"Novak," Cas's mind was abuzz. He was thinking about everything, and nothing all at once. So much had happened in the last day he couldn't focus on anything. All he knew for sure that he was in pain. So much pain.
"Novak!"
Castiel jerked up looking around seeing that he was being called. Realizing they stopped, he stood up and stumbled out.
"Novak, welcome to Cerro. For now, you will be taken to your tent and later we will find you a partner."
Cas could barely hear what the man was saying to him. He didn't even know how long he had been in the jeep. He hardly could remember much of that day except for being taken away from Dean.
At the thought, Cas felt a twinge of pain saying, "Fuck."
"What was that," the man yelled at Cas.
"Nothing sir. I- Nothing."
Cas noticed a bag was left next to him and picked it up noticing his name on it. He assumed they must have packed his things for him. Following another officer, he made it to his room.
"You have to be ready at lunch, so that leaves you one hour," the man said, before leaving Cas in his tent.
'We must have drove for at least two and a half hours,' Cas thought. He placed his bag down before sitting down on his new bed.
It didn't feel right, nothing did. Leaning into his hands, Cas felt tears forming in his eyes. 'Fuck,' he thought, 'How did I end up here.' Taking a deep breath Cas let himself cry freely. 'I'm never going to see him again. He's probably going to- or I'm going to… die.'
Dean woke up head on fire. He felt a sharp pain and had to lay back down. A medic came over to help him telling him to lay down.
"What happened," Dean asked. He looked around, taking in his environment. He felt stiff and he felt cold.
"You passed out. We're not exactly sure why, you're perfectly healthy bu-"
"Cas," Dean breathed, "Where's Cas?"
"Novak- has been transferred, to Cerro. I thought you would remember your little fuck toy being taken away from you," Dean realized the man speaking was the one who had woken them this morning, the one who had ruined everything.
"Fuck you," Dean yelled, trying to get up. The medic next to him restrained him as he struggled.
"Sir, I suggest you leave. Winchester is not in a state for visitors," the medic said.
The man huffed, turning on his heal and walking out.
Dean allowed himself to relax, now that the man was gone. He started to think about what had happened. Everything was lost. Cas was gone, taken away. 'He's gonna get hurt,' Dean thought his body tensing at the thought.
"Sir, you need to rest, right now we're monitoring you and you should be released by this evening."
Dean heard the man, but didn't react. All he could think about was Cas. He was missing, he was so far away. Dean was empty.
At seven o'clock at night, Dean was released. He made his way slowly to the dining area, taking his food to a secluded area to eat. He didn't want to see all the other men having fun, talking to each other. It reminded him too much of what he was missing.
After eating in silence, Dean threw away his leftover food and walked to his tent. He stopped right as he walked in and looked around. He felt so alone without Cas. For the last few months, they had been together all day. Cas was what made him most comfortable and now that he was gone, everything seemed wrong.
Dean decided to go to bed early that night. He had nothing left he wanted to do, no one to stay up for. After taking off his uniform he sat on his bed, trying to relax. He stared across the room to Cas's empty bed. It was still messy from this morning and the thought of last night made Dean smile, but only for a moment.
His mind back in reality, Dean felt crushed once again. He had to do something to be closer to Cas. 'I'll write him,' Dean thought, 'But how.' Dean was too exhausted to really think about exactly what he was going to do and how. Looking over at Cas's bed again he got up and walked over. Sitting on the bed he sighed and moved to lay down. He wrapped the blankets around him, taking a deep breath, he could smell Cas and it gave him some comfort. As he dozed off and began to sleep a tear left his eyes.
Cas's first day at the new base wasn't very fun. He already hated it at Cerro and he had barely been there a couple of hours. He missed Dean. Cas felt completely empty and lost without him. His whole world for the last few months had been ripped away from him in a matter of seconds.
But Cas knew he couldn't lose it here. He knew he would have to pretend like everything was ok if he was going to make it through his tour.
"Novak," Castiel heard someone call, turning he saw a superior officer and saluted, "I'm to take you where you are supposed to stay. I have also been informed of your… situation. Now I don't care about your personal business, but I will have none of that here, understood?"
"Understood," Castiel answered. He felt hurt, like salt was being rubbed into the wound that bled all over his body. 'Why would he think I would even do that with anyone else,' Castiel thought as he followed the officer, 'It's Dean, only Dean.'
The barracks here were different than the ones he was used to. These ones were more like the ones they used in training back home. So he was used to this, but that didn't make him feel any happier about the situation he was in. Putting his stuff on his new bed the officer said his goodbyes as Castiel saluted once again.
A few minutes later, some of the men began walking to wherever the dining area was. Cas didn't feel hungry. He felt sad. But he knew he should probably go get something to eat anyway even if he didn't really feel like it. Getting up, he followed the other men and got in line for his food.
Everything here was so different. Yes he was in a new place, but he was also alone. Cas felt like a part of him was missing. He missed everything about Dean, he missed simply having him by his side while they waited in line.
Cas ate his food without talking to anyone. 'I'm not here to make friends,' He thought. Castiel's whole disposition had changed. He no longer cared about others, anyone for that matter. Sure he would do what he could to help, but he felt like everyone was against him at this point.
A few days passed and the two began getting used to their new situations. Dean still didn't have a partner, and part of him was thankful for that. He didn't want anyone to take Cas's place. He knew once that happened, everything would become even more difficult.
Knocking on the General's door Dean took a deep breath. He was allowed in and sat down before the officer in front of him.
"What brings you here Winchester?"
"Sir," Dean hesitated, "I was wondering If y-you could maybe give me permission to send letters to Cas- I mean Novak."
Dean knew he wasn't allowed to get the location of Cas exactly buy he wanted to be able to send his letters to another soldier, which he was told is a bit more difficult.
"I will try. I know what you went through is tough, so I will make this a priority."
Dean let out a sigh in relief, "Expect an answer by tonight."
"Thank you so much, Sir," Dean said as he stood up saluting the General.
"No problem."
Just as Dean was told, he got an answer that night. A message was sent to him containing the information to which he could send the letter. Immediately, Dean sat down and got out a pen and paper. His heart raced as he thought about what to write. There was so much he wanted to say, so much he needed to say. His mind had been racing all day. He was confused, overwhelmed.
Dean looked down and started writing.
Hey Cas, how are you?
I miss you, a lot. This really sucks doesn't it? I'm really pissed off about what happened. Actually I'm a lot more than pissed and I'm kind of freaking out here. I guess I passed out after they took you away. But I'm fine now. So don't worry.
'I really don't want him to worry about me,' Dean thought as he continued writing.
Anyway, how are you?
'I already said that, didn't I?'
I already said that didn't I? But really, I hope you're ok. I'm so sorry this happened. They should have at least taken me away.
'This is so fucking not fair.'
Especially after what you already went through. I know Cabrillo is really rough, and I really hope you are alright. I know you will be. We will be.
Dean paused and took a deep breath. Writing this letter was much harder than he thought it would be. Dean felt like shit he felt hopeless and alone. But he knew this was important.
It's really not the same with you here. I don't really have anyone to talk to. And I don't have a partner anymore. Which I'm kind of happy about, I don't think I could handle anyone right now.
Cas I really don't know if I can do this without you. It sucks so much and we haven't even been apart for very long. Everything hurts and I feel like there's no reason for me to do anything. You give me a reason to stay strong and to keep going. And now that you're gone, it's so hard to feel motivated to do anything. But I know I'll be able to see you in a few weeks. And I'm so fucking excited for that.
God I miss you.
Dean thought about Cas's touch. He could still feel it, and it made him happy to be able to remember it. He wanted to feel that again. He thought of the feeling of Cas's body on his and when they finally became one. His heart fluttered at the thought but it sunk as he remembered what he was dealing with now.
I miss you so fucking much. Everything about you Cas. I want to kiss you so badly right now. I want to hold you and tell you everything is going to be alright. I want to run my fingers through your hair and across your back. God this is really hard. I just hope you know how much you mean to me. The only reason I think I haven't gone crazy without you is because I know I'll be able to see you when our tours are over.
Stay safe. Please stay safe. Know I'm always thinking of you, and that you're keeping me going.
Pretend my hand is laced with yours and I'm kissing you. Right now, I don't want anything in the world more than that.
~Love Dean.
Cas hates it here. Every day he thinks it's going to get better, and it never does. very day Cas feels more and more alone. He feels disconnected from everyone else. He feels abandoned.
Cas knows he wasn't really abandoned, but it feels that way. He knows Dean wants to be with him right now, or at least he thinks he does. He tries to act relatively normal, except rumours are starting to go around camp as to why he was suddenly transferred.
He's heard just about everything in the books by now. Someone asked him if he killed another officer, and he heard someone whispering that he was a special operative. It's all bullshit to him, and frankly he doesn't really care what the other men decide to think about him. He just wants to serve his time and be done with it.
He goes through the motions for a few days trying to keep his spirits up when a letter arrives.
"Holy shit," he whispers as he sees the name on the letter, 'Dean Winchester,' It reads. Cas hurries back to his room before opening it, his heart racing the whole way there. He didn't really think Dean would be able to find him. It was already pretty hard for soldiers to send letters to each other between camps but he never thought Dean would get his information.
Ripping open the letter Cas's heart skipped a beat as he began reading.
I miss you, a lot. This really sucks doesn't it?
'I miss you too. Yea this fucking sucks.'
I guess I passed out after they took you away. But I'm fine now. So don't worry.
'Don't worry are you fucking kidding me? What the hell Dean?'
I already said that didn't I?
'Dork.'
Cas I really don't know if I can do this without you. It sucks so much and we haven't even been apart for very long. Everything hurts and I feel like there's no reason for me to do anything.
Cas felt his heart clench up. He knew exactly what Dean meant, he knew exactly how he felt. But he couldn't do anything about it.
You give me a reason to stay strong and to keep going. And now that you're gone, it's so hard to feel motivated to do anything. But I know I'll be able to see you in a few weeks. And I'm so fucking excited for that.
Cas didn't want anything in the world more than to see Dean right now. He felt like shit, but he knew Dean could make it better. They needed to be together, Cas needs him.
I miss you so fucking much. Everything about you Cas. I want to kiss you so badly right now. I want to hold you and tell you everything is going to be alright.
Cas felt his eyes begin to fill with tears as he read. He felt his heart sink as he was reminded of their separation, of how far apart they truly were.
The only reason I think I haven't gone crazy without you is because I know I'll be able to see you when our tours are over.
'I want to see you so badly,' Cas thought as a tear fell blurring the letters on the page.
Pretend my hand is laced with yours and I'm kissing you. Right now, I don't want anything in the world more than that.
Cas let himself cry now. He felt his heart giving out as the pain hit him once again. He knew Dean wanted to be with him, he knew he was there in spirit, but he still felt so alone.
~Love Dean.
Cas read the line over and over again, 'Love Dean.' He tried to control himself, but the tears just kept coming. He clenched his fist around the sheet he was sitting on as he whispered, "I love you." Over and over again Cas whispered the words. Cas knew he was in love with Dean and that he had fallen hard. Looking back at the words Dean had written, Cas couldn't help but think, 'Maybe he loves me too.'
Cas let himself sit there and cry. He knew he needed it. But after a few minutes and after reading the letter again. He pulled out some paper, a pen, and an envelope and began writing.
Cas didn't know exactly what to say, so he wrote everything that came to his mind.
Dear Dean,
I'm glad you're ok. I miss you so much. I want to tell you that everything is ok and that I'm doing fine here, but I'm not. It sucks. Everything hurts without you and I feel so alone. I have barely spoken in the last few days, since we left each other, and I'm finding it very difficult to get used to being here, without you.
I can't believe you fainted you dork! Seriously, what are we going to do without each other? But try not to worry about me too much, I'll be ok. Like you said, 'We'll be ok.'
God, I don't even know what I'm writing I just miss you so much, God this sucks. But I want you to know that I'm so thankful for you. Everything you have given me so far has been amazing. I'm so grateful for you and you already have changed my life so much, I want you to know that.
Don't forget how much you mean to me. Please never forget that. Remember that I'll stay safe, and that we'll see each other soon. And when we do, I'm gonna kiss you so hard you won't even remember that we were separated.
Stay strong Dean. Know that I'm always thinking about you and that we both are going to be ok. I'll see you soon.
Love, Cas
Cas sealed the envelope and went out to send it to Dean. The air was cold and it hit him as he exited his quarters. Cas couldn't stop thinking about Dean's letter that he had send. He was thankful for it, and it really meant a lot to Cas.
Stopping in front of the mail slot, Cas held the letter tight and took a deep breath before pushing the envelope through the slip and walking away. He hoped Dean would get the letter soon and he would hear back quickly as well. What he really wanted was for Dean to be by his side, but he knew that wasn't going to happen.
Dean was finally assigned to work outside of camp. He was partly relieved for the change of pace, the distraction, but he missed the safety of the base. Currently he was stationed in a nearby town guarding the people and doing research on the area and its inhabitants, maintaining control.
He enjoyed the work, and had been assigned to group with new partners, two of them. Alcaraz and Getz were pretty cool, Dean thought, and he seemed to be getting along with them well enough. But he still fucking missed Cas.
His time at his new post was pretty uneventful. He heard reports of increased enemy activity, but they had yet to see it themselves. Despite the relative peace in their area, each day was tense. They had to be ready for anything. Just a few days prior a camp about seventy miles away had been attacked, and it didn't end well for either side.
When Dean got back to his room that night he saw a letter on his bed. It had been almost a week since he had sent his letter to Cas, and he was starting to wonder if it had even sent.
Dean immediately sat down, dropping his things, and ripped open the envelope. 'It's from Cas,' He thought as he began reading. He felt his heart sink as he read Cas describing how terrible he felt without Dean.
Laughing at Cas calling him a 'dork' for passing out, Dean felt his heart rise slightly.
'We'll be ok,' he read, repeating the words softly to himself.
'-You already have changed my life so much, I want you to know that,' Dean wanted to know what that meant. Had he really changed Cas's life, Cas certainly changed his. He continued reading, 'Don't forget how much you mean to me. Please never forget that.'
"I love you Cas," Dean said to himself feeling his heart rate quicken.
Dean found himself laughing soon after reading that Cas was going to kiss him so hard it would be as if they were never apart.
'Love Cas.'
'Love,' Dean read over and over again. "Love," he said out loud, trying to make sense of it all. He tried to remember what he had written. 'Maybe Cas just wanted to say what I said, and try not to make it awkward. I mean, there aren't many other good closings…'
Dean put the thought behind him as he got out his pen and paper and began writing. He wanted to tell Cas so much, to show him so much. But writing would have to do for now.