Sunday morning, I was sitting at the Gryffindor table eating breakfast when an owl came and dropped a bright red envelope by my plate.
"Chichiri's got a howler!" cried Neville, who was sitting next to me. "Who sent it to you?"
I looked at the envelope. "Celestial Princess no da."
Neville shuddered. "I hate to say this, but you're screwed."
As soon as I opened the envelope, I found out why.
"FUCKIN' BASTARD!" the envelope screamed in Celestial Princess' voice. "WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!" I was almost knocked off my seat in a mixture of shock and the sheer volume emanating from one tiny envelope.
Everyone stared at me, wondering what was happening. It was uncomfortable to hear the Great Hall go dead quiet as nobody uttered a sound, not even the loud, drunken, idiotic, pyromaniac that we've all come to call Tasuki.
"I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU!" the howler continued. "WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON IN THAT BLUE-HAIRED HEAD OF YOURS? I THOUGHT YOU ACTUALLY LOVED ME! I THOUGHT I ACTUALLY MATTERED TO YOU! NOW I FEEL LIKE I'M JUST A REPLACEMENT FOR KOURAN WHENEVER YOU NEED SOME COMPANIONSHIP! I'M NOT YOUR FREAKIN' TOY!" Now everybody really started to stare.
I looked around the Great Hall until my eyes rested on Celestial Princess. She was chuckling to herself as she wrote something on a small pad of paper. She looked up and saw me looking at her. She gave me a grin that seemed to say "There's a lot more coming".
"BUT THE THING THAT REALLY PISSES ME OFF IS THE FACT THAT YOU WERE THE ONE HITTING ON ME FIRST. I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER WHILE YOU WERE SOBBING ABOUT KOURAN. IT WAS YOUR IDEA TO KISS ME! AND WHAT ABOUT THAT TIME ON THE COUCH AFTER THE EXPLODING APPLE INCIDENT? YOU WERE THE ONE WHO COULDN'T KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME. I WAS JUST SITTING ON THE COUCH, STARING INTO THE FIRE WHEN I SUDDENLY FELT A PAIR OF ARMS AROUND ME. REALLY! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? I THOUGHT MONKS WERE SUPPOSED TO LIVE A LIFE OF CHASTITY, NOT FLIRT WITH GIRLS!" I looked around at the occupants of the table, praying they would say nothing. Fortunately, they didn't.
I jumped as the envelope burst into flames before my eyes. I quickly dropped it and tried not to make the table catch on fire.
"Put it out! Put it out!" cried Ron, throwing his orange juice on the fire.
"Don't let it come near my hair!" Hotohori yelled, tying his hair back.
There was more commotion, but I didn't hear it. Everything seemed so far away and not quite graspable. It was like this was all a really weird, surreal dream I had to wake up from. Unfortunately, this was real life, and real life is something one cannot wake up from.
The rest of my week didn't have too much joy. Every day at or around a mealtime, Celestial Princess would do something to annoy me greatly.
Monday, she started flirting with Hotohori. I can't say it didn't make me jealous; I mean, she was all over him and he didn't seem to mind. He actually seemed to enjoy it greatly when she ran her fingers through his precious locks.
Tuesday, I was sitting on the shore of the lake after lunch, when Celestial Princess came up behind me and pushed me into the frigid waters of the lake. It was not a fun experience. I almost drowned because the giant squid then noticed the struggling monk and decided to make it even more difficult for the monk to swim to the shore my wrapping its tentacles around me.
Wednesday during lunch, I got an exploding apple pie. It actually looked quite harmless at first, until I took a bite. There was a terrible explosion in my mouth, and it was then I figured that some of the apples from the whomping willow were put in the pie. Smoke came out of my mouth and curled gracefully into letters, which then formed a message: "You deserve it. -Celestial Princess and MRT".
Thursday, Celestial Princess had enough nerve to plant laxatives in all my food. All my food, in all my meals. I must have spent all day in the bathroom. It was a terrible experience.
Friday, Celestial Princess came down to breakfast wearing two earrings that looked like skeletons. I found it kind of weird because I never thought of her as a goth-type person, but, hey; you never know. Though little did I know exactly why she was wearing those earrings. I found out pretty soon, though.
When it came time for class, the group decided to split up. Hotohori, Tamahome, Miaka, Nuriko, and I went with Hermione to Arithmancy class. The rest went with Harry and Ron to Divination.
I was sitting at an extra desk in Arithmancy, trying to figure out what exactly we were supposed to do, when my back suddenly felt like a heavy object had been slammed against it. I looked over my shoulder to see what had hit me, but saw nothing, not even a guilty face. I turned back around and thought no more of what had happened until I got hit in the back again by the mysterious object. I tried putting a barrier around myself, but nothing seemed to work; I kept getting hit.
It was really painful. After getting hit for the third time, I could no longer suppress the screams that had been building up inside me. I had to let go.
The whole class turned their heads in my direction when they heard the scream. I tried to hold it in, but I couldn't. The thing slammed into my back again and again, with no signs of slowing down. Each time my back got hit, I let out a cry of pain.
Everyone stood there with a look of shock on their faces, not sure whether or not to run forward and help me. In the meantime, I was on the floor twitching like I was having a spasm and screaming.
"Chichiri!" cried Miaka, finally running to me. "What's happening to you?"
"You can't see it no da?" I managed to reply before my back got hit again.
Miaka shook her head. "No."
I closed my good eye under the mask and tried to stop screaming as I got hit again and again.
"Hmm..." Hermione's voice said, coming out of nowhere. "If he's being hit with an invisible object, I can be able to sense it." She muttered a nonsense word or two and waved her wand. Then she shook her head. I still managed to get hit.
"So he's not being hit with an invisible object, huh?" Tamahome pondered. "What is it, then?"
"Celestial Princess!" Nuriko cried. We all turned to look at him. "I'm serious," he said when he saw the looks on our faces. "It's gotta be her. You saw those weird earrings she was wearing at breakfast this morning; you know, the ones that look like skeletons? She's gotta be using them as voodoo dolls or something to inflict this pain on Chichiri."
Everyone started mumbling in agreement. I, however, was still on the floor screaming in pain because I was still getting hit.
"And consider this!" Nuriko cried before he was cut off. "She was flirting with Hotohori all week, but she decided to go to Divination today, which we all know she doesn't like." He laughed to himself as we all considered the matter. "Why could I never see it before?"
"Great no da," I said sarcastically. "Now that you've found out what's causing me so much pain, how about going over to the Divination classroom and stopping her no da?"
Nuriko cracked his knuckles. "I'll go." He then left the classroom.
After about ten minutes or so, I noticed the pain had stopped. I was no longer being hit. I gratefully stood up, but found it hard to do so, because my back was screaming with pain. I had to go to my next class leaning on Tasuki for support.
Later that evening, I took a shower. The hot water hitting my back was probably one of the most unpleasant experiences I ever had.
When I stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my waist, I could hear a gasp. I turned around and saw Hotohori standing frozen with a hand over his mouth, eyes the size of serving platters.
"What's the matter no da?" I asked him.
"Look at your back."
I followed Hotohori's advice and craned my neck over my shoulder as best I could without sending shooting pains up my spine, yet still enabling me to see. When I saw what my back looked like, I let out a gasp as well. My back was covered with big blue, yellow, and purple bruises.
"That - that - " I stuttered, trying to think of a good word to describe Celestial Princess. "How could she do that to me no da?"
"Because she loves you."
It was probably one of the most absurd comments anyone had ever said to me. I started laughing. I laughed harder than I had all week. I laughed until the corners of my good eye was wet and my back began to ache like it was going to give out at any minute. Hotohori didn't seem to think what he said was so funny, though.
"I'm dead serious; she does."
"Then why is she doing this to me no da?"
"She's angry that you dumped her. She still loves you, though. I know it."
I had to calm another fit of laughter and attempt to put on a straight face before I asked how he knew she still loved me.
"It's the way she looks at you," he responded. "There's always a certain look in her eyes when she does stuff to you, like she's sorry about it. Yes, she does look angry, but if you look deep into her eyes, you can see the sorrow."
"But how can you be totally sure no da?"
Hotohori gave me a big smile; the kind that says you're plotting something. "Tomorrow night after dinner. I have something to show you."
A/N: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!! Sorry to have taken so long on this chapter, but I was out of town for a whole week with no computer. When I came back I was victim to numerous fits of writer's block and laziness.
I felt a little rusty while writing this chapter. I hope I'm not losing my touch as a fanfic author. That would be terrible!
Thanks to everyone who reviewed these past 10 chapters. You guys are the best!
P.S. PLEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEE read Replacement, people! I got only one review for chapter 3, and I'm kinda losing ideas for it, so motivation would be greatly appreciated! (Don't say you liked it if you really didn't, though. I will take constructive criticism if need be!)
Oh! Ditto for Suzaku Seishi Plus Three. It's a fic I'm co-authoring with mrsradcliffe/tamahome and The One above All. As reviews go, we're kinda pathetic and we'd love to hear your comments! (The story is under The One above All's account.) Just no flmaes, or TOaA's gonna get really mad, and he's not fun to be around when he's like that. I know from personal experience!