On monday we settle this like children!"
-Zim, The Wettening
Ms. Bitters was having a rough day.
It wasn't that Dib and Zim were fighting again: They always did that, and it actually got pretty entertaining on dull days. It wasn't that the class was ignoring her, off in their own little worlds and not paying any attention to the lecture. It gave her more time to say her favorite word: "Doom, doom, doom, doom", ad nauseam. It wasn't even the horribly cheery light of the sun peeking through the glass, as she'd learned to deal with that long ago.
It was that infernal girl asking so many darn questions!
"The Western Front was the primary area for trench warfare, which-" Tenn's hand shot up, making the elderly teacher sigh, "-Yes, Tenn?"
Bitters listened to her question about the invasion of the Low Countries, silently pleading with the girl to shut up. In her mind, she was much more blunt, and she inwardly begged the girl to sit down and be quiet, while she remained stony on the outside.
Why was that girl so interested in military tactics? There was nothing Bitters enjoyed more than a healthy appetite for carnage and death, but this girl was just weird.
For starters, she seemed interested with everything: She took immaculate notes that Ms. Bitters had been forced to give an A (She gagged when she remembered that), she seemed to remember everything discussed in class, and the horrors of war Bitters made a point of reinforcing daily didn't even make her flinch.
Ms. Bitters answered her question, trying very hard to let her loathing of small children fill her voice as she described the effects of chemical weaponry. Tenn hunched back over her notebook, tongue sticking a little in concentration as she drew diagrams. Deep in the recesses of her dark mind, Ms. Bitters cursed the principal for sending her the student from Hell.
Dib noticed the strange fascination Tenn had for earthly military, but he knew the reason for it and wasn't nearly as creeped out. Though he was a bit thankful that Ms. Bitters's attention was focused on Tenn as opposed to him, he rolled his eyes every time Tenn took in a new battle strategy. Leave it to an Irken to find something worthwhile in History class, He thought, balancing his pencil on his finger.
Zim knew Tenn's reasons even more than Dib, and he was even less interested. Tenn would often dig out her notebook at tactical meetings back at the base, and bring up some human battle to see if they could use it against the invaders. Zim didn't care about those stupid meetings at all, and usually left early to get something to eat. After all, who needs tactics and strategy when you have the amazing ZIM to help you destroy stuff?
And so, they sat in Skool, none of them knowing how fast events were progressing in the wider universe. If they did, maybe they would have done something to prepare, but then again, ignorance is bliss.
Meanwhile, Lir and Vem were back in the city, out having a walk through the eternally congested streets.
"I still say it was a dumb idea." Vem grumbled, pulling a more-than-tipsy Lir behind her, "Getting in that drinking contest was stupid. I don't care if we won free French fries for a year, you could have slipped up."
"Oh, shut up, hic," Lir slurred as he followed close behind Vem, dangerously tottering from side to side, "It wash jusht a little, hic, competition… Nobody got, hic, hurt or shomething."
Vem rolled her eyes. Leave it to Lir to be the first alien to discover the wonderful effects of Earthly alcohol.
Not far down the street, Raj and Helen were out for a walk in some new 21st century clothes, enjoying the sights of a relatively modern city.
"Oh, isn't that sweet honey, the bank hasn't exploded yet!" Helen said, pointing at one of the more iconic towers on the skyline.
"Think we should buy all the postcards from the gift shop before the French Fry incident? They'll be worth a lot of money…"
"We don't need it. Besides, let's just be grateful no one got hurt, and that you didn't have anything to do with it."
Perhaps it was Fate that made the four people meet. Perhaps it was dumb luck. Perhaps God has a sense of humor.
All we can know for sure is that Lir suddenly belched, and Raj thought it was funny.
"Lir, be quiet!" Vem said, glaring at Lir, eyes occasionally flitting up to the strange man a few feet down the street who was badly attempting to stop laughing, "You're gonna get us noticed!"
"Who caresh?" Lir said, stumbling a bit, obviously very drunk, "Nobody caresh… What would they do? Hey, you," He said, jabbing a finger out at the Bihars, "You know I'm an alien? From outer space! Woooooooooo!"
Vem massaged her temples as Lir made 'spooky' noises from beyond the stars. Helen shot Raj a 'don't interact' look, which, as usual, he ignored. "That's great! You got your visa? I hear the government's cracking down on illegal aliens."
"What?" Lir said with frown, "We're illegal? Oh, that'sh great! Vem, why are we againsht the law? What did I do?"
Vem groaned. She turned towards the human couple and apologized for Lir. "I'm sorry, he's drunk." She said in a monotone, "He keeps telling everyone we're aliens."
"Becaushe we are!" Lir butted in, "I can show them the bashe! We're aliensh, by the way."
Raj grinned, ignoring another look from Helen. "That's fine. We're time travelers! We came from the past in a cyborg turtle."
Helen shot Raj an even worse look, not wanting to appear rude, Vem groaned a little, knowing this would set Lir off, and Lir grinned in naïve smile. "Really? That'sh aweshome! It'sh even more coll than thish 'Guinessh' shtuff the bartender shold me! Can I drive?"
Raj, unfazed by Lir's ever-worsening lisp, smiled cheerily and said, "Oh, sorry, I wouldn't want a drunk driver running my ship. You might crash into a telephone pole or something."
Lir frowned. "Drunk? Whatsh drunk?"
Raj cast a nervous glance back at Helen, who shrugged. Most drunk people Raj had known had either admitted that they were drunk or denied it, but he'd never actually met someone who claimed to not know what drunk meant.
"Uh… When you have to much beer, you get all klutzy and you start talking with a lisp…" Raj began uneasily.
"I'm drunk?" Lir said, genuine confusion written plainly on his face.
"Yes."
"I'm not being weird or anything: Everyone'sh being sho sherioush."
"Well, alcohol intoxication tends to disrupt our better judgment." Raj said, backing up slowly from the seemingly-crazy man, using long words to confuse him.
"Vem, what'd he shay?" Lir mumbled, looking up at the disguised taller.
"Okay, well, that's very nice, but we should be- Wait a minute, Vem?" Raj said, suddenly remembering something that had been nagging him since he had heard Lir call her 'Vem'.
"Um, it's foreign!" Vem said, pulling Lir away from Raj, who was eyeing them suspiciously.
"Really foreign," Raj said, nodding as the specifics came back to him, "Didn't it originate in the Tezcali region of the Greater Equatorial desert on Irk?"
Vem froze. In her mind, thought whirled around her head in disarray, trying to figure out how he knew that, trying to figure out what to do, trying to figure out how to communicate the danger to Lir, and countless other trains of thought that all got jumbled up in a big mess, only resulting in her mouth falling open.
Raj grinned. "You really are aliens, aren't you?"
Again Vem couldn't say anything. Lir nodded cheerily.
Helen and Raj exchanged glances, and broke down laughing. Helen recovered first, and in between giggles said, "Tat's okay: We're really time travelers."
After Skool, Zim walked with Tenn to the corner, running over the details of the lesson Zim had fallen asleep in.
"So they still think it's impossible to divide by zero? Idiots." Zim said, rolling his eyes.
"Oh, come on Zim, there are a lot of idiots in the universe," She said, rounding a corner, "It's amazing how often people do stupid stuff."
"Like fail to mention that the planet is covered in water?" Dib's voice called out, coming from somewhere in the trees up ahead.
Zim immediately panicked, backing up against the wall that bordered the property behind them, scanning the limbs of the trees for his nemesis. Tenn was just confused.
"Zim, what's water? I haven't learned that one yet." She said with a frown, looking for what scared Zim so much.
"It's H2O in chemical terms. I probably should have told you to bathe in paste." He said hurriedly, sweating nervously as he grabbed Tenn's hand and pulled her out from the overhanging boughs where Dib could be hiding.
"That stuff? Yeesh, that's bad! I took a chemistry course at the Academy on it: It actually dissolves you molecularly. Where'd Dib get it on a planet like this?" Tenn said, looking up at the trees with renewed fear.
"There's a lot of it lying around on this place. Human bodies are made of it." Zim said, clear panic in his voice.
"How much water?" Tenn said suspiciously, eyeing Zim angrily.
"You know those blue things you saw from space?"
"The oceans?"
"Yeah. They're basically a bunch of liquid water and salt."
Tenn yelped in horror, and sprinted for the corner. She had been expecting a few painful drops of a uncommon fluid, though much more common than on Irk, as part of a childish prank. But if the planet was covered in the stuff, then he could get a hold of dangerous amounts.
She rounded the corner, and had a half a second to register that Dib was standing there with a small yellow plastic-looking object, before deadly cold acid smacked her in the face.
She stood there in shock as she felt the water begin to eat away at her skin, then screamed, and dropped to the ground as she began to smoke.
Dib laughed. "Serves you right, alien scum! Next time, I'd think twice before invading a planet. Just a little hello from planet Earth. Oh, don't worry, I've got lots of water balloons left."
Zim stood there in shock as Dib began to laugh, and Tenn rubbed her face with grass, spitting out the horrible stuff. For the second time, his negligence and stupidity had ended up hurting Tenn.
His hands curled into fists. She was his commander, on his planet, and as far as he was concerned, the last orders of the Tallests still meant he had to get her back to Irk safely.
Dib was oblivious to the sudden fury that possessed Zim, and laughed over his squirming opponent. He wondered if he could convince Ms. Bitters to take them to the aquarium or the beach for their next field trip. This was a nice moment of triumph: He'd have to write it down in the Notebook of Victory.
Just as he turned to leave, Zim's fist connected solidly with the side of his head. He was knocked clear into the street, and landed painfully on his backside.
Dib looked up in astonishment as Zim extended his PAK legs, rising up on two and aiming the other two at Dib's head.
"YOU LITTLE WORM!" He yelled, advancing threateningly towards his downed opponent, "DIRT-MONKEY! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"
Zim jumped on Dib with a feral battle cry, and the two rolled around on the street, exchanging blows.
"WEASEL!" Zim yelled, "You don't attack an unarmed opponent like that! Even by your own human standards that was low!"
"The guy who's trying to enslave me entire species through deception and conquest is telling me how to fight fair? That's a load of crap!" Dib hollered back, kicking Zim in the side.
"This fight is between you and me!" Zim snarled, twisting Dib's arm viciously.
"No, this fight is between you and the human race! Tenn's trying to destroy us too!"
"Not actively!"
"She's helping you isn't she? Besides, my enemy's friend is my enemy!"
Tenn spat out the dirt in her mouth, satisfied that she had gotten all the water off, and stood up to watch the brawl. She looked down and saw that Zim's wig got pulled off, and Dib was pulling on his antennae.
With a groan, she extended her PAK legs from her better-disguised 'backpack', and pulled the two of them apart.
"Zim! Stop being such an idiot! He's just a human, and it wasn't a lot of water!" she snapped, tossing the wig at Zim's chest. He caught it, and carefully adjusted it, before going back to struggling to rip Dib's throat out.
"And as for you," She said, rounding on Dib, "I thought I told you not to mess with the Irken Empire!"
Dib smiled thinly, and spat out some blood. "How superior is the alien species that can't handle some water?"
Tenn turned back to Zim. "He's got a point: Why didn't you warn me?"
"I forgot!" Zim whined.
"Aren't your brains computers or something?" Dib cut in.
"Stay out of it," Tenn said, "And Zim, this is kind of one of those need-to-know things. I'm letting Dib go because he's the only one keeping us sharp."
Above Zim's protests, she let Dib go, and shot him a look that said 'Watch out for next round.'
Dib grinned, then shot a triumphant look at Zim. Tenn waited until he was gone before letting Zim go.
"You can't just maul him like that in public." She said, "People will notice."
Zim mumbled something about pig-smellies, and started the long limp home.
"So, do you mind explaining why you know what we are?" Vem asked, arms crossed in front of her as Raj used a 'borrowed' set of keys to get into the house.
Helen was currently holding up Lir and explaining that what he was in was called a hangover. Lir had a bottle of water in his mouth and was looking like he had just realized that human life wasn't perfect.
"All in good time." Raj said with a smile as the door clicked open, and they entered the darkened house.
Vem stared at the empty room and turned towards Raj. "A suburban human home? Very interesting." She said sarcastically.
"No, it's much more interesting than the house," Helen said with a smile, "It's the backyard!"
Raj opened the back door and led them out, to see the turtle taking a nap. Vem just froze again, her mental and emotional gears shifting rapidly. Yet again she was at a complete loss for words, and was now of the opinion that if they ever did conquer this planet, she'd just give it to Lir. It was too weird.
"This is our time-traveling turtle!" Raj said proudly, walking up and petting its enormous head.
"Very impressive," Lir said, more in a bad mood than anything else.
"Hey! Don't be mean to the cyborg turtle!" Helen snapped overly-dramatically.
"He didn't mean it," Raj said soothingly as the turtle shifted a little, "Are you my favorite time-traveling turtle? Yes you are! Yes you are you good turtle you!"
The turtle yawned a bit, and the hatch in its shell opened up. Raj and Helen proudly led the other two into the spacious body of their turtle.
Inside was even weirder than outside: The upper third of the turtle was a gleaming white, futuristic control room, with an impressive display of buttons and computer monitors. The other two-thirds made up Raj and Helen's 'house': A long wall separated the living room, decorated with often-clashing Indian and Greek objects, from the rest of the ship, with one door less entrance with a little stone plaque saying 'Domus dulce domus' (A thank-you present from the former governor of Pompey for evacuating the city and leaving plaster casts of the citizens with some fake bones and stuff) above the opening. Lir saw doors leading off of the central room, to the bathrooms, kitchen and bedrooms, as well as little windows that either displayed an actual view of the outside, or a scene from some other location throughout history.
"As for why I knew Vem's name was Irken, it was the first thing I saw when I came in on the ship: 'Most popular Irken baby names for 2885.' I guess whoever had the turtle before us left it there. Guess he had a reason."
Lir looked at the control panel with interest. "You mean this thing can actually travel through time?"
"Anywhere or any-when. I haven't gone off earth yet: There's still too much to do."
Vem frowned. "How'd you get this turtle?"
"Long story. How about we discuss over a cup of coffee? How about Cuzco, honey?" Raj said, turning towards Helen, "I always liked the place. 1435?"
"Sure."
"Wait," Vem said, moving forward in fear, "You're not actually going to take us time traveling?"
"Don't worry: You only get sick the first time, and we don't leave behind burning tire tracks or anything."
Before Vem could stop him, Raj hit a button, and they were gone.
Sorry this was a little late. I had a lot of stuff going on.
Two corrections I'm making: Number one, for those of who who didn't notice before, I'm changing one of the categories to 'Romance'. There are a lot of couples in this, but they only start becoming important now.
I also moved Raj's home from 4000 to 1000 B.C., for cultural references in later chapters.