An extra long chapter for you guys today, as I'm on a 10 hour flight tomorrow so probably won't have enough time to get anything published. Hopefully the next chapter will be up on Sunday or early next week. Thanks for the reviews!

Claire.

One morning I was awoken by my mother's newest maid and told that I had to get up to go wedding dress shopping. I checked the time on my bedside clock and it read 9am. Leaving Alec in bed alone, I dressed quickly and ran a brush through my hair, deciding that leaving it down would have to do. Despite the occasion, I knew the way my hair looked, or how I'd done my makeup, wouldn't really matter. It wouldn't alter how hideous or how nice I looked in a wedding dress. I just didn't feel like bothering.

My mother made us take a driver to go shopping in the town centre, which seemed far too dramatic and over the top to me. She had told me that I'd be thankful for it by the end of our trip, when we would no doubt be too tired to walk home or drive ourselves, but I just felt like it was an excuse for her to show off and treat herself, and avoid getting the bus at all costs. Nothing looked more classy than stepping out of a car aided by a driver in formal attire.

Shopping in Shermer didn't ever have too much to offer but my mom insisted that we went into Bridal Beauties Boutique on the main street because that was where she had bought her wedding dress from. Hers had been an awful flowing number, cream with little pearls on the neckline. I definitely didn't want anything like that. But I knew I probably wouldn't win a fight over it with my mother, as she started pointing to various oversized skirts and puff sleeved bodices displayed in the store window.

We went inside the building, and the woman at the desk came over to us. Apparently she knew my mother.

"Rossy, darling!" she called, her voice as loud as her bright blue eye makeup.

"Mary, it's been far too long!" my mother replied, giving air kisses to the woman.

"Oh, but you look just as fabulous as always!"

My mother laughed strangely, and I recognised it as her fake laugh. I suddenly knew why it had been so long since she had seen Mary; my mother didn't like her.

"Well, I look alright," she underplayed herself, shrugging her shoulder theatrically. Then she took me by my shoulders and thrust me towards Mary. "This is my daughter, Claire. She's come today to find her wedding dress."

I smiled at Mary as best I could. I wasn't sure if it was because of my lack of breakfast this morning or too much wine at dinner last night, but I didn't feel so great.

"Oh, we've just got wonderful new pieces in. Fresh from the summer/fall '89 catalogue!" Mary told me.

"Perfect," my mother responded for me.

I just carried on looking at them both with my plastered on smile.

"I'll take your measurements, Claire, and then we can start the fitting. Heavens, look at your slender little waist! You're going to look fabulous!"

I was taken into another room that was large and circular, with changing rooms to the side. There was a wall of mirrors and in the middle was a podium, which Mary immediately led me to.

Some time later, I was fitted into my first dress. The neckline was low, more suited to a much more ample woman than I was. Unfortunately, I still had a chest that made me look like a 12 year old boy, so it looked ridiculous and it gaped dramatically, almost exposing my bare chest to the world.

Mary tutted at the sight, and made me try something else.

The next one was tight all over, except for at the knees where it flared out widely with netting. Its straps were low on my arms, giving it what Mary had described as a 'Parisian' look. As I turned and looked at myself in the mirror, I found myself actually quite liking it. It was trendy and modern, not at all like my mother's dress.

"I don't like it," my mother suddenly said, getting up from her seat. She inspected me all around, touching and prodding at the dress in various places, but a look of disgust remained on her face. I pulled at the dress to try to make it feel comfortable on my body again, but with my mother's disapproval, I just couldn't.

"Not to worry, there's plenty more to try," Mary said quickly, obviously very much wanting our business.

They always said third time was a charm. I never knew who 'they' was, but the saying rang true for my mother. When I exited the changing room with the next dress on, she clapped her hands together and gasped at the sight of me. Mary was smiling brightly at the both of us. I stepped onto the stand and into the light, and got a good look at myself in the mirror as Mary began zipping the clothing up the rest of my back where I couldn't reach.

The dress was definitely something. It had long lace sleeves that puffed out at the shoulders, making me look broad and emphasising my boyish figure. It was not low cut like the others; instead it went up to my neck in intricate lace design. The detail was beautiful, but with it all together it looked cluttered and messy. It had a long train that would probably require all of my bridesmaids to hold on to it to prevent me from tripping on the big day.

My mother stepped forward towards me. Her eyes were watering.

"Oh, Claire, darling," you look beautiful," she said quietly, looking at me in the mirror as I looked back at myself. I nodded, but didn't feel it. I felt stupid and childish.

"You remind me so much of myself when I was younger," my mother carried on, reaching into her purse to fetch out tissues to dab at her eyes, so as to prevent her makeup from running.

"I do?" I asked, turning and looking down at her. She nodded.

"So much so. So young and beautiful. I had a figure like yours once." She put her hand on the sleeve of my dress, feeling the puffs. "You may not think it now, but your wedding day will be the best day of your life. I promise you."

I was confused my her statement. Did she know that I was feeling unsure now of the whole ordeal?

I loved Alec, but going through all the things my parents had forced on us so far had been a nightmare. Alec was a good man, the best I had ever known, but he showed intentions of listening to my father, forcing me along with him. He always looked out for me, tried to do what was best. That was the problem.

I wanted to ask my mother what she had meant, mostly whether she had been second-guessing things as well during the lead up to her own wedding. I wanted to know that it was a normal thing, that I wasn't a horrible person. A daughter wanted her mother's advice. But then Mary re-entered the room, having gone in search of more wedding dresses in my size (which, it turned out, was not a very popular one on account of the lack of boobs).

"Heavens, Claire, that's the dress!" she said.

My mother stepped away from me to let Mary inspect the fit, and the moment was lost. At least my wedding dress had been found, though.

Drinks with my old high school friends had gone as I had expected. Steff had arranged it, calling me first to find out what day I was free, then talking to the others. They had taken to calling it my bachelorette party, and every time they went up to the bar to get us more drinks, they reminded the bartender and everyone else who would listen. Despite all the years it had been since we'd seen each other and properly hung out, they had remained the same. Flirtatious and gorgeous, just the same as they had been in high school. They were also just as spiteful, and sneered at the men who paid too much attention to them.

I wanted to think I was worlds apart from them, having been around people that brought me down to earth again, but as the night went on I started thinking that we were really all the same as we had always been.

Benny had always loved parties when we were younger. She was the one who got us invited at the weekends, even at houses of people that didn't go to our school. That night she was always the first to finish her drinks, meaning she spent more time ordering at the bar than sitting and talking with us.

Heather had married the year she left high school to her then-boyfriend. I didn't remember him well, not even his name, but she told me it was just as well because she had divorced him a year later and was now part of an affair with a married lawyer. I knocked back my drink when she told me that, but she said if I was worried about the same happening to me and Alec, I shouldn't. She somehow knew we would stay together.

Steff had always been the kindest to me out of all of them. She stayed by my side all night, chatting to me about the college she had graduated from this past May, and the things she had done while there. Steff's family were even more well off than mine, and often funded her extravagant trips around the globe that she told me about happily. It made me envious how well travelled she was, how much she had seen in such a short time. She insisted that the next time she went away, we would go together. I told her I would definitely take her up on the offer.

"I wouldn't say I'm addicted to having a relationship," Heather told Benny, as they bickered jokingly about her constantly 'taken' relationship status. "I'd say I'm more addicted to the sex."

"Yeah, well you were always that way at Shermer," I said, laughing along with the rest of them.

Heather nodded, taking a drag from her cigarette.

"It's so true. I was such a slut."

"I think we all were," Steff said, shaking her head. "I can't believe it. I can't even count how many people I've had it with on two hands."

"People?" Benny said.

"Well, when in Rome…" Steff giggled, and we all laughed along, not wanting to go into more detail.

"I think the only one out of all of us who wasn't a giant slut was you, Claire," Heather suddenly said. I smiled, not knowing whether to respond or not. I knew it was true; I had always been a prude, and they had all been loose.

"I always thought you'd get married first, not Heather. Married and then have sex. But Alec is so yummy, I bet you didn't want to wait," Benny said, leaning into the table and grinning at me.

Heather breathed out another puff of smoke, then passed her lighter along to Benny who had just got a cigarette out for herself.

"Alec wasn't her first boyfriend, though," she said.

"No, you're right," I said, really hoping this wasn't going where I thought it was.

"Wait, who was her first boyfriend?" Steff asked.

"John Bender!" Benny said, way too loudly, and they all burst into fits of laughter.

"I remember now! He was at the engagement party, wasn't he? God, he was a mess in school, but he cleans up well," Heather said.

"John's changed a lot," I offered.

"You got that right. But he wasn't so bad at high school. I liked the rugged look."

"You told me you all hated him at the time!" I said.

"That's because he was an ass to all of us. He had such a horrible attitude," said Steff. The other two girls nodded.

"Well, he's changed."

"Why are you defending him?" Heather asked, and I paused. Why was I defending him? I had nothing to gain from doing that. I shrugged my shoulders.

"I just don't want you ragging on my first ever boyfriend," I said, as if it was nothing.

"Was he the first ever guy you…" Benny stopped, then acted out putting her finger through a hole she made with her other fingers. The other girls cackled with laughter, and I laughed too, but felt extremely embarrassed at the same time.

"I don't kiss and tell!"

"Oh, go on, we're your best friends!"

I smiled. They weren't. But the thought was nice.

"Yeah, he was," I finally admitted. They all made 'ooh' noises, then seemed to grow bored with the conversation and moved on to talk about being my bridesmaids. My mother had insisted that I gave them the roles, saying that it would make the wedding even more aesthetically pleasing. I had wanted to ask Allison, but my mother said she could be a flower girl or give out the programs instead. I just told her I wouldn't bother.

The girls were on their 3rd, 4th drinks, and I had barely finished my 2nd. I was no longer in the mood for it, my evening ruined by the conversation about John and me. It was a sure fire way to put a downer on everything.

"Claire, are you alright?" Steff whispered in my ear as she put her arm around me, trying not to alert the other girls that something was wrong.

"I'm fine, I just don't feel so good," I said.

"Don't drink anymore, it won't help."

"Thanks, I won't."

Steff went back to talking. Despite her being the nicest, she didn't want to miss out on having fun herself. I didn't want to be there anymore. I didn't want to hear about their matching dresses and hair accessories, or their plans to dye a streak of their hair ginger in honour of my own red hair. I just wanted to leave.

I stood up from the table, grabbing my purse as I did.

"I'm sorry, guys, I feel a bit queasy. I'm going to go to the bathroom," I said.

As I left, I heard Heather ask the two other girls loudly: "You don't suppose she's pregnant, do you?"

I took one of the doors out into the corridor we had entered through, and began walking towards the women's toilets. On the way into the bar I had noticed a pay-phone on the wall, so I walked towards it and started slotting coins in it to pay for the call I was about to make.

I knew I should've called Alec to come pick me up, but my fingers quickly dialled a number and I didn't realise who I was calling until someone picked up the phone.

"Yeah?" a woman's voice said. It sounded dry and husky, like she had smoked cigarettes all her life.

It was John's mother.

I realised then my mistake of calling his home number when he didn't even live in his old home anymore. Just his parents lived there now, the same as they always had been; absolutely awful. I quickly hung up, and cursed myself under my breath. Of course he wouldn't be there.

Why did I even want to speak to him?

I still had a few quarters left in the machine, so I tried a different number. This time another female picked up, and I recognised the voice as being Allison's. Thank god she was at home.

"Hello?" she said, something sounding off in her voice, as if she was panicked or upset.

"Allison? It's Claire. Are you okay?" I asked, distracted by it.

"I'm fine. Are you?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. Actually, I'm not. This is going to sound so stupid and weird, but do you know where I would find John tonight?"

"Huh?" She was obviously as taken aback by the question as I had been.

"I need to talk to him."

"Oh. Well, I guess you could try at the Romany. God knows everyone and their mother is always there." In the background, I heard Andy say something loudly. I must have caught them in the middle of a fight.

"Thanks, Allison, I'll try it. And if you need to talk…"

"It's fine, Claire. I've got to go."

She hung up the phone, leaving me with just the beeping tone, alone in the corridor.

I headed out back to the table a few minutes later.

"I called Alec while I was out in the bathroom. He's come to pick me up. He's outside now," I told them.

"Aw, no fun!" Heather said. Steff stood to give me a hug goodbye, and they all followed after her.

"I'm sorry, guys, wedding planning is tiring."

"I know the feeling," Heather said, and Benny elbowed her.

"Well, I guess we'll see you on the big day!" Steff said.

"Yeah," I said. My reply had come out weak, but I doubted they would notice in such a noisy and crowded room. I left back to the door shortly after.

I needed a sense of normalcy right now. Someone who wouldn't talk to me about the weather on the wedding day, or the colour theme, or tell me how perfect Alec was for me. I needed someone who could talk to me about anything but the wedding, make me feel sane and humble again, like I was still my own person and not so attached. I wanted to just be Claire, not the Claire Standish, engaged and supposedly happy. John was the only person I knew who could offer me that.

I left the bar and walking into the street, looking out at the road as if trying to fool myself that Alec really was picking me up. In the distance I could see the glow of the neon Romany sign seemingly guiding the way forward. I sighed, and followed it.

Along the way, I passed a man sitting on the floor of the sidewalk. I kept my head down to avoid him, but couldn't help but glance as I passed. He met my eyes.

"What's a pretty little thing doing alone on a night like this?" he called after me.

I ignored him.

"Aw, why you gotta walk away from me?" he spoke again.

By now, I was already distancing myself from him.

"At least let me buy you a drink, sweets!"

I made my escape by walking into the Romany.

Whenever I entered the place, I always expected it to be packed, and tonight was no exception. I began trying to squeeze through the crowd, having to full on push one man out the way when he seemed so hell bent to stay still that I couldn't get through. When I made it to the bar, I rested my hand on it and stood on my tip toes to look around the room in search of the man I had come here to see. I checked the usual table, but someone else was sitting in the seats, and he wasn't by the stage. When I had almost given up, figuring he was just at home tonight, I looked at the bar just across from where I was. There John was, drinking a beer, and flicking around an empty packet of nuts. He looked bored out of his mind, and he was alone. I made my way to approach him.

I took a seat beside him, but he didn't notice me.

"Hey," I said, leaning in so he could hear me. When he finally looked up, I sat back again and watched as he frowned at me, clearly confused. I knew I would feel confused too if I had been in his position.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, putting his beer down on the bar and turning around in his chair to face me more.

I shrugged my shoulders at him.

"I was out with my old friends from high school a few bars down. I figured I'd find you here."

"Oh, you mean bitchy 1, 2 and 3?"

I playfully hit his shoulder, but couldn't stop myself from smiling at the name. He smiled, too.

"You want a drink?" he asked.

"Sure. I'll have a…uh…cranberry and soda."

He snorted at my choice.

"Cranberry and soda? Come on, Princess, you're in a bar."

"Cranberry and vodka?"

He raised his eyebrows at me.

"What happened to the girl who used to finish my beers for me because she liked the taste?"

"Fine. I'll have a beer, then!" I said, finally admitting defeat. He grinned at me, and called the bartender over to get 2 beers for both of us. When we were served our drinks, he picked his up and raised it towards me. I responded by raising mine back, clinking our glasses together, then we drank. I took it away from my lips afterward, pulling a face.

"I'd forgotten what this tasted like," I said. "I'm not sure if I like it anymore."

"College really did change you, huh?"

"Oh, please. I just refined my tastes."

"Yeah, I can see that."

We looked at each other; I broke eye contact first.

"So what are you really doing here?" he asked me. I sighed, not looking back up at him, looking down at my bottle instead.

"I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment."

"Why's that?"

"Wedding stuff."

"Oh," he said, not commenting further.

"Sorry. I didn't want to mention it."

"Why not? You're getting married. That's a thing now, apparently."

"Let's talk about something else," I said quickly, finally looking back at him.

"Like what?"

I thought for a moment, then smiled as I remembered something.

"Remember that time we stole my dad's car?"

"What about it?"

"It was around this time during our last summer together. You called me spoilt because I refused to drive the car they got me for my 16th birthday, but we wanted to go somewhere and the car was in the garage."

"Yeah, but you wouldn't let me drive."

"That's because you couldn't drive!"

"Please. I would've been great. I still can't drive, though. Legally, at least."

"It was a nice drive, though," I said.

John paused, leaning in to me now as he spoke.

"You remember what we did when we stopped the car?"

I shook my head.

"Well, I climbed in the back," he carried on, "and told you to join me. When you tried to climb like I did, you fell and bumped your head."

I was smiling again now, remembering it.

"So I helped you get back up, and I examined your head. Then we…er… Well." He raised his eyebrows and whistled, as if to suggest something.

"I don't remember that," I said.

"You leaned in to kiss me, to thank me. And then we had sex in the backseat of the car. You remember that?" His voice was deep and sounding husky, and I realised just how close he had gotten to me while he told the story. I felt hot, uncomfortably so, not the nice kind.

"I…No…" I stuttered.

"Come on, Claire. Don't tell me you forgot the most important part? You told me it was the best you'd ever had, because it felt so bad…"

"John," I whispered, watching as he leaned in even closer to me.

He didn't stop moving, and I could smell him again as he drew even nearer. I looked over the features of his face, up close again for the first time since I was a teenager. His skin was tan and as rough as it had always been, despite him being completely clean shaven. His brown eyes were staring into my own, and as I watched his close, mine fluttered shut in response. It was only when his lips were almost touching mine that I realised what was happening and moved my head away from him, not allowing myself to let it happen.

John breathed out harshly, then moved his head back as well, refusing to turn back to look at me.

"What the fuck do you want from me, Claire?" he said, his voice no longer soft, but now sounding angry. I didn't say anything, and he finally looked up at me. "You come here, telling me you were looking for me, and then start telling me stories about when we were still together? Coincidentally one that ended in us doing something so intimate… Especially after what I told you last time I saw you… Fuck, Claire. I don't know what you want from me. But if this is one of your mind games, I'm not playing this time."

"It's not like that. I'm not playing a mind game. I just…"

"Just what?"

"I can't cheat on Alec. I'm not a cheater."

"Oh, and what? I'm the bad guy here?"

"You're the one who tried to kiss me."

"Well, you're the one who came looking for your ex-boyfriend, not the other way around."

He grabbed his beer and began to drink from it quickly, nearly finishing the bottle. I ran a hand through my hair, turning away from him and looking around the room as if looking now for an escape. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him staring down at the bar, no longer looking angry, but now sad.

"I'm sorry, John," I said.

"Don't do this to me anymore, alright? You know how I feel. You told me you felt nothing. So don't do this again."

"I just wanted to talk to someone who kept me sane."

"Well, right now I'm talking to someone who makes me insane."

"I didn't know."

"Yeah, you never do." He watched as the bartender came to take away his empty drink, then glanced over at me. "I'm going to San Diego next week."

"You took the job?"

"Yeah. There's nothing left for me here anymore."

"That's not completely true."

"Either way, I'm going. I'm leaving this town for good."

I bit my lip. I didn't know how to feel about any of this.

"Will you keep in touch?" I asked him.

"What good will that do?"

"I…I don't know."

I knew then that I didn't want him to go, never wanted him to leave. I always wanted to know he was there, still the boy in Shermer I once loved so much. Maybe this all was a mind game. I didn't know who's mind it was affecting the most, though; his or mine.

"You know, Claire, if you love Alec so much that you won't cheat on him, then why are you here with me?" John suddenly asked me.

"I'm not sure," I admitted.

"Look, as much as I hate the guy, and I really hate him, this isn't fair on him. Believe me, I want you to stay here so badly that sometimes it fucking hurts, but I think you should go home now."

I stood up from the barstool.

"You want to share a cab?" he asked, "I gotta make sure you get home, at the very least."

I nodded, and we left the building together.

John hailed a cab quickly, as this time of night and this part of town was the best business for the drivers. We both climbed in the back, him letting me go first, and then he told the driver the address of my parent's house.

We sat in silence for a while. I watched out the window as the town lights began to fade and we moved into the residential areas, nearing my own home. I was half aware of John sometimes glancing over at me, but he never said anything.

Finally, I allowed myself to look back at him.

"I probably won't see you again before I go to San Diego," he said, keeping our voices down in front of the driver.

"You're not coming to the wedding?"

"You think I would anyway?"

It was a good point.

"My flight is on the 30th," he said.

"Wow… I didn't realise how soon it was."

"You forget that you encouraged me to accept it. You told me…"

"I know what I said," I suddenly snapped, sick of having all this blame put on me. "I'm not a bad person, John. I don't care what you've imagined up in your mind since we separated. We fought all the time over stupid things and I knew I couldn't live like that. I'm not some bitch who always nagged at you and told you what to do."

"I'm sorry," he said, a word I'd never heard him use before. I didn't know what he was referring to; tonight, or in general.

"What?" It had caught me off guard.

"I'm not going to repeat it. You heard me."

Well, it had been a start, at least.

"I'm sorry, too," I said. "I have been every day since."

"Yeah, me too."

The car stopped at the top of my driveway, and I looked back at John almost wishing the drive had been longer.

"Guess this is my stop," I said quietly.

"I guess so," he said back. He looked like he was glaring, not at me, but at my house.

"Hey, John," I said, and he looked at me. Carefully, so as not to make anything inappropriate, I leaned in and pecked him on his cheek. As I pulled away, I saw that the hole in his ear had closed up, the earring long gone. I looked back at him when I was back in my seat, his eyes were wide as he stared at me.

"I guess you got rid of that old earring?" I said.

He didn't say anything, just held up the sleeve of his jacket and showed me where his cufflink was. I recognised it immediately as the old diamond. Something caught in my throat, and I couldn't look at him again.

"I hope San Diego treats you well," I said, then exited the car before the cab driver could complain at us for holding him up. I didn't turn to look back as I walked down the drive, wishing it was easy for me to let John go in the same way. But he had come back into my life again, and he never made anything that easy for me. I bit down on my tongue hard to prevent myself from crying, feeling like I was 18 and he was leaving me again.