Chapter 10
A/N: This is a pretty dark chapter, but I think Dimitri needed to acknowledge all the pain of losing Rose. Please read and review!
"Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds"
-Bother by Stone Sour
I was getting too tired to drive much longer. The hour of sleep I'd gotten when I had the dream of Rose hadn't done much to revive me. I was going to need to be fully rested for what lie ahead. Most hotels would want a credit card, which I wasn't willing to give, since I didn't want anyone tracking me down. Thankfully, I found a little rundown place along the interstate that was probably mostly used by truckers. They took cash.
My room was a little shabby, but livable. I didn't need much. Plus it was only for the night. I brought my luggage inside and sat it on the floor. I sat down on the edge of the bed and put my head in my hands. What was I even doing? Chill, Belikov, I told myself. This is no time for a breakdown. I took a few deep breaths. I needed to get my act together. After all, if anyone could track down Rose and stop her, it was me.
My growling stomach startled me. I realized that I hadn't eaten anything in about fourteen hours. I remembered seeing a little diner just in front of the motel. I decided to walk over and get something to eat.
The diner looked a bit run-down, but seemed clean. The smell of food enticed me, and suddenly all I could think about was how much I wanted a bacon cheeseburger and a huge pile of French fries. I settled into a red vinyl booth. Thinking of food reminded me of Rose. A cheeseburger and fries was definitely her style. She loved to eat. Well—she used to. I supposed now she just liked to drink. Blood.
My thoughts were distracted by the waitress. She was a young girl—probably in her early twenties—with frizzy blonde hair, too much eye shadow, and bright red lipstick. She flirted shamelessly with me.
"Hi there, handsome. What can I get you tonight?" She leaned much closer than necessary. She smelled like cigarettes and cheap perfume. I tried to be polite without appearing interested. I didn't want to give the poor girl the wrong idea.
"I'll just have a bacon cheeseburger and French fries," I said. "And a regular coffee, please."
"Coming right up." She winked at me before walking away. She wasn't an ugly girl, by any stretch. I think she tried much too hard with all the makeup and flirtation, but she was pretty. In that moment, as she walked away, I realized what I had known all along. There would never be any other girl for me but Rose. No one else would ever even begin to compare. I would spend the rest of my life alone—not that I knew how much longer my life was going to last. It might be better to die sooner, rather than later. I couldn't imagine living out a long, healthy life without Roza. Even the thought was too painful to cope with.
Emotion was welling up within me. I was angry. What did I do to deserve to be alone forever? Why was my one true love ripped away from me? How dare that waitress think she could flirt with me? How could she possibly think I would ever be interested in her when I'd had the most beautiful girl on the face of the earth and I'd lost her? Did she think she could compare? How dare she? My fists were clenched so tightly they were shaking. The waitress returned with my cup of coffee.
"Would you like cream?" she asked.
"No!" I snapped without meaning to. Her eyes grew wide and she walked away without another word. Christ, Belikov, you're losing it, I thought to myself. No, scratch that, you've got nothing left to lose. I pounded my fist down on the table, causing my silverware and coffee mug to rattle loudly. A few other patrons glared at me, others looked a bit alarmed. I scoffed and stared down at the table top. I pressed my eyes closed.
How much could one person be expected to deal with? People lose loved ones all the time, I reminded myself. You're not the only one. Quit wallowing. But other people's loved ones weren't Rose! And other people's loved ones didn't turn into evil, undead vampires! Normal people didn't have to go out and kill their loved ones themselves! You chose this, Belikov. You wanted to do this solo. You're honoring her wish. My internal monologue was making me crazy!
I deliberately glared at a middle-aged couple who wouldn't stop staring at me. Why couldn't people mind their own business? Why care about the deranged looking guy sitting in the corner booth who looks ready to either kill someone or kill himself? I picked up my fork, trying to occupy my hands. I looked down a moment later and realized that I had bent it completely in half.
The waitress slipped my plate of food onto the table without a word, probably hoping not to disturb me. I gobbled the food down hungrily, not caring how it tasted, or how I looked. Suddenly, I didn't want to be around people anymore. I needed to be outside. I needed fresh air. I felt suffocated, and the eyes on me weren't helping.
I yanked my wallet out of my pocket and tossed a twenty down on the table.
"Keep the change," I muttered to the waitress as I made my way to the exit. Outside I drew in some deep breaths. I couldn't do this. I couldn't take it. I had held in my emotions for so long for the sake of everyone else, and I just couldn't do it a minute longer. Something inside of me had snapped.
I walked back towards the motel, fighting back tears. The pain felt like a thousand pound weight on my chest. I couldn't live without her. She was my life.
"Why?" I cried out, falling to my knees on a stretch of sidewalk. There was no one around to hear me scream. "Why?" I buried my face in my hands and cried—not just a few tears like before. I broke down, sobbing so hard I was gasping for breath.
It was chilly outside and I hadn't worn my coat. I didn't care. I have no idea how long I spent on the ground. I didn't have the strength or the will within me to move. My mind wandered to the loaded gun that was sitting in my motel room. I had an escape. I could end it all.
No, no, I couldn't give myself freedom while Rose was still trapped. Maybe—maybe after I killed her… And then, if there was some sort of afterlife; if this universe contained some sort of merciful god—which I sincerely doubted these days—maybe one day Roza and I would be together again.
How could there be a God? How could any almighty being allow this to happen? Roza didn't deserve this! She deserved so much better. She deserved the world. I pounded my fists against the sidewalk in anger, over and over. The sobbing continued. Finally I noticed that my hands were both scraped open and bleeding.
I dragged myself to my feet and stumbled back to my motel room. I was beyond exhausted. How many hours had it been since I'd gotten sleep? I wasn't counting the dream with Rose. That was anything but restful. I knew I needed to go to bed.
But when I got outside, I took out my gun and stared at it. I ran my hands over the cool metal. I placed the barrel against my head and closed my eyes. I stood that way for a long, long time.
Finally, I put the gun away, kicked off my shoes, and crawled into bed. I was truly, completely crazy. Too exhausted to cry anymore, I pressed my eyes closed and waited for sleep. I found a small part of me—a sick and twisted part of me—hoping that Rose would provide me with another dream tonight. Strigoi or not, I was absolutely desperate to see her. Suddenly I couldn't think of anything else. I needed her more than anything else in the world. My Roza.
When I woke, I realized that I hadn't dreamt at all. Slowly, memories of the night before came back to me. I felt like an idiot. How had I allowed myself to reach such a low? I'd contemplated suicide. How could I have been so pathetically weak? I really needed to remember to sleep more and eat regularly.
Thankfully, I was feeling a good bit better since I'd slept. I was a little disturbed that I was slightly disappointed by the lack of dreams, but I was ready to get back on board with my mission.
After a quick shower and a change of clothes, I hit the road again. I was ready to put this breakdown behind me. I was ready to get out there and find her.