The next day the initiates practiced going through a fear landscape with an instructor named Lauren. It was the last time we had any preparation for our final test. It didn't seem too difficult but then again, it wasn't my fears I was experiencing but hers. We then had four days off to mentally prepare ourselves.

In those four days I did everything I could to avoid Four and Eric. I was embarrassed that I had feelings for Four, he hasn't made any advances on me like Eric, probably because he saw me as a sister. I was humiliated just thinking about my feelings for him. On the other side of things was Eric, a Dauntless leader who was very dangerous for me because he was probably the head of the divergent search. Every time I saw him, all I could do was hear my moan in my head from the other night.

So while avoiding the two people that caused me to feel so embarrassed, I spent some much needed time with Christina. Through all the terrors of simulations and the drama of visiting day, I felt like I hadn't been able to really talk to her in ages.

On the first day of mental preparation but freedom from real training, Christina and I woke up early for a run. We figured with our physical training having had been done for a while now, it was our responsibility to maintain our own physical strength and agility. We started our run slow and quiet- warming up our unused muscle and warming up the space that had been created between us. We weren't allowed to leave the compound without a Dauntless member but there was a track on a rooftop that let us run outside. After two laps I broke the silence.

"I miss you," I said between much needed breathes.

"Me too," She responded. There was a long pause; I could tell she was thinking about what to say next so I didn't fill the silence with my voice. "I think that I was avoiding you. The last stage was eating me away…even when I wasn't in the simulation I was afraid. Then you were doing so well and I was angry with you. It's stupid. Having some time away from the simulations I realize that I should be happy for you not upset."

The sun was starting to rise higher in the sky and the warm orange light that hugged us. My blood was racing, my skin was warm and my heart ached knowing how bad Christina was feeling through the simulations.

"I should have realized you were taking the simulations so bad," I said biting my lip. "I should have been there for you. I'm sorry I let myself get distracted by my past…"

"You mean you should have not been distracted by nearly being killed by your abusive foster parent?" she shot back to me. I gave her a look of surprise, I didn't think anyone but the leaders and Four knew about that. "I overheard Four and Eric talking about it," she said apologetically. "They were both so angry, I never thought I would see them agree on something."

"Have you told anyone?" I asked and we started to pick up our pace.

"Well, Will started to put things together, you know he saw your scars," she shot a quick look at me because she knew more than she was supposed to. "Then Factionless woman and Marcus causing a scene on visiting day… he just was being curious and protective of you so when he brought it up to me I couldn't lie, I told him what I heard."

My legs started to burn but my spirits were lighter. It was nice to know my friends were still my friends. It was nice to know that I didn't have to hide because they knew my secrets.

"You're the best friend I could have ever made here," I told her with a real smile. "We are going to kick this last test's ass. Do you have a plan for any of your fears yet?"

For the rest of our run we chatted about ways to overcome different fears. We ran for so long that I lost count of our laps. We were just enjoying the company of each other and the fact that running gave us a physical outlet to deal with our fears. The movement was challenging but healing.

When we finished our many repetitive laps around the track, we weren't ready to leave the sunlight yet, so went to the corner of the track to stretch.

"So," I said wickedly while stretching out my right calves, "what's going on with you and Will?"

She giggled, causing me to giggle, which caused us both to fall victims of our own laughter. Friends, I thought, so much simpler than romantic love.

The third day of freedom we were invited to a party. Christina wouldn't stop talking about it and I was forced to go. It was at Uriah's childhood home. His mother was away for a few days working at the fence allowing him to have a completely rule breaking, stress relieving party. Every initiate was going.

After dinner everyone started to get ready. Once I was dressed in my form-fitting black dress that had diamond cut outs on the sides of my rib cage, I started to get excited. I wasn't worried about getting in trouble; I was just ready to have fun. All the girls pooled our make-up because individually we didn't have very much. I chatted animatedly with everyone, very much opposite of my withdrawn, isolated front I often put up.

At nine we headed out to the party. Christina and Will were walking together, their shoulders hitting each other every so often and their eyes barely leaving each other's face, making them a dangerous pair to walk near. I walked with Al. He was so withdrawn.

"Is everything okay?" I asked him concerned.

"I'm not going to make it," his voice was flat.

"To the party? Yes you are, I'm walking with you there!"

"No, in Dauntless."

I stopped him, grabbed his arm and made him look at me. He was a lot taller than me so I had to arch my neck to look at him in the eyes.

"Don't say that, you don't know." The group was getting further away from us.

"I am at the bottom of the rankings, I'm hopeless."

"You will be if you keep thinking that way!" I scolded at him. "Don't worry about it tonight. Have a great night, forget about your worries and tomorrow we will go over strategies for you to overcome your fears."

"You'll help me?" he asked hopeful.

"Of course," I responded without hesitation.

He gave me a weak smile that didn't quiet reach his eyes. He picked his hand up and gently glided it across my check bone. The moment was too intimate for me, I didn't want him to think I liked him; I didn't need any more men complicating that aspect of my life. I pulled back, hoping not to insult him and smiled, tugging him down the hall.

When we got there it was just initiates, which relaxed me. We were all equal, living in similar limbo and feeling the same stresses- mostly, not everyone had to worry about being hunted by their past and possibly their future. Uriah gave everyone drinks and turned on some music. The drink tasted bad but quickly warmed my skin. I felt free again. It was a high. But part of me knew this wasn't a natural freedom, drink can't actually give you anything but a manipulation of reality.

More people came in but I didn't pay too much attention to them. I was laughing with Christina, Will and Al enjoying what I didn't know would be Al's last night. Where drink made me feel free, it made him feel dark and hopeless. We wouldn't know until the morning, but my words of encouragement earlier were forgotten or ignored when he flung himself off the edge of the chasm.

I too forgot my conversation with Al later on in the night. I was feeling free and ignoring all worries. A few hours into the party I swapped my drink for water. The kitchen was empty; I could still hear the music from the other room but had a moment of peace. As I leaned against the sink and reflected on my stay at Dauntless while sipping my water. It may have been crazy and chaotic but the moments like this and the moments where I over came challenges gave me hope. I made the right choice with Dauntless even with all the danger I faced. My time here has been the best of my life.

Being lost in thought, I didn't notice Four and Zeke come into the kitchen.

"Ana," Zeke shouted causing me to jump.

"Oh my," I said laughing. "Hey Zeke, Four."

Both of them smiled at me and leaned on the counter in front of me. They were so big, strong, manly. They were the physical embodiments of Dauntless. I loved it.

"Enjoying yourselves?" I asked laughing at them. "Are you guys the oldest ones here?"

"I had to make sure Uriah didn't burn down moms." Zeke responded.

"And we're only two years older," scoffed Four.

Our conversation started flowing with ease. We made each other laugh and they impressed me with their stories of bravery. I might have been drinking water but by the smell of it, they were drinking something much stronger. I'm not sure when, but sometime throughout our conversation, Four moved from his original spot to one next to me. His arms were crossed on his chest but he was standing so close that his arm touched mine. Maybe he didn't think of me as a sister… Each time he took a drink, his arm caused friction on mine, sending electricity through my body. Part of me want to feel more, be touched more but another part of me relished in the power of his simple touch.

His touch was consuming. I struggled to pay attention to the conversation at hand. Four was telling Zeke about the initiate's game of capture the flag.

"I thought she was going to jump off the Ferris wheel," he said laughing.

"I wasn't going to jump, " I responded rolling my eyes.

When Four finished the story, Zeke said, "You are one unique girl, Ana."

"That she is," said a voice by the door of the kitchen that made me jump. Knowing the voice I didn't want to look up. I knew he'd ruin the camaraderie feeling between Zeke, Four and I. I knew his dominance would take over and smother any good time we were having. Plus, I knew that when our eyes met I would hear my moan that escaped my mouth when we kissed and I didn't want to think about that. It made me feel powerless.

"Eric," Four acknowledged him. I could feel Four's stance become straighter but he didn't move away from me. I was grateful.

"I came to check on the initiates, I heard they were having a party and who would have known that when I got here, half of Dauntless already joined the party," Eric mused.

I looked through the doorway; the room had indeed gotten very full.

"Ana, these two aren't trying to take advantage of a young drunk initiate, are they?" Eric asked wickedly while eliminating the distance between him and the group.

"No and not drunk," I said holding up my cup, "it's just water." Although earlier I may have felt drunk, I didn't now. Eric had a sobering effect and I realized that what he did the other day was just what he jokingly accused Zeke and Four doing now, taking advantage of me. Of course my body reacted to him, he smothered me but now I felt nothing but humiliation. I wouldn't do it again, would I?

There was some weird tension in the room as Eric eyed the closeness of Four and I. Thankfully my clueless and drunk best friend tumbled into the room, "ANA!"

"Oh my," I said laughing at Christina. "How much have you been drinking?"

I left Four's side to help Christina stand up straight.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" She shouted like I wasn't right next to her. "WILL KISSED ME!"

"He didn't!" I squealed back to her. "Too bad you wont remember it tomorrow." And we both fell into a fit of giggles.

I turned my head back to Eric, Four and Zeke quickly causing my dark hair to flip dramatically. "Bye, I'm taking her back to the dorms, she's too drunk."

"AM NOT," she shouted trying to take a step but fell to her knees. I helped her up and looked at the three men on the other side of the kitchen, I rolled my eyes at them and gave them a quick wave. Zeke's eyes were laughing, Four's were concerned and Eric's were furious.