A/N: So, it has been a long time since I've last updated, and apologies for that.
Eragon was waiting patiently as he could while Angela flipped through the books. And by flip through, I mean really flip through. She was done with one in around two minutes.
"Can you really read that fast?" Eragon asked.
"Sure," Angela said. "And it only compromises on quality a little. So, after reading these books, I've reached the conclusion that Galbatorix is your father, Rhunon is your mother, Orik is your fourth cousin thrice removed or third cousin fourth removed, and Roran is going to turn into a vigilante superhero."
"It all makes sense now," Eragon said, the sarcasm dripping from his voice.
At that moment though, the door to the shop opened up and You're The Best began playing out of some speakers while a black cat wearing shades walked up to Eragon, and then took off the shades as something exploded behind him in the street.
"Did you just blow up someone's property so you could do that and make an entrance?" Eragon asked. "You do realize that's arson, don't you?"
Pretty much, Solembum answered. Take this.
Solembum handed Eragon a 'Get Out of Jail Free Card', as in one from the game Monopoly.
If you hand it over to the police department, they'll be forced to let you go.
Eragon was about to protest that that made no sense at all, but considering what he had seen about the police department up till now, he didn't doubt it.
Solembub then handed Eragon a coupon for the Menoa Tree Tourist Shop, as well a card that said, 'Deus Ex Machina' on it.
"What's a duck ec machine?" Eragon asked.
It's pronounced, oh never mind. Basically it means that when you're in trouble and you have no possible way out of it-
"But that happens in literally every single chapter," Eragon complained.
SILENCE WENCH! Solembum screamed. Now, as I was saying, it will allow you to pull out something unbelievably powerful out of nowhere just when you think that you're going to lose.
"Won't that disappoint the readers?" Eragon asked.
Sure, Solembum said. But I think Christopher Paolini probably thought that he couldn't possibly annoy readers with that more than he had by approving Eragon the movie, so there.
"Right," Eragon said. "By the way, why aren't you wearing any clothes?"
Dude, I'm a cat. Cats don't wear clothes.
"Yeah," Eragon said. "But you're like a magical talking cat. Clothes are too big for dragons, but you guys should be wearing overalls and black top hats and stuff."
Solembum's eyes widened as he processed this. Wait a minute. I've been nude my entire life! That nightmare people have of suddenly standing in front of your class not wearing anything, I've been living that for years.
Solembum then began running wildly in circles, and finally hit his head against a wall and collapsed, unconscious.
Angela frowned. "You nearly killed my cat!"
"I thought he wasn't your property and all," Eragon replied, poking Solembum with his toe to make sure that he was alright.
"Sure he wasn't, but that doesn't mean that you could kill him," Angela replied.
"He isn't dead," Eragon replied. "Can you heal him with magic?"
"Nah," Angela said. "I only know herbs and some other forms of black magic, though not too well."
"That's racist," Eragon said.
"What's racist?" Angela asked.
"You talked about black magic along with witchcraft and made it sound bad," Eragon said. "While everyone talks about white magic like it's good and all. That's racist, you know, putting whites above blacks and stuff."
"No it isn't," Angela said. "That's just how it is!"
"Spoken like a true racist," Eragon muttered.
"Come on now," Angela said. "The Inheritance Cycle is not a series of racist books."
"On the contrary," Eragon said, trying to sound smart (and obviously failing at it) "I will have you know that I've read the books quite thoroughly, and can say that there are certain passages of racism in them."
"Really?"
And so, rather than do something relevant to the plot like trying to actually tell Eragon's fortune, Angela and Eragon decided to spend four hours talking about whether or not the Inheritance Cycle had hidden elements of racism in it. Their debate essentially went like this:
"There is no racism," Angela said. "I mean, look, Azihad and Nasuada are leaders of the Varden, and they're black- I mean people of color."
"Just because Obama's president doesn't mean that racism isn't there," Eragon countered. "I mean, some of the members of the wandering tribes are depicted as having weird accents and their own language and stuff, and most of the slaves sold in the Empire, are black as a matter of fact."
"That really doesn't prove anything."
"Yeah, but what about Shruikan?" Eragon asked. "I mean, he's a black dragon, and he's pretty much the only black dragon we've heard of, and he's evil."
"He isn't evil," Angela replied. "He's being forced to do it against his will… wait…"
"So, you're saying that Shruikan, a black dragon has to be evil," Eragon said. "Contrast that with the white dragons mentioned in the book. There's that dragon who nobody can name who signed a peace treaty with the elves."
"Well, that's just one-"
"But you're forgetting that Umaroth, Vrael's dragon, was also white," Eragon said. "So, both the white dragons in the Inheritance Cycle are good."
Angela's eyes widened. "I-I can't believe it! This entire book series had hidden elements of racism, and they were right there! I mean, they were in front of me the whole time and I didn't even notice!"
Eragon nodded. "Well at least now your eyes are open. I think I should be leaving now."
"Wait!" Angela replied. "Don't you want your real fortune told? Or don't you want to hear about the other people who I've told fortunes to, a woman named Selena?"
Eragon stopped right in his tracks. "Mommy was here?"
"She was your mother?" Angela asked. She crossed her arms. "Prove it."
"Oh, luckily I always carry my passport, birth certificate, and adoption certificate with me all the time," Eragon said and handed them over to Angela. "Plus, Garrow was sure that I was too stupid to be related to him so he had me DNA tested, and I have that result too."
"Well, I suppose I can tell you what I told her then," Angela said. "Basically, I said that she would lead a fabulous, but rather short life with someone important and ultimately fall in love with a Dragon Rider. But then, I also told her that she would give birth to perhaps the most useless person in all of history."
Eragon hung his head. "Wait, my dad was a Dragon Rider?"
"Maybe?" Angela said. "I'll be honest with you kid, fortune telling is just a sham. I just said whatever hit my fancy."
Eragon left the shop after that, when he suddenly heard a scream.
"Run! RUN! ERAGON RUN!" Brom shouted out, who was being closely followed by Jeod.
"Run from what?" Eragon asked as suddenly an arrow appeared out of nowhere and landed around two inches from his head. Eragon took a good look at what was following Brom and Jeod: It appeared to involve half the soldiers in Teirm, several angry people, about a dozen dogs, three dozen cats, and half a dozen clowns.
The clowns scared Eragon the most.
Eragon started running after Brom and Jeod as more arrows were fired. "What did you do to make them all this mad?"
"It's a long story!" Brom replied. "Just keep running for now!"
"We have to find a pizza store," Jeod said.
"Why?" Eragon asked.
"Don't you know?" Jeod asked. "If you're chased by the police, and you hide in a pizza shop for five minutes, then they leave you."
"That only works in Grand Theft Auto you morons!" Eragon shouted at the two of them.
Brom frowned. "Wait, that's a game for people older than eighteen. You're not even sixteen yet."
"This isn't about me! They're all catching up!" Eragon said.
"Time to use my special trick," Jeod said and took out a box of doughnuts which he threw back at the crowd.
Eragon craned his neck to see that their pursuers were busy fighting what looked like a mini-war over the doughnuts.
They eventually did find a pizza shop for that matter, in which they stayed for five minutes. Apparently, according to Teirm law, that meant that the police had to let them go, which left Eragon once again wondering what was wrong with the world.
Once he was done with that, Eragon went up to the counter and said, "I'd like a Happy Meal with an extra Happy."
"Sir," the cashier said, "we are a pizza store, not a McDonald's. Also, we do not work for the Yerk Empire."
"If you did work for the Yerk Empire, that's exactly what you'd say," Eragon said with an accusing tone. The cashier sighed.
"Eragon, if you're getting a Happy Meal, I want to keep the toy," Brom said.
"We don't sell Happy Meals," the cashier said. "And there is definitely not a huge pool being irradiated with kandrona rays beneath this restaurant."
Fifteen minutes later, Brom, Eragon, and Jeod were munching on pizza slices.
"So," Eragon said. "Why were those people after you again."
Brom said, "It involves a circus troupe, seventeen bushels of silver, three courtesans, five boxes of Oreos, a-"
"I've heard enough," Eragon said. "I don't even want to know what happened."
"But, we have good news on tracking the Ra'zac and finding their lair," Brom said.
Eragon frowned. "Why do we want to hunt Team Ra'zac? They're just a bunch of comic relief characters?"
"Well, we do need to move the plot along," Brom said. "Plus, there's this huge Oreos contest in Dras Leona which we should visit anyway."
"You know where the Ra'zac's Lair is?" Eragon asked.
"They weren't hard to find," Brom said. He handed Eragon a pamphlet which was a recruitment offer from Team Ra'zac who were looking for an animal mascot to join them.
"Interested candidates are to come to Dras Leona, near Helgrind," Eragon read the last line. "So we go there?"
"Sure why not?" Brom asked. "Only thing is that Jeod wants to join us, but he has an extensive criminal history so we kind of need to sneak into the main citadel and burn all those records about him."
"You're telling me he's coming with us?" Eragon asked.
"Yup," Jeod said. "By the way, don't worry, I'll pay for everything, you know, that we're eating."
"What are you, rich?" Eragon asked.
"Pretty much," Brom said. "His wife divorced him but is currently paying him alimony."
"Then why are you going around living in a hovel and stealing stuff?" Eragon asked.
Jeod shrugged and said, "Just because."
A/N: And that ends this chapter. If you're wondering, no I don't really think the Inheritance Cycle is racist but it was fun to point those things out. Thanks for reading, and do review if you liked.