day.
"I don't know. I just don't want to go in there yet." She pressed the back of her head into the headrest again.
"How about a movie?" Holly suggested, and Gail agreed.
Neither of them moved when the credits started rolling. And when the screen went black, and then switched back to the main menu, Gail still remained motionless. She let her head fall back and breathed in and out deeply several times. "Holly?" It sounded like a genuine question, like its purpose was to determine whether she was still there, given that Gail could not see her since she was currently staring at the ceiling.
"Yes." Was the simple answer Holly gave her.
"I'm sick of being a burden to everyone." She lifted her head and looked at Holly.
"Gail..." the brunette interrupted, but was cut off herself.
"No. It's true. Just look at Steve and Traci. I've been living in their house for months now. And I know they say they don't mind, but the truth is, they haven't really had a night to themselves in ages. Or you. I made you go to this dreadful party just because I didn't want to go alone. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I know it sucks, what happened to me. Blah blah. But shouldn't I be able to manage my life on my own? I mean, I'm a grown woman." She shook her head at herself.
"Gail, I loved being there tonight with you." Holly tried to reaffirm the blonde.
"Please. Nobody likes being at these parties. Not even my mother, apparently." Gail just snorted.
"That's not what I said, Gail. I said, I loved being there with you."
"Oh." Gail's streak of snark quickly turned into shy bewilderment.
"And I am fairly certain that Steve and Traci really don't mind having you. They love you. A lot of people do. And they... We... are all happy to help in whichever way we can. Really. But if you feel like you want to give them some space... There's... a guest room?" She pointed upstairs as she hesitantly made the offer. She didn't want to cross a line.
"Yeah, and then I'm bothering you here." Gail retorted with a shrug.
"Gail." Holly shook her head and looked at the blonde admonishingly. She hoped she would understand all the things she wanted her to know but didn't dare say out loud. That Gail could never be a bother. That the only bother was her not being here. That she missed her every second of every day. That being close to her, whether it was at a stiff and boring birthday party or sleeping in the next room, made it just a little easier to breathe.
After a few moments of silence, Gail spoke again.
"Do you have a spare toothbrush?" A grin slowly spread on both their faces and Holly set up the guest room for Gail.
... ... ...
Holly was sitting at the kitchen counter, skimming through the newspaper, and sipping her coffee, when Gail padded into the kitchen on naked feet.
"Good morning." she said, and waved shyly at Holly, who couldn't help but stare and smile in awe. This had always been one of her favourite versions of Gail. Well, truth be told, every version of Gail was one of her favourites in some way. But this one, it was one of those that Holly knew were just for her. The one just after waking up, pure and innocent and vulnerable. Her hair messy and her eyes still sleepy. A little shy, quiet, at peace. Contemplative and pristine, like an empty canvas waiting with bright eyes to be filled with beauty. She had spent many nights at the frat house with Gail to know that it was a completely different picture when other people were around. Then she was grumpy Gail, who made a point of letting everyone know she was not a morning person, dealing out snarky comments, snorting and huffing and grunting at every question that was directed at her.
But when it was just the two of them, and Holly was up earlier than Gail – which, truth be told, happened less and less, since Gail's arguments of staying in bed were nothing if not persuasive, but when it did, it was all the more beautiful – everything was different. Holly would sit there reading, sometimes working, finishing up a report, or just surfing the Internet. Gail would pad into the kitchen in her tousled beauty, get a cup of coffee and watch Holly in peaceful happiness for a while. Holly would just stare and smile back, taking in the effortless beauty that was Gail, until the blonde would walk over to her, set down her mug, wrap her arms around her, kiss her, and whisper good morning.
Today, Gail wasn't all tousled and unkempt. She had obviously fixed her hair a bit and washed her face. But she still felt comfortable enough to stay in her pyjamas, without any make-up, barefoot, in no condition to run in case she would be overwhelmed by the urge.
"Good morning." Holly smiled back. "Did you sleep well?"
"Oh, yeah!" It wasn't really true. In fact, Gail felt like she hadn't slept at all, her mind going in circles, thinking about Holly, what her mother said, what was going on inside her, and Holly again. Holly's night was spent in similar fashion, thinking about the blonde, about how she was just in the next room, about her conversation with Steve, about how this was certainly progress. Or so she hoped.
"Coffee?" Gail pointed at the coffee-maker and silently scolded herself for stating the obvious.
"Help yourself." Holly nodded.
She stood in front of the coffee maker, and her had immediately went up to open the cupboard door to her left, behind which she miraculously found... mugs! She got out one of the mugs and regarded it thoughtfully for a few seconds, knitting her eyebrows together, before filling it with coffee. Holly watched the scene attentively and smirked. Muscle memory.
Then she leaned back against the worktops and looked at Holly with those bright eyes. Open, honest, vulnerable. So beautiful. And for a few moments, Holly was reminded of what Steve said to her the day before. The way she looked at her. Like Holly was the answer to all the questions.
"You love me." For a second, Holly wasn't sure whether those words had come out of her own mouth. She hoped they hadn't. And then Gail repeated them as she saw Holly look up in doubt and question.
"You love me." Yes. That was definitely Gail. Not her. She stared at the blonde for a few seconds, before uttering a mere "Yeah" and smiling apologetically.
Gail nodded silently for a while, until Holly could see the tears rolling down her cheeks. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'm sorry I don't know what to do." She started sobbing and Holly jumped up and rounded the kitchen island until she was standing right in front of Gail. For a second she hesitated to intrude on Gail's personal space. But the moment their eyes met, oh so briefly, she knew it would be okay. She threaded her arms through the spaces between Gail's body and arms, almost as if she wanted to catch her fall. She pulled her in close and felt the strong grip of Gail's arms around her shoulders and her face press into the crook of her neck. She tried to soothe Gail, drawing circles on her back, and whispering softly.
"Hey. Shh. Hey. It's alright, Gail. You're doing everything you can. It's alright." It must have been a few minutes before Gail's sobs died down and she let go of Holly, awkwardly wiping away the last tears and trying to hide her face. Holly knew that, while she welcomed the consoling embrace, what Gail needed now was space, what she needed was to not feel like someone was watching her in all her weakness, so she began preparing breakfast. They ate mostly in silence at first, before they recalled scenes and conversations from the previous night, sharing laughs and giggles about them. Little by little, Gail's inner tension was eased and they ended up sharing random stories from the past weeks and months, lounging comfortably on Holly's sofa. On their sofa.
When the time came for Gail to leave, she realised, once again, that it was harder than she thought it would be. Harder than she thought it should be. She was on the verge of asking Holly whether she could stay another night, but opted against it, not wanting to overstrain Holly's selfless patience. As if she could hear Gail's thoughts, when Gail was about to step out the door, she held her back by the arm.
"Gail."
"Hm?" The blonde turned around slowly.
"You know you're always welcome here, right?" Gail smiled shyly.
"Thanks." She nodded and was just about to turn back around, when Holly spoke up again.
"What I mean is, I know this is weird for you, but this..." she pointed to the to the space opening up behind her "... this is just as much your place as it is mine. Just that I've been spending a little more time here lately than you have." She smirked. "You... You have a key you know? So whenever you feel like it, I want you to use it. Okay? Whatever it is you want. Whether you just want to be by yourself, or you want some distraction, or whatever." She detected the appeasing look on Gail's face. The one that said this is nice and all, but you don't need to say that. "I'm serious, Gail. You don't need to ask. Just... Come around. Okay?"
"Okay." Gail whispered and nodded, and they both knew it wasn't true. She wouldn't just show up, come around, whenever she felt like it. Holly nodded in response nevertheless before she let Gail go.