xXx

Scholars of economics, as well as those of social sciences describe the phenomenon in which the set of decisions one faces for any given circumstance, is limited by the decisions one has made in the past, even though past circumstances may no longer be relevant. They call this path-dependency.

With those textbook words, the scholar means that once you push the ball and it starts rolling: there is no way back. Make the wrong decision and the effect will be irreversible, following you around like a dark cloud as it sets a chain of events in motion.

Whether your country joined the wrong international organization, your wonderful child decided to cut its own hair, or you yourself had a lapse in judgment in which you stuck your tongue down the wrong throat: good luck pushing the ball back up that hill. Path dependency is a bitch…

xXx

"A moment, Elena. You walked away for ten f**king years. All I'm asking for is one moment!" Damon raised his voice as he spoke and Elena cringed visibly.

A moment.

It took Damon seven long strides to make his way up the stairs and then he was gone. His voice, his smell, his piercing blue eyes, they were all gone, leaving Elena alone with her thoughts. She rearranged herself on the sofa, shifting a bit from left to right and trying to keep herself composed since she didn't know when Damon would return. The fabric underneath her felt stiff and cold. Apart from that it was also black, a colour she never would have chosen.

This was not her living room and it was not her home. As she looked around, glancing at pictures, paintings and modern decorations, the fact that she was not a part of her surroundings became all the more apparent. And coffee. Somehow coffee appeared to be a theme around the house. Coffee-coloured wallpapers, a poster of a steaming cup, Nespresso capsules neatly lined up in the open cabinet. Back when they had dated, Damon had never even liked coffee. Damon had changed.

"You were yelling so loudly. And you were fighting. And Elena… she was crying." Elena couldn't help but overhear the little girl as she loudly explained to her father why she hadn't fallen asleep yet. She instantly felt guilty, not just for listening in but for disrupting the peace and quiet.

Sophie and Damon were a family. They had their own rituals and habits… Elena looked down at her knees and swiped away some crumbs of the cookie she'd eaten. She wasn't a part of their routine, she felt like an intruder. She glanced at the cookies on the table and pondered the reason why she'd visited.

Damon. Elena had felt the need to try and tell him one last time that her actions in the past had been no more than a misguided attempt to keep him from harm. She needed him to know that she too, had suffered when they'd broken up. Countless nights she had cried herself to sleep missing the one boy she'd ever loved. He had to know that she'd always cared about him… and never stopped.

Yet when Elena heard the little girl sob upstairs, her words unintelligible now, it dawned on her how insignificant her own desires were in that moment. 'She needed Damon to know that she was sorry about what happened eleven years ago; how selfish, Elena thought. How ignorant of her to disregard the fact that all the actions that would affect Damon, would also include his young daughter.

The five year old who had just lost her mother wasn't asking for another disruption in her young life. She clearly didn't need any more big changes to process, nor did she need women coming and going in her father's life. She didn't need Damon any more distressed or conflicted. All the family needed was to be left alone.

Life was all about priorities and Elena's window of opportunity had passed. Once Damon had become a parent, the world had started to revolve around Sophie. Rightfully so, Elena pondered. Yet that did mean that it was time for her to say goodbye.

She waited a little while longer for Damon's return, but when he didn't appear to be coming down again, she took a piece of paper from her purse and began to write. If Damon couldn't figure out how to feel about her, than she would have to make the decision for the both of them. It was unfair to keep up the push and pull, especially since there was a child involved. Elena was growing more fond of Sophie by the minute, for just a second she had even considered what it must be like to become a part of the adorable girl's life. But that would never work, not if Damon couldn't trust her anymore.

"So this is me letting you go, finally… Nevertheless, I wish you the very best in life and I hope you'll find happiness.

Love,
Elena"

Elena silently put the pen down and read the words again and once more. So this is me letting you go, the words felt so foreign although they were written by her own hand. Finally. Elena's lip trembled slightly as she zoomed in on the world. Finally… As if her letting him go was meant to be… As if she had never wished to be his rock, the one to hold him, cherish him and make him smile, forever and always 'til kingdom come.

Finally. As if everything they had been through was merely a long detour designed to lead them to that final point where one of them realized that they were bad for each other.

"I wish you the very best in life and I hope you'll find happiness." She wasn't a part of that happiness, she couldn't be. It wasn't written in the stars so she was out of luck, awkwardly searching for her red petticoat before stumbling into the dark night.

"Life is not a movie," the wind vaguely whispered, as it carried an echo of Damon's words to the front porch underneath his open bedroom window. Life was not a movie indeed.

xXx

Elena fled. Of all possible words to describe what happened next, fleeing was by far the most accurate as Elena rushed inside her car. Suddenly she couldn't get away fast enough. One turn, two turns, six more miles and she-, she barely saw the red light causing her breaks to squeak loudly as the car skidded to a stop. It was time for a break and yet it wasn't, Elena briskly pushed the unwanted thoughts aside. She didn't feel like stopping because she didn't feel like thinking, all she wanted was to go home and sleep. The traffic didn't agree with her and forty seconds later she stood still in front of yet another red light. As she was forced to stand still, her mind involuntarily raced through long lost memories of Damon's Camaro, of how he would lazily steer his Chevy with one hand while keeping the other one on her tight.

Warmth. Love. Excitement. Those feelings were all gone now and they weren't coming back.

Sickness. All of a sudden, Elena felt sick to her stomach and as the light turned green she quickly parked the car to step outside. Clean air, a fresh start, yet all Elena did was heave, crouched on her knees between wet grass. Her chest constricted painfully as she wiped at her mouth. Somehow that was the moment where everything came crashing down. She felt small and insignificant. She felt fifteen again…

Eleven year ago

"Elena…" Matt's voice had once boomed through the woods, now it was no more than a distant whisper as she got further and further away from the crowd. "Elena…" She didn't stop. She never even considered stopping, all she wanted to do was disappear. Disappear into the night, for her image to dissolve in between the green or the darkness. Perhaps she simply wanted to vanish from the Earth, disappear into thin air. Gone.

With only two hours of sleep and a freshly aching heart threatening to tear her apart from the inside out, Elena simply wanted everything to stop, fall off the edge of the earth. Her hand slipped inside the top of her dress and she found the yellow pill Lockwood had slipped her earlier. Drugs, she was sure of it. She brought it closer to inspect it, holding it up in the moonlight, but then she threw it away, far into the distance. It wouldn't fix anything, it would only make things worse.

As she swung her arm, she lost balance on her high heels, and stumbled forward into the dirt. The dress she was wearing didn't allow much movement though, so as she hit the ground the stitches ripped. She was a mess, she had to go back and ask Caroline for a change of clothes.

Her heals weren't broken, still Elena slipped them off. She couldn't seem to move forward in them now her ripped dress allowed for bigger strides. As she made her way back to the woods, she looked anything but elegant. She didn't care who saw. Or did she?

Damon. His incredulous expression flashed in front of her eyes again. She'd seen his piercing lapis lazuli eyes turn dark as he saw her putting on a show for the reporter. The devastation etched across his features had been unlike any other kind of disappointment she'd ever seen on anyone.

Doubt started to plant its seeds underneath her chocolate curls. Damon was in pain. Could anything be worth it if the result was hurting Damon? Her fifteen-year-old self didn't think so and on second thought she hurried back to the crowd.

Her first instinct was to call Caroline. Her friend appeared to dodge her call however. Staring at the bright screen, she heard jogging footsteps approaching.

"Elena, there you are!" Matt called as he reached her. "What's going on?" he asked concerned upon taking in her dishevelled appearance.

"I'm sorry, it's a long story. I have to talk to Damon," Elena insisted.

"Oh no, you are staying as far away from Damon as possible, he just threw a chair through the window of the greenhouse. Besides, he's out of reach anyhow. His mother just send him home with his uncle. I have a feeling he won't be coming back for the weekend… What were you thinking, Elena? What's going on?" Matt questioned sternly.

"I-, I-, I-, there were these reporters… and the pictures… they were going to write an article to force his father into giving up the office… because I'm fifteen and they'd make it look as if he was… This was not the solution. I panicked. I was scared he'd be rejected from Harvard. His father's gone there, it meant so much to him and I-. What did I do?" Elena was trembling, her words no longer making sense to Matt. He didn't even know about Elena's relationship with their friend's brother. All the while Elena seemed to sink further and further into a trancelike state, with a quivering lip and crazy eyes.

Matt watched anxiously as his best friend rubbed her hands compulsively over her arms. Her movements were systematic and neurotic. He was frightened she'd break her own skin. The sixteen-year-old boy glanced from left to right in distress, looking for anyone who was paying attention. Why didn't anyone notice the teenager with the ripped dress? Where were the adults when you needed them?

Right, Misses Salvatore had guided the visitors inside so no one would spot the broken window in the back of the garden. Only the smokers remained around the front porch, but none of them were looking their way.

Matt took Elena by the hand, effectively stopping her from rubbing her reddish skin. "Let's get you home," he muttered, guiding her to his father's car.

xXx

Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

xXx

The car drove onto the Gilbert driveway. Elena's body moved slightly back and forth as the Matt pushed the breaks. She didn't open her door.

"Elena?" Matt asked.

All of a sudden the wheels in Elena's head appeared to have started to turn again.

"Yes," she replied with a definitive expression, eying him. She blinked. She had thought hard during the drive home and there was only one solution: she had to alert Damon.

"So…" Matt drew.

"I'm sorry," Elena started. "I know I asked you first and you didn't object to the kiss, but I'm still sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

"You think?" Matt inquired, raising his eyebrow. "You've been acting weird all night. Why is Damon so upset? What were you doing in those woods?" he strung together the first few questions that came to mind.

"Tomorrow," Elena replied. "I'll explain it all tomorrow. But now I really have to call Damon and have Mom drive me there because he doesn't know what's going on either and if I don't… I just really have to act quickly now," Elena rushed out. She swiftly kissed Matt's cheek and stepped out of the car.

"Thanks for taking me home, I promise I'll call!" she ensured him.

Her mood swings were making Matt's head spin. Then again, he was happy that she appeared to have changed into a less vegetative state. She'd promised to tell him everything the next day. He could give her that much time, couldn't he?

He watched his best friend's retreating back in his rear-view window. That better be one hell of an explanation.

xXx

Slipping off her dress in the bathroom, Elena dialled Damon's number for the fourth time already. Her call was denied, again. She tried Caroline once more, hoping for better luck there. Her best friend wasn't picking up either.

Uncle, she remembered. Matt had said Damon's uncle had taken him home. It had to be Mason Lockwood, his mother's brother. She had to go there, to explain to Damon what happened. Hastily she slipped into some pants and a top, skipping steps as she rushed downstairs. She was fifteen, however, not yet old enough to drive, so she quickly rounded the corner to the hallway, in search of her parents.

The living room was empty, so was the kitchen. Weird, Elena thought as she scanned the ground floor. It wasn't until she reached the staircase again that she heard the yelling.

"You don't even know what loyalty is!" her mother exclaimed emotionally. It was quiet for a moment. With eyes wide open, Elena snuck back up the stairs. What was going on?

"I never loved her like I loved you," Grayson retorted weakly.

"And apparently you never loved me enough to stay faithful. So I don't even want to consider where that leaves her!" Miranda yelled back. She threw the door to the hallway open and saw Elena's befuddled expression on top of the stairs.

"Good," Miranda spoke, "you're dressed. We're sleeping at grandma's tonight[CVD1] ," she announced curtly, dragging Elena along by the arm as she went.

xXx

It was three days later by the time Elena finally got to Damon. She had been forced to spend the weekend at her grandparent's house and Damon had systematically refused to answer her calls. It was Monday. Elena settled down on the wall at the edge of the Salvatore property, waiting for Damon to get back from school.

The past few days had rushed by in a painful blur and in many ways her time on the brick wall felt like the first moment she truly had to herself.

At home, she'd gone through some desperate attempts to comfort her mother, but the warm and all-knowing woman who'd raised her was no more than a shadow of herself as she appeared either stoic or inconsolable, depending on the time of day. They shared the convertible sofa in the middle of the living room, making it impossible for either of them to flee each other's tears.

Elena had stepped outside only once during the weekend, urgently in need of escaping the four confining wall of her grandma's little home in the woods. The thunderstorm that was wreaking havoc on the trees drenched her in a matter of seconds. The weather had been horrible ever since Friday night. Elena had hugged her knees on the porch for seven minutes, her tears mixing with the rain. Then she had pulled herself together to make them all dinner. It had been a demanding weekend.

It remained dry outside as Elena paced the length of the Salvatore driveway. She was nervous. Caroline had refused to speak to her in school and Damon had avoided her like the plague. Elena had been on the brink of tears every time she'd seen either of them. She loved Damon and did so with whole her heart. She admired his strength and wisdom and practically worshipped the ground he walked on.

For the last four months she'd been the one to be wrapped up in his arms, or hold him while he told her about his family. She'd given him her heart, a heart that still skipped a beat whenever he was near. But he paid no attention to her because in the heat of the moment she had made a decision to protect his future, unfortunately Damon didn't see it that way.

He failed to see how it tore her apart to be missing him, failed to see the devastated look on her face when her father had dropped her off at school that morning. She had done the wrong thing and he was punishing her. But never once had it occurred to him that they might have felt the exact same way about one another and their pain was eating Elena alive too.

"Elena?"

Elena jumped as a stern voice resounded from behind her. Mrs. Salvatore.

She turned around quickly and eyed the grown woman like a deer caught in headlights.

"The gardener altered me that we had a visitor, I already assumed it was you," she mused.

"I'm sorry, I just wanted to speak to-"

"Damon is fine. You shouldn't worry about him. He's doing a little better every day and since the noise of the party covered his little stunt on Friday, we have nothing to worry about regarding the press for now. You did a terrific job, Elena," Mrs. Salvatore congratulated her formally.

"I miss him," Elena stammered shyly.

"I understand," Mrs. Salvatore replied. "but you did was what's best for him. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices for the ones we love..." he voice trailed off. "Besides, Damon received his acceptance letter to Harvard, he'll be leaving for Cambridge shortly. The two of you would have parted ways in a few weeks anyhow, perhaps it's better this way…"

"I don't want him to think I gave up!" Elena dared to protest. "And Caroline-, Caroline won't speak to me…"

"Caroline will be transferred to a school closer to my husband's office for the time being. That will be more practical with Damon in college. I'm sure the both of them will contact you in a few days Elena, they just need time to process what has happened," Mrs. Salvatore assured her.

Elena stared at the ground, searching for words. Before Mrs. Salvatore had interrupted her there had been a million things she'd wanted to say, yet now she couldn't remember any of them. Under the scrutiny of the senator's wife she found it difficult to find the words to express what she wanted and needed.

"I-, I wrote a letter for both of them[CVD2] ," Elena suddenly recalled. "Would you-, could you give it to them?" Elena asked tentatively.

"Of course, Dear," Damon's mother promised, as the young girl in front of her fished two envelopes out of her backpack.

Elena handed them over nervously, fidgeting with her zipper unsure of what was next.

"Well, it was nice to see you, Elena. I wish you all the best. Thank you for visiting," the woman in front of her dismissed her, eying her meaningfully.

Slightly bewildered by how everything had went down, Elena bowed her head and whispered a quiet goodbye.

"And Elena?" Mrs. Salvatore called.

"Yes?"

"Thank you for protecting my family…"

Elena nodded and turned around, not noticing how her letters disappeared inside the deep pockets of Mrs. Salvatore's coat, never to be read. Naive.

xXx

Try to slip past the defense
Without granting innocence

xXx

Present Day

The bed squeaked as Elena tossed and turned underneath the covers. Her eyes were red from all the crying and her head ached almost as much as her heart did. Even after all those years she still failed to wrap her head around how she and Damon had ever been torn apart.

They were both warm and loving people. They were intelligent, kind and successful in their professional lives. But above all: they were sole mates. There had been no need for a thousand years to establish that they understood one another like no one else did. They had it figured out. They'd had it figured out eleven years ago already.

And to think that one gush of wind had been enough to start the chain reaction causing all the dominos to fall… It made her life feel so insignificant. If one mistake at 15 was enough to be dismissed forever, to be labelled 'unreliable' or 'unredeemable', then what were those other 65 years for? What was the use?

There was a soft knock on the door to Elena's apartment. Once. Twice. A third time. Elena switched on the light of her bedside table, confused. She wasn't expecting any visitors and she hadn't pressed the button for the main door to open either. Whoever was at her door knocked harder.

"Coming," Elena murmured half-dazed from the other side of the door.

She almost closed the door again when she saw none other than Damon standing in the hallway. It took her a second to realize that she was, indeed, awake.

"D-, Damon," Elena uttered surprised. She sounded tired, her voice was small.

It was only now that Damon noticed the redness around her eyes. She hadn't been sleeping, she'd been crying. Many tears. His tears. It made him want to comfort her, to reach out to her. But he couldn't. Not just because of the fact that she was barely clad and it would send the wrong signal regarding his intentions, but also because it would be too abrupt, too unexpected. He wouldn't be surprised if his mood swings were making Elena's head spin by now. He couldn't even explain what was happening himself, it was as much of an emotional rollercoaster for him as it was for her.

As Elena tried to make sense of the situation, various emotions flashed by in the blink of an eye. There was confusion, disbelief and a fleeting moment of relief, quickly followed by fear. With aggravated effort, she forced her mind to start working again, but she came up blank, trying to figure out why Damon would visit her in the middle of the night. Where was Sophie?

The tension in the hallway was almost tangible, adrenaline was coursing their both of their bodies. As Elena made no move to step aside or slam the door shut, Damon took a small step forward and closed the distance. They were close, and even closer, and as Elena closed her eyes, Damon tilted his forehead so it touched hers. Gently.

Elena's brain ran a short circuit. She couldn't make sense of anything anymore. All she could do was focus on her breathing as they simply stood like that for a while, winding down, merely touching. The tension rolled off Elena's body in waves, causing her to shiver. She had no clue what was happening and contrary to Damon, she did not instantly relax.

Her hands trembled by the side of her body and she didn't know what to feel or how to act. Part of her wanted nothing more than to let it all go, yet another part of her refused to trust what her senses were telling her.

"Shhhh," Damon soothed her, rubbing his hands up and down her arms.

She opened her eyes, staring into his, seeking the silent confirmation that this was not some cruel joke.

"I'm here," Damon whispered, swiping his thumb across her cheek the way he used to when they were younger.

The next moment Elena wrapped her arms around his neck, holding him close while hiding away in his arms. "I'm s-, sorry," Elena whispered.

"I know…" Damon whispered back. "and it's been a while since you were fifteen, at some point we have to stop paying the price."

He rubbed soothing circles on her back, allowing the words to sink in. "I've missed you…" Damon told her softly.

Neither of them moved for another long moment. It was Damon who broke contact first, leaning away slightly to read her expression. There she was, the girl he'd vowed to love forever, in his arms… Why had that taken so long?

"We missed out on so much… I want to know how you've been all these years," Damon spoke, eying her meaningfully. The words were true, he did want to know about her life.

"It's been ages since we really talked, can I come in?" he asked the question that would burn on his tongue whenever he'd dream of her. Simple. Easy. Why had that taken so long. How stubborn had he been, not to see that there had always been an option apart from tormenting them both.

Elena eyed him in wonder, still not completely up to speed with the new plan. "Sure," she replied tentatively. She stepped aside so he could enter.

"Coffee?" she questioned.

"Bah! No! Who drinks coffee?" Elena could feel him roll his eyes at her from behind. No coffee then, she noted. Perhaps he hadn't changed that much.

xXx

Once you push the ball and it starts rolling: there is no way back. It doesn't take much thought, or even any wrong intentions. Sometimes that chain-reaction has started already long before you realized what was happening and you fail to notice it until you're sitting there all lost and broken wondering where you went wrong.

Perhaps it never even dawned on you what the exact results of your actions would be. Perhaps you thought you were strong enough, thought you would not crush under their weight. Maybe you were always dedicated, honest, supportive, intelligent, and thought that the million seconds in life you choose right, would outweigh the one second you choose wrong…

Guess not. But that doesn't mean that there's no hope. "The difficult option is nevertheless an option." And sometimes, if we're lucky time and goodwill grant us new opportunities.