Today was another long day of working at Buy More. And then I'd promised Ellie that Sarah would come by and we'd watch a movie as a double-date this evening. Ellie's always trying to look out for me. And for Sarah. And for the me-and-Sarah relationship. It's very sweet.

When Sarah got to our place, she looked so fresh and awake. How does she do that? With a brutally late night last night, working a full shift, and a ton of reports (I'm sure), she should be totally exhausted, like I am. But she smiled and glowed like she had all the energy in the world – like she'd been looking forward to the fake date all day. Yeah, she was as fresh as a daisy. But me? Even with her coming, I was really fighting the mental cobwebs. I'm just so tired and out-of-it.

We watched … I have no idea what movie played. I was so totally lost in Sarah again. We were on the couch, snuggling together. Except the couch isn't really quite wide enough for us both to fit, so I generally help hold her up. That means my arm's around her waist, touching her, pulling her tight against me, for the whole movie. It means I can feel every reaction, every laugh, every flinch, every wince.

It also means her hair is right by my face. Her hair is more interesting to watch than the movie. It also smells so wonderful. I don't know what kind of shampoo she uses. Or if it's perfume or hairspray or what. But I know that it smells wonderful. It fills my nose and fills my mind.

And then she'd laugh at something in the movie. And touch took over. Because I could feel her whole body pressed up against mine. It sent shivers through me. My chest, my arm, my hand, my legs. They all reacted to her when she reacted to the movie. And then I tried to drag my attention back to the movie. But I failed, time and again. Like so often, all I could think about was Sarah.

What am I supposed to do about Sarah? I know it's supposed to be just a cover relationship. But Ellie and Awesome believe it's real. Morgan believes. Heck, I think sometimes Casey thinks it's real. Bryce believed it was real. Jack believed it. I want to believe it's real. I want it to be real.

Or do I? I don't want to lose my friendship with Sarah. I don't want to force something that isn't really there. Or that might develop into something which will drive us apart. Are we strong enough to have a real relationship? What would it mean?

There are times when I swear Sarah wants us to have a real relationship, too. Times when she shows up at the Buy More for no mission reason, no cover reason, but just to check on me and see how I'm doing. And times when she'll reach out and grab my hand, when it can't be for cover, because no one is around or watching.

Or am I reading it wrong? Is it just a friendship for her? As lonely as my life sometimes is, hers has to be much worse. Granted, I can't tell Ellie or Morgan everything, but I can really talk to them. I can tell them a lot of what I'm feeling and wondering, in many parts of my life. Sarah doesn't have anyone like that. Well, she has me, but she's understandably reluctant to just talk. I wonder how long it's been since she's had a true friend that she could depend on. I wonder if she's ever had somebody she could trust.

She can trust me. I would never betray her. Haven't I proven that to her enough? Haven't I shown her that I would never knowingly hurt her? Or have I screwed up and hurt her already? I hope not. If I could really believe that our relationship were real, truly believe that we had a future instead of just a present, I would prove to her everyday how much she means to me.

But she's a CIA agent. I'm just an asset to her – or so she has said. Other people have told me that she cares about me. LOTS of people. But are they really seeing her (the real person) or is she just the consummate actress? She seems to be able to fool anyone around her into believing that her feelings are genuine. Has she just fooled them all? Or us all, I guess, since I so want to believe that my hunch that her feelings are real is true.

There are times when I feel like I'm so close to penetrating that mask, so close to knowing what really drives her, to knowing the person behind the agent, the person beneath the beauty. And then there are times when I feel like I don't know her at all. Times when she pushes me away as though I'm a pariah. I want to think that's her defense mechanism, but it's just as likely that she's simply not interested.

I wish I wasn't so interested. I've been interested since I first saw her. It's not just her drop-dead gorgeous looks (that's an entry all to itself), but it's her ready wit, her sense of humor, and her smile. She really is my dream girl in so many ways. Or acts it well enough that I can't tell the difference. But this being so close and yet so far away is driving me crazy. I sometimes think that I'd be better off not knowing what I'm missing.

But then again, I can't be mad or upset that she's come into my life. Everything is so much more real with her around. I feel so much more alive when we're together, even if it's just eating a cover lunch together at the Orange Orange. I look forward to our time together. It even makes missions tolerable. Or more than tolerable. What would I do without her?

I don't want to think about that. I know she's in a dangerous job. I know she'd willingly sacrifice her life for mine. And that scares the bejeezus out of me. Cause I'd sacrifice my life for hers. If it weren't for the intersect, everybody would agree that's a good trade. But I don't want either of us to die. I want us to both live. Together.

That doesn't even get into the whole reassignment/locked-in-a-bunker problem. As much as I love Morgan and Ellie, they're no longer enough. If Sarah left, I'd be in huge trouble – it took me five years to get over my last relationship. I'm not sure if/how I'd ever get over this one, even if it's not real. Moving to a bunker would mean leaving everybody behind. I can't imagine how I'd react to such a situation, but I can't imagine how I would survive. No Ellie. No Morgan. No Sarah. It'd be too much.

Well, I suppose that's at least 500 words. Time to go to bed. And then see what tomorrow brings.