"Thanks again for doing all of this, officer lady," Grizz said, his attention already half pulled away from the rolled down window he had been leaning against when Panda slid out of the car slowly.
It had been a short car ride home. There was a time probably less than three days ago when Grizz would have found the opportunity to ride in something as cool as a police car thrilling and, as he would say, totally awesome. Yet somehow his heart had been racing for another reason. His fur was still damp and his mind wasn't just tired, but exhausted. Panda had leaned on him the entire way home with their paws intertwined in plain sight. They didn't say anything once they were together like that, and for once Grizz felt like he didn't have too. Their eyes briefly met when Panda looked back at him, and then his cheeks turned slightly pink before he turned away. He was clutching the pink scarf that Grizz had found to his chest and turned eyes to their other brother, who was holding the various bags Panda had bought throughout the day.
"S-See you inside," Panda mumbled sheepishly to Grizz. Grizz caught himself staring a little too long with nothing but a nod for reply.
"Hey, no problem," The officer had spoken up again. Grizz jumped, startled by her voice as he had already forgotten she was here. Grizz nodded fast as if to say he had been paying attention. "Glad your guys called us, wouldn't want you three ending up dead in a ditch struck by lightening somewhere!"
She laughed, but Grizz didn't. She seemed to have a particularly dark sense of humor. He just nodded again and turned back to stare at Panda walking into the cave. He had already said his thank you's and much deservedly looked like he was about to crash out the second his head hit his pillow.
"You take care of your brothers now, you hear?" The officer said.
Grizz looked at her, and then nodded his head.
"Yeah, you bet." He responded. She adjusted her hat and then gave Grizz a little wink before flaring up the engine to her car again. Grizz took a few steps back and felt his paws sink into a tiny puddle when he watched her drive away. The thunder still occasionally rumbled the sky and lightning still lit up the now pitch black night, but it was distant and less scary. When a few of the remaining drops in the sky fell against his ear he was reminded again of squeezing Panda along together. It reminded him of hearing Panda cry.
Grizz frowned. He didn't… think. He didn't think when he had ran. Even when he came back to find Panda he didn't think, just acted. The sound of Panda crying and struggling to keep it in lingering in his thoughts even long after his sobbing ceased. When he turned to the cave to see a few lights from the kitchen to Panda's room flicker on one by one he began to walk back to his home. His chest was tight and his eyes heavy when he opened the door to the cave.
Grizz saw his youngest brother first. The polar bear was standing in the kitchen moving some things around. Flickers of a flame were already on the stovetop and within seconds Grizz could smell sizzling meat and vegetables. It wasn't what Grizz had expected when he walked in. When he approached the bear didn't so much as give him a glance until he spent thirty seconds moving things around and throwing in random spices and sprinkles of pepper. And then he sighed and began wiping his paws with a towel hanging off the stove door.
"You alright there, Lil bro?" Grizz asked, his paws together and rubbing slowly.
"Ice Bear is still confused," The bear admitted a bit quieter than his usual tone. "Ice Bear is unsure what to make of situation. Secrets being kept from Ice Bear."
"It wasn't a…" Grizz found his voice trailing off. "Okay it was sort of a secret."
The polar bear spent the next several moments preparing the food. Meat sizzled and Grizz was almost for a second distracted by the smell alone. His stomach rumbled, but it was also so twisted that he could barely think of eating.
"Can I go and talk to Panda?" Grizz asked, taking a few steps forward and putting his paws on the top of a chair. "Just see if he feels alright? I promise we're gonna talk about this soon."
After a few moments the polar bear nodded. He turned to look at Grizz with a sideways glance and then looked away and back to the food.
"Ice Bear thinks dinner will be ready in twenty minutes."
Grizz said alright and ignored the tight feeling in his gut before turning away, glancing over his shoulder at least twice, but the polar bear wasn't looking at him. When he approached the hallway and his brother was no longer in sight he came up to Panda's door. He pressed his ear against it to see if he could hear anything. When he looked down his toes were in the light from under the crack of it. He knocked quietly.
"Pan Pan?"
It took a few moments for a response.
"Come in."
Grizz opened the door gently. He had a sudden memory of when it was late at night five days prior and he sat outside Panda's door whispering and trying to get his attention and being snapped at when he opened the door too fast and talked too loud. That night Panda had been on his bed hiding under his covers in a way that Grizz told him at least five hundred times he looked adorable doing. Now it was different, for Grizz didn't feel his heart race with excitement, but nerves. It felt more like the time he came into Panda's room after their first kiss when Panda was still not talking to him.
"Hey," Panda mumbled. He was sitting on the floor at the base of his bed with his knees tucked up to his chest. He was gripping Miki-chan in a hug and burying his face into it, so his words came out slightly muffled. Only his eyes were visible to Grizz and they were wide. Grizz shut the door behind him and approached Panda gingerly, finding it hard not to walk on his toes as if he might startle his lover.
"You alright, buddy?" Grizz asked. He sat down next to Panda slowly, as if waiting for Panda to show some sign of not wanting him there. Panda didn't react, and even surprised Grizz when he sat down by scooting closer to him until their bodies pressed together.
"I guess," Panda shrugged and released one of his paws from Miki-chan to run it over to Grizz's own paw. Grizz gave it a reassuring squeeze and for good measure tried to throw Panda a smile of the same caliber. Panda didn't return it, and instead squeezed Miki-chan with his one arm so tight she started to fold in half.
"A-Are we really…" Panda paused, a heavy blush coming onto his face. "C-Coming out tonight?"
It sounded like a real question. Panda looked somewhere between flustered, embarrassed, and overall scared. He seemed to fluctuate between those three until he looked to Grizz, and then that looked turned to guilt when he pulled his paw away to hug Miki-Chan again.
"I didn't mean it like that," Panda said quickly. "N-Not that it's bad or anything. Or that it's… you I'm… I-I don't know what I'm saying, Grizz."
Grizz put his paw on Panda's leg and gave a gentle squeeze at the kneecap. He didn't say anything because his mind drew a blank. Panda's nerves were apparent by the way he kept squeezing his hug on his pillow and shaking his leg. The two sat like that for a little with Grizz thinking everything he wanted to say sounded dumb or not important, so he waited for Panda.
"Back at the mall," Panda began. Already Grizz felt his belly twist uncomfortably. "When you said what you said… A-About kissing you. And all that other stuff about not being a good…"
Panda looked down.
"Did I do something wrong?" Panda asked nervously. "I-I mean with us?"
"N-No, no Pan Pan, you didn't," Grizz said quickly and snatched up Panda's paw a bit too roughly. He got on his knees and looked down at Panda, who looked up to him with a bit of shock in his eyes. "I was being a huge dingle and just jealous and upset about not-"
"Jealous?"
The word cut like a hot blade that made Grizz stop and his mind draw to a halt. His muscles relaxed and he released Panda's paw in favor of pulling on one of his claws and looking straight down. He felt much smaller despite sitting over Panda, and his own cheeks began to feel warm. Panda looked curious now, and Grizz felt like he was under a spotlight.
"Y'know," Grizz reached up a paw and began to scratch the tufts of fur behind his head. "Sometimes you talk about girls a lot. About dating them and kissing them and how nice it'd be to have a girlfriend. And how you always imagined all your first dates being with girls and how you… wouldn't… y'know… sneak around and hide it if it was a girl…"
Grizz felt sheepish all of a sudden. Saying it out loud didn't relieve the pressure like he had thought it might, but only increased it. Panda was frowning now and Grizz's heart felt like it was leaping into his throat and pounding like crazy. He was starting to sweat on top of his still damp fur and squirming in place.
"Grizz…" Panda began.
"H-Haha, that's totally nuts, right?" Grizz shrugged both shoulders and began laughing. The smile he had worn all day slipped on like a dirty glove that felt slimy just to wear. "I mean why would I get upset over that? N-Not like I own you or anything or like you aren't allowed to like girls just cause you're kissing me, right? O-Or talk to Juliet or… I-I mean…"
Panda reached up a paw, and then got up to his own knees. He was a few inches shorter than Grizz and looked up quietly. When that paw rested on Grizz's cheek he felt warm and tingly inside like he did when Panda kissed him late at night after he had snuck in and was so tired he could barely keep his eyes open. When Panda held his paw and blushed every time Grizz told him how cute he looked over and over like he had just forgotten he had said it.
"I told Juliet that I found somebody I was interested in after we started trying this," Panda said. He looked away from Grizz the second he got those words out, a gentle blush growing steadily on those cheeks of his. Grizz found his paws lifting and touching either side of Panda's face to feel that his muscles hadn't quite relaxed yet. "She said she was happy for me, but she kept typing stuff to me. She's just nice, I think. I didn't mean for you to think that… that I didn't…"
Panda looked melancholic and a bit distant for a moment. Grizz felt himself absent mindedly run his paw down to Panda's neck and squeeze at his shoulder. The dark circles around his eyes seemed even darker than usual in a kind of exhaustion that Grizz didn't realize he had moment prior.
"I think about you like that, too." Panda blinked and met Grizz's eyes. "It's just different, y'know? Us playing video games and cuddling when we take turns. Having you wake me up for breakfast every morning trying to sneak in even though you're really loud. I think it's cute when you get really excited over dumb action movies and I feel really happy when you hug me." He looked away for this next part, swaying a bit in place with a smile falling upon his mouth. "S-Sometimes I stay up waiting for you and pretend to sleep cause I don't wanna seem weird."
Grizz touched Panda's chin, and Panda seemed to tense.
"Panda, I…"
"I kissed Miki-Chan last night pretending it was you!"
Grizz blinked, and then smiled. Something in him erupted and forced him to take his paws off of Panda and cover his mouth. Panda was looking at him funny, and then Grizz began laughing. Really loud and rude laughing, too. Not the kind of reaction Panda was looking for by how he scooted back and sat up before crossing his arms.
"Hahaha, you what!?" Grizz asked. "I was right next to your room!"
"Oh, c'mon don't laugh!"
When Grizz didn't stop Panda whined and picked up Miki-Chan before hitting Grizz mindlessly on the side of the head.
"H-Hey, I don't wanna kiss her too!" Grizz shouted back playfully while he held up his arm to defend himself from the pillow. This response seemed to only upset Panda more when he let out a whiny, high pitched roar and began advancing on Grizz.
"I'm trying to be serious!" Panda yelled back.
Grizz stood up now and tried to back away but ended up backing into the baseboard of Panda's bed and tripping over back onto the bed where his chest got a facefull of Miki-Chan and he was left laughing while he tried to bat away the pillow. He grabbed the pillow the next time it hit his head and he tugged it forward so forcefully that Panda let out a startled 'eep!' and was yanked onto the bed too. Grizz was now holding Miki-Chan with Panda's face on the other side buried in it where Grizz's chest should be. His brother cooled down quickly and looked up sheepishly, Grizz still giggling and now breathing heavy as if he had actually laughed hard enough to run out of breath.
Grizz pushed aside the pillow, and Panda reluctantly settled his head on Grizz's chest where Grizz was permitted to run his paw down the back of Panda's head. His brother squeezed him and then looked up into Grizz's eyes.
"I think about that stuff too, Pan Pan," Grizz chuckled. "You're really REALLY cute when you get mad like that."
"Why do I like you?" Panda whined, burying his face in Grizz's chest.
"Hehehe, you liiiiikkkeeee me," Grizz sung. He was hugging Panda's head and swaying back and forth.
It felt normal. Happy. Safe. Any one of these words made Grizz almost forget how he had been feeling the entire day. How silly he was beginning to feel. Panda scooted into a more comfortable position where he could run his claws steadily against Grizz's chest and Grizz could hug him more properly. They cuddled silently for a while until Grizz thought of what to say.
"Hey Pan Pan?" Grizz asked. "Is all of this more than kissing and cuddling and feeling happy to you?"
It came out nervously. Grizz didn't mean for that. And most of all he didn't mean for a lump to form in his throat when Panda pushed off of him and met his eyes. Panda opened his mouth and then shut it.
"I-It's just that… I know I said I was fine going slow if you needed it or just keeping it all secret," Grizz shrugged. He was wondering if he could find the courage to shut up and pretend like it was a joke, but the words just kept flowing. "But I really wanna be that. So I can hold your paw in public and get those cute little photo booth reels of us kissing and stuff and have that little thing on your profiles online say you're in a relationship…. With me. Y'know, if that's cool."
Grizz put both paws on his chest and then laughed. He wondered if he laughed enough he could make it seem like it wasn't the biggest thing he had ever asked anybody.
"Hold on," Panda mumbled, sliding off the bed. Grizz's heart skipped a beat in an unpleasant way when his face twisted into a frown. He felt like hitting the side of his head and berating himself, but that was before he saw Panda pick up a small bag from his desk next to his laptop. It had the same symbol as the one from the little korean shop they had visited earlier. Panda went back to the bed and dug his paw in, pulling it out with two little golden strings between his fingers.
"I uh," Panda started, getting back onto the bed and sitting opposite Grizz. "Can you hold out your paw, Grizz?"
"Sure," Grizz nodded, sticking out his paw. Panda placed his on top and then something small and roundish settled in Grizz's grasp. When Panda pulled his paw away Grizz saw tiny little heads no bigger than Panda's cell phone charm, one of a brown bear and the other of a panda bear. They were detailed and jagged.
"I-I wanted you to keep the panda one," Panda giggled, putting his paws together. "And I was gonna keep the grizzly one. I thought that it'd be cute and that you like it but it's kind of lame, right? B-But I'm trying to say we can do all those things you want, okay? We can go get pictures of us and go on dates and… c-come out together."
Grizz felt his chest grow tight with a new emotion. It was a mix of what he knew as the love he once had for his brother, always had, but even stronger. Like the feeling was on fire.
"Will you be my boyf-"
"YES!" Grizz shouted. Panda jumped, and then stared wide eyed. Without thinking Grizz got close to Panda and kissed him. He was smiling so wide that he didn't remember to stick out his lips for the kiss and ended up just rubbing his face against Panda's own and giggling through gritted teeth. He was happy. Really, REALLY happy.
"Oh this is way cooler than ANY action movie!" Grizz shouted, finding out that his tail was wagging much like a dog when he pushed Panda to the bed and kissed his cheek. Panda whined loudly and started squirming.
"Oh, Gross! Grizz you're getting all slobbery! Don't talk when you kiss!"
Panda had to wrestle Grizz off of him and even then Grizz buried his face in Panda's chest and began making 'squee' ing sort of sounds. He knew Panda was blushing because he was as well.
It wasn't just having a boyfriend, no. It was having Panda as his boyfriend that made him happy. He thought of all the things he could do now, and all the things he had to do. He had to force himself just to sit up and over Panda. His smile was so wide it hurt while Panda stared at him both flustered and a little bit happy as well, though fighting the latter.
Grizz tried the word out. Like it was a new toy he was just dying to try.
"You're my boyfriend now, right Pan Pan?"
"G-Geez, yeah," Panda muttered.
It felt right to hear.
"We can totally kiss and and cuddle and talk about how we love to do that, right?"
"Grizz we already do!" Panda snapped back.
"I know!" Grizz shouted. He kissed Panda again so forcefully that it was more like just mindlessly mashing their muzzles together and hoping for the best. Right now any contact was 'the best' in Grizz's book.
It took a while for Grizz to settle down. His and Panda's bodies rested together on the bed somehow when Grizz was so hopped up he could run around in the rain for at least an hour. His feet wiggled against Panda's own and he had to resist kicking his knee. Grizz wanted to move and run and bounce and for some strange reason carry around Panda on his back while he did this. He felt so impatient just laying there letting Panda hold his paws like he couldn't take anymore of it.
"You're my boyfriend," Panda mumbled. He put one of Grizz's paws against his cheek and the other to his lips. "Oh geez I have a boyfriend."
"I know," Grizz giggled. He was clutching the trinket of the panda head in his paw and let the golden strand loop around his finger. He lifted his paw to show Panda and was rewarded with a smile. He forgot about anything but that smile. "I swear I'm not gonna get this lost in my room ever."
"Yes you will," Panda sighed with a teasing giggle.
"Nuh-uh!" Grizz responded, trying his best to imitate something sassy. He pressed the trinket to his chest. "This is the second most important Panda in this room! Runner up's are important too! This thing is totally priceless!"
"Grizz it cost like one fifty."
"Details shmetails!" Grizz waved his paw as if to dismay the matter. "It was a very important gift from my boyfriend, who by the way, LIKE like's me!"
"Please stop talking like you're eight," Panda responded and rolled his eyes. "You're being a total dork about all of this, bro."
"A dork you're dating."
"Whatever." Another roll of eyes was a dead giveaway to the smile Panda was trying to hide. "I'm gonna put it on my phone, alright."
Panda slid off the bed and Grizz began kicking his legs while staring at the little panda head. He promised himself he didn't care what Panda thought, that he was going to keep it safe no matter what.
Grizz looked over. Panda was scrolling through his phone, which was also on his desk attached to a cord while he pulled off. He smiled, and then put one paw over his chest. Grizz spotted the little brown bear charm dangling.
"Hey, look," Panda said, turning his phone to Grizz. Grizz stared at it. It was the page he had seen that morning at the diner, only it was Panda's personal page. On the top right under his username it read;
Status: In a relationship
Grizz felt his chest grow warm. He scooted forward and hugged Panda so tight that Panda cried out a little, but Grizz didn't soften. Instead he began giggling and rubbing his face to Panda's cheek.
"G-Grizz, you're squeezing too ti-"
KNOCK KNOCK
Right on Panda's door the sound boomed like the thunder so far in the distance that Grizz hadn't heard it for at least ten minutes. It made the two of them jump and then exchange a look. Grizz released his arms from Panda. Without word the two kissed very briefly for silent reassurance. It was a callback to reality off the little cloud Grizz had been perched upon. The two got off the bed and Grizz squeezed Panda's paw, telling him it would be okay.
"Are you sure?" Panda asked again. "I mean… what if he thinks it's weird?"
"I have my good luck charm," Grizz said, holding up the little panda head charm.
Panda nodded. When they opened the door their little brother wasn't there, so Grizz walked ahead and scoped out the area. He saw the polar bear at a clear table with nothing but three cups and a teapot in the center. The polar bear was drinking a cup and then turned his attention to Grizz. He had positioned the three chairs so that he was opposite two that were pushed together. Grizz tugged on Panda's paw and Panda came slowly behind, hiding behind Grizz's shoulder.
"Hey, bro," Grizz was the first to talk. "You made tea?"
"Ice Bear does not want small talk," The polar bear stated while sipping at his tea. "But yes, Ice Bear made tea. Blueberry. Very tasty."
"That's… cool," Grizz said, sitting down slowly in one of the chairs. Panda was now holding his chest with one of his paws and audibly swallowed a lump in his throat. Ice bear poured them both some tea. "Where's dinner."
"Ice Bear said no small talk," The bear responded quickly. Panda 'eep'd and Grizz would have glared at their youngest brother if he didn't feel just as nervous himself.
The room was quiet. The polar bear eyed the two now as though he were trying to break them.
"Ice Bear does not enjoy secrets in his cave." The polar bear said. "Ice Bear wants answers."
"Hey, bro, it's…" Grizz began, but trailed off. He didn't expect this to be so rough. When he pictured telling their brother it was under circumstances where it wasn't forced out of them and more calm and happy with lots of hugging and acceptance. Right now he wasn't sure what the polar bear was going to do. He knew he had to choose his words carefully.
"Grizz is my boyfriend!" Panda shouted suddenly.
"Pan Pan!" Grizz snapped back, wide eyed and fearful.
"Oh gosh he broke me!" Panda whined and covered his face with both paws.
The polar bear sipped his tea again. The silence was still there, only now Grizz was reassuringly rubbing Panda's back. The polar bear said nothing, but reached out his paw and seemed to beckon them forward as if silently demanding they start talking.
Panda wanted to start with their first kiss. His words were shaky and slow, but when Grizz finally realized where he was heading he stopped him, and restarted the story the night of the storm. How it just happened and grew and he didn't know why. He changed the subject or skipped ahead if Panda made a weird sound or looked embarrassed, and a few times Panda chimed in with "Y-Yeah" or "It made me happy, too."
Grizz lifted Panda's paw on top of the table to cover it with his own. He kept his eyes locked on his lover when he explained how he felt, as difficult as it was.
"Just… think of when you saw a really good movie and you're really pumped. It's like that but fifty times better," Grizz chuckled. "O-Oh oh! Or when you get really good fro-yo!"
"Am I just fro-yo now?" Panda mumbled in response.
The polar bear was quiet throughout the whole thing, switching eyes between them. Panda talking was the slowest, as he kept going over details over how he felt or how he didn't know it was happening until he wanted it. He looked to Grizz when he said that, assuring that he really did want it more than anything. Grizz smiled, and felt his heart skip a little. Their brothers silent listening skills was almost a reassurance, as Grizz was able to hear all of this through Panda's eyes. He was happy hearing Panda tell his parts.
"And now we're dating."
"In a relationship." Grizz said and winked at the polar bear. Panda frowned at that.
Their youngest brother set down his tea.
"Is Ice Bear caught up now?" He questioned.
"Totally," Grizz said, leaning over the table. "And I really mean all of it, this isn't just… us screwing around like idiots, I promise. I really love him, okay?"
The polar bear blinked, and for the first time a flash of something other than vacancy crossed his eyes. It looked like startlement.
"Yeah I… I love Grizz too." Panda responded and looked to their brother and then to Grizz.
The polar bear stood up. Panda flinched, and Grizz felt his muscles tense. The two pulled their paws away from each other when Ice Bear circled the table and stood behind them. Both bears were too nervous to turn around now, Panda even seeming to whimper quietly.
And then Ice Bear hugged the two of them, pulling their heads together and resting his own in the middle. Grizz let out a sigh and Panda giggled nervously.
"Aww," Grizz drew out the sound.
"Ice Bear is happy for his brothers." The polar bear said before standing up. He then pulled both by the ears until both Grizz and Panda cried out, and then he released them at the same time, Panda holding his paws over both of his ears.
"No secrets." The polar bear stated.
"No way," Panda said, shaking his head. "No more secrets, bro."
"No secrets," Grizz echoed, nodding his head.
A few seconds passed, and the polar bear began to walk away to the other end of the table. Grizz watched him open the stove and begin to pull out a few plates of various foods, but Panda caught his attention by pressing his face to the table, turning his head to the side and staring at Grizz. He looked tired, but he was smiling gently.
They both seemed to say with only their eyes "I cannot believe that went so well."
But Grizz leaned over and kissed Panda while their brother was still turned. He didn't pull away, but his muscles were tight before loosening. It was as if he still needed time to adjust to the feeling of being allowed to do that.
Grizz gripped his little panda charm and used his other paw to stroke his… well, his Panda.
He wanted to say he loved Panda. That he would be there for him forever. All this mushy stuff that had never crossed his mind before. But Panda looked tired, and even with food being pushed in front of him when he raised his head he rubbed at his eye sleepily.
Grizz felt his chest. Still warm and fuzzy and happy above all else. He was happier than he had been in a long time, actually.
He decided it would be best to tell him later.