MIYUKI, THESPIAN EXTRAORDINAIRE
I gotta say I like the love that insane Miyuki is getting, and that I pulled off screen Miyuki rather well. Anyways we will see more insanity, more insults, and we find out that someone we know isn't exactly who we think they are…
Oh yeah, great speculation Armor Blade. I won't spoil anything but your predictions aren't too far off.
MIYUKI!
"We saw a shooting star the other day…" Konata walked up to me and said. And I saw your mom, oh wait I didn't. Because she's DEAD! "…but Kagami said something about the wishing three times thing being unrealistic."
"Shooting stars are so wonderful. I haven't seen many of them. It's difficult to see stars from our house." I said in my normal dumbfuck demeanor. Especially when they crash down to earth and obliterate everything you love and cherish.
"Right, your house is in the city, right?" Konata replied. No, it's in some upper class suburbs. Yeah they invented those in the 1880's. You're like North Korea sometimes. You have trouble embracing the 20th century, nonetheless the 21st.
"I would probably be too amazed to have time to make a wish." I dreamily said. Or I wouldn't care. It's a little white streak in the sky, woopty-fucking-doo. "The sight of a dazzling, shining star would fill you with feelings of joy. That would explain the myth that shooting stars grant wishes."
I was crying on the inside while Tsukasa and I giggled like autistic children.
"It's almost winter break." Tsukasa said as we sat down to eat lunch.
"But we have finals first." Kagami interjected. Cool, no one asked.
"Do you have any plans for winter break?" Konata asked her. Probably doing "Family" stuff. Which means twincest.
"Nothing." Kagami curtly replied with her chopsticks in her mouth. "Reminds me, we haven't taken a vacation in awhile." That's because you're poor and your parents don't love you.
"I went to Asakusa the other day." Konata told her, And you should have stayed there.
"When was that?" Kagami asked.
Konata scratched the back of her head and gave a guilty look. "You know how you get sleepy on the train during winter?" No, I keep my senses sharp incase of zombies.
Then Tsukasa spoke up, "Huh? But isn't that the opposite direction?" Hmm, well played Mayo-chan. Well played.
"The train reached the end of the line and turned around and then I missed my stop again. By the time I was conscious, we were in Asakusa." Konata explained. What did you do? Get piss drunk and pass out the whole way home and back?
"Hey now. You can only miss your stop so many times." Kagami said in disbelief, Konata sighed at that. Remember who we're dealing with then think that over again.
"But it wasn't entirely a bad thing." Konata stammered, trying to justify her slip up. "Since I hadn't visited Asakusa in a while." Next time just stay there. Your dad can find some other underage girl to play "doctor" with.
"Shouldn't be doing that right before finals." Kagami remarked. Why? She might get held back, or kill herself. Suicide rates are up this year. We're top ten when it comes to suicides, Norway being number 1. I'm determined for us to make that spot.
"And I had a feeling I saw a girl in a sailor uniform with a machine gun walk by. What was that about?" Konata said rhetorically. For your information it was a XM214 Gatling Gun. And wait, how did you not know it was me!? What was I doing with a 130 pound machine gun down there anyways?
"Don't tell me someone was making a hit." Kagami muttered. Not EXACTLY making a hit. Let's just say I HATE zoo animals and leave it at that.
"And you know, sleeping helps you grow more!" Konata blurted out randomly. The results don't show with you.
"I got an even better one!" Konata shouted out, Your mom fell asleep and never woke up? "My dad pulled an all-nighter and then went to turn in a manuscript. He got on an early morning train but missed his stop then it reached the end and made a U-turn and when he woke up, he'd already missed his stop and this happened a few more times. He started to wake up when he got close to his station but he'd still end up missing it. He was tired and wanted to get home and sleep, but he couldn't get home. In the end, he no longer knew which direction he was going whenever he woke up."
"Unbelievable." Kagami said. "I always wake up before my stop if I fall asleep.
"That's amazing! How do you know?" Tsukasa chimed in. Not really, I do that all the time. My MP3 player has an alarm.
"Maybe she has an internal alarm clock. Though it doesn't work all the time." Konata suggested. I have a real one, you fail once again Kagami.
"What was that?" Kagami said under her breath. She said that you're fat, ugly, and have no friends.
"Since she's always snacking away." I snack away and it doesn't show at all. Except for the fact that I've had to get four root canals and twenty-three fillings. A world without dentists would be a happy world…
"Stop it!" Kagami shouted and smacked her on the head. Why am I not allowed to hit people? Some days I just wanna come to school and smack Ayano around for an hour or two but NOOOOO.
"But train seats are really warm so you get really sleepy." Tsukasa added. That warmth is from the butts of people you don't know.
"That's true. It's all warm and fuzzy like you're sitting next to the window in the classroom on sunny winter afternoon." Konata dreamily replied.
"What's this, covering each other?" Kagami said in her normal snobby tone. You're just jealous that nobody covers for you, because you don't have any other friends because of how unlikable you are. It says so right here in your personal file; 'Unlikable. Liked by no one. A bitter unlikable loner whose passing shall not be mourned.' SHALL NOT BE MOURNED. That's exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official. It also says you're adopted. So that's funny too.
"I-it's not like that!" Tsukasa stuttered and waved her arms in protest.
"The other day…" Kagami began, I could smell another bad story brewing, "When I tried to wake you up on the ride home…She yelled out half asleep. Everyone around was laughing." Uhh…You forgot to tell us what she said.
"One of my friends did that in class once." Konata replied. Bullshit, you don't have friends.
"Sheesh." Kagami groaned, "Birds of a feather." Take buckshot better.
"But why five minutes?" Konata asked, because it's phonetically pleasing.
But of course Kagami answered her, "Well, if you went to wake someone up and they were like 'give me another hour', wouldn't you be pissed?" No, I do this all the time too. My mother will say, "Miyuki you're four hours late for school please get up!" And I reply with, "Gimme another hour or two…"
"Well that's true…" No it's not. "…but five minutes comes up in a lot of other situations. Like, wait just five minutes!"
"You have a point." Kagami admitted. No she doesn't, she doesn't EVER have a point.
"Maybe 'cause it isn't too long or too short?" Konata suggested. Or maybe we could forget about this stupid conversation all together and play the quiet game. "Though the five-minute wait for the train feels really long."
"Sure does!" Tsukasa automatically agreed. I did my normal eye-smile nonsense and said nothing.
"Guess so." Kagami shrugged. "But then again, people who say to wait five minutes tend to make you wait a lot longer." She's right about that. Minami waited over night at that vending machine after I ditched her for some nachos.
On the way off the train after school Konata managed to spark another pointless conversation.
"You know how people say not to use your cell or put on make-up on the train?" Konata asked. Vaguely. "But it's a lot worse when the person next to you leans on you." Oh? Like how you were doing that to me?
"They're so heavy." Tsukasa agreed. So Kagami was leaning on you. "And you end up wanting to stand after managing to get a seat."
"And when you're stuck with the sticky head of an old person." Kagami added. What a deep, riveting conversation. Sticky old people.
"Sometimes I try to shove them off, but they somehow manage to keep returning to the same position." Konata went on. That's because they're pedophiles who like the smell of crab meat.
"Yeah, yeah." Kagami said as we passed through the gates out of the station.
Now it was Tsukasa's turn, "When I fall asleep and there's a man on one side and an empty seat on the other I try to lean myself towards the empty seat, but for some reason, I always end up leaning the other way."
"Guess your body feels more comfortable leaning a certain way." Konata suggested. Ohhh Tsukasa you're just going to take that? She's totally hinting that you like cuddling up with random strangers.
My turn I guess, I haven't said anything in hours… "When I see someone leaning over, I shrink up like this." I demonstrated by pressing my arms close to my sides. Then they fucking elbow me… "Then their elbow hits my side."
"Doesn't that mean they're actually awake?" Konata asked. They better not be, I get elbowed in boobs a lot more than I'm comfortable with.
"Really?" I said in mock surprise. We arrived at the spot where we split ways. My favorite part of the day.
"Good-bye." I said with a bow and prepared to go home to play some Gears 2.
"You know how some people at our school take the inbound train home and some people take the outbound train home?" Konata decided to ask. Yesss, trains go both way Konata. Not that hard to figure out. "Don't the ones who take the inbound train look more refined somehow?"
"Since Yuki-chan's an inbounder." Tsukasa commented. Don't discriminate me by class you neo-nazi. It's not my fault I'm better than you.
"That's not…" I muttered, No point in even replying intelligently. My intellect is wasted here.
"Yeah, yeah." Konata said and turned to walk home. "Back to the farm, fellas." Where you belong.
When I arrived home my mother asked me what I wanted for Christmas presents. I hate Christmas because I only ever want like one thing, then I get a whole bunch of crap from relatives I really don't want. Then I'm forced to smile and say that I like it and then throw it away when they're not looking. This years Christmas list for me was simple. The game Brutal Legend, that was ALL I wanted.
Speaking of Christmas…
"I didn't get any studying done yesterday." Kagami groaned, we were in our normal class setting. Neither did I, but I'm so smart that it doesn't matter.
"I actually put in a lot of effort this time. If I do say so myself." Konata said to our amazement. What you actually managed to open the book?
"How much studying did you?" I could resist asking.
"Only four hours." Kagami said.
"A whole four hours!" Konata said in unison with her.
"Huh?" They repeated in unison. And I study about twenty minutes and manage to top both of you. You should both go and just end it now. I have a good idea on how to do so. First tie some cheese wire around your necks then tie that to some part of a medium sized buildings roof. Our school would be perfect. The glue your hands to each others faces and jump. The wire will behead you and it'll look like you pulled each others faces off!
Konata picked up Kagami's test and looked at it, "You're good at everything, Kagami." If she's good then what am I?
"Well, I do a lot of studying." Kagami replied somewhat modestly, "Just between you and me." And Miyuki who is still sitting right here.
"You're definitely really competitive." Konata remarked. Haha, she cares about winning.
"Well, maybe it's my pride as the older sister. I feel like I have to be ahead of Tsukasa. Though I usually say neither of us is really older or younger. I used to be pretty worried about that stuff." Kagami told her. Haha, you're proud to be related to Tsukasa. If she was my sister I'd keep her in the basement and feed her peanut butter. I think she'd eat that. "But Tsukasa probably wasn't much competition." Konata smirked. Tsukasa had just walked up when she said that. Okay Tsukasa this when you snap and punch Konata straight in the fucking ovaries. It eliminates the threat of her kids coming after me if I finally snap and kill her family or something.
"Well, that's true…" Kagami said, completely oblivious to her sister behind her.
"It's almost Christmas!" Tsukasa said like nothing had happened. But she'll slit her wrists later in sadness, so it's all good.
"I wonder what my present will be this year." Konata wondered. Rape.
"You still get presents." Tsukasa half remarked, half mocked, "How long did you believe in Santa Claus?" Me? Until I was five and my uncle died in our fire place. NOT my fault.
"Santa Claus isn't real?" Konata stared at Tsukasa in disbelief. Once again Konata never ceases to amaze me. She still probably thinks she'll get a letter accepting her to Hogwarts still.
I gave Kagami a handout from earlier then went to take a nap at my desk. Gears of War 2 had recently become my game of choice and I stayed up all night playing it…again. I'm getting pretty damn good with the Torque Bow, I can almost get headshots with it every time. And if I get the sniper rifle…Oh ho ho ho, let's just say I'm an "avoided player" for a lot of people.
I was lazily dreaming about the time my dad got beaten up by the lead singer for Tool at one of their shows. I think that's the only cool thing my dad has ever done. He ran up on stage to give Maynard Keenan a hug and the guy flips him on the ground, puts him in a headlock, then continues singing the song WHILE sitting on him. Pretty awesome in my opinion.
"My cavity started hurting recently." Tsukasa said, pulling me away from my thoughts.
"My, how dreadful." I remarked honestly. My teeth are in constant pain, I know full well how awful that feels.
"I really can't stand dentists." She said. Yeah, they're heartless profiteers. On my first root canal they stopped midway and just gave it half a filling and told me to come back a month later. So I had to spend a month only eating with one side of my mouth because the other had a tooth that had a massive painful hole in it. "You went to see the dentist for your cavity the other day. Is it better now?" No, never is.
"Dentists take a long time on each tooth…" I replied, not really knowing where I was going with this. "…and they have to repeat the procedure for every tooth, so it takes a long time right? So I end up escaping after making a number of excuses. What to do?" I am so freakin' high right now…My teeth hurt so bad that I've turned to morphine to make them stop hurting. I should probably stop since that stuff's supposed to be really addictive.
Before I could even react both Konata and Kagami had morphed out of the ground and were next to us.
"There sure are a lot of cases with adults going after children." Kagami said gravely.
"Indeed…" I agreed. Just the other day some old dude with blue hair tried hitting on me. Not. Very. Cool.
"I was thinking…" Konata began, That's a first. "If you teach kids martial arts wouldn't there be a decrease in that kind of stuff?" She demonstrated her point with a few punches to the air. Maybe, knife play works better. Trust me. "After much training Master Oyama was able to be a cow with his bare hands, with one blow." Wooptydoo, I can do that with a knife. "…And bears toppled like trees after a couple of hits!" Once again more stuff I can do with a knife.
"I see." Kagami said after Konata kicked at the air. "But won't that come back to haunt you?" Not if you castrate the bear the right way. "When those kids grow up the adults will be strong too."
"U-um…" Konata stuttered at the thought of a world full of trained killers. "You know… People say training in the martial arts helps you mature as a person."
"I see." Kagami nonchalantly replied. "There's someone who does martial arts and hasn't matured right here." Fuck you Kagami, I call it knife play and I'm a lot more mature than you are!
"How rude!" Konata yelped. Don't defend me! She then completely derailed the conversation, "I have this cousin, Yui nee-san's little sister, who's entering high school next year." Great, another waste of space to stamp out my sanity. I'm not even going to hold back on this one, I'll just go crazy on that little girl and make her life hell. I deserve it. "She's physically weak…" Good, good. "…but she's sweet and pure and really adorable." You're making this too easy. I can break her body AND soul? "…But I started thinking about how a healthy spirit leads to a healthy body, I start feeling something dark is lurking behind those shining eyes."
"I doubt aphorisms are universal. Look at you." Kagami curtly replied. I saw you just shift your eyes at me! Anyways, maybe if she's all dark and evil then she'll be cool. Maybe Minami and I could add her to our group or something.
"Okay!" Kuroi shouted across the classroom after some unknown length of time had passed. "There's an early present from your teacher!" You're going to shoot yourself in front of us? If so then I hope you get some brain matter on my shoes. "Here are your report cards!" That's not a present, even if I did get all 100's.
"I wonder what kind of Christmas cakes will be good this year!" Tsukasa happily said after we reformed our little group/prison block. The same kind that were good last year. Time for me to give some rambling random reply.
"When you go to a bakery there are so many cute cakes that you can have fun just looking." Then trying to see how many you can steal.
"What happens to the cakes that weren't sold before Christmas?" Konata actually asked. They get thrown away? What do you want from me?
"Perhaps the employees take them home." I suggested.
"But if nobody takes them, they might throw them away." Tsukasa added. Yeah, big deal.
"They often compare marriage to Christmas." Konata said just as Kuroi was walking by. A subtle attack Konata, not bad.
"Like how twenty-five is the end of the line." Tsukasa added to the attack. So I only have to make it to 25 and then I don't have to worry about marriage. I can do that.
That about the extent of our conversations before we went off for Christmas break. I was dreading it, this was the time of the year that mother made me stay with family. I hate family oh so very much and I'm going to make sure they know. So I was going to spend as much time with Minami as I could before I left. I walked to her home after getting off of school and found her sitting in the corner of her room in the fetal position.
"Uhh…Did I miss something?" I asked, she replied by pointing at her computer which had a doujin opened up. I sat down and clicked it back to the first page, it was titled Hell Season.
Now I have never had a problem with gore, or guro for that matter, but after reading this I vomited on Minami's floor. Very violently, in fact. Hell Season was…it was just something else. Now I had to go deal with family while this monstrosity was still on my mind.
NEXT TIME- A VERY MERRY MIYUKI CHRISTMAS
Ahem, credit to- Portal, Beavis & Butthead, Gears of War 2, Brutal Legend, Harry Potter, Tool (Speaking of which, the singer really did do that to a fan during a concert), Hell Season.
A little fun tidbit on Hell Season. That very well may be the most extreme, disgusting, horrifying guro doujin ever created. For the love of Haruhi, do NOT look this up. I'll summarize everything it includes- Quad-amputee, twincest, ass-to-mouth, EXTREME gore, and human waste. All at the same time.