Kiros and Ward's Guide to Finding the Perfect Job.
Greetings, young person! If you're reading this, you're currently looking for a good way to make some quick spending money. I, of course, am Kiros Seagill, a high-ranking official on President Laguna Loire's staff. This is my little sidekick Ward Zabac, the renowned motivational speaker. Say hi to the people, Ward...
"..."
Oh, wait, I forgot that whole..."mute" thing. My bad. Well, at the very least, I have covered my ass on this...
"..."
No, it's NOT the first time I've ever covered my ass, Ward...Well, anyway, since we are high-ranking officials in a very powerful government, and because Alan Smithee's apparently giving us a higher budget than normal to get people to read these, I've managed to find some people to do the talking for Ward. I give you...Kaientai!
"Hahahaha! Thank you, Kiros! We will be certain to give you some good voices for your friend in this guide! You paid us nicely, so you can trust us, even if...WE ARE EVIL!"
"INDEED."
Okay, then. Let's go to the first option for young people:
THE LEMONADE STAND.
Ah, yes. Who didn't start out as kids with a lemonade stand? I remember this stuff like it was yesterday...Um, could you cue up that old-school funk...now?
"Excuse me, mister?" Aw, aren't I cute?
"What would you like, little boy?"
"HAHAHA! YOU will buy this lemonade from us, or we will have to hurt you!"
"INDEED...."
Hold up! Wait one goddamn second! Ward's not in this flashback! This is only me!
"Not a chance. Our agent negotiated us pieces in all of these options. YOU WILL DEAL."
"INDEED."
Oh, all right, all right, Ward's in it too... Just don't touch anything...
"Oh, lemonade? That's fine...Here's a nickel for each of you...."
"Thank you, mister man..."
"Oh, all right....HEY! WHICH ONE OF YOU LITTLE SHITS PISSED IN THIS LEMONADE?"
"HAHAHA! YOU SHOULD NOT TRUST US, BECAUSE AFTER ALL: WE ARE EVIL!"
"INDEED."
As you can see, my...COHORTS...screwed me over, causing me to lose a large portion of our fanbase. I tried to tinker with the thing a little bit, but I have no records...
"NEW CAR FOR SALE! UM, 10 DOLLARS OR BEST OFFER!"
"BABY SISTER FOR SALE! 25 CENTS!"
"OLDER SISTER FOR RENT! 1 DOLLAR PER BASE!"
Hey! Where did those come from?
"We told you, you shouldn't trust us! WE ARE EVIL!"
"INDEED."
Well, anyway, that only works for so long. Eventually, you have to get something that will actually cause you to need to work...
THE PAPER ROUTE.
This can have its pros and cons. On one hand, you get to make more money than any Lemonade stand will give you. On the other hand, you'll need to wake up at 3:30 in the morning to deliver the fucking things. This can lead to some heavy problems, as you'll see here...
"Now, class, who can tell us the answer for number 4...Kiros?"
"Tee hee hee...I am Selphie...Aren't I pretty? All the boys like me because I am so pretty..."
"KIROS SEAGILL, I NEED THE ANSWER NOW! DIDN'T YOU DO THE HOMEWORK?"
"But...doing math makes boys not like you!"
".Okay, who can solve this...Ward?"
"I Swear on Mount Greyskull the answer is 42!"
"INDEED."
"That's correct, Ward! Someone obviously did the homework..."
As you can see, this job didn't last me too long. It wasn't until I got a little bit older that I got a different job...
THE LOW-EXCITEMENT JOB.
Everyone has to have some bad jobs in their careers. Fortunately, that's what High school is for. Here are some examples of the most well-known of these jobs....(Don't worry. You'll get this job no matter what, so it's not necessary...)
"Welcome to Burger Matic, may I take your order?"
"HAHAHA! YOU WILL GIVE ME A NUMBER 3 VALUE MEAL, SUPER-SIZED."
"INDEED."
"You like this stuff? Try it on this side! Just take an application, big man!"
"HAHAHA! YOU WILL ENJOY THIS MEAL, AMERICAN PIG OF DOG!"
"INDEED."
"Congratulations, Ward! Here's a promotion! Kiros, go clean up the bathrooms, why don'tcha?"
Now, this is where I jobbed this one...
"NO, I WILL NOT MAKE OUT WITH YOU!"
"WHAT ARE YOU TRYING HERE, SEAGILL? YOU'RE FIRED!"
I just KNEW that'd work... Well, anyway, we're up to the mid-level job. It's probably around here that we should give you...
THE INTERVIEW: HOW TO ACE IT.
I've gotten a few candidates for an Internship opening in the President's office. Let's look at their pre-qualifications...
X:
A Chicken-Wuss.
Y:
Little teenybopper chick.
Z:
KAIENTAI.
Let's just see their Interviews...
"Ah, Mr. X, I see you've got some good qualifications...Friend to the President's son...Good fighter...Channeled Ward here a couple of times... Pretty good stuff. What can you bring to the office?"
"Well, I'll do whatever is necessary, I have good people skills..."
"Thank you. We'll be in touch."
Interview: Seemed too...Needy. Show some backbone.
"Well, Ms.Y, what made you want to be an intern here?"
"I WANNA SUCK ON SIR LAGUNA'S DICK!"
Interview: Laguna liked her, but I always hope for someone who actually is willing to work. Not passing.
"YOU WILL GIVE US THE JOB! WE WILL WORK! WE ARE EVIL!"
"INDEED."
Interview: Forceful. Knew what they wanted. GOT THE JOB.
Oh, what was my point? Oh, yeah. This one time, me, Ward, and Laguna were out trolling for some ladies, and this one chick starts coming on to Ward here, only Laguna saw she had that Adam's apple thing going on from a mile away, right? But Ward here was actually interested, right...?
"..."
What? Jobs? Well, I guess we're done on that. They know how to get jobs, don't they?
"INDEED..."
That's right. INDEED.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Note from the author:
Job advice? Don't go with it. Just wait for what you truly want to do. Everything else will fire you, lay you off, break your heart, or some mixture.
OTHER TIPS:
DO NOT hire KAIENTAI to do voices for Ward.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Greetings, young person! If you're reading this, you're currently looking for a good way to make some quick spending money. I, of course, am Kiros Seagill, a high-ranking official on President Laguna Loire's staff. This is my little sidekick Ward Zabac, the renowned motivational speaker. Say hi to the people, Ward...
"..."
Oh, wait, I forgot that whole..."mute" thing. My bad. Well, at the very least, I have covered my ass on this...
"..."
No, it's NOT the first time I've ever covered my ass, Ward...Well, anyway, since we are high-ranking officials in a very powerful government, and because Alan Smithee's apparently giving us a higher budget than normal to get people to read these, I've managed to find some people to do the talking for Ward. I give you...Kaientai!
"Hahahaha! Thank you, Kiros! We will be certain to give you some good voices for your friend in this guide! You paid us nicely, so you can trust us, even if...WE ARE EVIL!"
"INDEED."
Okay, then. Let's go to the first option for young people:
THE LEMONADE STAND.
Ah, yes. Who didn't start out as kids with a lemonade stand? I remember this stuff like it was yesterday...Um, could you cue up that old-school funk...now?
"Excuse me, mister?" Aw, aren't I cute?
"What would you like, little boy?"
"HAHAHA! YOU will buy this lemonade from us, or we will have to hurt you!"
"INDEED...."
Hold up! Wait one goddamn second! Ward's not in this flashback! This is only me!
"Not a chance. Our agent negotiated us pieces in all of these options. YOU WILL DEAL."
"INDEED."
Oh, all right, all right, Ward's in it too... Just don't touch anything...
"Oh, lemonade? That's fine...Here's a nickel for each of you...."
"Thank you, mister man..."
"Oh, all right....HEY! WHICH ONE OF YOU LITTLE SHITS PISSED IN THIS LEMONADE?"
"HAHAHA! YOU SHOULD NOT TRUST US, BECAUSE AFTER ALL: WE ARE EVIL!"
"INDEED."
As you can see, my...COHORTS...screwed me over, causing me to lose a large portion of our fanbase. I tried to tinker with the thing a little bit, but I have no records...
"NEW CAR FOR SALE! UM, 10 DOLLARS OR BEST OFFER!"
"BABY SISTER FOR SALE! 25 CENTS!"
"OLDER SISTER FOR RENT! 1 DOLLAR PER BASE!"
Hey! Where did those come from?
"We told you, you shouldn't trust us! WE ARE EVIL!"
"INDEED."
Well, anyway, that only works for so long. Eventually, you have to get something that will actually cause you to need to work...
THE PAPER ROUTE.
This can have its pros and cons. On one hand, you get to make more money than any Lemonade stand will give you. On the other hand, you'll need to wake up at 3:30 in the morning to deliver the fucking things. This can lead to some heavy problems, as you'll see here...
"Now, class, who can tell us the answer for number 4...Kiros?"
"Tee hee hee...I am Selphie...Aren't I pretty? All the boys like me because I am so pretty..."
"KIROS SEAGILL, I NEED THE ANSWER NOW! DIDN'T YOU DO THE HOMEWORK?"
"But...doing math makes boys not like you!"
".Okay, who can solve this...Ward?"
"I Swear on Mount Greyskull the answer is 42!"
"INDEED."
"That's correct, Ward! Someone obviously did the homework..."
As you can see, this job didn't last me too long. It wasn't until I got a little bit older that I got a different job...
THE LOW-EXCITEMENT JOB.
Everyone has to have some bad jobs in their careers. Fortunately, that's what High school is for. Here are some examples of the most well-known of these jobs....(Don't worry. You'll get this job no matter what, so it's not necessary...)
"Welcome to Burger Matic, may I take your order?"
"HAHAHA! YOU WILL GIVE ME A NUMBER 3 VALUE MEAL, SUPER-SIZED."
"INDEED."
"You like this stuff? Try it on this side! Just take an application, big man!"
"HAHAHA! YOU WILL ENJOY THIS MEAL, AMERICAN PIG OF DOG!"
"INDEED."
"Congratulations, Ward! Here's a promotion! Kiros, go clean up the bathrooms, why don'tcha?"
Now, this is where I jobbed this one...
"NO, I WILL NOT MAKE OUT WITH YOU!"
"WHAT ARE YOU TRYING HERE, SEAGILL? YOU'RE FIRED!"
I just KNEW that'd work... Well, anyway, we're up to the mid-level job. It's probably around here that we should give you...
THE INTERVIEW: HOW TO ACE IT.
I've gotten a few candidates for an Internship opening in the President's office. Let's look at their pre-qualifications...
X:
A Chicken-Wuss.
Y:
Little teenybopper chick.
Z:
KAIENTAI.
Let's just see their Interviews...
"Ah, Mr. X, I see you've got some good qualifications...Friend to the President's son...Good fighter...Channeled Ward here a couple of times... Pretty good stuff. What can you bring to the office?"
"Well, I'll do whatever is necessary, I have good people skills..."
"Thank you. We'll be in touch."
Interview: Seemed too...Needy. Show some backbone.
"Well, Ms.Y, what made you want to be an intern here?"
"I WANNA SUCK ON SIR LAGUNA'S DICK!"
Interview: Laguna liked her, but I always hope for someone who actually is willing to work. Not passing.
"YOU WILL GIVE US THE JOB! WE WILL WORK! WE ARE EVIL!"
"INDEED."
Interview: Forceful. Knew what they wanted. GOT THE JOB.
Oh, what was my point? Oh, yeah. This one time, me, Ward, and Laguna were out trolling for some ladies, and this one chick starts coming on to Ward here, only Laguna saw she had that Adam's apple thing going on from a mile away, right? But Ward here was actually interested, right...?
"..."
What? Jobs? Well, I guess we're done on that. They know how to get jobs, don't they?
"INDEED..."
That's right. INDEED.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Note from the author:
Job advice? Don't go with it. Just wait for what you truly want to do. Everything else will fire you, lay you off, break your heart, or some mixture.
OTHER TIPS:
DO NOT hire KAIENTAI to do voices for Ward.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________