NOTE: Give me feedback about this chapter. It's not as action packed or twisty as the last few, but its building up to the next chapter, when something tragic happens.
At least there aren't parachutes this time. We got to walk slowly to our possible death, instead of flying right into it. I thought as I looked at the bumpy road that led into district seven. This was going to be one of the most dangerous situations our squad would face, but it was necessary. If we couldn't get the Capitol out of district seven, it would show weakness, and we couldn't afford that now.
"Halt." I heard Jacobs order gruffly. He held up his hand, and we stopped moving. We were about two miles away from seven at the top of a hill that sloped down right into the middle of the district. "We'll stop here for the day. It's getting light out, so we'll want to take cover off of the road."
I looked at the outline of the buildings in district seven and thought about the hostage that would die today. Every day at noon, they gathered a hostage in the center of the city and taped their public execution. The Capitol had started streaming the executions for all of Panem, so we watched them on our portable television. I should have protested with him. I should have insisted that we hurry and make our strike today, but as I looked around at the members of my squad, I knew that wasn't an option.
We had been walking for eight nights straight. We walked from sundown to sunup, then rested for the day. This was the strategy that Jacobs thought was best to avoid detection, but it was the worst for our stamina. No matter how exhausted you were, it was hard to sleep with the sun blazing in your eyes. The past three days had been particularly hot, so dehydration had become a problem. It wasn't that it was hard to find water, but it was hard to drink enough to sustain you during the day and the long walks at night. Usually the area around district seven was relatively cool because it was north, but even here it got hot in the middle of the summer.
Finnick was sprawled out on the ground, breathing heavily with his eyes closed. Johanna was sitting on a rock in the shade of a tree, chugging down what was left of her water bottle. Furman had his hands on his knees trying to catch his breath. Even Craig and Jacobs looked fatigued. Gale was the only one who looked like he was holding up relatively well, which I hated because he was the one I wanted to suffer.
Despite the fact that we all had the same training, the rest of them were too used to comfort. Johanna and Finnick had been living the victor's life for years. They were used to being well-fed and living in comfort. Craig had spent the majority of her life living in the Capitol. Furman had been an office worker there until a year ago, so neither of them understood what it was like to go hungry. The only other person besides me who knew how to suffer was Gale. The group relied on the hunting he and I did, but it was nearly impossible for us to catch a deer here because the others just scared them away, so we had to rely on rabbits and birds. It reminded me of the games, when Peeta had tried to hunt with me, but he made so much noise that he scared off all pray.
"You can always gather." I heard myself say. "I'll hunt, and you can cook." I smiled at him as we sat in the cave discussing how to survive.
I forced myself to end the flashback. Thinking of Peeta was too hard. It hurt to remember his laugh or his smile. It hurt even worse to remember kissing him or touching him, so I avoided those memories especially. I didn't know if I would ever see him again. If I didn't die on this mission, the fact that no one was sure if he be awake if we got back still hung over me. I wish I had told him to stay that morning. I wished he had skipped training and just layed in bed with me all day. I wanted to rewind to that day and change everything, but I couldn't. I sighed as I remembered my last goodbye with him.
It took me a while to overcome the mixture of horror and shock I was feeling after seeing Coin and Gale. I eventually left the supply closet and kept going the way I had been originally. I couldn't believe that Coin and Gale were…together…in that way. I had a hunch that maybe Gale didn't have a choice, but then again this wasn't the Gale I knew, so I couldn't predict the reasoning behind his actions. I made my way through the corridors, praying that somehow Peeta had woken up. I needed him right now. I needed to confess this to someone, and there was no one else I trusted.
When I reached his room, I nearly yelled in frustration when I realized he was still comatose. I walked over to him and sat back down in my chair. "Please wake up Peeta. I need to talk to you. I need your help…" I held his hand and looked at his face, willing his eyes to open. I knew they wouldn't. He needed to wake up. I was leaving in the morning, so I wouldn't be here to protect him. After what I had heard from Coin, I was almost certain that they were trying to hurt Peeta. I didn't know how, but I was sure that they had done this to him after his surgery.
If I left him here with Coin, I knew he would be dead before I got back, so I needed to warn someone. I needed someone to watch over him. There was only one person who could do that. He was the only person who had ever really looked out for us.
"You rang, sweetheart?" He said, leaning against the doorframe. I had asked a nurse to get him, and I wasn't totally sure he would show up. His eyes were watery. He was still suffering from the withdraw, but I was glad. A sober Haymitch was much more useful than a drunk one.
"Yes." I smiled at him, hoping kindness would win him over. "I need you to…watch over Peeta. I'm going to be leaving, and besides me, you're the only person he really has. Just make sure that—"
"O don't worry." He said with a smirk. "I'll make sure our lovely president doesn't hurt your boyfriend, and, tell you what. I'll do you one better. If that cold hearted bitch has already harmed him, I'll find out how, and I'll figure out a way to fix it."
So he knew. He was as suspicious as I was. Haymitch may be an alcoholic, but there was a reason he won the games all those years ago. He was one of the smartest men I knew, so if anyone was going to uncover what Coin was doing to Peeta, it was going to be him.
"Thank you." I said firmly. "But how did you know? I thought you were on Team Coin?" I said sarcastically.
"HA!" He laughed a deep, throaty laugh. "You think there's a Team Coin? Sweetheart, the only reason people agree with her is because they are afraid, and for good reason. Look at what she did to him because of you. Everyone hates her, but everyone's too afraid of her to do anything about it."
I looked around the room, realizing that this was probably being taped. I panicked for Haymitch, but he shook his head. "Don't worry about that. I had Beetee do a little rewiring. It shows a constant feed of Peeta just laying here. No one will ever know about this little conversation." He turned and began to walk out the door. "I'll always be on your side Katniss. Hell, I've kept you around for this long, why would I want you to die now?" He chuckled once more, then disappeared down the hallway.
I stayed with Peeta all night, forgoing my last night in a real bed. It would have been too strange to sleep there without him. I slept in the chair, resting my head on his bed. Finnick shook me awake, and when I opened my eyes, I realized the whole team was there. One by one they went up and said their goodbyes to Peeta, just in case they didn't make it back, or I guess in case if he was gone by the time they did. Johanna and Craig kissed him on the forehead. Furman just said to hang in there. Everyone left until it was only Finnick, Peeta and I.
"I remember when I brought him back to life in the arena." He said. I wasn't sure if he was talking to me or Peeta, but I nodded my head. "He was strong. It was me who brought him back, but it was Peeta that had the will to survive. " I saw a tear come to his eye, and surprisingly he let it fall. I had respect for Finnick because he wasn't afraid to feel. "He really loves you." Finnick said, still staring at Peeta, but this time speaking to me. "He told me so during the Quell. We were both keeping watch while you, Johanna and Beetee slept. I asked him why he volunteered to go into the arena again. He looked at me, then looked at you.
'You really love her, don't you?' I asked.
'More than you could ever know. She means everything to me. I know I'm going to die here, but as long as she lives I don't really care.'
'I love someone too, man, so I get you. They told me it was all fake. They said you two just did it for the camera's, but I should play along because everyone hates Snow, so anything to spite him was good.'
He laughed. 'It is fake, at least for her. I think she's half in love with this guy from our district. She's known him forever, so I guess they have a history and stuff.'
'HA!' I laughed. 'If it's a history you need, then I think you win in that category my friend. You two survived the most difficult situation you could possibly be put into. You risked your lives for each other. No other person can understand that, Peeta.' I looked at you, asleep on the ground. 'I think she loves you.' I said. 'You should've seen how she freaked out when you almost died. You only react that way to someone that you love.'
'Maybe.' He said wistfully. 'She's just amazing. She's beautiful and smart and strong. I've never met anyone who stood up for what they believed in like Katniss. There is no one else like her. I've loved her my whole life, and I'll never love anyone else. I promised myself I would get her out of here alive. Now I just have to convince her to stop trying to save me!.'"
I felt terrible. I knew I had led Peeta on, but he had loved me so much, and I couldn't even see it. I wish I had realized my feelings for him then. If there was a way to go back in time and yell at myself for wasting so much time, I would. I just wanted to be with him. "Wow. I didn't know—"
"You do now." He said, looking at me for the first time. "He won't leave you Katniss, he can't. Did you hear me?" He said, addressing Peeta's lifeless form. "You can't leave her. Not again. She needs you. Hell, we all need you." He turned around and walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him. I just sat there for a few moments, replaying Finnick's story in my head. I looked at the clock and realized I was holding everyone up. I leaned over and laid my head on Peeta's chest.
"Haymitch will take care of you." I said. "He'll make sure you're ok. Just come back to me, and I'll be here when you wake up." I brought my head up and kissed him on the lips. Then I squeezed his hand one more time, and let it go as I turned and walked out of the room.
I shook my head and pulled myself out of the past. I looked back up from the ground and realized Gale was staring at me. I scowled at him and walked over to a rock. I set down my pack and pulled my bow and sheath of arrows out. I slung the sheath over my back and headed out into the woods. Hunting would take my mind off of things. It could make me forget the pain of the past few weeks, and besides, my team needed to eat. I turned on my heel when I heard footsteps behind me.
There was Gale, bow in had, running after me. I rolled my eyes. "Why are you here? Can't you just go hunt on the other side of these woods and leave me alone?"
"It'll be easier if we're together." He said, panting. "Maybe then we can actually catch something with a little meat on it. We have to invade the district in a day, and it would help if we had some food in us. Besides, it's always worked best when we were together." I stared angrily at him. He had a point though.
"We aren't friends Gale. This isn't district twelve. You're a different person, and you've hurt me beyond repair, so we can hunt together, but it doesn't change anything." He started to say something, but I turned and continued to walk through the woods.
We hunted in silence. The old way we used to do things was still there though, and we managed to catch a deer. Gale lured it out, and I shot it straight through the eye. I smiled triumphantly as we walked over to collect our kill. Gale had set traps along the way, so we checked them on our way back to camp. We got two more rabbits and a small fox. We would eat well before we marched tonight.
As Gale bent down to undo his last trap, he paused for a moment. I was looking around for possible predators, when I heard him say, "I really am sorry Katniss." I turned my head to look at him. I didn't want to have this conversation. I didn't want to hear Gale's fake apologies.
"No you aren't Gale. You tried this in the command room, but you're friend Coin set you straight." I answered angrily. "You knew what you were doing. It wasn't an accident. You wanted to hurt Peeta because you were jealous, which I don't understand because I know you've got Coin to keep you company." I said it before I realized exactly what was coming out of my mouth.
His eyes widened and he stood up. I backed away from him because for a second I thought he was going to hurt me. I knocked an arrow, ready for him to attack. Instead, he leaned against a tree and sunk down to the ground. He put his head in his hands. This was not the reaction I expected, and I realized that I felt bad for him. It was clear he was being manipulated and used. Maybe my friend Gale was still there, but he was being oppressed by this terrible woman. I kneeled down next to him and put my hand on his knee.
"I didn't…I didn't think anyone knew. I don't want to, but what am I supposed to say. She'll kill me if I don't listen to her. I told her that I didn't want to spy. When she first approached me I said she was ridiculous. I said that I would never betray you, and that she could threaten me all she liked. I wouldn't do what she wanted because I didn't care about dying, but it wasn't me she threatened. She said she would kill everyone I loved if I didn't help. She threatened my family, and I figured that the only way to protect them and you would be to stay close to her. I thought that if I was on the inside, I could convince her not to hurt you, and maybe figure out a way to stop her. It's worked so far, but in the process, I just hurt you myself." A tear rolled down his cheek.
"Gale…why would you…why did you…" I tried to find the right question. Why would he do that? He was risking the lives of his family to be a "double agent" and try to destroy Coin from the inside, and for what? To protect me?
"Why would I do it? Because I love you Katniss. I've always loved you. Ever since that day in the woods." I took my hand off of his knee and started to stand up. I didn't have feelings for Gale, and I remembered what happened the last time I had told him that. I started to say something, but he shook his head. "Don't be scared, I know you don't love me. Trust me. I see the way you look at him. The way you care about him. When I heard…what I heard that night, I was upset because I knew then that you were gone." He leaned his head back against a tree and closed his eyes. "Plus she kept telling me things. She said you were just trying to hurt me and that you were an awful person. She kept trying to justify that it was your fault my home had been destroyed. She said you were leading me on, and that you neverI knew it wasn't true, and I had fought it because it didn't make any sense. But I let the jealousy overcome logic. When I hurt Peeta with that flash grenade, it was because Coin had said to scare him. She wanted me to be the bully, and I realize now that it was to drive a wedge between us. The more she pushed you away from me, the closer I would be to her. I guess all of the feelings just came out that day at training. Hearing you guys…together…just sent me over the edge. I shouldn't have hurt Peeta. I should have promised to protect him, too. If you care about him so should I." He looked fiercely into my eyes. "I'm not asking for forgiveness Katniss. I know I'll probably never get that. I also know that I'll never have you, so I won't fight for you in that way. I'll let him win because I know he makes you happy, and I support the two of you, but I will never stop protecting you."
With that, he stood up and wiped his eyes with his sleeve, then he wrapped his arms around me. I hesitated at first, unsure of how to respond to this Gale again. I tried to let myself forgive him. I tried to forget all that he had done, but I couldn't. When I resisted and pulled away, he let me go. His head dropped to the ground and he just nodded. I could never truly forgive him after what he had done to Peeta. I knew he was just protecting me by being close to Coin, but she had planted ideas in his head about me that had gotten to him. He had chosen to believe her over what he knew was the truth about me. Maybe this wasn't Coin's Gale, but it sure wasn't my Gale. Things would never be the same, so there was no use pretending like we were ok.
"I can't Gale. I can't forgive you right now. If he doesn't make it…I don't know what I'll do, and despite Coin's manipulation, I can't ignore that it was still you that almost killed him. If you truly mean what you say about protecting me, you'll have to prove it. You have to show me that you're still on my side." He nodded in agreement, then turned on his heels and walked back towards camp. I watched him walk away, then when he disappeared, I started walking back. I didn't want to arrive back with him. I didn't want anyone to question the obvious tension between us, because it wasn't just hatred. Now it was a screwed-up understanding between us. Gale would risk his life for me because he loved me, but I couldn't and wouldn't forgive him because he had hurt me so badly. What kind of person was I to let someone die for me, when I couldn't find it in myself to care about them?
But did I care about Gale? I was angry with him because of what he had done for Peeta, but it was hard to wish death on him. In the hospital when it had first happened, it was easy to think of Gale as only the evil maniac who had hurt Peeta, but now, it was hard to convince myself that he was totally lost.
I cooked the deer and we all ate together in relative silence. Finnick and Furman tried to stir up conversation, but everyone was too nervous about the mission. We would walk the rest of the way tonight, then wait outside the gates of seven until right before noon. Thirteen had sent encoded messages to the leaders of seven, which hopefully they had passed on to everyone. All hostages knew they were supposed to start running and head towards an old storage facility near the back of district center. The plan was for our squad to run into the district center during the filming of the executions, when we knew most people in Panem would be watching. We would start firing, and when the confusion began, all of the hostages would run. A thirteen hovercraft would then blow a hole in the wall for the hostages to escape through, while hundreds of ground troops would drop into the district to finish off the Capitol soldiers.
The problem was, we had to protect the hostages and try to fight off the Capitol soldiers by ourselves for at least twenty minutes. The thirteen hovercrafts had to be parked that far away to avoid radar. The camouflage and radar confusion technology only worked so well, and if they were any closer to the center of the district, the Capitol would have detected them. So for twenty minutes, it was going to be the seven of us against hundreds of Capitol soldiers. The possibility of dying was very high, and I guess it put all of us a little on tilt.
Eventually, Finnick told a joke that made everyone in the squad laugh. This led to Furman pulling out a deck of cards and them playing a game. Everyone seemed to lighten up, and they decided to enjoy their possible last day. I excused myself to go sit against a tree and look at some maps. They may be able to forget that we were about to go to our death, but I couldn't. I knew the reasoning behind sending us in was that we were the best, so we had the best chance of keeping the hostages safe. If they were taken back and thrown back in with the Capitol soldiers, our men would just end up killing hostages too. I just couldn't shake the fear of death. I also wanted to be alone. If I couldn't spend my last few hours with Peeta, I didn't want to spend them with anyone. As I pulled out a map and started to examine it, I felt someone sit down next to me.
"Now I know you have those maps memorized Everdeen." Craig said, smiling slyly at me. "So why are you sitting over here alone?" I thought about lying to her, but there was no point.
"I just…I can't pretend like we aren't going to die tomorrow. I can't pretend like the person who means the most to me isn't dying right now. I can't act like it'll all just go away."
"Just because they aren't sitting around crying doesn't mean they're ignoring it." She said matter-of-factly. "It just means they're choosing to deal with it differently. You think Finnick isn't thinking the same thing about Annie? You think he doesn't wish he was with her just like you wish you were with Peeta? He does, but he knows he has a job to do. I guess they've accepted their fate, and they want to die with a smile on their lips."
"I know." I answered solemnly. "That's just…not how I see it. I wish I could be like that, but I can't." I hesitated, picking at some weeds on the ground. "Can I ask you something?"
"Anything Katniss." She answered seriously.
"What do you think about when you think about dying? What makes it less frightening? How do you fight back? I've been so close to death so many times, and I can't seem to figure out how I faced it, or why I had the will to live."
"Well…" She thought for a second, staring hard at the ground. "I guess the reason I can face it is my family. I know that if I die, I'll get to see them again. I don't know if I believe in an afterlife, but I just know that I'll see them in some way. I've been suffering so long, it would be nice to just relax." She looked up and squinted into the sun. "I guess the reason I fight back is because I remember why I'm fighting in the first place. I could have given up. I could have just given myself over to the soldiers in the hospital, but I promised to fight the Capitol, so every time I feel like surrendering to death, I know I have to keep fighting to avenge my family. You know Katniss, you're stronger than you think. All of these people are here to protect you, but they trust you with their lives as much as you trust them with yours. If you weren't strong enough, you wouldn't be here. Does that help?"
I thought for a second. "I guess…I guess I fight for my family. At least it was that way during the first games. I fought to go back to Prim and my mother. I knew they needed me, and I wasn't ready to die yet, but after the berries, it was more than that. I was living for something. I knew that I meant something. All of these people put their faith in me, and I knew I was the person that had the power to change things. I had the power to change Panem and to overthrow the Capitol, and I knew that if I died, hope would die with me." I said finally.
"And there is your answer." Craig looked at me. "You, Katniss Everdeen, are someone to believe in. You give people hope. You give them something to fight for, and you show them that there is always a way to win. Never give up on yourself, no matter how hard things get. People like Coin and Snow will always try to bring you down because you are a threat to them. They're the same person, and you know as well as I do that even if we win this war, nothing will change. Maybe there will be no more Hunger Games, but that was just a symbol for the larger problems that Panem has. Coin is a dictator, just like Snow, and she will rule just like he does."
"I know." I answered with a sigh. "I guess I've always known. I just don't know what to do. She'll kill them all if I try to fight her. She doesn't care about anyone but herself and her power. I want to win this war, and I know I'm fighting for the right side, but once we win I don't know what I'll do."
"You could be president if you wanted to." I laughed sarcastically at her comment. "I mean it! I know you wouldn't be, but the fact is, you're the one they love. You have the people, and that's the most important thing. When the time comes to take over, and Coin asks you for her support, you have the power to take that away. Why do you think she hasn't just let you die? She's waiting for you to give her approval, then she'll get rid of you so you can't take it back."
"So what do I do?" I asked, almost in tears. This was a hopeless situation. There was no way to beat her. I might have the people on my side, but I had no doubt she would hurt everyone I loved if I tried to rise against her. It was a war within a war. "I can't risk the lives of my family. I can't risk Peeta's life. I—" She grabbed my arm and I looked at her. She was staring at me intensely.
"Never let them own you Katniss. You're stronger than you know. You're better than them. Don't ever let them tell you what to do. I believe in you, and I know that when the time comes you'll make the right choice. Just promise me something. Promise me that you'll never let Coin or Snow or anyone else change you." I nodded. "Good. Now try and rest. We finish the march at sundown." She smiled and started to stand, but then she hesitated. She reached out and put her arms around me. She held me there for a while. I knew she was thinking of her daughter. Finally, she pulled away.
"Sundown." She said, getting up and heading back to the group. I laid down on the ground and closed my eyes, covering my face with a piece of cloth. Craig was more of a mother to me than my own mother had ever been. She really cared about me, and she always seemed to know the right thing to say or the right advice to give. As much as I resented Coin, I couldn't help but thank her for putting me in squad 451. These people were as much my family as Prim and my mother, and I would do anything to protect them.
Sundown, I thought as I drifted off to a restless sleep. That was when I would begin the fight for my life.