Chap. 11:

Carter is sitting in her office when the Gate alarm goes off. Running out into the Control room to the all to familiar words "unscheduled off world activation."

Looking from the Gate to Chuck, "who is it?"

"It's Colonel Sheppard's IDC, ma'am."

"Lower the shield." she tells him, as she runs down the stairs. As she reaches the bottom, she hears and sees John yelling, "shut it down! No one else is coming."

"Colonel, what happened? Did you find Dr. Weir?" Carter asks, as Major Jordan and his team leave on her nod.

"Sam, it didn't go well and it wasn't the real Elizabeth, to begin with." McKay answers, as he can tell that John is still trying to digest what just happened.

Looking directly at him, confusion written across her face, "what do you mean it wasn't the real Elizabeth?"

"She was a Replicator." John says, in barely a whisper.

Turning to face him, "I'm sorry, Colonel. What did you say?"

"Elizabeth, she was a Replicator. The real one is dead." Teyla says, as she can tell John is having difficulty speaking.

Realizing this as well, "okay, we'll debrief in an hour. Why don't you all go see Dr. Keller." and nodding at Teyla, she frowns as the Athosian nods back at her as she guides John down the ramp.

Watching the four of them walk out of sight, she heads back up to her office and on her way there she hits her radio.

"Lexi, come in please."

"Go ahead Sam."

"The Colonel and his team are back and we'll be debriefing in an hour. I'd like you to be there."

"Sure Sam. Did they bring Dr. Weir back?"

Sitting down, suddenly feeling very tired, "no and that's why I want you there."

"Oh boy. Okay, no problem. I'll be there."

xxxx

John knew the moment that they walked through the Gate that he was in shock. Losing Elizabeth for the third time was hitting him like a truck and having to face Carter the minute they got back to Atlantis, was only making the vise that had clamped down on his chest the minute he had found out that the real Elizabeth was dead, clamp down even more. The only way he had managed to shout out the order to raise the shield and not break down into tears as he said, "no one else is coming." was the adrenalin running through him.

Standing there in the Gate room, Carter asking her questions, he feels his mind basically shut down, which is why he could only whisper out, "she was a Replicator." After that everything blurs into a haze. Through which, he blearily realizes that he is being led to the infirmary by Teyla and once he is there, everything else fades out all together.

The next thing that permeates the haze is, "Colonel, can you hear me?"

Slowly looking around the room and realizing that he's sitting in the conference room, with everyone's eyes on him. Okay, when did that happen? and focusing on Carter, "yeah, I'm sorry. What were you saying?"

"I was asking what happened and how you came by this?" she says, pointing at the data core.

Taking a deep breath, "well, we got to the planet, ran into our Replicator doubles and Elizabeth, at least the woman we thought was Elizabeth. They gave us the core drive, the Replicators showed up, our doubles and Elizabeth flew the Jumper as a diversion and we came through the Gate." and looking around the table, "did I leave anything out?"

"Nope I'd say that pretty much covers it." McKay says.

Looking from John to his team and back, "okay, I think that'll do for now." Carter says and with a nod, everyone leaves the conference room, except for Lexi and Carter. Before John leaves the room he catches Lexi's eye and in that one second she knows that he'll be stopping by soon.

"Lexi, I want you to make some time to meet with each of Sheppard's team if they want to. I think this is affecting them more than they want to admit, especially John."

"Of course. If they want to talk, let them know I'm available whenever they want. I've gotta go, though."

Smiling, "okay, see you later."

Returning the smile, Lexi walks out of the conference room, heading for her office. Reaching it, she sits down on the couch and patiently waits for John to show up, which doesn't take long.

McKay had left the conference room and headed directly to his lab with the data core. On his way there he reaches up and activating his radio, "Radek, meet me in my lab."

xxxx

John left the debriefing and headed straight for his quarters. Reaching them, he strips out of his uniform, changing into a clean one. However, it isn't until he is sitting on his bed trying to tie his boots that he realizes that he is shaking like a leaf, get a grip John!

Finally managing to tie them he unsteadily stands up and heads out for Lexi's office. Reaching it, he swipes the doors open and manages a small smile as he sees her sitting on the couch, with her feet curled up under her, looking right at him. Crossing the space between them in five long strides, he stands there in front of her looking down at her.

Reaching out for his hand, she pulls him down onto the couch and into her arms. She doesn't say anything, she just holds him.

"She's gone. She's really gone." he mumbles, anger and sadness evident in every syllable and lifting his head, looking her in the eyes, "I can't believe it."

Feeling the tremors running through him and seeing the tears that are threatening to fall, "John, it's okay, let it out."

He stares at her, you don't do this! You are Lt. Colonel John Sheppard you don't do crying. and closing his eyes against the spinning room, but we just lost Elizabeth, again. There's no chance that she's going to come back and you failed her. You left her on the Replicator home world and you just let her sacrifice herself again.

"John?"

He opens his eyes to see her staring at him, concern written across her face, "I'm..."

She pulls him into her again and rubs his back trying to comfort him, "it's okay." she says again.

Burying his head in her shoulder he can't keep the emotions from spilling out.

"I'm here." she whispers in his ear, as she holds him and feeling the shudders of his body as he tries to catch his breath, "we're gonna get through this." she says, and holding him tighter she comforts him as best as she can.

Ten minutes later, as he draws away from her she can see that his mask has been put back on, the military side of him having reasserted itself.

Wiping the tears off his face and taking her hand in his, "thanks."

Smiling and squeezing his hand, "no problem. You know I'm willing to listen if you want to talk about it some more."

"Yeah, I know." and sighing and sticking his chin out towards the doors, "you wanna grab some dinner?"

Getting up and pulling him up to his feet, "sure." and before swiping them out of the office, she pulls his head down to her and kisses him.

"Ah, I needed that." he says with a smile, as they pull away from each other.

She swipes them out of her office and they walk side by side to the mess. Pretending to talk about things that won't draw too much attention to them, as they walk through the busy halls.

Reaching the mess, they get their food and find a table. Seeing the looks that everyone seems to be throwing John's way, they can tell that the news of what had happened, has already made the rounds. As they dig into their food, she can tell that he is trying his hardest to ignore everyone and realizing that he needs a distraction, she fills him in on everything that is going on around the base that he doesn't know about, which isn't much. Around 2315, he looks around and seeing that the mess has emptied out a little, he decides that he should go check in with McKay.

Getting up, they deposit their food trays in the bins and heading out of the mess, she goes left and he goes right. But not before he looks down at her with a smile, whispering, "my quarters or yours?"

Smiling back at him, "mine. I'll see you later."

Turning and heading off to McKay's lab, he smiles to himself, extremely looking forward to later.

xxxx

"Shall we take a break?" Radek asks, taking his glasses off and rubbing his eyes tiredly,

"You go ahead."

Turning to face McKay's back, "oh, Rodney, we've been working for five hours straight. We should take a break."

"Yeah, I will, when I'm finished."

"I know what you're trying to do."

"Yeah, what's that?"

"Lose yourself in your work to avoid thinking about Elizabeth." and watching McKay as he looks up from his computer, but doesn't turn around, "you must realize it's only a temporary distraction."

"That's one of the perks of the job. Something terrible happens, you don't have enough time to dwell on it cause you're too busy trying to stop the next terrible thing from happening. Seriously, if it wasn't for the Replicators and their plan to wipe out every human in the galaxy, I'd be in pretty bad shape right now."

Zelenka looks at him sympathetically.

"No, this is Carson all over again and I'm just not ready to deal. Not yet." he says refocusing on his work.

"You're not the only one who misses him, Rodney. I don't suppose you want to talk about it."

"Eventually, but not now."

With a sigh, "ok." and standing up, "oh, shall I get you anything?"

"No."

Zelenka turns and starts to leave, "Radek."

Zelenka stops and turning around, he sees McKay turning his head towards, him but still not meeting his eyes.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome, Rodney."

About half an hour later, McKay is still working on the core drive, frowning at his laptop, as John walks in, "how's it going?"

"S'all right."

"Why don't you call it a night?"

"No, I wanna finish this. What about you, isn't it past your bedtime?"

Not looking at him, but finding something on the desk very fascinating, "I'll approve the removal of her personal items tomorrow. Have everything shipped back to Earth."

McKay nods understandingly, his face showing the sadness he's feeling.

"I would have done it sooner. But I actually thought we were gonna bring her back."

"Yeah. Me too."

"Let me know when you get this thing working." he says, patting McKay's shoulder as he turns to leave the room.

"Will do."

Just then, the computer beeps.

"Oh! Wait!"

Data begins to scroll across his screen, as John comes back over to him.

"Huh! If this works, we should be able to track every Aurora-class Replicator ship in the galaxy in real-time."

He types something on his laptop and a map of the galaxy appears on the screen. The computer beeps six times, as six dots appear on the map in various places.

"That's not so bad. I guess the Wraith have really taken a toll."

The computer beeps eight more times and corresponding dots appear on the map.

"On the other hand, my duplicate did say they were building more."

There are fifteen more beeps and fifteen more dots appear on the screen. They stare at it in horror.

"A lot more!" and after some more beeps, "oh, crap!"

"Oh, crap is right. But let's let Carter know about it tomorrow morning."

"Okay. You heading off to bed?"

"Yeah, I'm more tired than I thought. See you in the morning."

"Night, John."

With a nod John leaves and heads to Lexi's quarters. Reaching the corridor that they are in he checks to make sure there is no one around and satisfied that he's alone, he swipes the controls to ring the bell. A few seconds later, the doors slide open to reveal her standing in front of him, wearing one of his t-shirts and a pair of pjay bottoms.

She pulls him into her quarters and as soon as the doors close behind them, they start to undress each other, all the while kissing each other and backing up to the bed. They fall down on it, pulling the blankets over them and make love.

A while later, lying in each others arms, Lexi rests her head on his shoulder and draping her right hand over his chest, she frowns to herself as a feeling that this might not be the end of the situation with Elizabeth, makes itself known in the pit of her stomach.

Pushing the thought aside, she sits up to turn off the light. Glancing down at him, she smiles at the sight of him out cold, "wow, could he be any more like a big kid?" she says under her breath, as she lies back down, readjusting the blankets over them. Rolling over on her right side, she startles a little as he turns over onto his side, wrapping his legs with hers and laying his right arm over her waist, pulling her closer to him. Smiling even wider to herself, she closes her eyes and a few seconds later, she falls asleep.

xxxx

The next thing Lexi is aware of is the alarm going off at 0630 and of John standing at her dresser already in his boxers, taking out a fresh pair of workout clothes. He had taken to keeping some of his clothes in her quarters, after the second week of their relationship.

Propping herself up on her elbows and eyeing him, not missing how slowly he's pulling on his t-shirt, as if he's still half asleep, "you going for your run with Ronon?"

"Yeah." he says, coming over to sit on the edge of the bed and pulling on his track pants, he leans over and kisses her good morning. Then bending down, he grabs his sneakers from under her bed and slips them on.

Standing up he heads into the bathroom, to brush his teeth and put on some deodorant and as he walks out of the bathroom, he doesn't miss the look on her face, "I'm fine, Lexi. Really."

Frowning, "John, I heard you last night. Did you have another nightmare?"

Shrugging, "it wasn't a bad one, but yeah."

"Which one?"

"Which one?" he says with a sad smirk, realizing that she already knows him well enough to know that there are many.

"John..."

"No, Lexi, it's really okay."

Getting out of bed, dragging the bed sheet with her and coming to stand in front of him, she leans in and kisses him, "okay." she says, as she pulls away, "have fun on your run."

Looking her up and down and pulling her close to him, "you know, if I wasn't already running late, you'd sure make a great excuse." and letting her go, "are you heading to the gym?"

Heading into the bathroom, "thanks and yeah. I have a sparring session with Evan." and at the look she catches him making in the mirror, she turns around to him, "John, we've been over this. I'm yours." she says, showing him the dog tag, "now get or Ronon'll come looking for you and that's just what we need."

"Okay, I'm going." and before he walks out the door, he looks over his shoulder, "I'm yours too, you know."

Standing in the doorway of the bathroom, she watches the doors close behind him and smiling to herself, she heads over to her dresser, taking out her workout clothes and changes into them. Before heading out for the gym, she remakes the bed and takes off the dog tag, placing it in her dresser draw. With one last look around her quarters to make sure everything is tidy, she heads out for the gym, arriving there by 0720, smiling at Lorne, who has beaten her there.

"You're late," he says, handing her a pair of sticks and smiling.

She takes them and as they settle into their fighting stances, she catches the fact that the smile doesn't reach his eyes and as she lunges for her first move, she calls him on it, "Evan, something's eating at you, what is it?"

Blocking her lunge, "it's nothing."

Advancing on him again, swinging one of the sticks at his shoulder, "come on Evan, you could never hide things from me."

Batting away her stick and swinging at her with one of his, he sees the exasperation on her face, "oh all right. It's just that I can't believe what happened yesterday. I really thought Sheppard was going to find Dr. Weir. He doin okay?"

Blocking his strike, swinging her other stick at him, she hits him on the left arm a little harder then she means to.

Flinching away from her and staring at her in surprise, "ow."

"Sorry and to answer your question, yeah, he's doing as well as can be expected."

Twenty minutes later, having finished fighting, they head for the mess for breakfast. They talk some more about Doctor Weir and as they get up to leave, "you know Evan, I wish certain people were as open as you are with your feelings."

Wrapping his arm around her shoulders as they head out of the mess for the transporter, "I know. But that's just how he is and you won't be able to change that part of him." and as they get in the transporter, "so, I'm off world for the next couple of days, but when I get back on Wednesday you want to grab dinner?"

Getting out of the transporter and turning to head in the direction of her quarters, "yeah. Radio me when you get back."

Smiling and heading in the direction of his quarters, "great, will do."

Calling after him, "Evan, be careful."

Shouting over his shoulder, "I'm always careful Lexi."

Smiling to herself, she finally reaches her quarters and an hour later, she's sitting in her office, in her first session of the day.

xxxx

Lexi had a run of unscheduled appointments and with everything that had occurred the previous day, she wasn't surprised. However, she is surprised when just as she is heading out of her office for a very late lunch, almost dinner, she opens her office doors to find Ronon standing there.

"Ronon, this is a first." and standing aside to let him in, "please come in." and watching as he walks in and takes a seat on the couch, she inwardly sighs, as she has a feeling that this is going to be interesting. She takes a seat in her chair facing him and they sit in silence for a couple of minutes.

Realizing that he's not going to talk first, "you're here to talk about Dr. Weir."

He grunts and she takes it as an affirmative.

"You know that you and the rest of your team did everything that you possibly could."

"I guess"

"But?"

"But, it doesn't feel like it."

"Look, I know that there is nothing I can say to make it seem right. But from what I've read in the mission reports from the Replicator home world, you did everything right."

Smiling a little at her and realizing that he feels better hearing her say all of this, "yeah, I know we did. Thanks. I guess I just needed to hear it again."

Smiling at him, "anytime. That's what I'm here for."

Getting up and heading out of the office, "thanks, again. I'll see you later."

Watching him leave, she knows that he is going to be okay, as he has actually spoken about the situation, or what can be considered talking about it for him. She had seen Teyla earlier in the day, as well as McKay and Zelenka. But John had not come to talk to her and she knew that even though he had opened up to her the previous night, he was probably still beating himself up about it. Pushing that thought aside, she heads for the mess, being that her stomach is growling its protest at being empty for so long.

Taking a seat in the mess hall and starting in on her food, she splits her attention between eating and making notes on her tablet, about certain things that she still needs to do to prepare for the following day.

"Hi Lexi. Mind if I join you?"

Looking up from her tablet, "sure, Jen," and noticing that her eyes are red, "is everything okay?"

"No, it's not," she says around bites of food, "I'm very angry with myself."

"Because of the nanites?"

"Yes. If I hadn't reactivated them then..." she represses a sob.

Placing a comforting hand on her arm, "if you hadn't reactivated them, then Dr. Weir would have died right then and there."

Tears running down her face, "but she still died."

"Yes and it's an absolute tragedy. But at the time, you did what was best for your patient. You couldn't have known what was going to happen."

"Elizabeth knew. She even said it was a bad idea, but we didn't listen. We just wanted her back, we needed her." she says, more tears rolling down her cheeks and not meeting Lexi's eyes.

"Jen, look at me," and she waits until Keller is in fact looking at her, "you, better than anyone know that we have to treat our patients with everything and anything we can. And if that means reactivating nanites, then so be it. She lived and in doing so, she was able to do something that will forever be remembered as bravery among amazing circumstances. She saved John, Ronon, Rodney and this expedition."

Considering this for a moment, as she tries to get her feelings in check, "yes, but we still lost her and there was nothing I could do about it."

Taking a deep breath to calm her nerves, as they're starting to fray a little too, "look, you did everything in your power for your patient, you saved her life. And if that doesn't help, then look at it this way. By enabling the nanites, we were able to get our hands on a ZPM and now the Replicators are fighting the wraith. I think that Dr. Weir would agree that it was a good trade off. She saved her people. We all know that there is a risk of danger that comes with this job and I have a feeling that she understood that better than any of us would have guessed."

Drying the tears that had started to fall again and smiling weakly, "thanks, Lexi, you're right. It's still hard to lose people though."

With a gentle squeeze to her arm, "Jen, the day we forget that it's hard to lose people, is the day that the bad guys have won." and with a reassuring smile, "you gonna be okay?"

"Yeah, I will be."

"Good." she says, and with a look at her watch, "hey, look, I've gotta go." and standing up and grabbing her tablet and tray, "but if you still need to talk, stop by tomorrow and we'll chat some more."

"Have a good night, Lexi and thanks again."

Heading for the door and dropping her tray in the bin, "no problem and you do the same."

xxxx

She reaches Carter's office by 2130 and knocking on the door, "hey Sam, sorry I'm late. It's been a crazy day." she says, as she sits down in one of the chairs facing Carter's desk.

Looking at her and noticing how tired she looks, "that's okay, I can imagine. How're you doin?"

Sighing, "I'm good. How bout you?"

"I'm okay, I guess. Colonel Sheppard put the request in today to have Dr. Weir's belongings officially sent back home."

"Yeah, but something else is bothering you."

"I don't know."

Leaning forward in her chair, her chin resting on her hands, "Sam, come on, what is it?"

Pushing back from her desk and running her fingers through her hair, "I guess I feel a little guilty."

"Why?"

"Well, if Elizabeth hadn't been lost, I wouldn't have gotten this post and well..."

"You have nothing to feel guilty about. You earned this post. It's a shame that Elizabeth had to die. But if anyone was going to come in and help this expedition, not only in fighting all the bad guys, but in dealing with everything else, then it's a good thing that it was you."

Grimacing, "but still, Lexi, we lost a good person and leader."

"Yes we did. But if we don't continue the fight, then she'll have died in vain. And I don't know about you, but I don't think she would have been too happy that everyone is sulking around feeling sorry for her. She'd want everyone to be fighting as hard as they can."

Looking at her, she smiles, "you're right, and I know you're right, but it's still hard."

"Sam, it's gonna be hard for everyone for a little while. But, we'll all get through it."

Leaning forward and entering "aunt" mode, "well, if that's the case, then I guess you'll need to be in top form. So let's cut this meeting off right now. Go get some sleep."

Standing up and heading for the door, "you too. If the rumors I've been hearing around base are true and the Replicators are indeed attacking the human populations of this galaxy, everyone is gonna have to be on alert even more."

"Thanks, Lexi, I will. Love you."

"Love you too." she says, as she leaves Carter's office and heads to her quarters.

xxxx

Walking to her quarters, carrying her tablet in her hands reading some notes that she had made earlier in the day, her mind starts to wander and giving up on reading the notes she simply walks the rest of the way, running over the conversations she had had that day, in her head.

Reaching her quarters and opening the door, she isn't surprised to see John passed out, fully clothed on her bed. But seeing him lying there holding Mr. Puddles, she smiles to herself thinking, yep, just a big kid.

Walking over to her desk, placing the tablet down on it she doesn't take her eyes off him. Shaking her head, as she still can't seem to believe that he's holding Mr. Puddles, she walks into the bathroom to get ready for bed. Shutting off the bathroom light and feeling her way over to the right side of the bed, she switches on the bedside lamp to low and climbing onto the bed, she goes to work on taking off his boots. Placing them under the bed, turning off the lamp and getting under the blankets, she snuggles up to him. He lets out a soft grunt, as she places her arm over his stomach and not being able to help herself, she kisses him.

Cracking open an eye, "hey, I was sleeping."

"I know, but I couldn't resist and I thought you might want to get under the blankets with me."

Tossing Mr. Puddles onto the bedside table, recognizing the offer for what it is, he gets under the blankets and pulling her into him, "you're better than the stuffed animal." he says drifting back to sleep.

She snuggles into him, "I thought I might be." and with smile on her lips she too falls asleep.

xxxx

The rest of the week passes by in a blur. John and his team, as well as the rest of the Gate teams going through the Gate trying to relocate the inhabitants of the worlds that are being targeted by the Replicators. Lexi, for her part is crazy busy with trying to deal with the fall out from what had happened to Doctor Weir.

And then out of no where on Sunday morning, as she is brushing her teeth she looks up into the mirror to see him standing in the door to the bathroom, in his BDU pants and boots, sans t-shirt, with a confused look on his face.

"John, what's the matter?"

He walks up behind her, wrapping his arms around her and resting his chin on her shoulder, "I was just trying to figure out how I didn't know you existed until you showed up here."

"Well, I wasn't at the SGC when you came back." she says, bending over to spit. She washes out her mouth with some water and turns around, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Huh?"

"Oh come on. Don't tell me you don't remember the six weeks you were stationed back to the SGC." and at the look he is giving her, "you know when the Ancients took back Atlantis."

Thinking about it for a second, "oh, yeah. When we came back to save Woolsey and O'Neill. Yeah, I remember. Where were you?"

"I was at the Air Force Academy hospital for those six weeks. Carson and Dr. Lam had me working on a project for them." she says, and she sees the pain flash through his eyes.

"You knew Carson?" he asks, looking away from her.

"Yeah. He was a great guy." she says, gently turning his face to her, "he warned me about you."

Eyebrows shooting up, "he spoke of me with you?"

"Yeah, I told you that I had heard a lot about you." she says, resting her head on his chest.

"Lexi?"

"Hmm?" she says lifting her head and looking him in the eyes.

"Why did he warn you about me?"

Taking him by the hand and guiding him over to the couch, sitting down on it, "well, I think he had a feeling that I might at some point be faced with having to treat you. And knowing you as he did, I think he wanted me to be prepared for what that would entail."

"Yeah, I could see him doing that. I wonder what he would say if he knew we were together." he says getting up and throwing his t-shirt on.

She gets up as well and taking a couple of steps, she draws him into her "I think he would've been really happy for us."

"Yeah, I think so too." he says, twisting his fingers in the dog tag that she has around her neck, "so what you got on tap for today?"

"Well, I've got some appointments and then I have some research to do. Oh and the rest of my things are coming today." she says smiling wide.

"Oh, yeah, The Apollo and Daedalus arrive this morning."

"Yeah, my clubs, some other odds and ends and a couple of DVDs that Cam said he was sending me."

"Wait, what?"

"My clubs, John. You know, golf clubs. Sam told me about the driving range you've got here."

"Right, you golf. Okay, Thursday, you and me at the range."

"Yes Sir." she mock salutes and with a kiss, and a "see you later" they each leave her quarters, one at a time, making sure that no one sees them. Both heading for the mess and after that, Lexi heads to her office and John heads to the locker room to gear up.