Angel Of Dark Intuition here. ^-^ Okay people, more time is going to be passing in this chapter, and things between Seth and Renesmee are going to get quite a bit....interesting. But never fear, NessieXJacob lovers; if ever in doubt, just check the coupling on the description. Peace!
Angel Out ~Hearts~
Renesmee had started noticing several things since Jacob had left her, and she had to start life without him. Things that she had never had to consider before, things that had never really seemed to matter, or stick out. Things she shouldn't have to know. Firstly, she had become acutely aware of each one of her super-fast heartbeats, and how they seemed even faster, even crazier now than they had before he was gone. She noticed how whenever she thought of him, it would take off on delicate gossamer wings, beating so fast she was surprised it didn't give out, or burst from her chest. It had never been that fast before, and it was worrying her. But of course she couldn't ask Carlisle about it; then he would have to find out about everything. Secondly, she had noticed that she was always as cold as ice now, every bit as cold as the rest of her marble-esque family. This too was abnormal; she had always been just slightly cooler than the average human, something barely noticeable by her human friend's senses. Now she felt like an icecube. Thirdly, she had noticed how unbearably quiet it seemed to be without Jacob whispering and laughing in her ear; now that he was gone, the entire world seemed to echo it's silence ten-fold into her super-human ears.
She had started to notice also how this was effecting the rest of the pack, they were mostly very quiet now, staring at walls or at eachother with this lost, empty look on they're faces. Sam had been forced to restake his claim as a temporary Alpha to lead the pack until Jacob came back, and he wasn't happy about it; they had found out a few weeks previously that Emily Uley was pregnant with Sam's child. Now this was effecting her, too, and all the late nights without Sam beside her were starting to visibly take their toll. Quil had taken to spending all day every day with Claire, and Embry had taken to spending most days at his house, actually serving out the seemingly endless groundings that his dad dished out, and his mom wouldn't say no to.
And lastly, Renesmee had noticed that as each day passed, she had been adorning one more piece of black clothing; about a week ago, she had noticed as she stood staring emptily at the reflection in the mirror that the slender, broken wraith of a girl staring back was dressed completely in black. Heavily charcoaled eyes the color of dead fall leaves took in the sight of herself, dressed in black jeans, a black T-Shirt with a black pullover, black army boots, and black bracelets. She usually wore her hair up in pony-tails now; she just couldn't bring herself to leave it down. She had even tried straightening it, in the effort to look different. It had taken five hours, and when she finished, she was beautiful. But the beauty was wasted, in her mind. She just couldn't feel comfortable in her ice-cold skin anymore. She didn't remember how to.
But things weren't completely miserable anymore. Because there was Seth.
Seth was the only one that seemed to be not too badly effected by Jake's departure, and he spent every day with Renesmee now. She had lost interest in driving, so most days he drove to her house to pick her up in his battered Sentra. Each day she would walk through the drizzly morning mist and then emerge into the dry, safe warmth of the car, heated additionally by Seth's massive body heat. Each day, she would smile at him, and ask him how his night had gone. Each day, he would tell her all about it on the way to school, and then ask her the same question. And each day, she would reply with a half-hearted smile and wide, empty eyes as she told him that she was as fine as she possibly could be. Breathing was no issue with Seth around these days; the problem was when she couldn't be with him. Each day, she forced herself to go through all of her classes, and over time, it became something like a game. She would force herself through, pushing a little harder each day to see how long she could last. Each day, she would be able to last a few more seconds, a couple more minutes. But it was painful beyond belief; the need for air in her lungs was almost overpowering.
Another bad thing was that she hadn't gone hunting for about eight days, and as each day went by, she became a bit more human, her vampire powers growing a bit weaker, because she refused to restore them. It was hard to read her father's mind now, and not too easy to block his, either. She wasn't very strong. She wasn't exceptionally fast. She had blantantly refused to go motorcycling when Seth had suggested it one afternoon, and her bike had been lying in it's hiding place untouched in the forest since the day before halloween. It was now the ninth of November, and it seemed that every second of her day was devoted to struggling and trying to keep her head above the icy water all around her; devoted to suffering through school, devoted to loneliness. Devoted to deceiving her family day after day, and to trying to convince her friends that she was making progress. Every smile was forced and empty, every laugh echoed for far too long in the silence it masked. This was the way Renesmee viewed everything now; because it was the only way she could make it contain some sort of logic without Jake. And that logic was crushing. But it was all she had now; as a result, she clung to it with all her strength, trying and yet still utterly failing to make something good out of what she had been left with.
Most of her time was spent like this, but when she wasn't throwing up a wall, putting on a facade, or breathing with Seth, she thought of Jacob. Even though it hurt terribly, she couldn't make herself stop. She wondered about him everyday, wondered where he was and what he was doing. Most of all, she wondered if he was happy, now that he had left her. She hadn't heard a single word from Quil Sr., and the pack never said anything about him. They tended to avoid talking about him, just as much as she did. Not even Seth knew anything about how his friend was faring; he couldn't find anything out. And even if he did ever find anything, Renesmee knew deep down that she wouldn't want to know, wouldn't have the spine to ask him about it. Because right now, she knew that she was missing him, and in that, she was able to hold onto some foolish hope that he was missing her too for some reason. And so, she was able to survive. The moment Seth told her that this was not the case, and that he was happy without her, she wouldn't be able to hold on anymore. She would die, and bring everyone she loved down with her. They had already lost Jake; she wouldn't take herself away from them as well.
This was how she made it from day to day, and within the next couple days, it was November eleventh. Remembrance Day. Renesmee's eyes were open and staring at her ceiling long before the morning light crept into her window, and as soon as it did, she slipped out of bed, her feet making a very loud, human thud as they hit the floor. She dressed mechanically all in black, but today it was appropriate, for once. Today, she wasn't the only one in the world suffering. She walked slowly down every stair in the entire winding case; jumping the way she used to would have some major consequences now. Consequences she didn't want her family seeing. She made herself talk cheerfully about how she was going off to the memorial park with Seth and the rest of the gang to listen to the Remembrance Speech the priest was giving there. Every one of them but Jasper nodded their heads and smiled. They told her to have fun and think seriously, and then she was free. She hopped in the Jeep for the first time in a while, and sped off towards Embry's house. He was waiting for her on the front porch step, dressed in black as well, and he sprang up as soon as he saw her. He jumped into the jeep, slamming the door so hard behind him that the frame of the vehicle shook. Renesmee looked at him in alarm; up close, she could see the shimmering tremors going through him, making his hands shake and his breath come out ragged. 'Em, what's wrong? What happened?" Her voice sounded more alive than she had heard it in days, and some of the heavy stupor of icy apathy lifted off of her chest as she took in the sight of her friend. He let out a vicious snarl in response, and then took several deep, catching breaths in an attempt to calm himself before he answered her. "I think I'm falling apart, Nessie," he groaned, sqeezing his eyes shut as he angrily bashed one enourmous fist against her dashboard. "I'm coming apart at the seems, I have been for a while. And today, that asshole decided to notice." Renesmee didn't have to ask who the asshole was; she knew without question that he was referring to his father. "What do you mean, your "falling apart", Em?" Her voice was soft and gentle as she placed one tiny hand on his arm and forced him to look her in the eye.
"I mean that I'm tired of trying, Nessie. Everyday, I've been doing my best just to make it through the minutes. And every day, my jerk of a father has been walking all over me, kicking me while I'm down, making me feel like this is entirely my fault. And as a bonus, I'm grounded until I'm forty." His voice was bitter and his eyes were full of tears by the time he finished, and Renesmee's heart twisted at the sight of him. She felt her own vision go blurry with tears as she asked "What are you going to do?" His eyes looked strangely dead and as scarily empty as hers as he replied " I have no idea."
After Embry, Renesmee picked up Paul, and then Sam. She made her way to Quil's place, and then that was it for space. Seth and Leah had to pile into the back of the Jeep. After everyone was on board, she stomped down hard on the gas, and didn't take her foot off of the pedal until they were sitting in the Memorial Park's parking lot; she had driven like a crazy person the entire way there, and everybody in the vehicle with her was more than a little pale when they stumbled out of the Jeep and onto steady land.
Renesmee almost lost it about every two minutes throughout the speech; having to listen about pain, loss and suffering without Jake beside her was almost unbearable. Every so often, she would find herself reaching for his hand, only to remember that it wasn't there, and maybe never would be again. Every word of every sentence made her throat ache, and the cold loneliness that had taken up residence in her heart would reach up and try to strangle her, making her choke. She almost had to run away; she didn't understand why her legs weren't moving, why her muscles weren't springing her away, fleeing from the words that were ripping her heart apart. But she couldn't move, for whatever reason; maybe it was because she hadn't hunted in ten days, and she felt practically human. Maybe it was because fate had decided that it wasn't done torturing her, and that she had to survive this, too. Whatever it was, her feet were firmly rooted into the ground, and she wasn't going anywhere. She listened to the priest's words numbly, and only some of the words registered. Just as she was sure she was starting to black out, something the old man said jumped out at her, and she heard every word.
In times of loss, it was I who comforted you. In times of pain, I tended your wounds. In times of loneliness, I smiled with love and companionship down
into your wanting heart. It was I who was everything to you, and it was I who was your salvation. Now it is I who have left you, and as you grieve, it is
made all the more painful by my lack of presence. But fear not, dear love; I am not gone forever. We are but seperated by something beyond my control,
and at the first chance I see, I shall come springing back to your trembling open arms, and make myself yours once again.
Renesmee's human heart stopped beating, and her breath caught in her chest. It couldn't be coincidence, she was sure. And yet, here it was; this priest had no idea what was happening to her. What does this MEAN?
Jacob****
Jacob Black was tired, thirsty, worried, and going out of his mind with depression. It had been twenty six days, eight hours and forty three minutes since the last time he had seen Renesmee, and there were no words to describe the way he was feeling. His sadness had never died, but now it was accompanied with a horrible sort of anger that was keeping him going. It was serving as a sort of raw power that forced him through each day, and made it possible for him to do his job. He had been teaching Iliana how to phase under hard conditions, and she wasn't looking so good. But she had made so much progress, they were both very hopeful that the transformation would be soon. The light that shone blindingly around her when she coelesced was fading slowly but surely, and he could almost see what she was turning into. Also, she could hold the mysterious shape for up to ten seconds now. Iliana's mysterious illness was clearing up in some ways, but worsening in others; she could go for longer periods of time under the training now, but she always took it harder after she was done. It was November 25th, and they were almost finished for the day; it was twilight, and the light of the dying sun was turning Iliana's hair a fiery orange. She was starting to gasp and sweat, her color was fading and her green eyes were full of pain. The sickness was taking it's hit on her, revenge for the long day of labour she had gotten away with. With a sigh, Jacob angrily ran one hand through his black hair and told her to lie down. As she did so, he let his mind wonder, as he always did, to the most painful subject he could think of. As stupid, as masochistic, as tortorous as it was, he let himself think of Renesmee. As soon as he let his mind go, images of her flooded his fevered brain. Memories of her laughing and smiling, of them hunting together, running together, lying under the stars. Of her whispering secrets in his ear, of her sweet, beautiful face surrounded by the curling dark masses of her luxurious hair that always smelled like orchids. Her tiny hands and feet, her perfect body, her luminous fox colored eyes. Memories of her staying up all night talking to him, of her sneaking away to see him even though she didn't have to sneak. Memories of him carrying her through the forest, and walking hand in hand along the beach. Memories of her first and only motorcycle accident, and the way his heart had stopped beating until he saw her get up and start cussing, completely unharmed.
In this dream-like state, lost in his memories, Jacob actually smiled. It always hurt ten times more to think of Renesmee after he was done reminiscing, but it was always worth it; every day, he missed her so much that it almost felt like he couldn't breath, and the only way to make it somewhat subside was to do this, to think of his imprint, and let his memories of the past take over his thoughts. When he did this, it always felt like she was close to him, like he had never had to leave her, and that his world wasn't falling apart at the seams because of it. As long as he stayed in his memories, he felt as if he was completely whole. However, the moment he re-opened his eyes and came back to the present, the pain of reality crushed him so badly he could hardly struggle to take a breath. But it's always, always worth it. And Iliana is getting closer, Renesmee, I can tell. I'm coming back to you as soon as I can, so please....just wait for me. Please.
**End Jacob P.O.V**
December.
December is cold, and the bitter winds howl
'round every corner, and in every small crevice.
December is cold, and it chills to the bone
I can't live without you; so please.
Just come home.
Okie-dokie, everyone. That concludes chapter eleven! I had to have some more time go by, so I passed through to December. In the next chapter, it's December 10th, and from then it's a sort of countdown to December 17th, which I guess you could say is what you would call 'DoomsDay." Cheer up, I PROMISE it gets better soon!
Angel Out ~Hearts~