Truth Hurts
Becky was back in Dumbledore's office two days later.
"There's something I want to know. Why did you pick me? Why me?"
The elderly man peered at her over his half-moon glasses. "You have a natural gift for magic and you will be an asset to us. "
"I don't remember ever topping any of my classes."
"I attribute that to an lack of incentive, rather than a lack of talent."
"Schoolwork was just an inconvenience to me," she said, looking slightly embarrassed. "I was more inclined to follow Sirius around the school." She paused and looked at him thoughtfully. "What gave you the impression that I can be more of an asset than a liability?"
"Do you remember joining Professor Candlespell's dueling club?"
She nodded. She had joined the dueling club in her sixth year. It was her first year at Hogwarts without Sirius and she had signed up for the club to fill the extra time on her hands. It was to her surprise that she gradually became interested in dueling and began to look forward to each practice.
"Professor Candlespell told me he had uncovered a rare talent in his class and I had to see it for myself." The headmaster's eyes twinkled.
"But – but I never saw you at any of our practices!" she could not help but exclaimed.
"I was there all right. In fact, I sat through several sessions and I must add that I was delighted to know another young talent had passed through the halls of Hogwarts."
"You couldn't have been there!"
"The bare eyes do not see everything," he reasoned calmly.
"You put on an invisibility cloak?"
He gave a soft laugh. "Perhaps I did, my child."
"I guess I did okay at the club. It was fun, and it gave me the confidence I never had," she confided quietly.
"Do you mind if an old man tells you what he thinks?"
"Go ahead."
"You have many strong points, but you have yet to discover them. Perhaps you had chosen, unconsciously I think, to play them down and devote your effort to making others feel good."
She caught his hint. "You mean to say I was too obsessed with pandering to Sirius' every want and forgot about myself?"
He did not reply, but his kindly eyes told her that she was not far from the truth.
"You may be right, but I don't regret that one bit. I was the happiest when I was with, or even near him. Everything else just faded into the background. Nothing mattered more than him."
"Is it wise to base your happiness on pleasing another person?"
She sighed. "I had asked myself that, professor. I really did! I almost managed to convince myself to start living my own life back in France, but that was when news of his escape from Azkaban broke, and I knew that it was too late to pull away. It's scary how I let him dominate my life and consume my thoughts, isn't it?"
"I'm not in the position to tell you what's wrong and what's right. Only you can decide how to live your life. But remember Rebecca, it's always best to live for yourself, and not for others."
"I'll remember that, professor. Though I must add it's certainly easier said than done."
"No one ever said life is easy. You are a Gryffindor, and courage is something a Gryffindor hardly ever lacks. It takes much courage to carve out your own life."
Becky gave a hollow laugh. "That was certainly unexpected. I appreciate your advice, but that was really the last thing I would expect you to say today! Were you not trying to convince me to join in the fight for the Light by dangling Sirius as the carrot? And now you're telling me to live life for myself and not base my decisions on him?"
"I hope you can join us, but I want your consent to stem from a true desire to fight against the Dark, and not because of any particular person."
She considered for a long moment. Finally, she let on her first genuine smile to the headmaster. "Count me in."
"First, tell me what made you decide to join us."
"I came back to England ready to atone for what Peter did. Now it's a chance to repay the Pettigrews' debt. And the fact that Sirius is part of the team makes it all the more enticing," she grinned.
"That is not all," Dumbledore commented knowingly.
She chuckled, feeling more lighthearted than she did in a long time. "I can't say I like it when you read my mind time and time again! But yes, you're right. There's another reason for me to participate now. No one has shown such confidence in me. I was so used to being known as an offspring by Charles Pettigrew's second wide, Peter's kid sister, or the girl who kept following Sirius around. Then in France, I was nothing more than an Englishwoman who happens to do reasonable tailoring jobs." She looked at him shyly. "It certainly feels good to be appreciated and told that I have some talent and will be an asset to some worthy cause."
"I hope you do know there's risk in this particular cause you've just accepted."
"I'm aware of that. I'll not let you down, professor. I'll show you that you're right to trust me."
Becky had never felt much liking towards her old headmaster. But now, she was beginning to see why this old man was so ridiculously popular. She just wished she could have known that earlier.
"Is there anything I can do right now?" she asked eagerly.
"Not immediately, my child," he said. "But I will call for a meeting soon and you will meet the rest of the Order."
"Order? You're not referring to the Order of the Phoenix again, are you?"
"You've heard about it?"
She nodded. "I overheard James mentioned it to Peter. It was an order to defeat Voldemort, and it was one that failed miserably."
"Each time a phoenix burns into ashes, it's reborn again and looks more brilliant than ever."
"I guess the same applies to us," she said uncomfortably. "It's just a name anyway. I'm sorry for overreacting. I'm looking forward to meeting the rest."
"You can meet two of them right away! I happen to know that Sirius is in Remus' office at the moment."
Her eyes lit up. To the headmaster's surprise and amusement, she gave him a quick kiss on his left cheek before dashing out of his office.
-----
In the meantime, Remus and Sirius were having a heated discussion.
"I know how she feels," Sirius snapped.
"Is the feeling mutual?"
There was a long stretch of silence. Remus was patiently waiting for a reply.
When Sirius finally met the werewolf's eyes, guilt was written all over his face. "That's something I've been asking myself repeatedly for the past few weeks," he said in a quiet voice.
"The past few weeks? You should've started thinking about that more than a decade ago!"
"It just didn't seem important then," the ex-convict sighed.
Remus knew what he meant. Then, they were young. And youth had the tendency of misleading a person into thinking that there would always be plenty of time to make life-changing decisions. But Sirius was robbed of that youth. So was Becky. They could no longer act the way they used to without wondering if their relationship would bear fruit. "You know...she asked me something that day at your place."
Sirius looked at him expectantly.
"She asked if you'd mentioned her at all, since our dramatic reunion at the Shrieking Shack."
"What did you say?"
"What else could I have said? I told her we were reunited not long enough for any heart-to-heart talk."
"Thanks."
Remus licked his lips. "So did you think about her at all in...erm…in that place?"
Sirius ran a hand over his face wearily. "Not very much."
"Meaning?"
"Maybe in the first week or so. Then all I could think of was what a fool I'd been to let that rat twirl us around his little finger. All I could think of was how I had let James down and whether Harry was alright...and what I would do to Wormtail once I lay my hands on him." He paused for breath. "I had no more happy thoughts after -"
"You did not miss her at all? That wasn't a thought dementors could take away. You never wondered how she was coping? And whether she believed your innocence?"
"No," Sirius admitted softly. "That does say something, doesn't it? If I was in love with her, I'd have..."
Remus nodded gravely. "I dare say you've arrived at your answer."
Just then, Remus noticed that the door was ajar. He moved speedily towards it, swung it wide open, looked around, and then frowned. "Did you not closed the door when you came in?"
"You were the one who let me in. Didn't you shut it?"
The two men stared at each other, as traces of worry crept into their faces. Suddenly, Sirius visibly started, stepped out into the corridor, and looked around nervously. "Did you hear that?"
Remus stared at him as though he had just sprouted another head. "Hear what? You're sure that's not part of your imagination?"
Sirius pressed a finger to his lips, indicating that Remus should remain silent. Then he listened intently for a few seconds. Finally, he let out a breath and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "That's what being in hiding for almost a year do to a person. It makes one really paranoid. There can't possibly be any nosy students lurking in the school at this time of the year." He laughed awkwardly, as though trying to convince himself that it was all part of his imagination.
Remus slapped the back of his friend's shoulder lightly. "You're feeling better now, buddy?"
"Yeah," Sirius answered grimly. "But I've yet to figure out my next course of action. Should I tell her?"
"If you want my honest opinion, I'd recommend that you have a talk with her soon. She has a right to know."
Sirius stared down at his shoes with unseeing eyes. Then he kicked a foot into the air, as though there was an imaginary pebble. "She's not going to like what I have to say."
"Whoever said life is a bed of roses? Frankly, Padfoot, if you're certain there can't be anything out of your relationship, the sooner you let her know, the less cruel it is for her."
"What if I'm not a hundred per cent sure myself about how I feel?"
Remus sighed. "I can't help you with that. You know yourself best."
Sirius nodded, looking troubled. The two men then said their goodbyes and Sirius walked down the corridor while Remus disappeared back into his office.
There was an eerie silence in the empty hallway. Then, a muffled sob was heard.
Becky Pettigrew, hidden behind a dozing statue, was biting her lower lip until it was bleeding. She was trying without success to stop herself from trembling, as she waited for a couple of minutes to make sure Sirius was not nowhere near. Then, she took to her heels and ran as fast as she could. Becky had no idea where she was going. All she knew was that she had to get away...she had to get far away from the cursed spot outside Remus' office where she overheard the words that left a overpowering chill in her heart.
Hot tears that were threatening to spill over were blurring her vision, but she could not stop. The only thing she could do was to escape. Suddenly, her body banged right into something hard that obstructed her way and lost her balance. She gave a yelp of surprise as a pair of arms curled around her waist.
Then, she lost consciousness and the world became black.
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elvesmagic010: I like to be surprised, so I'll not influence your own portrayal of Caitlin. Just don't make her too nasty, ok? ;)
fra: Glad you liked the dialogue. Hmm…Sirius or Snape? Tough choice…
Padfoot-Dreamer: Here's "the next chapter". Hopefully it didn't disappoint you!
ANNE( v )79: POA started screening in Singapore on 3 June…BUT I've yet to watch it!!! :( My busy schedule is getting into the way, and I'm also waiting for my friends to spare the time! But I'll watch it SOON! I must before I go crazy! Which country are you in? 21 July?! That's cruel!
Summerkins: You really liked the chapter? :)
funkysuperstar: I'm full of guilt right now cuz I've been neglecting my other two stories…
Snuffles2984: Life should get less frantic in July, and updates should be sooner…I hope…
ice-cold-star: Sorry to 'hear' that you don't get to enjoy your holidays much. Hang in there! :)
potts: I'm always happy to hear from you. Don't stay away, okie? :)
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Those of you who have been following FBOFW may be happy to know that I've written most of the chapter on Sirius' proposal. If nothing goes wrong, it'll be up in two weeks' time.
I know I had mentioned that I would not update FBOFW and ICSY until SFTP is completed. But I've grown more attached to SFTP and changed my mind about ending it soon.
I've not started on the next chapter of SFTP yet, as I'm still considering if it should be Sirius or Snape or none of them. So you have preferences, let me know in your reviews. But all I ask is…be nice to Snape. There must be some of you who'll root for him, right?
Till the next chapter, ta ta!