disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. it's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the song is by My Chemical Romance. totally not mine!

I couldn't breathe as I sat in the crowded parking lot, debating on whether to enter the hospital or not. It had been two gruesomely long days that Bella had been stuck there because of me. Two tiresome days I had to spend with a repulsive werewolf in tow, making sure I didn't go crazy and kill any innocent by standards in the process.

When I met him at the airport that day, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. My voice sounded like I had been crying, my face had been torn with grief. He thought she was dead. Once I revealed what really had really happened to her, he was just as mad at the tracker as I was. Just as sick with worry she wouldn't wake up as I was.

Bella brought us together, made us form some kind of weird friendship/truce thing as a response to our rising panic and concern. He was the one waiting there with me in the Volvo, pondering if I should be with my girlfriend or stay here. She hadn't woken up yet, and it scared me.

Carlisle said it was the blood loss that did it. That she would wake up soon and make a full recovery. I wanted to rush right by her side, but then there was the blood factor. Edward told me she didn't smell like herself, so she'd be less tempting. I'd almost jumped out of the car then. But the more I thought about it, the more painful I thought it would be to be close to her while she's suffering.

"Hey," Jacob said, calling my attention to him, "if my girlfriend was lying in a hospital because someone tried to kill her...regardless of how much it would hurt me to see her like that, I figure she'd need my support. Don't you think the first thing she'll want to see when she opens her eyes, is you? I'd be in there if I were you, no matter how painful."

The guy had a point. If I wasn't there for her, it was like saying I didn't care at all about her, which definitely wasn't true. She was all I cared about. All I wanted.

I nodded at what Jacob said. "You're right." I took a deep breath, put my hand on the handle, opened the door. "Okay. I'm going. Do you want to come in, sit in the waiting room?"

"If you wouldn't mind. It's easier than saying in an uncomfortable car that I could steal." I laughed without much enthusiasm.

We got out of the car and walked towards the hospital. The smell coming from it was staggering. Within the first few seconds I had to stop breathing from the smell of blood. Jacob winced at my side, so I knew he smelled it too.

In the lobby we met Carlisle and he took me onto the elevator and then towards her room. I stalled at the door, closing my eyes, hoping my visionary of her was false. I took another deep breath, and entered the room.

She looked exactly like my worst fears, only worse. Not an inch of her wasn't smothered with bruises. An I.V. was hooked into her arm and one of those respirators. The brace was on her leg, and there was a huge bandage on her head. It pained me to look at her.

I sat in the chair net to her bedside and looked at her face. It looked gaunt. She was pale and she looked troubled, like she was having a bad dream. I took her hand in mine, stroking the fresh scar that aful tracker had just given her.

"Wake up, Bella. Be strong for me and just wake up. I need you to be okay, because I don't know how to be okay without you. I'm here, because you need me. To stand by you, to make you strong again. Even though it's so hard for me to be here. So I need you to return the favor. Get better, because I need you too. I need you to make me strong again. Please wake up soon, Bella."

She shifted in her sleep, mumbling something I couldn't make out, and then was still again. Only noise was the beeping of the monitor. Only concern was the smell of blood seeping into my nostrils as I took a breath.

It's been two days. Why can't she just open her eyes yet? Just once, so I know she's okay and I can vehemently apologize for endlessly screwing up her entire life. Just once, so I can feel weight being taken off of me. Just once...

I continued to stare at her fragile body lying in that hospital bed, holding her easily breakable hand with the new crescent moon scar. I continued to linger on her face. How, even though she'd had the worst brush with death, there was something beautiful about the way she slept. She seemed peaceful, somehow...

"She smell any different to you?" Edward asked me from the doorway.

"Doesn't smell like herself. The scent isn't as bad, but I still feel the pull."

"Good. Then don't imagine the way her blood tastes. It was a taste beyond my imagination perceived it to be. I thought I wasn't going to be able to stop."

I shuddered at the thought of Edward sucking Bella's blood. Even if it was done to save her life. Still, it made me cringe. "I never thanked you for saving her."

"It's okay. I know you would have done the same for me." In a heartbeat. "Jasper, she'll wake up."

"I know she will. It's just very difficult not to be able to speak to her right now. I don't like being in this place. Gives me an uneasy feeling." But that was probably because of my own brushes with death. The flicker of my military life. Dead people--injured ones, more than the dead ones--made me remember my army friends; here one day and then blown up the next.

Edward caught the drift of my thoughts. "Yeah, I bet that would be extremely difficult for you. Take it from someone who almost died in a hospital--this isn't the happiest place on earth. But we all make it through somehow."

I know we do; but not without a fight first. Not without looking at people and being completely compelled at the idea of running away when someone needs you the most. Everyone would sure be a lot safer if I just disappeared. Of course I couldn't think that way; not when she needed me.

Edward gave me a long look, like he was penetrating my thoughts. Maybe wondering if I was going to run off and completely forget about her. But I was in way too deep now to ever look back. If I left now, with everything that's happened to her, I'm not sure anyone would ever forgive me. She wouldn't heal as quick as I hoped, and I'd just be wallowing in depression and telling myself just how much I truly hate myself.

Edward's eyebrows raised at my thoughts, but backed out of the room and I was alone again. Alone, still holding the love of my life's hand, who still hadn't woken up. I was getting more frantic by the moment, Every minute she was asleep, the more I grew impatient.

I knew Carlisle said it was okay. And he's the expert, not me--but sometimes I doubted his word. Felt like he was saying that only to make me feel better. But hey, I have an overactive imagination and I was still pissed at that tracker for biting Bella.

She stirred again in her sleep, muttering something I couldn't understand, and the heart monitor started beating as her pulse increased. I was curious to see what she was dreaming about that was frightening her. Then she muttered something again. "Don't let James get me."

James. That must have been the name of the tracker who'd tried to kill her. It made me want to puke that he actually had a name, especially one like that. One that has meaning.

Suddenly I was sick to my stomach again. The venom churned inside of me and boiled in my blood. I needed out of the room and away from her before I lose control. I burst out of the room and into the lobby, practically pulling my hair out of my head.

"Jasper? Son?" I heard Carlisle say and I looked at him, a growl building in my throat.

"She's talking in her sleep."

"What did she say?"

"'Don't let James get me.'" His name was a sneer. "I can't deal ith that. I can't be in the room when she's talking about that tracker. It drives me insane."

"Okay, okay. Jasper, just calm down. Sit out here for a few and I'll get you if anything changes."

I nodded as he left and sat next to a silent Jacob. His emotions were ranging all over the place and making me strangely calm. I took deep breaths to come down to earth and stop hyperventilating. Then closed by eyes and let my mind drift.

It wandered towards my most calming moments and places. Times in the meadow, laying in the warm grass, sun beating down on my sparkling skin. Times shut in the Cullen mansion, the whole family doing our own thing, but still coming together and being close. Times when I'd read little letters Bella had sent me, professing her feelings for me. Making my whole day worthwhile just to see those words on paper.

I knew if Emmett were here right now, he'd ask me what the hell I was doing and to get back in the hospital room. Conquer my fears, or run away from them completely, because I can't have it both ways. I've got to be totally committed, or not at all.

Right now, I was on the line on going back into that room and walking out the hospital doors and speeding off. I wanted to do both, and I was grappling with which would be the best choice. If I left, it would be safer for her, but she'd be extremely heartbroken. If I stayed, she'd be happy, but I'd be putting her in more danger. And this time, she might not bounce back from it.

I would hate myself if I did that to her. Either way, I'm doing something extremely challenging. The pros and cons on both sides could have devastating effects. So, basically, I was at ends here, And had to choose what I want to do before it's too late. And just hearing what my family would tell me to do if they were here--to get up and go back into Bella room valiantly--made me do exactly what they wanted.

First I calmed myself up enough and then made sure I had enough air supply to hold for a whole if I needed to. Then I got up and took the elevator back up to room 222. I sat back down in the chair I had earlier and watched Carlisle work over her, making sure she was fine. He sat in a chair farther away from Bella, just to make sure I didn't freak out again. And honestly, I was glad he was there.

This way I'll have someone here to talk to. I'll have a reason to stay in the room and not run away again. It gave me a change to make sure I keep my cool this time and not to something I regret.

Carlisle's throat cleared and he took something out of a bag. "You left this at Bella's place and I thought you might want to have it back just in case you needed to write through this situation and document your experience." He handed me my notebook of sons, poems, and one shots and a black pen.

"Thank you," I said, touched that he'd even think about bringing it during all this confusion. Until now I'd assumed scraps of paper I'd found would suffice. But I would have copied them in my notebook first chance I got.

I took the liberty of doing that now. I opened to a clean sheet of paper and took the craps of poems and songs out of my jeans pocket. I started with a few dribbled of prose I'd written, and then wrote out the last song I'd written about how the troubled of our world were blistering; decided to give it a title. Once I'd dubbed it 'Bliss Tearing Eyes', I changed a few things in the song, then looked at Bella.

Still hoping--wishing--she'd wake up and save me from all of this pain obscuring my happiest memories. I wrote out something about a person trying to commit suicide. They were so unhappy with what life had given them, they tried to stop their pain. But they lay bleeding on the ground from cut wrists, and their mind was sharp. They were begging for salvation, and to be saved; asking it they were too lost to be found.

I don't know why I came up with it, but it just seemed like an appropriate set of lines to write. I didn't know if I'd ever put any music to it, but it served as a good poem in itself. I just kind of wanted it to mean something to someone.

Once again, I looked at Bella's sleeping form, disappointed her eyes still hadn't opened yet. It was getting frustrating and I was a pretty impatient person. So I started to write again. This time, about two people who met in a hospital. Once again, my feeling, but an entirely different (or not so, since it's about hospital and assorted things like that) experience.

'And we can run from the backdrop of these gears and scalpels. At every hour goes the tick tock bang of monitors as they stared us down. When we met in the emergency room, and in our beds, I could hear you breath with help from cold machines. Every hour, on the hour, they drew blood. Well, I felt I couldn't take another day inside this place. From silent dreams we never wake, and in this promise that we'll make. Starless eyes for Heaven's sake. But I hear you anyway.

'Well I thought I heard you say "I like you. We can get out. We don't have to stay, stay inside this place." Someday, this day, we kept falling down. Someday, this day, set the Ferris wheel ablaze. You left my heart an open wound. And I love you for this day. Someday, this day, we kept falling down. Someday, this day, all we had to keep us safe.

'And if we never sleep again, it would never end. Well I thought I heard you say to me, "We'll go, so far, far as we can. And I just can't stay. One day we'll run away."'

I went back to staring at her face, which took on a peaceful surrender. Like she'd given up trying to fight against everything in this world and was giving in; letting nature control her, letting it win the battle for her soul. I just hoped it would let her live.

I remembered a quote from a tv show Bella had mentioned before. I'd watched a couple marathons on tv when they'd come on. It was season four of the series, episode Unsafe, featuring this girl named Alicia Baker. She'd said 'Just the thought that there was someone else out there life me...it gave me hope. In my darkest moment, you gave me hope, Clark.' I don't know why it was flashing into my mind now, but it was, for some reason.

Carlisle cleared his throat and I looked up as he started to leave the room. And then I looked at Bella. Oh! She was awake! Thank god! I saw a twitch of a smile and I lace my fingers with hers. "Bella! Oh, I thought I lost you."

"I don't think you could have gotten rid of me that easily." She coughed. Her voice was hoarse and raspy and I hated to strain her this way. "What happened?"

"You don't remember?"

She shook her head. "I remember James pushing me around, but then it all went hazy. And here I am, in a hospital."

I drew in a breath and explained to her what was going on. "The tracker bit you. Edward and Carlisle got there in time to save your life. Carlisle stopped your bleeding and Edward killed the tracker. When they noticed your bite mark, it was almost too late, but Edward sucked the venom out of you before it was finished spreading into your system."

"Edward saved my life? Where is he? I owe him. Carlisle too. And you and Jacob."

I smiled grimly. "All three of them are in the waiting room."

She tried to sit up in the bed. "Jacob is here? I thought you would have sent him away because he didn't keep me safe. I thought you'd hate him even more than you already do."

"At first that was exactly the case. But I saw how much he really cared about you. And he helped keep me from going insane while you unconscious. So I owe him one too. He's actually not bad once you get to know him."

She grinned at me. "I never thought I'd hear you say that. This is progress."

"Yeah. I guess all I had against him were just prejudices."

Hmm...I needed to talk to her about something, but I didn't know the best way to approach it. I had to tell her all that was going on, but how probably wasn't the best time. "What's bothering you, Jasper?" she croaked.

"I kind of wanted to talk to you about something you said in your sleep..." I hesitated before I said what I needed to. "You said, 'I'll be just like you now.'"

She lost her eye contact with me, shrank back down into her sheets. "I don't think it would be such a bad thing to be a vampire. It would be a lot easier for you," she commented quietly.

I almost lost it. "You want to be like me because you think it will be easier for me? Bella, don't you even dare think like that! I will not let you throw your life away because you want me to be comfortable! I won't let you do something this big that you will regret later in life."

"But I won't regret it. As long as I'm with you," she argued, placing a hand on my arm. I jerked it back.

"You don't know what you want. You're 17, and you have bigger things to look forward to without me holding you back. Without me putting you in danger."

"What are you saying, Jasper?"

"What I'm saying is that I put you in this hospital. I may not have been the one to attack you, but it was my fault you ended up here. If it hadn't been for your involvement with me and my family..."

I swallowed hard. "You're young. You'll outgrow me; find in a couple of years that you're destined for something. You'll realize what you want, and it won't be to become a dead vampire thing. You're too young to throw your life away. I won't let you. Look maybe...maybe this was a mistake to be with you."

"No! No, Jasper, it wasn't." Her heart monitor beeped wildly. She was panicking. "No, Jasper, I know exactly what I want and I'm not going to change my mind. You're what I want and that will never change. I don't know what I'd do if you walked out of my life. Don't go."

Guess that ruled out skipping town any time soon. "Bella, calm down. I only said it would be safer if I was away, not that I would leave you. I'm not going anywhere."

I sat on the edge of her hospital bed, put her head in my chest, trying to comfort her. I was thinking about leaving, and more now than ever I was convinced leaving was exactly the thing I should do. It was the only thing that made sense in this convaluted place. It was the sensible thing, but I didn't think I was strong enough to do it.

She wouldn't ever forgive herself for leaving. In time, I knew she'd move on and forget about me, but she'd be a wreck. I couldn't do that to her, even if I knew it was the right thing to do. I had to pretend not to hate staying in this relationship. I had to lie to her, to maintain her sanity, even if it costs me my own.

Bella looked up at me, eyelashes wet. "I'm sorry for making this so hard on you, Jasper. I just don't see why I can't be like you. I'm not leaving anything behind."

"You are so stubborn, aren't you?" Okay, maybe that was mean. "You are leaving everything behind, Bella! A lifetime of experience and knowledge and things like that. You'll be leaving your family and friends."

"But it will be all worth it to be with you. And all those experiences; I can still have them. I'm not leaving them behind."

"No. Don't you see, Bella, how different it will be? It won't be a human experience anymore, it will be a vampire one. And thus you ate leaving it behind in your unnatural obsession with the mythological! I'm not going to damn you to the life I've led."

"Are you saying that if you had the chance you'd want your human life back?"

"Yeah, that is what I'm saying. Life would be so much easier."

"But..." she was choking up again. I hated to make her cry. "But then you wouldn't have met me."

"I know. And I'm glad I have, but I miss being an ignorant mortal. I've seen what this race does, and I would never wish it upon anyone. Not someone with so much potential, like you."

"So you don't want me to be a vampire? You don't want to spend your life with me?"

"No. No, Bella, I do. Honey, I do. Just not now. Later, when you've lived your life to your satisfaction. When you've gone thorugh college and had a serious job and seen more of the world. Later years, when you've seen all that you want to in your life."

"But...then I'll be old. Much older than you. Do you want me to grow old and die before I have a change for you to change me?"

"Bella, your age doesn't matter. How you spend your human days does, however. I'm willing to wait however long it takes for you to have a full experience. Just not now. Okay?"

She sighed, nodded, knowing I wasn't going to budge an inch on my stance. "Sorry. I just don't want to lose you."

I laughed. "Bella, you could never get rid of me that easily. I'll be here until you order me away." Isn't that the truth...and against my better judgment too. But hey, whatever keeps her happy.

She smiled at me. "Now go to sleep. I need you to get better so that we can get out of this dreadful place."

"I can't imagine how hard it is for you." She grimaced.

"It's okay. I'll stay here as long as it takes for you to get better. Now sleep." I needed to think...

She closed her eyes and almost immediately began to drift off. Just remder me poweless when it came to beautiful girls I was in love with.