Disclaimer: I can't even control these characters, so you can bet I don't own them. But if I did, and Scotty weren't into Olympic beach volleyball, I'd see how he felt about diving.
Chapter Eleven: Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of
The next morning, Lilly awoke to the insistent buzz of her alarm clock and winced at the protest of overused muscles from their…making up the night before. Scotty, who usually woke up first, still slept soundly, so she guessed he'd been as worn out as she was. A slight smile crossed her face as she leaned over him to silence the alarm. She wasn't sure exactly how she'd wound up on the wrong side of the bed, but she supposed it didn't matter.
Some combination of her alarm clock and her reaching over him to turn it off woke Scotty, and she smiled down at him as his eyes fluttered open. He responded with a broad grin of his own.
"Mornin', querida," he greeted her, kissing her tenderly.
"Morning," Lilly returned softly, then impulsively began to plant kisses on Scotty's neck.
"Hey, I got an idea," he suggested playfully, tangling his fingers in her hair.
"What's that?" she asked against his skin.
Scotty murmured in delight as she continued to kiss him. "How 'bout we play hooky… spend the day in bed…" he suggested, his tone indicating that he was only half-kidding.
"Mmmmmm….tempting," Lilly purred as Scotty trailed kisses down the center of her throat.
"No kiddin'," Scotty agreed, feeling renewed desire rising within. He'd thought, after last night, that he'd have been satisfied, at least for a little while, but mere moments of wakefulness and he wanted her again. God, would he ever get enough of this woman?
"Very…very tempting," Lilly managed, inhaling sharply as Scotty's kisses, and his hands, slipped lower.
"I'm callin' us in sick," Scotty announced, still kissing her as he groped blindly for his phone. Lilly's hand on his stopped him.
"We've got a case to solve, Valens," she protested, suddenly businesslike. How the hell did she do that, he wondered. Did she have a switch? Because he sure as hell didn't.
He wished he did, though, because in that brief pause, his conscience took the opportunity to insist that Lilly was right, but his libido remained fervently unconvinced. Dammit.
"Okay," he agreed reluctantly, letting go of his phone and returning his hand to caress Lilly's satiny skin. "But…later…we're pickin' this up…right…where we…left off," he declared, punctuating his words with more tender kisses.
Lilly paused. She knew that if they didn't get out of bed that instant, they would, in fact, spend the day there. And she couldn't do that. Not today. She still needed to take some space…think things over…and a day in bed with Scotty, slice of Heaven though that would be, wasn't exactly the best way to make progress.
Instantly, Scotty sensed the change in his girlfriend's demeanor, sensed her slipping behind her mask again, and he felt like punching the pillows. Truth be told, he'd been hoping that all the "making up" they'd done the night before would make her forget entirely about that space…thing she'd been so insistent on. Oh, intellectually, he knew it was probably for the best, but his emotions protested mightily. Giving Lilly Rush room to run, no matter how many times she swore she wouldn't, just didn't seem like a good idea to him. Sounded like a surefire way to get his heart broken.
Reading the change in Scotty's eyes, knowing he was going back to his dark place, that place where he didn't trust her and he didn't believe her and he assumed the worst, Lilly sprang into action, gently capturing his face in her hands.
"Scotty," she said almost sharply, and he was forced to look at her. "I love you. More than anything. You know that, right?"
Scotty gazed up into her eyes and saw nothing there but pure, shining love, and his fears were calmed, at least for the moment.
"Yeah. Yeah…I know," he replied, brushing a stray lock of hair behind her ear. "And…you know I love you, don't you?"
Lilly smiled. "How could I not?" she asked in response, giving him another brief kiss. "Which is why…"
"You need space," he finished reluctantly, sliding his fingers down her arms and clasping her hands in his. "You gotta…figure out…whatever it is you gotta figure out."
Lilly sighed. She could tell Scotty still didn't understand, still didn't get it, and she hadn't the faintest idea how to make him get it. She just hoped to God she could get her act together and figure out how she could do this thing before he got tired of waiting for her and ran for the hills like everybody else.
Not trusting her voice, she merely nodded, then rolled to the side.
"So…this…space thing…" Scotty began uncertainly, turning toward her and propping himself up on one elbow. "How's that work, anyway?"
Lilly's eyes suddenly widened. How did this work? She'd never had anyone actually seem willing to give her space without up and leaving her before.
"I--I don't know," she replied honestly.
"You just…want me to leave you alone?" Scotty asked with a confused frown.
Lilly thought for a moment. "No," she answered slowly. "But…I might not spend as much time with you…I need to think. So…maybe it's best if you stay at your place for a couple days."
Scotty let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. It could have been worse. A couple days. A couple days, and it'd be back to normal. He could potentially live without Lilly for a couple days.
"You're…still speakin' to me, right?" he asked, with a tentative lopsided grin.
"Of course," Lilly replied with a mystified smile. "I just…might not be around as much."
Scotty sighed again and looked at her warily. "You're…sure this'll work?"
Lilly paused. No, actually, she wasn't sure. She'd never been here before. She and Patrick hadn't wanted kids, so that problem just didn't exist for them; she and Ray had never even talked about it, and she hadn't been with anyone else long enough for the subject to even come up.
That hesitation from her was all that was necessary to start the frenzied thoughts whirling in Scotty's mind once more. She wasn't sure. The outcome wasn't guaranteed. What the hell was he agreeing to?
"Lil," he began, trying hard to keep the panic out of his voice. "You don't have to do this. You know all I want is you. I don't need kids with you to be happy. If the kid thing is gonna be a problem, we can--"
Lilly silenced him with a look and a sad smile. "Stop it," she ordered him softly. "I saw the look in your eyes when you were with those kids at your grandma's birthday. I saw how happy they made you."
"They don't make me half as happy as you do," he protested almost bitterly, his thoughts still spinning out of control and his mood rapidly darkening. All this, and it still might be over.
He knew Lilly was still talking, but he'd be damned if he had any idea what she said next.
"This isn't just about you, Scotty," Lilly was insisting quietly. "This isn't about me giving you what you want…it's about giving us what we want. I just…need to know that I can. So…give me a couple days to think."
Scotty nodded, then wordlessly rose from the bed and started hunting around for his clothes. "Guess I'll…see ya at work, then," he said, with a nonchalant shrug.
Lilly sighed with relief. He was giving her space. He really was okay with this.
This just might work out, after all.
They hit the ground running at work, and the day flew by before Lilly even knew what hit her. A lead came in from a regular customer at Fairmount Perk, the coffee shop where Josh, Charlie, Rebecca, and the rest of the gang met regularly, that one of the former employees might have had a few screws loose. The squad spent most of the day out of the office hunting high and low for the former barista, who, when found, was fully in possession of all his faculties and had no idea who might have killed Janet. Much to everyone's dismay, the man barely even remembered her, although when Vera mentioned Janet's laugh, a light seemed to go on. That was the only flicker of recognition across the barista's face, though, and Lilly could see it wasn't an act.
She returned to the squad room so frustrated with the case that her personal issues didn't even occur to her, and she stayed so late poring over the original interviews, hoping for an unturned stone, that she didn't even notice when Scotty slipped out of the office without even wishing her good night. When she arrived home, Lilly was so drained from her day's work that she fell asleep almost before her head hit the pillow, without giving her own problems a second thought.
The next morning, Lilly was jolted out of her sleep once again by the buzz of her alarm, reached over to switch it off, then rolled over onto her side to grab a few minutes of snuggling with Scotty before they had to get up for the day. But in her dazed, half-awake state, she was surprised when, instead of Scotty's familiar, reassuring warmth, she met cold, empty space and nothing but a pillow. Her eyes snapped open. Scotty wasn't there. Where was he?
She glanced around on the floor for the clothes that usually lay scattered there when he stayed over, and saw none. As consciousness began to spread through the lingering fog of sleep, Lilly realized, with a start, that Scotty hadn't been there at all that night.
Of course he hadn't, she reminded herself, burying her face in her hands at the sudden realization. She'd told him to stay at his place for a couple days so she could process things. Take some space. Figure out how she could be who she needed to be so they could have the life they wanted.
She'd told him a couple days, she realized suddenly, as panic began to rise. A couple days, and she'd already lost one of them on a wild goose chase at work. She only had a day left. Maybe, if Scotty was in a particularly accommodating mood, she could squeeze out a third. But she realized, as she looked over at his empty half of the bed, that unless she got her act together, she'd be looking at an empty bed for quite a long time. Because if she couldn't figure things out…then what?
Shooing the unpleasant thoughts away like flies at a picnic, she climbed out of bed, gave both cats a farewell scratch on the head, and started to get ready for work.
"Mornin', sunshine," came the cheerful greeting when Lilly headed into the office, but, to her surprise, it came not from Scotty, but from Vera, who was sitting at his desk clicking away at the computer with one hand and holding a half-eaten chocolate frosted donut in the other.
"What's with you?" she asked suspiciously, coming up behind him to see what he was working so hard on. Oh, good Lord…Tetris?
"I'm kickin' ass at this today," he supplied, his eyes never leaving the screen. "Plus Valens and Miller already left for an interview. Way out in the suburbs, talkin' to Charlie's wife…can't remember her name. Anyway, it's gonna take 'em all morning, at least. Donuts are ripe for the pickin'," he concluded gleefully.
Lilly sighed. She supposed she should have been relieved that she wouldn't have to deal with Scotty, that she did, in fact, have an entire morning where she could process, where she could begin to figure things out without his presence to distract her. She should have been relieved.
She wasn't.
"Mornin', Lil," the velvety voice of Will Jeffries greeted her, before she had time to finish her thought. Her partner then turned his attention to Vera.
"You playin' Tetris again?" he asked incredulously.
"I'm on fire today," Vera gloated. "Besides, one of this chick's other ex-husbands is comin' in to talk to me in fifteen minutes, so…back off," he instructed. "I'm gettin' my game face on."
"With Tetris…" Jeffries muttered, shaking his head slightly, then turned back to Lilly. "Feel like takin' a trip to the Badlands?"
Lilly smiled, suddenly grateful for the intrusion. "Sure," she replied, taking a sip of coffee as she turned to face him. "What do we have?"
Her partner handed her a file. "Regina Phalange, another one of this motley crew. She's a massage therapist…works where Big Ed's Gym used to be."
Big Ed's Gym…why did that sound familiar?
Lilly perused the file briefly, then grabbed her coat. "Let's hit it," she said.
As Jeffries expertly navigated the streets of the Badlands, Lilly was surprised to see how much different the neighborhood looked from the last time she'd been there. The Badlands was the site of her last Homicide case before being pulled off the line to work cold jobs, and, a year later, they finally solved the triple murder of a couple of Jeffries' friends and their young employee. After being reassured that the man responsible was in custody, the victims' daughter, Nora, had reopened her parents' chicken-and-ribs joint.
"Looks like things are getting better around here," Lilly remarked, as Jeffries negotiated a turn.
"Sure are," he replied, his voice warm with both pride and nostalgia. "Della's really livened the place up again."
Lilly smiled as she took in the once ramshackle block, which was now repaired and home to what appeared to be a bustling business district. Where there had been boarded-up storefronts, there was now a plethora of restaurants and shops, as well as a colorfully repainted, and renamed, Big Ed's Gym.
"Brings back some memories," Jeffries added reflectively, and, with a start, Lilly remembered exactly why Big Ed's Gym was ringing bells in her head. In a conversation they'd had when working the chicken-and-ribs job, Jeffries had reminisced about growing up two blocks away and often heading to Big Ed's to watch guys spar.
"You ever get in the ring?" Lilly had asked him casually.
"No," he'd replied matter-of-factly. "I got hit enough in my own house."
She'd been dumbfounded by his answer, and it had taken her a few seconds to refocus her mind back on the case. But now, as she sat in the car and stole a sidelong glance in his direction…maybe he'd be able to reassure her…somehow…
"Mind if I…ask you a personal question?" Lilly began tentatively, and Jeffries looked over at her in surprise. Never, in all his years working with her, had he heard those words come out of Lilly Rush's mouth.
"Not at all," he replied with a kind smile, his eyes searching her face.
"Your…childhood…wasn't the best," she said quietly, not meeting his gaze.
"Nope," Jeffries agreed.
"Mine…" she began, then trailed off.
"Yours wasn't either," Jeffries confirmed softly, stealing a glance at his partner. Oh, he'd long suspected it, had heard rumors over the years that her mom was a drunk and her dad disappeared…and there was some drama with her sister, too…but he'd never talked to Lilly about any of it. He wasn't sure anyone had.
"No," Lilly replied wistfully, looking out the window just in time to see a young mother walk by with her two little girls. "It wasn't."
Jeffries' thoughts started to race. Why on earth would she be talking about this with him? It wasn't unwelcome, certainly; he'd long wished Lilly would open up to someone, and he'd hoped, in an almost fatherly way, that it might even be him. But what had brought this on?
"Abuse perpetuates itself," Lilly said softly, now staring down at her hands, which she was busily folding and unfolding in her lap. "We all know that. Children who were abused tend to grow up to be abusers."
"That's why Mary and I never had kids," Jeffries replied.
Lilly glanced up at him, hoping her face didn't betray her alarm. "Yeah?" she asked.
"Didn't wanna run the risk," Jeffries explained simply.
Lilly felt like she'd been punched in the stomach. If Will Jeffries, the most sane, rational, kind-hearted person she knew, was so afraid of perpetuating the cycle with his own children that he didn't have any…what hope was there for her? Her eyes widened with the enormity of this realization.
"This got somethin' to do with Valens?" she heard Jeffries ask, but through the maelstrom of her rapidly spinning thoughts, it sounded like he was miles away.
Lilly just shook her head, trying to right things enough to go in and do the interview.
"Just…wondered," she finished lamely, then grabbed the file, composed herself, and opened the car door. "Ready?"
Jeffries nodded.
Regina Phalange welcomed them warmly into her massage studio, which was heavy with the cloying scent of aromatherapy oils and decorated with candles, fountains, and peaceful-looking artwork. Lilly and Jeffries found themselves perched awkwardly on the massage table itself.
"Sorry about the lack of space," Regina explained as she lowered herself heavily into a chair opposite them. "Kinda hard to get around these days," she added, patting her pregnant belly.
"When are you due?" Lilly asked politely.
"Couple more weeks," Regina replied. "But this so much easier than when I had my brother's triplets."
Lilly and Jeffries exchanged a glance, and Regina giggled.
"Your…brother's triplets…" Jeffries repeated uncertainly.
"I didn't even know I had a brother," Regina explained. "It was just me and my twin sister and our mom, at least, until my mom killed herself. Our dad was in jail, so my sister and I had to live on the streets for a while. So…if I ever mugged either one of you, I'm sorry. Crazy times," she said, dismissing her childhood trauma with a slight smile and a wave of her hand.
Lilly's mind was whirling, trying to follow the back story, but Regina just kept going. "Anyway, it turns out that my mom who killed herself wasn't my birth mom; my birth mom is still alive and kicking and living in Atlantic City; it turned out that after the threesome with her and my dad and my dead mom that got my birth mom pregnant with my sister and me, my dad hooked up with somebody else and had my brother. So then my brother married his French teacher, but they couldn't have kids, so they asked me to be a surrogate, and I was all like, sure! And it turned out to be triplets! Isn't that just fantastic?" she enthused.
Lilly and Jeffries exchanged a quick, half-amused glance. "Sounds like a wild ride," Lilly finally commented.
"Oh, believe me…aromatherapy helped a lot," Regina replied emphatically. "And then I got married, and now we're having a little girl." She patted her belly fondly, then looked back up at the detectives. "Y'know, I'm really glad I get the chance to make the family I never had," she added softly, suddenly serious.
Lilly looked up in surprise. Make the family I never had. She wanted to press Regina, to find out how, after her shattered youth, she ever thought she could do this, could bring a child into the world with any sense of confidence at all, but Jeffries was already looking at her curiously, and she knew she couldn't, not and maintain any semblance of professionalism.
The interview itself proved no less interesting, but ultimately, not that helpful, although Regina did mention that Janet had invited herself to Charlie and Michelle's wedding, but they'd insisted that her presence would be perceived as a threat, since apparently Michelle claimed that Charlie still had feelings for Janet.
"Aren't Miller and Valens interviewing Michelle already today?" Jeffries asked, as they walked back to the car.
"Think so," Lilly replied with a shrug.
Jeffries stopped and studied his partner carefully. "You and Scotty doin' okay?" he asked, his voice low and rich with concern.
"We're fine," she answered brusquely, and her tone indicated to Jeffries that whatever had made her open up to him earlier that morning had disappeared, and she was back to being that same old closed-off Lilly. Something had rattled her, that was for sure, but he wasn't certain exactly what. He'd have to think on it…right after he figured out what kind of drugs Regina's parents must have been on when they had her. Because, he figured with a smile, as he pressed the button to unlock the car door…it was bound to be something interesting.
That night, Lilly sank down on her couch, her thoughts racing. The case was still no closer to being solved, as Michelle had insisted that Charlie didn't have any feelings for Janet whatsoever, even going so far as to claim to have been transferred to Azerbaijan to get away from her. Janet had been so clingy that Charlie had been forced to actually fly to Azerbaijan, just to prove that he was serious. Michelle had suggested her former roommate, Rebecca, Josh's ex-wife and mother of his child, as a possible suspect. It seemed that Rebecca hadn't taken too kindly to Josh sleeping with Janet. Kat and Scotty had then gone to visit with Rebecca, but her alibi checked out, so they were back to square one.
Lilly had learned all these details from Kat, and Kat alone. Scotty, it seemed, had dropped his partner off and then left work without even checking back into the office that evening. Traffic getting back into the city had been a nightmare, Kat explained, with some late-season road construction, and it had taken them until nearly dark just to negotiate their way downtown. Scotty had claimed to be coming down with something and had split for home, saying he didn't want to share his germs with everyone else. Kat had agreed with him, saying she was immune to pretty much anything, since Veronica had brought home practically every disease known to mankind since her preschool days, but the rest of 'em…sissies, Kat scoffed. Best not risk gettin' one of 'em sick and havin' to spend the next four days listenin' to 'em whine. Lilly had noticed Vera shoot Kat a brief glare during this explanation, and Kat had replied with a smirk as she finished her story.
So it had been almost two days since Lilly had even talked to her boyfriend, and she was astonished by how deeply she missed him. As she sat on the sofa, she picked up her phone and studied it as though it would answer all her questions. She was sorely tempted to call Scotty, just to hear his voice, but if she did that, he'd ask her to come over, no way in hell would she have the power to resist, and the next thing she knew, she'd probably be wrapped in his arms as he lowered her to his bed, being smothered in kisses, and then he'd--
Her reverie was interrupted by an indignant yowl from Tripod, who was staring up at Lilly as though to say, "You can have that, as soon as you figure things out. So focus, dammit."
Lilly smiled wryly, and Tripod, point made, turned around and walked out. With a sigh, Lilly delved back into far less pleasant thoughts…thoughts she didn't want to wrestle with. In the past, she wouldn't have. She simply would have swept them under the rug and pretended that they didn't matter, but now, with Scotty, they did. They mattered more than anything. So, fighting every instinct she had to just run upstairs and hide under her covers and hope this would all go away, she willed herself to replay those two important conversations she'd had that morning.
Regina Phalange had seemed quite flaky, flighty, a bit ditzy, but genuinely kind and well-meaning. She'd had a fractured childhood, and yet she'd married a wonderful man whom she obviously adored, and this, apparently, had given her the courage to bring a baby into the world. Though this should have encouraged Lilly, and in a way it did, she realized that Regina didn't seem like the sort of person to consider the consequences. Did her husband have a good childhood? Did she truly want kids, or had he talked her into it? Was Regina confident that things would be different, or was this a naïve, misguided attempt to atone for her rotten upbringing? Lilly understood the desire…but was it worth the risk?
Jeffries had apparently decided that it wasn't. He and Mary had never had children. Lilly had no idea what Mary's youth had been like, and she wasn't sure how to ask her partner that. In the end, she supposed it didn't matter. Kind, levelheaded Will Jeffries, the last person in the world she'd think would ever be abusive, had been so afraid he'd hurt his own children that he never had any. Lilly's heart was pricked with sadness at all he'd missed out on, just because of fear. She'd never have guessed it. Will Jeffries…was afraid.
She wondered if he ever regretted his decision. Especially now, now that he'd lost Mary…did he ever wish he'd had a child with her, someone who might have had her eyes, had her voice, had her smile…someone who remembered her, who loved her as much as he had? Did he ever feel like he'd missed out on something? Had Mary wanted children? Had she sacrificed her own dreams, simply because of her husband's fear? If she had…had it been worth it? Had Will's love been enough to make up for the children they never had?
Lilly knew she wouldn't be enough for Scotty. Oh, sure, he insisted she would be, but she knew better. She hadn't been enough for her own mother, for God's sake. The woman who had brought her into this world had never thought she was good enough…so how the hell would Scotty reach a different conclusion? She, on her own, would never be enough for him. And the kid thing… that wasn't just for him. Apparently, though this had come as a surprise to her…she wanted them, too. She remembered the joy on Scotty's face when he'd looked down at his newborn niece, whispering to her in Spanish and softly kissing her forehead. How much more joy would it bring him to look down at his own child…a child they'd made together, a product of the deep, almost ridiculous love they had for one another?
And…how much joy would it bring her to see that? To watch that child grow up, to see little reflections of Scotty and little reflections of her? Maybe it'd have her blue eyes and his grin…or his dark, brooding gaze, but her wide smile. She pictured the two of them teaching that child to walk…Scotty holding his arms out proudly while the little one took five or six shaky steps, and then he'd lift their baby to the sky while they both cheered as though he or she had just become President.
Tears pricked her eyes as she realized, to her horror, how much she actually did want that. Not right away, but eventually. And not just for Scotty. For her, too.
The only thing standing in the way was her rotten childhood.
She thought, once again, of Jeffries. Wondered, once more, whether or not he regretted his decision. Regardless of how Jeffries felt about it, though, Lilly knew that if she let her fear dictate her life, if she refused to bring kids into the world simply because of that…she'd regret it. And Scotty would regret it. And she knew, that, even if he didn't leave her, he'd wind up resenting her.
Lilly sighed, feeling as though she'd made some progress. She'd reaffirmed her desire for the same things Scotty wanted. But then, almost as quickly, she realized that she'd made virtually no progress. All she'd accomplished was getting to the same point she'd been at the other night. Oh, sure, that night had been something of an accident…blurting out "our kids" when she didn't even know she wanted them. Now, she knew she wanted a family with Scotty…but she was still no closer to figuring out how.
Dammit.
She needed more time.
The next morning, Scotty awoke to an empty bed…again…and a throbbing headache…again. It was the second morning he'd woken up in pain after coming home the night before and downing a few shots of scotch in an effort to make himself be okay with what Lilly was doing. It's for the best, he'd tried to remind himself. She's doin' this for us, he told himself over and over. She loves you. She's tryin' her best to make this work. If she needs space, then your ass better give her all the space she wants.
But his heart wasn't listening. He knew she loved him, intellectually he knew that…but it was damn hard to believe that when she hadn't called, hadn't come over…and had no way of knowing whether this would even accomplish anything. For all he knew, she could take space until they were too old to even have kids, and she'd still be afraid to take the leap.
And that, he realized as he reluctantly rose from bed and flung up the covers, was the most frustrating thing of all. He should have been grateful, he knew that. He should have been falling on his knees every day and thanking God that she was still with him, at least on principle, that she was telling him, on a regular basis, that she loved him, that she was even trying to figure out how to make things work long-term.
But he couldn't see that. Right now, as he made his way to the kitchen and fumbled through his coffee preparations, all he could see was that she was claiming she loved him, but she was still gone. She wasn't calling. She wasn't coming over. She was just…gone. It was one thing for her to say she loved him when she was there, making him coffee, whispering things in his ear at work, coming up behind him and rubbing his shoulders when no one was looking, doing those things she did in bed that drove him absolutely insane and made him feel like he'd die from the pleasure…
…but when she was saying she loved him…and not being there, not doing those thoughtful things she did… her words sounded hollow and empty. Elisa had done the same thing, he realized, though for entirely different reasons. She'd say she loved him, but then she'd forget to take her meds, and the next thing he knew, she'd be shrieking at invisible giants and throwing the dishes across the room in an effort to fight them off. If she was serious about making things work with him, he'd told her countless times, she needed to take her meds. Sometimes the meds didn't work, and that was understandable…but for her to not even take them…that was something else altogether.
As he leaned against the counter and watched the coffee drip through to the carafe below, listening to the strange hisses and gurgles the coffee maker always belched out in the morning, Scotty realized, with a rueful smile, that words only went so far with him. He'd never really been much of a words person. Oh, sure, he knew how to use them to talk a suspect into giving up his long-held secrets, he could always find the words to tell Lilly exactly how he felt about her…but his real strength, he realized, was in doing, not in saying. You can say all you want, his dad had often told him, but you better back it up. And he realized this lesson had been driven home perfectly when he found himself having trouble believing in Lilly's love, even though it had grown and blossomed brilliantly over nearly a year, when her actions weren't backing it up.
Sipping his coffee and heading for the shower, he brightened somewhat. It was Thursday. Tuesday morning, she'd said she needed a couple days. It had been a couple days. Maybe today would be different. Maybe today she'd come around.
Maybe he was worrying about absolutely nothing.
Late that morning, Lilly fumbled with her gloves as she rounded the corner in the hall outside the squad room on her way back from an interview with Vera. For how warm it had been the previous week, it was now almost wintry outside. Fall in Philly, she mused as she finished removing her left glove.
So wrapped up was she in her task that she almost ran smack into Scotty, who was approaching from the opposite direction. They both froze, and Lilly knew that the surprise she saw on his face mirrored her own expression.
"Hey," she greeted him softly.
"Hey," he replied, meeting her eyes. She studied him. He looked tired. Careworn. Dammit.
"So…" she began uncertainly.
"So…" he repeated, with a wavery smile. "How's that…space thing…workin' out for ya?"
He was trying to be casual, she knew he was, but she knew him better than that. She could tell by the shadows in his eyes that the lightness in his tone, that affected nonchalance, was just a cover. Her thoughts whirled frantically. Was he really not okay with this? He'd insisted he would be…
"Scotty, I…" she began, even more unsure than before how to tell him that she'd made virtually no progress, and had absolutely no idea how to even begin to make progress, let alone get to the place she needed to be.
Scotty felt his heart sink to the floor. She wasn't ready. Normal wasn't possible yet. He pressed his lips together tightly to absorb the disappointment.
"I need more time," she continued. "I'm just…I'm not there yet."
Scotty gritted his teeth to keep the frustration from spilling out. He wanted to lash out, wanted to read her the riot act again, but he held himself in check. Fighting with her at work…that was the last thing either one of them needed. Besides, she was trying, dammit. She was doing this for them.
"Yeah….okay," he replied, a little more sharply than he intended.
"Scotty…" Lilly protested, her voice pleading.
He refused to meet her eyes. "It's fine. Whatever," he insisted.
"Scotty," she repeated, seeking his gaze. "I love you."
Never had those words echoed more hollow and empty in his mind. He finally raised his eyes to hers, and their wideness and innocence almost convinced him.
Almost. But not quite.
"Yeah, well…I got an interview," he replied, and brushed past her on his way in, leaving Lilly standing in the hallway, staring after him in disbelief, which rapidly turned to anger as he disappeared into the squad room.
A/N: The line to smack one or more characters forms right behind me.