Following the roads
Of dream to you, my feet
Never rest. But one glimpse of you
In reality would be
Worth all these many nights of love.
Ono No Komachi
Wyatt hadn't meant to eavesdrop. Well, ok, he hadn't tried too hard not to. But after figuring out what exactly he was listening to and watching he regretted it. He could see the halting way that Flynn was trying to complement Lucy and her nervous reaction. The way she looked vaguely curious and hopeful. Of course, she was skittish. Lucy wasn't much for relationships. Even less now, probably.
He remembered the fractured conversation of that morning and wondered how, yet again, he had managed to make things even worse. The worst thing was that the charge hadn't been entirely untrue. He had felt relieved she had never forced him to make a decision. Well, he had made a decision, the only one to make at the time. The question had never been about whether to try again with Jessica. It had always been about emotions, not actions. Lucy had never forced him to make an emotional decision. And when she said it was easier she had been right. It had been easier to pretend that the situation with Lucy had never occurred. That she was just a teammate. Then the emotion would hit, sliding under his carefully built façade, and he'd been floundering in a sea of doubt and desperately wanting her back. Then he'd get angry with her, at himself, and at everyone because if he had his "miracle" why did it feel so painful? Her charge had also been untrue because one part of him had longed for her to tell him she chooses him, to beg him to stay with her. It had been that way even that night he'd stolen the Lifeboat to bring back Jessica. One part of him had wanted her to stop him, to make him do the undeniably selfish thing of forgetting about duty, and guilt and all that and drown in the completeness of her presence with him.
He picked up the tablet from the table and turned away. He had to get his brain on the mission. The mission was to take down Rittenhouse and bring Rufus home. But the pain in his chest hadn't dissipated. Vaguely he was aware that probably wasn't normal and he could have some kind of heart problem but that didn't seem to matter much anyway.
"Wyatt, we aren't teenagers on a stupid soap opera." Flynn's voice cut through the turbulent thoughts swirling around ceaselessly. Wyatt turned back.
"No…and…" What the hell are you talking about?
"I think you're a self-righteous asshole. You think I'm a murderous bastard. The point is, that doesn't really matter. We both are determined to bring down Rittenhouse. Or at least we were. Things have changed now."
"They haven't changed now," Wyatt replied.
"Oh…so Jessica being Emma's second in command hasn't changed anything." Flynn's voice was deceptively calm.
There was nothing to be said about that. Because yes, of course, it changed things. It changed the fact that his child was in her hands. It changed the fact that she had once been his wife, the woman he had loved.
"The missions will go on," Wyatt answered.
"No, it won't. You'll run off after that woman trying to reform her and she'll take advantage of that to kill us all."
"No," Wyatt began, "I won't. I'm not losing anyone else to Rittenhouse."
"Well, at least we are on the same page on that," Flynn said drily.
"So the point?" Wyatt began.
"We also seem to be on the same page on Lucy. We both respect her."
It was a hard pill to swallow. Ever since he had first seen Garcia Flynn he had despised him. It had only gotten worse as the attacks on the team, especially Lucy, had continued. He'd never forget the bruises on her neck or the way she had sounded as Flynn dragged her away. But then Wyatt brought Rittenhouse into their very home and Lucy nearly died because of it. So who was he to judge? "Yes," he said.
"I'm also not the type of person to fight a losing battle," Flynn spoke quietly.
What the hell does that mean? "There is no battle." Wyatt swallowed nausea back and turned away. That mentality had gotten his Jessica killed and destroyed his relationship with Lucy. This was all Lucy's decision. And so far she had made her choice abundantly clear.
"No, there isn't one. But there will be one if you mess this thing up as thoroughly as you did before. No more running after your wife." Flynn's voice called him back.
"Ex-wife." Wyatt corrected. His memory of signing those papers in the wee hours of the morning struck him and remembering how the light had struck his wedding ring and how it had been sold in order to atone for Jessica, and his, sins.
"Whatever. The point is you mess this one up and there will be no one but yourself to blame."
"I know." And it's too late. There is no cure.
Wyatt went back to his empty room because he didn't want to sit with Olivia and Mark and play video games. He was still trying to figure out the enigmatic conversation with Garcia Flynn. The implication had been that Flynn wouldn't try to fight for Lucy because she had already fallen for someone else, namely himself. And that he had to make his choice very clear before Lucy would trust him. But Flynn couldn't possibly understand the bitterness and pain between them. How absolutely he had destroyed everything. Rufus, most of all. Rufus, who had been his brother and who he had failed to protect. Rufus wouldn't have forgiven him anyway even if he were alive.
The sound of the alarm broke into his spiraling guilt. It was becoming harder and harder to shut off those thoughts. To compartmentalize his emotions. Sometimes they seemed to bubble up and overcome him. Not just anger, he was no stranger to that. But love, pain, depression, and anxiety were becoming daily companions. It was harder to fight them.
"Where did she jump to?" Lucy asked as she came running into the launch room.
"September 3, 1922. Long Island." Jiya announced.
"Oh my god. Bessie Coleman." Lucy's face broke into a broad smile.
"Who is she?" Wyatt asked. It was good to see her smile again. Her excitement over history was intoxicating.
"She was the first person of African American and Native American descent to become a pilot and was a really famous stunt pilot. She was called 'the world's greatest female pilot.' On this day she made debut in the airshow business. She died a few years later when a wrench got stuck in her controls and as she had taken off her seatbelt she flew out of the plane and fell to her death." Lucy finished in a breathless hush. "I wrote a paper on her once in undergraduate."
"Well, let's go save the world. And see kickass ladies." Jiya stood up and began making adjustments to the Lifeboat. He could see the pain in her eyes as she worked. No wonder. He felt it himself. He could only imagine how excited Rufus would be over Bessie Coleman. He could fairly hear him fanboying over how incredible she was while trying to save her life.
This mission was difficult from the moment they stepped off the Lifeboat. Emma had gone easy on them on the last few missions but this time she was pulling no punches. As he crouched behind some bushes beside Flynn firing into the enemy lines he realized how different Emma being in charge really was. This was war. It made dealing with Keynes and Carol a picnic in comparison. Emma's goons were well trained and knew how to use their weapons. Lucy and Jiya had concealed themselves in the Lifeboat. A guy popped out of the concealment and stood up to fire. He was firing towards the open Lifeboat door. At Lucy. Wyatt and Flynn fired simultaneously at his head. They heard a scream. Panic gnawed at his insides. Was Lucy shot? Gone? Forever silenced. The mere thought of it made his handshake. Then he heard her voice. She was alive at least.
The remaining soldiers slipped into the bushes and disappeared. Wyatt and Flynn ran towards the Lifeboat. Jiya was standing there with her own gun and a firm expression on her face. Lucy stood beside her looking pale but resolute. She too was armed. "Jiya saved me."
"I've been through a few gunfights. Recognized the sound of the bullet. Pulled her aside." Jiya explained. Wyatt could never thank Jiya enough. Her quick reflexes and already attuned survival skills had saved Lucy. He blinked back a few tears at the idea that Lucy had nearly died again.
"Thank you, Jiya. You're going to take over their jobs." Lucy gave a wan little smile and hugged her.
"Anytime Lucy. Now let's go save Bessie."
Finding Bessie was easy enough. Getting her to understand the danger she was in and protect her was far more difficult. Jiya and Flynn went off to find Bessie while he and Lucy followed one of the people they suspected to be a sleeper. Lucy had seemingly put aside her anger at him and was coolly and resolutely holding her own. Her courage, a strong internal sort of courage, was never more apparent.
Then he saw her. Across the street. Jessica. Her golden hair shone in the sunlight, as she talked to the sleeper agent in the grey suit. Only he knew how deadly she was under the sweet smile. The blood red of her treachery under the disguise of love. Lucy was looking the opposite direction. "Lucy please go find a telephone and tell them that they are planting a bomb aboard the plane. I'll deal with the sleeper."
"I'm not leaving you alone," Lucy said firmly. It almost touched his heart until she said, "With her. It's not personal. You're compromised."
The force of it almost knocked him off his sanity. It was a well-deserved blow but that didn't stop the ache. Once he had been the one she trusted. And now she trusted every single member of the team one hundred times more.
"Please, Lucy. I don't want to see you hurt. This could get ugly." You aren't a soldier. Jessica is sure to be out for you. I love you too much to lose you again.
"Well, I'll deal with it." They crossed the road and concealed themselves behind a large pillar. Jessica was still standing there. She kept looking at her watch. Finally, she advanced a few feet and handed a small boy a piece of paper. A few minutes later the boy appeared and handed Wyatt the paper. He read the hastily scrawled words, "I need to talk to you. Jessica."
He threw the note to the ground in a flash of anger. How pathetic she must think him? To write that expecting that after the betrayal she would get him right where she wanted him. Then again, she always had gotten him that way. The way he had blindly and recklessly defended her knowing she was Rittenhouse would always stick in his throat. A failure that had cost them, Rufus. Then he saw the opposite side of the paper, "It's about Lucy."
His weakness. Always his weakness. Jessica already knew that. Had always known it. Perhaps had known it before she stepped foot in the bunker. He had to know what she was saying. It didn't matter if she killed him then and there. He had to know. Somehow he had to get rid of Lucy, get her to safety, long enough to speak to Jessica and find out what they were planning.
"What's that?" Lucy asked.
There was no way to answer that question without revealing both the sender and the meaning of the message. If he wanted to be honest with her, that had to start now. Picking it up he handed it to her. Lucy's face underwent rapid changes. First, there was anger and then pain and finally indifference. She passed it back to him and said coldly, "Well, if you want to talk to her I'll cover for you."
"She's threatening you. I have to know…" he began.
She cut him off, "They've been threatening me for months. And with my mom gone I've known that I'm a target."
He put out his hand and touched hers, "Lucy, I'm…we're not going to let them hurt you."
Lucy stiffened, "Just go. There's not much you can do to protect me anyway."
He wasn't sure what that meant. As he slipped out of his hiding spot he spotted Jessica standing by a tree outfitted in a bright blue dress and hat. She turned towards him and had the audacity to smile as if this was some sort of homecoming. He glanced at her stomach. Her rather tight fitting dress left little room for the imagination. Her stomach was as flat as ever. So she had lied. What a fool he had been to believe her.
"I knew you'd come." She said, smiling triumphantly.
"I didn't come for you." He said.
"Oh no. You came for Lucy. Fortunately, I think she's seen how stupid she was to ever fall for you. She's already found your replacement, hasn't she? Perhaps he'll treat her better." Jessica's voice was pleasant but she added, "We're one in the same, Wyatt. Just two kids against the world."
It used to be the thing they used to say together. It once meant something. Now it was a mocking reminder of the type of person she had become. "No, we aren't," Wyatt replied. "I'm nothing like who you are now."
"All of this is your fault. If you had just gone with me out of the bunker it would have been fine. If you had just left the team. If you had just left her. You forced my hand. I had no choice." Jessica's face looked almost sad as she spoke. Guilt surged up in him. She was right, in a way. The team would have been much better off if he and Jessica had just left.
"Anyway, if you and she know what's good for you, you'll stop this. Emma has plans to kill Lucy and she's fully intending to carry them out." Jessica stepped forward. "You could join us, you know. We could be happy together. If you do I promise to get Emma to stop trying to get Lucy."
"You're delusional." He said.
"I'm delusional? You're the guy who mourns me for six years only to dump me the minute I come back alive. You're always chasing after what you can't have." Jessica laughed.
"Oh so lying about being pregnant and kidnapping someone aren't grounds for dumping? I was prepared to stand by you until the end. Because I needed to make amends. To fix things."
"I didn't lie about being pregnant. And you might not have dumped me but you sure as hell didn't want me. I was inconvenient. I saw how you reacted with me."
"Well, you aren't pregnant now. How do you explain that?"
"I lost the baby. Too much stress. Going through all of this." Jessica looked pained for a second. "I guess it's just as well. A baby is pretty inconvenient in my line of work."
Nausea struck sending him reeling back. She had a miscarriage. He wasn't sure if she was lying or telling the truth. Had she ever been pregnant? He would never know. The pain was a permanent thing now. The loss of a child he had wanted. The baby might have been inconvenient for Jessica but not to him. It was another loss, one deeply, completely personal. They ought to be commiserating the loss. There was no hope for a relationship between them but at least there could be some sort of sacred sympathy.
"Jessica, please, why do you have to be like this?" Was there any hope at all for her? Any redeeming qualities whatsoever.
"Because it's right. Because for the first time in my life I'm doing stuff. Important stuff. I'm not letting you stop me." Jessica started to move away. "You've got my warning. Lucy is under attack."
He lifted his hand, the gun still grasped in it, but Jessica only shook her head and laughed, "You won't shoot me. You're too god damn guilty."
She knew him all too well. He hesitated a second too long and she picked up her dress and ran away. Then he turned towards Lucy. She was standing there but not alone. Flynn and Jiya were also there. They had seen the whole exchange.
"So you didn't manage to make her convert, repent and come back to the true faith?" Flynn said flippantly. Wyatt winced. The words grated on him like nails on a chalkboard. He was frowning ferociously and Lucy had her hand linked through his arm.
"She's threatening Lucy. Well, Emma is especially." Wyatt spoke without acknowledging Flynn.
"Is that new? I mean we've known that for awhile." Jiya said. Her eyes had softened and she moved over to stand a little closer. He was grateful for the kindness.
"I think they have something specific. And deadly." Wyatt spoke quietly.
"Well, let them try. I'm expendable." Lucy replied stiffly. She looked exhausted.
"You're not expendable." Wyatt half growled at her. Lucy appeared startled at his vehemence.
Jiya shook her head chastising at Lucy and went on, "We got the sleeper. Bessie is going up in just a few minutes. It was so amazing to talk to her. She's just so cool. Ru…" Jiya's voice trailed off as she finished, "Rufus would have been so excited to meet her. She's an inspiration to everyone."
"Jiya made sure to warn her about the plane," Flynn said. "Told her she got a vision from God. We'll have to see if the warning works."
Back to the old question of fate versus choice. Fate hadn't worked in Rufus's favor or JFK or many others. Wyatt hated fate. Choices were so much easier to predict. He hated choices too. His had been colossally horrible. He wanted the faith his mother had, just for one instant. The faith that God was in control, that He loved people and ordered their lives. But now it felt like some sort of dream. A world that didn't include time travel and people coming back from the dead.
They made their way back to the Lifeboat. Lucy looked pale and shaken but when he tried to help her fasten her seatbelt she pointedly ignored him and fumbled with her seatbelt before managing to fasten it with difficulty. His stomach twisted painfully as he remembered the conversation of earlier. Well, he had failed that one. But what else could he have done? Jessica was threatening Lucy and holding her pregnancy over their heads. What person wouldn't make a last ditch effort to get her to change? Jiya gave him a sympathetic smile. It was strange that she would be the kindest when she had been the one to be kidnapped by Jessica.
Lucy climbed out of the Lifeboat the moment the hatch opened and Flynn followed. Jiya finished turning off the controls before saying, "She isn't going to change, you know."
"I know. She says she lost the baby. If there ever was one." The words hung bitterly in the air. Jiya nodded sympathetically. Her face was soft as she gave him a soft hug.
"You know I was incredibly mad. But then I thought about Rufus. I imagined him coming back, Rittenhouse. I mean, technically, he once was part of them. And I do understand. It doesn't mean I excuse but I do understand." Jiya hesitated. "I blame myself for not being more careful. For getting in that position at all."
"It's not your fault. Not one bit." Wyatt couldn't believe Jiya blamed herself. She was the most innocent.
"You know I killed a guy to get away. I felt so guilty afterward. But at the time all I could think of was escaping. I'm a killer now." Jiya sighed.
"You did what you had to do." It was yet another thing on the long list of things to add to his conscious. Although he couldn't bring himself to too much sympathy for a Rittenhouse goon the man's death had hurt Jiya.
"Yeah," Jiya replied. He stepped off the Lifeboat unwilling to think too closely about Lucy's sudden departure. He didn't want to know what she was doing. If he examined anything too closely he felt as if everything would shatter into a million pieces. And at this point, the grief over the conversation with Jessica was the most pressing thing. The most painful thing. Almost more than he could handle.
Wyatt ran down the debrief with Denise and then found Mason's shelf of alcohol. He found a bottle of whiskey and opened it. Vaguely he was aware this wasn't the answer. It hadn't been the answer after Syria when he had hurt Jessica because he got drunk all the time. It hadn't been the answer after her death either. But now, it felt like the only thing keeping him from collapsing.
Author's Note: This is one plot heavy chapter. I feel like the last few have a bit more introspective. I got the part about Wyatt being upset with Lucy over her not "picking" him from one of the writers who offered that explanation.
The conversation between Wyatt and Flynn was long overdue and frankly, they both need to grow up and stop acting like children. I do think Flynn has feelings for Lucy but as he says he's not willing to fight a losing battle. He knows she doesn't have feelings for him. Wyatt, of course, doesn't really see the significance of the conversation because he's so blinded by guilt and shame.
Bessie Coleman would have been an excellent choice for a Timeless episode and hopefully, if we get a season 3 she will be featured. I had fun researching her. I couldn't include her conversations (I struggle with historical characters and giving them realistic dialog) but I wanted to feature her at least.
Jessica, ugh. I had to include her. And yes, Jessica isn't pregnant. In my story, I haven't confirmed whether she really was pregnant or if she lost the baby. Her actions would certainly make the risk of miscarriage very high. Jessica has his number and uses the baby and Lucy to get him where she wanted. She's manipulating him to try to join Rittenhouse. It's important that Lucy doesn't know exactly why Wyatt is talking to Jessica even though he tells her it's because of her. I'm so proud of my silly son for actually telling her to truth and giving her the note. Lucy jumps to conclusions and doesn't stick around long enough to find out the truth. She thinks Wyatt was chasing after Jessica yet again and frankly she's wise to be distrustful. Jiya is there for Wyatt though. Sometimes someone not as emotionally involved can be more supportive.
Never fear friends, the light is at the end of the tunnel. There is more angst to come but Lyatt is healing. Soon we'll be seeing some fluff. (Yes, I can write fluff. Once in a great while.)