Chapter Eleven
Calleigh's eyes widened in surprise. Caught off guard, a kiss had been the last thing she expected. Surprised though she was, however, she didn't pull away. The rush of physical feeling that erupted within her blinded her; it froze her, and she found herself unable to move at all, save for the pounding of her heart.
She had never really been one to second-guess her instincts. But the physical aspect of this long-forgotten feeling was rendering her ears deaf to instinct. Instead of running, she stayed.
It went against everything she'd known up to that point.
Breaking the kiss, Eric pulled back only slightly, resting his forehead against hers. Calleigh stared at him, surprised to find her hand on his cheek. Unconsciously she licked her lips, breathing heavily. Tilting her head downward, she closed her eyes, trying to figure out what was going on here. Too many different conflicting thoughts; conflicting emotions were running through her; she couldn't decipher any of them.
The only thing she was sure of was what she wanted in that moment.
Calleigh looked up at him, realizing her hand still rested on his cheek. "Eric…" she whispered, barely getting his name into the air before her lips were back on his, kissing him deeply. She felt his arms encircle her body and pull her closer, and she couldn't stop the tiny moan that sounded from her throat.
It was as though in one moment, every feeling that had been numb for months was being reawakened. It was too much, too fast; everything was meshing together and all Calleigh could discern was how long it had been; how good it felt. Beyond that feeling, she was lost.
Her hand slipped to the back of his neck, threading through his short hair as his lips slid against hers. She shivered, pushing herself closer to him, needing more of him. It'd been so long since she'd felt these feelings, since she'd felt this rush of need, of want.
So lost was she in the physical sensations that her mind failed to register that this was wrong. That this wasn't Tim.
Her heart realized it, though. Her heart picked up on every little nuance that was lost to her mind, to her body. The way Eric's lips felt different against her own than Tim's. How Eric's hands rested a little higher on her waist than Tim's did. How different Eric's hair felt between her fingers. How Tim's kisses made butterflies flutter about in her stomach; made her dizzy.
And Eric's did not. Not in the same way, at least.
The sound of an obviously fake cough permeated the silence, and, startled, Calleigh took a step back, breaking all contact with Eric. She glanced toward the door, a deep blush tinting her cheeks as she noticed Alexx standing in the doorway. Unable to keep eye contact with Alexx, Calleigh quickly looked away, finding herself also unable to bear looking at Eric. So she did the only thing that made sense at the time.
She ran.
"I think…I think I'm going to head back inside," she murmured hastily, wrapping her arms around herself and making her way to the door, without looking at either Eric or Alexx. She would admit; earlier she'd been caught up in the moment. But now the moment was over, and she just wanted as much space between them as possible. It'd be safer that way.
Watching Calleigh very nearly sprint her way back inside the house, Alexx gave a concerned sigh. She couldn't help but worry. While Calleigh really hadn't been herself since Tim had died, she had been getting better. But now, to Alexx, Calleigh just really didn't seem like she was doing too well.
Pushing that from her mind, she purposefully approached Eric on the deck, a bit of a warning in her eyes. Alexx was protective; she'd already seen Calleigh broken once; she couldn't bear to see that again. "What are you doing, Eric?" she asked, her voice low.
Eric blinked in surprise, shrinking back slightly. He'd seen Alexx serious before; he'd seen her warn people, but it'd never been him. He'd never really had Alexx upset with him before. "Alexx…?"
Alexx sighed, looking out into the night. "I'm gonna be blunt with you, okay? Don't do this to Calleigh, Eric," she said quietly. Reading Eric's silence as confusion, she continued. "I'm not gonna sit back and watch Calleigh open up to someone, just to end up falling apart again. I'm tired of watching her pretend to be strong when all she wants to do is collapse under the pressure." She gave Eric a long look. "I don't want to see her hurt again. It killed me to watch her those few months after Tim died."
Eric tilted his head, confused. "What does Speed have to do with Calleigh?"
Alexx's eyes widened, though quickly she hid her shock. She knew Calleigh didn't like to talk about this, but Alexx was stunned that she hadn't told Eric about her and Tim. She caught herself quickly, however. "Tim and Calleigh were very close; they were friends, and they'd worked together for years before you ever came to CSI. They were once so close, Eric, and though she kept up a strong outer shell, losing such a close friend like that nearly killed her."
Eric let that set in, fairly certain there was more to it, but he didn't question Alexx, to her relief. It was Calleigh's place to tell him, not hers.
Exhaling deeply, Eric leaned over the railing, staring at the ground below. "I don't want to see her hurt either, Alexx," he said quietly, after a moment. "That's the last thing I want." He shuffled his feet slightly, a sad smile flitting across his face. "I think…I think I'm in love with her, Alexx. I think I have been for years."
Alexx nodded slowly. "I thought so."
Eric chuckled slightly. "Not you too. I just argued with Marisol about that earlier tonight."
Alexx laughed, gently patting Eric's back. "Oh honey. You'd be surprised how much I know about you." Again she sighed, subtly turning the conversation back in a serious direction again. "Eric…" she hesitated.
"Alexx?" Eric watched her closely. Alexx didn't hesitate; she said what she needed to say. For her to hesitate like this, it had to be something big. Or something she was uncomfortable saying. Either way, she had Eric's attention.
"Eric," she began again, looking at him seriously. "I don't want to see Calleigh hurt again. I don't." She paused, letting out a deep breath. "But Eric…I don't want to see you hurt either."
She didn't elaborate, leaving Eric slightly confused. But he simply nodded, turning his back to the rail. "I'll be fine," he said simply.
Alexx wasn't so sure about that, but she kept quiet. After all, there was always a chance that things would turn out okay. Maybe there was a deeper bond than friendship there; maybe it was strong enough to withstand the coming storm. Silently she hoped it would be; after all, she did want to see both Eric and Calleigh happy.
After a few more moments, the two of them headed back inside; Eric's eyes immediately scanning the room for Calleigh. He sighed as he found her. His eyes met hers briefly before she snapped her head down, staring at the floor. Eric ran a hand through his hair, hoping she'd talk to him later. For now, he'd leave her alone.
It wasn't much later when Calleigh found Alexx, feeling anxious to get home. "Thanks so much for tonight," she said with a smile, albeit forced. "I'm ready to get home to my little girl, but I really did need to get out tonight."
Alexx couldn't help but hear the sadness in her voice. "What's the matter, honey?"
"It's nothing, really," Calleigh insisted, shaking her head.
Alexx looked at her, knowing her better than that. "Come here," she said, gently leading Calleigh to sit down. "Now what is it?"
"It's just…" Calleigh sighed. "I love Sammie; God I love her with everything I am. But I -" she shook her head. "This sounds awful even in my head." Alexx gently touched her arm, urging her to continue. "It's just, she's crying all the time lately, and it's just starting to get to me. I can't make her stop. But if Eric or his sister or anybody else picks her up, she stops crying almost immediately." She shuddered slightly, closing her eyes. "It's bad enough that I can't keep my own baby happy. But every time I look at her, I see Tim."
'Oh, honey," Alexx said sympathetically.
"She has his eyes. It's crazy just how identical her eyes are to his." She shrugged. "Sometimes it's too much, and I don't know what to do. Especially when she starts crying and I can't do anything to calm her down."
"She's just going through that crying stage, Calleigh. She'll get through it, and it'll get better. I promise."
"Are you sure? Because I hate feeling so helpless like that."
"Calleigh, have I told you anything wrong yet?"
Calleigh looked away. "You're right," she sighed. "I'm sorry. I just…sometimes I feel like I just can't do this."
Alexx watched her carefully, knowing her earlier concerns weren't based on nothing. "Calleigh, are you sleeping okay?" she asked gently, expecting the confused look she received in concern.
"How did we get to that?"
"Just humor me, Calleigh. Are you sleeping at night? And don't lie, 'cause I'll know if you are."
A tiny smile teased the corner of her lips before she answered, not meeting Alexx's eyes. "You know I haven't slept very well since…it happened," she said quietly.
"Calleigh, hon, right now I'm just concerned about how you've been since you had Samantha," Alexx said quietly though pointedly. "I think you may have a bit of post-partum depression," she added cautiously.
Calleigh lifted her head, staring at Alexx incredulously. "Alexx, I'm not depressed."
"You wouldn't tell me if you were."
"Alexx, I'm not depressed," she repeated, a little more forcefully. "I may be tired, overwhelmed, and lonely, but I'm not depressed, not medically."
Alexx watched her intently, and, uncomfortable, Calleigh glanced away, only to see Eric making his way over to them. Her mind flashed back to the kiss they'd shared on the deck earlier. Closing her eyes in mortification, she rested her head in her hands, feeling nothing less than deserving of the crushing guilt.
She'd kissed Eric.
She'd wanted it.
She'd betrayed Tim.
The thought made her stomach churn violently, and she tensed visibly, feeling absolutely horrible.
She'd kissed Eric. She'd kissed him, and her mind would not stop replaying it. And each time it flashed through her mind, the fact that was made crystal clear to her was not the fact that she had kissed him, but that she'd wanted it. She had wanted it, and it was enough to make her physically ill.
Eric crouched down, laying a hand on Calleigh's shoulder. "Cal? Are you alright?"
"I think she's just tired," Alexx answered for her. "I think a little sleep is all she needs."
Calleigh shot a grateful look at Alexx before she turned to Eric. "Hey."
"You look ready to get home," Eric commented. "Want me to take you?"
Calleigh smiled, feeling guilty just for that action. She was so confused. Just moments before, she'd felt indescribably horrible about kissing him, but now, with him so close to her, she wanted to do it again. Calleigh couldn't figure out how he did that to her. Eric was her best friend; she was not supposed to be feeling this way toward him.
Still, she nodded and accepted his outstretched hand, pulling herself up from the couch.
Alexx smiled. "Okay, well, I guess I'll see both of you at work on Monday." She and Calleigh stood, and Alexx embraced her. "Just give everything some time, and it'll get easier," Alexx whispered in her ear.
Calleigh nodded. "Thanks Alexx." She took her purse and began to head toward the door.
Eric started to follow her, but Alexx caught his arm, giving him a serious look.
"Take care of her, Eric."
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"You okay?" Eric glanced over at Calleigh, worried when she didn't answer. His concern was growing for her; she'd been quiet around him ever since they'd been alone on the deck. Ever since he'd kissed her.
He was wondering if he'd made a mistake.
But Calleigh had responded to him. She'd kissed him back, just as fervently; just as desperately as he'd kissed her. Silently he cursed the night; under the cover of darkness, Eric couldn't get a good enough look at her face to decipher what she was feeling and thinking. Not that he'd be able to read her anyway since, inevitably, this was a time she didn't want him to read her.
Eric was confused. Confused, and more than a little hurt. Inwardly, he gave a bitter chuckle. He was putting so much in to trying to read Calleigh that he couldn't figure out what he himself was feeling. Ever so gently he reached out to her, touching her arm. "Calleigh?"
"I'm fine," she said distractedly, still gazing out the window into the dark night.
"You sure? 'Cause you're awfully quiet."
"Eric, I'm just tired!" she snapped, immediately regretting it. She closed her eyes, lowering her head. "I'm sorry," she whispered. It wasn't his fault she was frustrated.
He shrugged nonchalantly. "It's okay."
Calleigh shook her head. "No, no it's not, Eric." She rubbed her eyes, feeling suddenly overwhelmed. "I shouldn't have snapped. You've been nothing but amazing, and you deserve more than that. I'm sorry. I guess I'm just tired and I've got a lot on my mind."
Eric smiled warmly. "Want to talk about it?" he asked softly, though already knowing the answer.
"No. It's nothing you need to worry about." She leaned her head against the window, closing her eyes.
"But I do worry," Eric murmured to himself. "More than you know." He reached over, gently clasping her hand in his.
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He took her hand, his eyes showing nothing but deep understanding; love. With his other hand he rubbed her back reassuringly, silently urging her to talk to him. "Why were you afraid?" he asked softly. It was so hard for him to stay calm and listen to her right now, when all he wanted to do was jump up and cheer; he was that excited.
Calleigh shrugged, avoiding his eyes. "I don't know," she muttered.
"Come on, honey. Talk to me."
Calleigh sighed, looking at him for the first time. "It was overwhelming at first, I guess. For that first hour I felt powerless. I just felt like everything had been ripped out of my control. I was already scared, but then the thought of telling you scared me even more."
Tim didn't interrupt; he simply squeezed her hand in reassurance.
Calleigh continued. "It was just so soon, you know?" She hesitated, fighting with the words in her mind. "You and me; we'd just gotten to the point where we both voiced the fact that we wanted more than just the great sex." A tiny smile broke out on her face. "Where we actually wanted to be with each other." She sighed, resting a hand over her tummy. "I knew this wasn't something you particularly wanted."
He stared at her. "Calleigh, baby, if only you knew how much self-control it's taking for me not to run out of here and scream to everybody that we're having a baby," he said, a rare smile finally breaking out across his face. He lay his hand atop hers on her abdomen, squeezing gently.
Calleigh laughed softly, shaking her head. This man; his complete understanding, his devotion, his love never ceased to amaze her. There was no way she deserved him. "I know that now, but I was still scared how you'd react when I told you. I was scared enough myself," she said with a nervous chuckle. Her voice dropped drastically, and she closed her eyes, mumbling softly.
Tim moved closer to her, tilting her chin up with his fingers. He gazed deeply into her green eyes, feeling his heart clench at the burst of pain he saw in her eyes. Did she not want this? Did she not want a child with him? "Cal?"
"I've - I've been through this before," she muttered, closing her eyes again, taking advantage of the only way she could avoid his. She pulled her hand away from his, crossing her arms across her chest.
Tim tilted his head. "Calleigh? Baby, what are you talking about?" he asked, confused.
Calleigh bit her lip, shifting anxiously. One look into his eyes was all that kept her from bolting to the door again. One look into his eyes was all that kept her from closing herself down. One look into his eyes; seeing everything she'd ever felt for him reflected in his eyes; it was enough to ground her, make her feel safe. It was enough to put her doubts to rest, yet again. She let out a breath, finally locking her eyes with his deep brown ones, willingly. "I was twenty-two," she began shakily, her eyes not wavering away from his. "I'd been seeing the same guy for a couple years, and it was, well, fairly serious, I guess." She shrugged. "Long story short, I found out I was pregnant. I was twenty-two, scared, just a couple months away from graduation. I was torn, Tim; I didn't know what to do."
"What happened?" he asked softly, reaching out again, lacing her fingers with his.
She shook her head. "I didn't tell him," she admitted quietly. "I didn't know how, and I figured it'd just be easier to hold off on telling him until I decided what I wanted to do."
Tim's breath caught in his throat. "What did you do?" He gazed into her watery eyes, watching her try and hold it together, and his heart broke for her. "Calleigh…"
"I was so close to graduation, Tim," she repeated, her voice cracking. "I didn't even like kids, let alone know how to take care of one." She finally broke eye contact, looking down as a sniffle escaped her. "It's selfish, and I hate that I felt like that, but I also didn't want to spend the rest of my life connected to him because I knew he wasn't the one."
"Did you…" he couldn't finish the sentence. He cupped her face with his hand, wiping away a stray tear with his thumb. Calleigh sighed, leaning into his touch, feeling so undeserving of it. Of him.
"Two days after," she continued, "two days after I decided to keep the baby, I lost him."
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Calleigh pulled her hand away from Eric's, nervously running it through her hair. "I just want to get home to Sammie," she muttered.
The rest of the ride was quiet, awkward even. The speed in which Calleigh jumped out of the car and made it to her door was remarkable, and Eric followed slowly, hoping he hadn't just succeeded in pushing her farther away. He stepped inside, just in time to hear the tail-end of Calleigh and Marisol's conversation.
"Calleigh, she was a perfect angel," Marisol said with a wide smile. "Absolutely perfect. She did have one crying spell, but I gave her a bottle and rocked her a little, and she went right back to sleep."
Calleigh smiled. "I'm glad you didn't have any trouble with her."
"Trouble? She wasn't trouble at all! If only all babies were as well-behaved as Sammie."
"Well, thanks so much again for watching her tonight," Calleigh said.
"Oh, would you stop that?" Marisol mock-scolded. "I enjoyed it, really. Feel free to give me a call anytime you need to get out or something, and I'll watch her." She looked at the clock on the wall. "Well, it's getting late, so I'd better be going. Night, Calleigh. Eric."
Calleigh smiled. "Night, Marisol." She led her out the door, closing it behind. With a sigh, Calleigh didn't say anything to Eric, instead moving straight down the hall to Sammie's room. She stood over the crib, gently stroking the baby's hair.
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"Two days after," she continued, "two days after I decided to keep the baby, I lost him."
Tim was stunned. "Oh, Cal," he murmured.
Calleigh shied away from his touch, isolating herself on the far end of the bench. "It was what I deserved," she said flatly. "I always believed it was some cruel punishment for ever considering ending the pregnancy to begin with."
"Calleigh, that wasn't your fault."
"You don't know that, Tim!" she snapped, feeling horrible as soon as she'd done it. Lowering her head, she brought a hand up to her face, tiredly rubbing her eyes. "I'm sorry, Tim," she whispered.
"It's okay, Calleigh," he said, moving closer to her on the bench. He wished she'd stop trying to get away from him. It wasn't going to work; he was always going to follow her. "It's okay."
She looked up at him, and the pain he saw in her eyes was unbearable. "It's not okay, Tim. What if…" she trailed off, lacking the strength or the energy to voice her deepest fear. With a barely suppressed shudder, she tried a different approach.
"I lost the baby, and I didn't tell him. He didn't even know I was pregnant." She paused, lifting a hand to dry her eyes. "He didn't even know, but it didn't stop things from changing. After that, we didn't talk as much. We didn't spend as much time together; he started spending his free time with his friends, and I spent as much time as I could away from our apartment. We fell apart, Tim. I lost my baby, and I lost the first person I really trusted." She squeezed her eyes tightly, unable to stop the tears that trickled through. "I guess I'm afraid that's what's going to happen this time." She clasped her hands protectively over her stomach, her eyes cast downward. "I'm afraid I'm going to lose this baby. I'm afraid I'm going to lose you."
"Calleigh, that was a long time ago. It's the past, okay?" he said, his own voice cracking as he embraced her tightly, feeling her bury her face against his chest. "You aren't going to lose this baby, Calleigh." He kissed the top of her head, his heart breaking as her body shook lightly in his arms. "And I love you. I promise you; you won't lose me. No matter what, baby. No matter what."
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Eventually she felt Eric step up beside her, watching her. "It's late," she murmured, discreetly lifting a hand to dry her eyes. "You should probably go."
He shrugged. "I don't have anywhere else I need to be."
She felt his closeness, and she couldn't suppress a shiver. Once again her mind drifted back to the kiss, and just how good it had felt to be held like that again. How good it felt to feel like she was the only other person in the world. How good it felt to have him there right now.
Suddenly, his lips were against her temple, and Calleigh bit her lower lip, her heart rate speeding up again. Her eyes closed, and the familiar sensations washed over her again. Lust. Want. Need. Possibly something deeper just below the surface.
With a deep breath, she turned slowly, facing him. Her eyes met his, and it was almost too much. No matter how good it felt, Eric wasn't supposed to make her feel like this. He wasn't.
And yet, that was exactly what he was doing.
He reached out, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear, his fingertips barely skimming over her skin. He let his hand linger as he dropped a soft kiss upon her lips.
Calleigh shivered, feeling her spine tingling. Abruptly she stepped back, away from Eric, a burst of confusion slapping her in the face, quickly followed by guilt. She was torn.
She couldn't deny it. Physically, she wanted Eric. She wanted him so much. But the guilt she felt because of that one feeling was overwhelming. Eric was her best friend; Eric was Tim's best friend. It all came back to she wasn't supposed to be feeling this way toward him.
She should tell him to leave.
Eric tilted his head, reaching out and trailing a finger down her bare arm, feeling the goosebumps that rose in its wake. Calleigh felt another shiver race down her spine, encompassing her entire body.
She really, really should tell him to leave.
But the sensations he was causing within her; Calleigh couldn't deny that she missed feeling like that. She needed this. She needed Eric, even though she'd never admit it aloud. "Eric…" she murmured, her eyes closed. Her mind screamed that this was wrong; that this was Eric, not Tim. Eric wasn't supposed to make her feel like this. But the feel of his hands on her skin; the feel of his lips on hers was quickly silencing the protests within her mind.
It was taking too much out of her to fight. She couldn't deny that she was lonely. The possibility flitted around in her mind; maybe she needed this. Maybe she needed to feel like this again.
She exhaled deeply, closing her eyes, giving in.
"Calleigh," he murmured in return, feeling her surrender. He brought his lips back to hers, feeling encouraged when she didn't stop him. He kissed her slowly, his lips sliding over hers tantalizingly, leaving them both breathless. He broke away for only a second, immediately reconnecting their lips when Calleigh whimpered in protest, reaching out for him.
She silenced the warning bells going off inside her head, wanting this. Needing this. It'd been so long since she'd felt like this that it was a flood of sensation, completely snowballing every inch of her. Even through a layer of clothing, her skin was left burning in the wake of his hands, sliding just lightly over her, finally coming to rest at her hips. Calleigh's own hands found their way to the back of his neck, pulling him closer to her, further deepening the kiss. She tugged at him gently, pulling him into the hallway, presumably leading him in the direction of her bedroom.
Needing both air and to know that Calleigh was sure about this, Eric broke the kiss, breathing heavily, staring into her deep green eyes. He saw the lust there, the need, though both were clouded by something else; something Eric couldn't quite decipher at the moment. He touched her cheek, watching her eyes flutter closed, feeling her shiver. "Calleigh," he murmured, his unspoken question asked through his eyes.
"Eric, please," she whispered breathlessly. She couldn't fight this; this need for him was overtaking her completely. She tugged at his shirt, pulling at the buttons on it. Eric reached down, taking her hands in his, and Calleigh whimpered, not wanting to be stopped. "Eric…"
Eric lifted both of her hands to his lips, gently kissing the palm of each. "Cal…" Looking directly into her eyes, Eric let her resume leading him, pulling him into the bedroom before he had to kiss her again. He pulled her close, his hands sliding under her top, running over her back as he kissed her deeply. Calleigh moaned softly, already frantic with need. She made quick work of his shirt, pulling him onto the bed once that was off. It wasn't long before the rest of their clothing was discarded, leaving only them, skin against skin.
Gazing into her eyes, he made love to her slowly, leaving her entire body tingling. He'd wanted this for so long; wanted her for so long, and now that he was in this moment with her, he was determined to make it last. Afterward, he simply held her, trying to stay awake long enough to watch her fall asleep in his arms. But soon his own drowsiness became too much, and pressing one last kiss to her hair, Eric lay back, letting himself fall into a peaceful sleep.
Her eyes snapped open as soon as Eric's breathing evened out. Turning away from him, she raised a shaky hand to her mouth, trying to hold back the tearful sobs that threatened to spill forth. "Oh my God," she whispered, almost physically ill.
She tried thinking of anything that might rationalize this. It'd been almost a year; surely it was time for her to move on. Tim wasn't the kind of person who'd want her to linger on his death forever.
She knew she'd wanted Eric. She knew she still wanted him. But the emotional fallout was far too much.
She wasn't ready for this. It didn't matter how much she wanted it; she still wasn't ready.
Squeezing her eyes shut, she whispered a quiet apology into the night; possibly to Tim, possibly to Eric. She wasn't sure. She wasn't sure of anything, save for one fact.
Sleep would not come easily tonight; if at all.