The ache in Adam's gut was growing with each step he made towards Voight's office, when they finally made it to the bullpen it was massive. He was met with grim faces, Kevin jumped up from his desk first.
"Adam, man." Kevin was sullen, "I love you, I'm here for you." He engulfed him in a hug and both men were in tears.
They stood like that for a good bit, Adam was the first to end the hug. He reached up and wiped his face with his hands, "Thanks.." he had no fucking clue how to respond to him but thanks seemed to be his best option.
One after the other they approached him, their faces incredibly sad and their voices soft. They mumbled a few words before hugging him.
Kim was the last one, "Adam...I don't know what to say..." she folded her arms across her chest, she hadn't hugged him in years, "I'm so sorry for your loss."
Her words stung and he just nodded his head, he had never cared much for that phrase but right now he hated it, he knew she meant well but it made his skin crawl.
"Let's go Adam." Trudy beckoned him towards Voight's office, she waited for him to go inside before turning her back to the office, "Nobody go anywhere, we have a lot to discuss."
Adam was like a caged animal, he refused to sit down.
"First off, you've got my deepest condolences. I can't even begin to know what you're dealing with right now." Hank told him, "I'm just going to tell you what I know."
Platt slipped her hand in Adam's and gave it a squeeze. Adam didn't speak he, he couldn't speak, the second he opened his mouth he knew he'd fall apart.
"Adam, there is no easy way to say this, I'm just going to say it." Hank looked at his hands, "Yesterday, Cassie accidentally shot herself."
"What?" Platt gasped. How was this possible? How the hell did she have access to a gun?
"We aren't clear on how she got ahold of the gun or who it belonged to." Hank watched as Adam processed what he had said, "What can I do?"
"Can I go now?" Adam muttered, "I need to go see my daughter."
Both Hank and Trudy watched in amazement as Adam stormed out of the office, he had this strange look on his face and his demeanor had shifted from grief stricken father to something they couldn't quite label.
It was as if he became detached, he was emotionless.
Kim sucked in a breath when Adam exited the office, his face was like stone. It made her blood run cold, "Adam..." she called out to him but he never acknowledged her, he just stomped down the stairs.
She chased after him, "Adam...wait!" She was a step or two behind him but caught up with him just outside the district she grabbed him by the arm, "Adam...I was calling your name..."
"I heard you." Adam snapped back, "I just..." He stammered as his voice cracked, "...I need to go"." He looked down at her hand on his arm, "I gotta go...just let me go...please?"
Kim released his arm, "Okay...I'm so sorry...Adam, I want to help. Tell me what I can do."
"Nothing. I don't need your pity." Adam replied, she was blocking his path, "Let me go...please.."
Kim realized she was in his way, she stepped aside, "Where are you going?"
"To see my daughter."
She stood and watched as he fled down the stairs, she stood rooted in place for a few moments before returning to her desk.
Kim returned to her desk just as Hank decided it was time to tell them what he had found out.
"I need a few minutes of your time." He explained, he waited a few minutes until he had everyone's attention, "Cassie's death was an accidentally shooting. It was self inflicted, she got a hold of a gun, at this point I don't know whose it was...it doesn't matter though. This was preventable."
"Fuck.." Kevin muttered under his breath, a level of anger that he never knew existed coursed through him.
"Are you serious?" Jay asked, "unfuckingbelievable..." he muttered under his breath as he hung his head, "you just let Ruzek walk out of here?" He was blown away, "do we think that's a good idea?"
Kim glared at him, "What is that supposed to mean?"
Jay held his hands up in defense of himself, "I don't know...,he's angry that's all. Should he be alone? All of this is so fucked up.." he sat down heavily, "I don't know...I don't know what to fucking say to him or what to do..."
"None of us know, man. None of us." Antonio chimed in, "We just need to be there for him."
Bob couldn't sit at home and he couldn't bring himself to go over to Adam's house, he had jumped his in car and started driving. As he pulled up to the building the lump in his chest grew exponentially and he was struggling to breathe, the building was as nondescript as it could get. It was a place he was familiar with, there were multiple buildings on property all of them belonging to the city of Chicago.
The one he was headed to was set further back from the others, almost hidden from view. It made sense, no one wanted to go there and most people avoided it like the plague.
Nothing good ever came from a visit here.
He parked in one of the spots near the front door, the bold black letters on the glass of the doors brought fresh tears to his eyes.
City Morgue.
At some point as he drove around the city it hit him where he needed to be. He needed to be wherever his precious granddaughter was, it's where Adam would be if he could and being that he still wasn't home yet, Bob took it upon himself to be there.
Hailey twisted the hospital bracelet on her wrist, she wanted no part of being here but she didn't have the strength to fight it. She had fainted and Donovan insisted on getting her checked out, she was currently hooked up to a fetal heart monitor and while things looked good she was being held for observation.
She had said very little since arriving, she kept her gaze trained on the window and the only sound coming from her was the occasional sob.
Donovan sat in the small recliner to the left of her bad, his hands clasped together as if he was praying. It had gotten ugly when the legal team from the DEA had shown up at the house and interviewed him. Hailey had become enraged with him, she began to punch the hell out of his chest before collapsing in tears in his arms. He held her as she cried, she called out Cassie's name over and over again before she fainted.
He had gone through every emotion possible in the hours since Cassie died, it had been eighteen hours of pure torture, hell on earth. The lawyers had assured him that he'd be okay, they didn't think he'd face any criminal charges but he would likely have to sit before the internal reviews team and that a suspension was a definite possibility. He laughed in their faces, it was eerie and he didn't even realize he was laughing. He didn't give a fuck what the DEA did to him, he hated himself.
He deserved whatever they tossed at him and then some.
Bob was a coward, he couldn't bring himself to go inside choosing instead to sit on the small bench near the entrance. He had a death grip on his cell phone, almost willing it to ring and when it finally did ring it startled him and he dropped it on the ground.
Adam caught sight of his father and he lost it, "Dad!" It was a garbled cry and Bob's head snapped up.
"Oh...Son..." Bob brought his fist to his mouth pressing it against his lips, "My boy...my boy..." in that moment Adam wasn't a grown man but a little boy. Bob had never felt such pain before in his life, losing Cassie was unbearable. Seeing his son absolutely devastated over the loss his child, was gut wrenching.
The world stood still in that moment, as father and son embraced. They're anguished cries mingled with the sounds of the city as it sprang to life.
Bob pulled back and reached out to touch Adam's face, "I'm so sorry, son."
Adam pulled back from his father's touch, "Have you gone inside yet?" He asked with a shaky voice, "Have you seem her?"
"I couldn't..." Bob admitted, "I couldn't do it."
"Okay." Adam bobbed his head up and down, "I need to. I need to see my little girl." He felt as if he was on auto pilot, it was all a bit surreal and he feared the worst was yet to come.
"I'll go with you." Bob didn't want to see her, he knew the level of damage a bullet could cause and he didn't want his last image of Cassie to be laying on a slab in the morgue. His granddaughter was a beautiful little girl, with kind eyes and a smile that cure whatever ailed you. There was no way in hell he'd allow his son to go through this nightmare alone, Adam needed him.
The corridors were long and depressing the building held a chili that brought goosebumps and made the hair and the back of your neck stand on end.
Adam fished his wallet out of his back pocket, he approached the receptionist's desk with his drivers license in hand, "I'm here..." he stumbled on his words, he went silent and stood with his mouth agape, time standing still.
The receptionist was a middle aged woman, her hair pulled into a tight bun atop her head her glasses sat on the tip of her nose, threatening for fall off.
"Good morning..." she was soft spoken almost whispering, "..what can I do for you?" She could spot the family of the deceased from a mile away and he was definitely kin to someone being held at there, "...take your time..."
Adam closed his eyes and bowed his head, he felt Bob's hand on his shoulder. He needed the knot in his chest to lessen just a bit so he could speak. He coughed in effort to clear his throat, "I'm...Adam Ruzek..." he was seriously struggling to not cry, "...I'm...my..."
"Oh..." it hit her who he was, "Say no more." She took his license from him and quickly filled the paperwork out for him, only handing it back for him to sign in, "have a seat, someone will be out shortly to take you in the back."
Adam stood up when the man approached them.
"Morning, I'm Marcus. Let's go somewhere private to talk." He motioned towards a vacant room with his hand.
"I'd like to see my daughter." Adam replied, he didn't want to talk he just wanted to see his baby girl. Why didn't anyone get that?
"I understand, let's just talk first okay?"
They followed him into the small room, it held a small sofa and two oversized chairs a table sat in the middle of the room.
Marcus motioned to the sofa, "First, I'm terribly sorry for your loss, I can't even begin to imagine what you're feeling right now."
Bob could see Adam getting worked up, "Thank you."
"I understand your desire to see your daughter, but I want to warn you that your daughter suffered a catastrophic head injury." He had been a coroner for twenty years and he had struggled with seeing Cassie, "...if you want to see her I will take you but I need you to be prepared."
"I need to see her." Adam stood up, "She is my little girl, I have to see her."
Bob knew he couldn't handle seeing Cassie, "Can I have a minute alone with my son?"
Marcus nodded, "Absolutely. I will be just down the hall." He slipped out of the room closing the door as he left.
"Adam, Son." Bob looked him in the eye, "I don't think seeing..." he couldn't bring himself to utter the words Cassie's body so he left the rest of his sentence unsaid, "...I don't think it's a good idea..."
Adam tried to push past him, Bob placed his hands against Adam's chest to try and stop him, "Please Adam..don't do this, don't have that be your last memory of Cassandra. I'm begging you son."
"Get your hands off me!" He pushed his hands away, "I'm going to see my daughter..." his voice cracked but he pushed on, "I need to see her."
Her voice startled him, "I did this..."
Donovan jumped up and was at her side, "No, Hailey. No. This is on me." He caressed her cheek, "I am so sorry..." his voice broke, "...I will never forgive myself, I'm so sorry I killed your daughter, my god I'm so sorry..." he began to cry. His cries turned to sobs, gut wrenching soul crushing sobs.
"No..." Hailey cried with him, "...oh my god...no...my baby...I want my baby back..."
Her cries had cut him to the quick and pulling him from his own personal hell, he climbed in the bed with her. Hailey was exhausted beyond words and her ragged breaths eventually leveled off, her breathing slowed off she drifted off to a fitful sleep.
Donovan groaned when he had heard the creak of the door and the doctor clear his throat, "I'm sorry.."
"It's ok." Donovan replied before turning his attention to Hailey.
"Hailey, honey. The doctor is here." Donovan whispered in her ear, he was still a bit groggy. He hadn't slept at all since this nightmare had started.
"Okay." Hailey mumbled and shifted in his arms. His tears had broken her heart, and hearing him speak of his guilt over Cassie's death was hard to listen to. Every aspect of this was hard, it was an awful accident.
"Everything looks good regarding the pregnancy, keeping you here overnight is unnecessary. I can't fathom how you're feeling right now, but I need to take care of yourself. I need you to eat. You need to sleep, I know you're dealing with a lot right now and your emotions are all over the map but that little one you're carrying needs you to take care of yourself."
Hailey nodded in acknowledgment, "Okay." Her responses were short and even one word responses took more energy than she had.
"I'm so sorry for your loss."
"Thank you." Donovan forced an uncomfortable smile.
"The nurses will be in shortly with your discharge papers, please try and get some rest. You need it. Both of you."
The room was freezing, Adam wrapped his arms tightly across his chest trying to ward off the cold. He had been here dozens of times but he never stood in this room before, he was in the family room. He was to wait in the family room until Marcus came for him, he then be taken into the morgue and he'd finally get to see his little girl.
Marcus poked his head in the room, "Are you sure?" He had prepared the body for viewing, he placed a sheet over the head, "You don't have to do this."
He most certainly did.
Adam hadn't seen his little girl in nearly two months, he would never forgive himself for it. He never should've taken that case on, perhaps if he hadn't she'd still be alive.
"I have to." Adam told him.
He followed Marcus inside, he'd been in this room a hundred times, seen enough dead bodies to last him a lifetime, but this was different.
It was his baby.
He felt his breath hitch in his throat as the approached the table where Cassie lay. She was covered from head to toe with a sheet, except for her hand. He felt a surge of tears rush to fill his eyes, he carefully took her small slender hand in his, it felt foreign.
It was cold and waxy, it was nothing like the soft warm hand he remembered, her nails were painted a light purple.
He brought it to his face, turning it over to lay her palm against his cheek, he closed his eyes letting the reality of it all wash over him. It hit him like a ton of bricks, he moved her hand to his lips and he held it there.
"I'm so sorry..." He began to talk to her, "I'm so sorry my lass. Daddy will love you forever, I will miss you forever. I never should've went on the job, I should've been here. I should've been here for you. You're my little girl..." he sobbed, "...I love you..." he placed another kiss on her hand before laying it down on the table. "I can't do this. I can't..." it was then he noticed the small tendril of hair peaking out from under the sheet, he reached out and held it between his thumb and index finger, it was still soft as silk. "Daddy loves you..." he left her hair fall from his grip, he backed away from her body unable to turn his back on her. "I have to get out of here.." he yanked the door open, "I'm so sorry..." he left and never looked back.
Bob made his way down the long corridor follow the directions the receptionist gave him, as he turned the corner he spotted Adam sitting on the floor with his back against the wall. He had his knees pulled up to his chest and he was crying.
Bob approached him, "Adam..."
"I couldn't do it...I couldn't do it..." Adam sobbed, "I couldn't dad..." he knew the damage bullets did to flesh and when Marcus brought him to stand at the side of Cassie's body he felt his knees buckle. He had touched her hand and it ripped his heart to shreds. "I held her hand...it was so cold...I touched her hair...it was soft..the way it is after her bath..." he confessed, "I ran out of the room. I ran from my daughter..."
The walls were closing in on him, the anvil on his chest was getting heavier by the second.
"It's okay..." Bob told him, "...it's better this way, you don't want that to be your last memory of her." Bob's heart had been put through the wringer, and as devastated as he was over losing Cassie, seeing Adam like this was more than he could bare.
"I left her...why..." Adam sobbed, "...why did I leave her? I want my kid, I need her." He wailed, he started to gasp for air, "I want..." each breath was a struggle "...my god..why..." he pulled away from Bob, he tried to run but Bob stopped him.
Bob took hold of Adam's face in his hands, "Adam. Son, look at me." He implored him, he tilted Adam's head up so he was looking him in the eye, "You did nothing wrong..."
Anger flashed across Adam's face, "I did everything wrong!" He jerked his head away, "Every Fucking thing I did was wrong! She didn't want me to go..." the anger from his voice dissipated and he was no longer, "...but I went and now she's dead!" He jumped up to his feet and began to pace.
Bob flinched at his words.
Adam continued on, "I wanted to stop those bastards, save someone else's kid...and in the process I let mine down. My kid is fucking dead..." He hunched over a bit, "...I couldn't save my daughter..." he fell back against the wall gasping for air, "...I didn't save my baby..."
Bob didn't know what to say, "Adam, I love you son." He placed his hands on Adam's back, "This wasn't your fault. It was an awful horrible accident." He ushered him towards the exit, "Let's go home."
"No...no..." Adam shook his head frantically, "I can't go home."
"I'll take you to my place." Bob kept his hand on Adam's back, "I will drive you."
"I've got a car here."
"Kevin or Jay will get it. It doesn't matter right now, come on son. Let's go home." He wasn't going to take no for answer, Adam didn't need to be alone right now and neither did he.
Adam sat in silence as Bob drove, about ten minutes into the drive Adam spoke, "Have you spoken to Hailey at all?" The silence had been unsettling and Adam couldn't take it any longer.
"No." Bob stole a quick glance at Adam.
"Why?"
"I don't know." Bob shrugged, "it never crossed my mind to be honest. Do you want to see her?"
Adam shifted in his seat, "No."
First off, I apologize for the delay in getting this posted. There's no excuse for it and I hope to post the next chapter in a more timely matter. There is at least one more chapter to come, possibly two. It all depends on how things come together, my goal is to have the next chapter posted within the next two weeks.
I appreciate those of you that are sticking with me, I don't deserve it. LOL.
Thanks for reading!