Disclaimer: I don't own.
Author's Note: Thanks for the patience! I'm going to try hard to be better at updating...work is in a really bad state right now, but hey. Writing is good for relieving stress. And thank you even MORE for the reviews! I love them! Hope you're enjoying the story...keep reading!
Warning: Language. You know Hyde.
The coffee he'd gotten in the hotel lobby was tepid, and as he sat at the table in their room, Hyde pushed it away, shaking his head and glaring at it as if it had caused all his problems. Bad coffee was worse than none at all. It was just too bad that in his mood this morning, coffee was about the only thing that could possibly help. His eyes closed and he winced. Damned headache. Damned Jackie. Damned life.
The bathroom door opened, but he didn't turn to look, though his eyes opened. Why bother? She'd hardly spoken to him in the hour that they'd been awake. He stared out at New York, or the tiny, rather dirty slice of it he was currently privy to.
"I'm going to Central Park, and then Willow wants us all to go to the Empire State Building. Do you want to go?"
He shrugged. Didn't feel like talking. Didn't really feel like going to Central Park or the freaking Empire State Building, but he knew he would.
"Steven."
Her hand touched his shoulder, and he stiffened. Her damned touch. So freaking warm when all he wanted to do was stay cold. Cold was better. Cold didn't burn. "What, Jackie?" He heard soft footsteps away from him, heard the oily squeak of bedsprings, and half hating himself, he turned to look at her. She sat, her eyes focused on him, her normally lively face muted with something. Regret, pain, sadness, a mixture; he wasn't quite sure. "What, Jackie?" he repeated, qentler this time.
She sighed and pressed her lips together. Her legs, unfortunately covered in jeans today, crossed, and tightly clasped, tiny hand rested restlessly on her knee. "I know you're not sure of how you feel...felt about me. But..." A deep breath, one that hissed shallowness. "I know that I loved you. I know that Istill love you." She smiled, her eyes raising to the ceiling and her head shaking. "I probably always will. But..."
Hyde arched an eyebrow.
She sat up straight, brushed black waves of hair off her shoulder. She seemed to grow taller right then and there. "I know you don't feel the same, so..."
He rolled his eyes. "I thought you said you didn't want to talk about our relationship." Because he sure as hell didn't. All it got him was more confusion. Right now, up from down was a coin-toss. And forget right from left.
She nodded. "I know. I just need you to know that I'm moving on. Now." She took another breath. "Tonight."
Outwardly, Hyde didn't move, didn't even blink, as if her words didn't faze him. And that seemed to faze her. She stood and walked to the dresser, turning to the mirror and fussing with her shirt. "The other day he asked me if I'd go to a disco with him. I told him no, but..."
Inside, his stomach tumbled like a boulder breaking free from a mountain. Along the way, its edges became sharp, and as it continued to plummet, scraped his gut raw.
"I'm going to see if the offer's still good."
It was just another game. Her way to punish him had always been this way, to make him jealous. I should be used to it. I should be fucking used to it. He closed his eyes. Damn it, now he wanted to puke. The thought of that fruitcake with his hands all over her...
"And Steven."
She turned to him, and he stared, almost awed by her. She'd turned back to face him, and her confidence was back. Her eyes slit into him. She wasn't smiling, wasn't frowning, but her face was set in determination. She looked beautiful. Jackie-ish. That stupid Jackie magic she was always yapping about.
His heart, stuck at the bottom of his belly, flip-flopped.
"Don't you dare pull any of your stupid jealous crap." She huffed and headed for the door, grabbing her jacket.
That stirred his anger, and he stood up. "Hey. I am NOT jealous, Jackie. You and that...that...Fez wannabe can do whatever the hell you want." Blood rushed to his head, filling his cheeks, and making him even angrier. He tightened his fists. Fuck, he wanted to punch something. Someone. That asshole. Heh. Shawn's face would look a hell of a lot better after meeting his fists a few dozen times.
Jackie smiled sarcastically. "You see? That's exactly what I'm talking about. All those snide little remarks." She softened, her shoulders lowering, her expression relaxing, her voice lowering. "You don't want me, but you don't want anyone else to have me, either. It's not fair, Steven."
Before he could respond, she left.
He shook his head. Whatever. She was ridiculous. What do I care if anyone else has her or not?
His foot began tapping, fast and furiously, and he glared down at it. "Fuck," he mumbled, getting to his feet and following her out the door.
His last pack of cigarettes was almost gone, only two left, and Hyde rolled his eyes. Figures. Of course, the past half hour he'd spent chain smoking, sitting against his tree and pretending not to watch Jackie and that bastard flirting away. That bastard's hands all over her. Fucking idiot thought he had the right to...
He lit up another cigarette and took a drag. Didn't help. Fuck. She'd even ruined nicotine for him. Even so, he took another drag. You don't want me, but you don't want anyone else to have me, either. As he watched her grinning and playfully tugging on Shawn's stupid beaded necklace, a sharp pain pierced his chest and immediately spread.
She's right. Sort of. I don't know that I don't want her...I don't know that I do want her. At least not the way she wants me to want her.
"Hey Hyde."
He glanced up and exhaled smoke. "Willow." She had Shawn's guitar, and was giving him a knowing smile that was going to irritate him in about three seconds.
She sat down next to him. "So." She looked towards Jackie and Shawn. "Shawn really likes her."
Hyde didn't say a word and took another unsatisfactory taste of his cigarette, then tossed it away. Shawn picked Jackie up, and her laughter carried, burned his ears.
"Jackie's really beautiful, isn't she?"
He looked at her and gave her a grin. "You know that Jackie's never gonna go for chicks, don't you?" It was kind of amusing, Willow's crush on Jackie. A hopeless cause, something bound and destined to go nowhere. Weird how that didn't seem to bother Willow. Hopeless causes were just that, hopeless, and not worth any energy. Why fight a battle you can't win?
Willow laughed and nodded. "Oh, I know. It doesn't bother me. Being around her is enough." She raised an eyebrow. "It's kind of funny that it doesn't bother you that I like her."
He shrugged and tossed the half-smoked cigarette away. "Why would it bother me? She isn't going to do anything with..." He cut himself off as Willow's eyes brightened and she smiled. Damn it. Fucking women and their traps. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the tree.
"No, she isn't going to do anything with me. But she might with Shawn, right?"
His fingertips pressed into his thighs.
"You know what she reminds me of?"
Willow strummed a few chords, and Hyde rolled his head to glare at her. "If you say an angel, I'm gonna have to frog you, chick or not." He snorted. "I know better."
"No. I was going to say a butterfly. You know, beautiful and delicate. Strong, but vulnerable."
Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw her staring at him, and he knew a lecture was coming.
"You really hurt her, Hyde."
Hyde raised his head and glared at her. "Yeah, I know that," he snapped edgily. "But you know what? It's better that she know the truth then keep hoping for some fairy tale, happily ever after that's never gonna happen for us." He looked back at Jackie, just in time to catch her looking back at him. Shawn wasn't all over her for once, and she gave him a slight smile. God, she really is beautiful. He lifted his chin to her.
"You know, John Lennon left Yoko for awhile. For two years, I think. He was with another woman, but he couldn't get Yoko out of his system. They got back together and were more in love than ever. He called it the Lost Weekend."
Hyde didn't bother glaring at her. "What's your point, Willow?"
He heard the smile in her voice. "Nothing. Just thought you'd be interested to know that."
She stood, and the tension in his hand relaxed. Good. Maybe she was finally going to leave him the hell alone.
"You look at her a lot, Hyde."
He rolled his eyes. "So?" Hell, he'd never said she wasn't gorgeous.
"So, if you really think it's hopeless, you need to stop. You need to let her go."
He snorted again. "I did let her go." Of course he'd let her go. The second he'd let Sam stay, he'd let Jackie go.
And yet, his eyes stayed on Jackie. She was sitting now, smiling at something one of the other hippy chicks was saying. The sunlight danced in her hair, spurts of copper playing wildly in the raven of her hair. She tossed it, and it shimmered. God, that hair. So soft and warm at times, at other times the perfect coolness for his overheated chest.
Fuck! What the hell am I thinking?
"No. You haven't. And it hurts her, Hyde, because she still has hope even though she told you she's moving on."
Now he looked at her. Scalding moisture lined his throat.
She smiled. "Just thought you should know."
She walked away, towards Jackie and Shawn, and Hyde shook his head. He pulled his last cigarette out and lit it. Purposefully, he looked at everything but Jackie. The trees. Too boring. Dead. No leaves, nothing, just dead wood. The grass. Brown and dead. Dead. Everything was dead. A couple dogs playing with their owners. Too wiggly.
A pigeon walking along the sidewalk.
A frisbee soaring through the air.
Jackie.
He groaned and closed his eyes. Willow was wrong. He'd let her go a long time ago. He had. He had.
Of course he had.
At the Empire State building, Willow noticed that Hyde was hanging back, not going to the edge of the observatory deck to take in the breathtaking view. She looked at Jackie. "Why isn't Hyde coming up here?"
Jackie looked over her shoulder, and a sweet smile crossed her lips. Willow noticed the way the mismatched eyes took on a sheen of nostalgic, loving mist, and it both touched her and worried her. "He's afraid of heights. Can you imagine? Tough guy Steven Hyde, afraid of anything?" She stared at Hyde, the corners of her lips turned up, her throat moving with hardly perceptible movements underneath the skin. Glossy eyes. And Willow noticed something.
Every time Hyde looked at Jackie, at least when he didn't think anyone noticed, he had the same look on his face.
"On the flight over here, he was so nervous. He wouldn't admit it, but it made him feel better when I held his hand." Jackie sighed and shook her head, throwing her hands into the air. "Okay, I've GOT to stop doing that, Willow! Remembering sweet things about him! If I keep doing that, I'll never get over him!" She stomped her foot, and Willow chuckled to herself. "And I'm going to, damn it!"
Willow's eyes followed the retreating girl, then she glanced at Hyde again. As usual, he was following Jackie with his eyes, too, and she smiled. Heights weren't the only thing he was scared of.
She approached him. "Don't you want to see the view? It's incredible."
He rolled his eyes. "I'm not much into views."
She almost said something, but bit her tongue. He seemed surly, possibly because just a few dozen feet in front of them, Jackie was resting her head on Shawn's shoulder.
And then, abruptly, Jackie looked back, her eyes instantly finding Hyde.
Willow watched.
For a minute, the two stared at one another. Jackie smiled, and Hyde immediately looked away, releasing a low, quiet sigh, like her smile for him...
Willow nodded. "You're scared of her."
He shook his head, didn't look at her. Instead, he stared up at the sky. "Why would I be scared of a shallow, materialistic, cheerleading bitch?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. Why don't you tell me? Better yet, why don't you tell her?"
His head whipped towards her, and even thorough his sunglasses, she could see heat in his eyes. "There's nothing to tell, because I'm not scared of Jackie."
"You are."
She knew that she was treading on dangerous ground; he was standing up straight now, his arms crossed across his chest. Full self-defense mode, and as she'd observed these past few days, when he went into self-defense mode, he was nasty to people. She took a deep breath, prepared for a mocking burn.
Instead, she got a sarcastic question.
"Oh yeah? You know that? What, are you psychic or something?"
She imitated him and gave him a shrug. "Maybe. I'll get back to you after I consult my tarot cards." He shook his head, unamused. He was a hard one, this one. She took a tentative step towards him. "Look, Hyde. The way Jackie loves you..." She hesitated. It might not be in Jackie's best interest to say anything at all, considering the way he treated her, for whatever his reasons.
And then he took his sunglasses off and looked at her. His eyes pleading...
"The way she loves you is nothing to be scared of, Hyde. I hope you'll realize that. And soon."
She held her breath. For a moment, when he looked over at Jackie, when his leg twitched as if to start the path towards her, Willow thought he was finally getting it, or rather, finally allowing himself to get it.
"Whatever." The glasses went back on, and he turned away from her. "I know her a hell of a lot better than you. And I'm not scared of her, okay?"
Jackie came up to them, giving Hyde a slight smile, and Willow watched as he stood up straighter, sucking in a breath.
"Come on, Steven. You have to see the view."
He shook his head, but grinned. "Why?"
Jackie tugged his arms uncrossed and gripped a hand. Willow noted that he didn't fight her touch at all. "Because you've never seen it! And who knows when we'll be back in New York. Come on, Steven."
Willow shook her head with a smile as Jackie pouted at him. That pout was magic.
"Please?"
"Oh, fine. Whatever."
As the two walked away, or rather, as Jackie pulled Hyde away, Willow sensed someone behind her. She turned and found Shawn standing there, glowering towards Hyde. She sighed. "Shawn, you do know that she loves him, don't you?"
Shawn shook his head, still staring bullets towards his nemesis. "He doesn't deserve her to."
Willow shrugged. "Everyone deserves to be loved."
His eyes met hers, and she was startled at the anger in them. And the coldness in his voice.
"He doesn't."
"Here."
Hyde, sitting on the ground and leaning up against "his" tree in Central Park. Willow stood there, offering the guitar to him and a smile on her face. Interrupting his sulking. He'd had a few minutes with Jackie at the Empire State Building; had even gotten close enough to smell her perfume. And then Shawn dragged her off. Hadn't returned her. Now they stood a few dozen feet in front of him, and the ass was all over her. Again. "What?"
"I noticed you eying it the other day." She glanced over at Jackie and Shawn. He noticed that Jackie was looking around, apparently bored. "You know, another thing about butterflies is that they're always moving around, always fluttering and flying. It's not right to keep a butterfly trapped in a jar or something." She winked at him. "She looks bored, don't you think?"
She turned and walked away.
And he grinned.
The dullness of Shawn's conversation with his friend Pete - about the horrors of the Vietnam War, for heaven's sake; who talked about war in the middle of the afternoon? - was suddenly broken up by the sweet singing of a guitar. Jackie turned her head, and her mouth fell open when she saw it was Steven playing.
And like a moth drawn irresistibly to a flame, she drifted towards him. Her heart pounded as she recognized the song. Her favorite. Love.
He looked up and grinned. "I'm not gonna sing."
The way he played it was so different than how Shawn had. Steven's arpeggios were smooth and lyrical, a string of breathtaking tone, unlike Shawn's jerky plucking. She smiled and watched his fingers, thick and strong, touching the strings with such gentleness. "I didn't know you played."
He shrugged, his eyes returning to the guitar. "A little bit. Just picked it up this past year."
"And..." Jackie's breath, for a moment, hovered in her chest. "You learned how to play this song?"
He looked up, his gaze mating with hers. "Yep."
She was dizzy. He'd learned this song...her favorite...
"You wanna learn how to play a chord?"
She nodded.
"Sit down." He grinned. "In front of me."
She began to sit, but he shook his head.
"Your back to me."
She did, and to her partial disgust, her partial thrill, found herself wrapped by Steven. He settled the guitar in her lap, and sat so close she could feel the rhythm of his life pounding against her back. "Steven," she whispered involuntarily; her eyes closing also involuntarily.
"Put your hand here. And your other hand here."
His breath warmed the crease of skin between her neck and shoulder, and she couldn't open her eyes. Could hardly breathe as he moved her fingers into the position he wanted.
"Okay, now just..."
She strummed, and the instrument vibrated, but she heard nothing except for Steven's breathing near her ear.
"You smell good, Jackie."
She turned her head, her eyes still closed. His lips were right there...so close...she could sense them, and every inch of her trembled. Just to kiss him...just one last time, to feel his soft, warm, strong and persuasive lips on hers, coaxing her to open his mouth so he could dance inside of her...
And then she'd slap him...just one more kiss...then she'd push him away for good...just one last kiss...
"Jackie. It's five o'clock."
Shawn's irritated voice broke her reverie, and she jerked her head forward. Her eyes opened, and she looked up, smiling weakly. "Oh...what?"
She thought she heard Steven cussing under his breath, and it made her giggle.
Shawn glared down at her. "You said you needed at least two hours to get ready for our date tonight." He crossed his arms, looking almost effeminate, looking an awful lot like Fez sometimes had. She giggled harder, but stifled it with a hand to her mouth. Steven had called him a Fez wannabe.
Maybe he was right.
"Where are you two going tonight?" Willow asked, coming up beside Shawn.
"We," Shawn said firmly, glaring at Jackie and then behind her, "are going dancing."
Jackie, suddenly self-conscious and sane again, Shawn's pointed looks at Steven reminding her of all she wanted to forget, forced herself to move the guitar and stand up. Instantly, she was cold. "Yeah. There's this club..." She looked at Steven, and to her surprise, he wasn't smirking. He was just...looking at her. Just looking.
What in the hell does that mean?
"Dancing!" Willow exclaimed, her face lighting up. "I love dancing." She looked at Steven, as if she was telling him a secret, and Jackie furrowed her brow. "Hyde, you wanna be my date? We could double."
Jackie looked at Steven, and to her surprise, he smiled.
"Sure. Dancing...sounds cool."
And suddenly, in the space of two minutes, Jackie felt as if the entire world was spinning fast enough to send her flying off into space.
What is he doing? What is he DOING?