WildAngel wanted Face to suffer but now I think he had had enough! I hope you don't mind! :D
I've been so inspired to write this chapter! I hope you enjoy it! and please... review?
Shiver
Chapter 11
Four and a half weeks later, Hannibal received a letter.
Hannibal
I'm sorry I left without a word. I'm sorry if you worried about me, it wasn't my intention. If you can accept it, I would like to give you an explanation for my actions; if not, I understand.
After our last night together and the discussion we had, I felt really bad. Now I know you didn't mean to hurt me on purpose and those words were just the results of many sleepless nights and days. At the moment, however, all I could think of was to run away from you because I failed you. So I asked Murdock to pack my belongings, I knew if I had done it myself you would had stopped me and asked me to stay and, despite I'd wished to, I couldn't let you take that chance. I needed to be alone, I needed to understand if I could make it on my own. You and the guys had always taken care of me since the very beginning, maybe because I was younger than you or I was smaller than you, I don't know. Anyway, I can't recall how many times you saved me from dangerous situations. I am perfectly aware that if I asked you to, you would had helped me and given me your time and support and much more. But you have to understand. I have been on my own for too many years, since I was a child. I learnt on my skin not to trust people, because even the more gentle and caring ones could hurt you. I built up my shell, I swore to myself I would had been independent and never looked back. Except for Father Magill and Leslie, I've never loved anybody in my early life nor I left anybody love me. With Leslie, you know, I thought I have finally found my way: getting married, buying a house, having children and growing old with the woman I loved more than my life. When she left me without a reason I decided I had been a fool, once again, and that I would had never ever let anyone come real close to me in the future. I joined the Army, I became a Ranger then I went to Vietnam. I used to have friends, to play games, to date women but I've never let anybody see my real self. To them, I was always brilliant, smart and "happy". Don't get me wrong, I loved them but I would had survived even without them. You said me once you were impressed by me because of the way I was on a mission: it is not that I wasn't scared, I was most of the times, the difference with the others was that I had nothing to lose. The shell I built to defend myself in all those years helped me to survive tragic situations, to put aside my feelings and trust my instinct. When you requested me for your unit, I was honored because of your reputation.
So here we are, here comes the most difficult part. In the last years you have been like family to me. You mean everything to me, I couldn't live without you. I consider you more like a father – the father I've never had - than a boss and I consider Murdock and BA like brothers. My feelings for you all are deep. I can honestly say I love you, truly. But then, what did I gave you in return? The same old face, the same old lies. Yes, I loved you yet I couldn't trust you enough to let you have me completely, to let you see what was hidden under my many masks. I was afraid that if you had seen the real Templeton Peck you wouldn't have liked him because he is very different from the image I built up. I was afraid that if you saw my weakness, my insecurity, my sensibility, my fear, my vulnerability you would had rejected me. Rationally, I knew I was wrong. Emotionally, I couldn't stand the idea of losing you. This is the reason for BA thinks I am selfish and egocentric; he sees what I want him to see, in some way. I wanted you all to believe I was invincible, while I was not, and that nothing could hurt me. Now I know I've made many mistakes and I really wish you can forgive me if I gave you the impression of not caring about you.
I am sorry you have to know it this way. I would have preferred to talk to you directly but I'm not sure I could have done it.
After I went away, I spent a week in an isolated cabin – like the one we stayed for two weeks after the VA – but I had serious troubles. I couldn't sleep at night nor during the day and I felt abandoned, even if I knew it was my choice to run away from you! I didn't want to admit to myself that I needed help. Then Murdock came to see how I was doing and convinced me to accept his help: he offered me to talk to Dr. Richter but I was too scared to return at the facility, almost hysterical. So he talked to Father Magill and he gave Murdock the address of a rehab facility where he thought they could help me. We went to visit it and the day after I signed in myself. I wish I could tell you where it is or its name, but they have a program here that I have to follow: they don't allow visits and they didn't even allow patients to talk to their families on the phone in the first month. I have been here for three weeks now and normally I should had to wait for another week to contact you, but my counselor thought it would be a good therapy for me to write down my feelings and tell you what I haven't told you in all these years. I still have nightmares at night, but they are slowly fading away and I am feeling better. I can sleep now 5 hours per night, I consider it a progress. I have four sessions per week with a counselor, the one I talked you about before, he is a really ok guy, we talk a lot. Well, I talk while he listens to me most of the time. He is really helping me! For the rest of the time, when I am not involved in some therapy group, I'm working in the vegetable garden with other patients. You should see it, it's huge! There is also a gym where I work out every day.
I don't know how much time do I have to stay here, the doctors said I am free to leave whenever I want since I signed in myself but they strongly recommended me to stay as long as to finish the program I have started. It should take me another two months and one week. They don't use pills here or anything conventional. We talk about ourselves, we talk about our needs and our fears and our past with the doctors and the other patients. Sometimes it's scary. Sometimes I feel I can't let go, I can't let them so close to me. The first week I was here I almost had a panic attack and I wanted to go away, but Ray (my counselor) didn't let me; he said running away was not a solution and that I had to learn to trust myself and trust other people. That I have to accept myself in every aspects, because I was not only Faceman, but also Templeton. Since then, I've never talked about going away anymore. I know I have a long road to go. I've always had some problems accepting myself, but after the ECTs I had at the VA, it seemed to me I was out of control. I don't know why they like to mess with people's mind.
I hope you're not mad at me. I asked Murdock not to tell you where I was going but I also insisted for him to tell you I was alright so you didn't have to worry about me. I swear I'm not going to disappear. If you still want me in your Team, Hannibal, and if you can wait for me, I'd like to come back as soon as I am functional again.
I also hope to see you next next week, if you want to visit me. The rehab facility has a beautiful park where we can have a picnic or something.
Tell Murdock I miss him and take care of him for me. Tell BA I miss him too.
Hannibal, take care of yourself and get some decent sleep.
I love you.
Temp
When Murdock and BA came back from the grocery store, they found the Colonel on the sofa of their new accommodation. He was pale and he had cried but on his lisp there was a warm smile.
"Hannibal, is something wrong?" the black man asked immediately concerned.
"Nothing is wrong, on the contrary. My prodigal son is coming back to me… to us!" he stated, looking at the two men with relief. And he handed them the letter Face had sent him and they read it and they also cried.
TBC (Epilogue)