A/N: Disclaimer: The views and comments of Deadpool do not reflect in any way, shape or form the views of the author. You have been warned!
"Are you ready?" Spider-Man asked Ed as they stood on the edge of the balcony on the 90th floor of Stark Tower.
He had suddenly shown up to make sure that the blonde had made a full recovery from her illness and the whole thing turned into a little adventure when he saw that she was apparently okay now.
"Absolutely not," Edeline shook her head furiously. However you looked at it, this plan was insane. "When you said a 'tour of the city' I thought maybe a bus ride on one of those buses that had the top missing or something."
"Yeah… but there is just so much more to see from up here. Don't you trust me?" the hero in the red-blue tights laughed out.
"Are you sure you aren't going to drop me? It's not that anything would happen to me if you did, I just don't want the whole City of New York to become aware of alchemy as I make my way down, transmuting their beautiful high rise buildings," the blonde ranted with a hint of sarcasm regarding her opinion of the architecture of the city.
"First, no, I wouldn't drop you, and even if you do fall, I will catch you. Second, they wouldn't know it was alchemy, and trust me they are used to all sorts of people messing up their beautiful skyline. And besides, you could just go back and fix it, unlike most of those people," Spidey pointed out, crossing his arms as he waited patiently for Ed to make up her mind already.
"Well, at least I am going incognito. Unlike last weekend when Wanda dragged me off to that anime convention or what," she commented on her altered appearance. Her hair was in a ponytail instead of her usual braid, contact lenses safely in, her auto-mail hidden by jeans, leather jacket, gloves, and boots.
"And you didn't take me?" he gasped, making a rather comical expression with his mask.
"It's not like I have a way to contact you. You didn't exactly give me your phone number or your real identity," Ed looked at him pointedly. She was dying to know who the young, smart and witty masked hero of New York actually was.
"Touché… but you just have to scream, and I would come to your rescue," Spidey offered jokingly.
"Now I wish you had the ability to hear me all the way from Seattle. I could have used some rescuing there," the alchemist sighed heavily as she recalled the particularly taxing moments of that weekend.
"Sakura-con?" her friend inquired, showing off his well-versed knowledge of the otaku world, even if he rarely had the chance to actually visit one of these events, given his lack of time and sometimes money.
"I have no idea, but it was the most bizarre experience of my life!" Ed shook her head to get rid of the images that crept into her mind.
"I bet," Spider-Man glanced at her empathetically. "So ready?"
"Ugh. Fine," she nodded finally, bracing herself for what was to come.
"Hang on tight," he ordered as he brought her hands up around his neck from the side.
And they were off, Spidey shooting a webbing to the next building, swinging away, while Ed let out a little, surprised yelp as her stomach launched into her throat. She hated situations where she wasn't the one in control.
"Wow, you are heavier than I thought," the masked vigilante teased as they made their way to his intended destination.
"Fuck off! I've got two auto-mail limbs, remember?" Ed screamed back at him, unable to keep her eyes off of either the street that was way below their feet or her friend's wrists as he shot the white gooey stuff rhythmically to his left and right.
They arrived pretty soon, only a couple of blocks later, settling on the ledge a bit above the designated tourist look-out on the 86th floor of the Empire State building.
"So how's the view?" Spider-Man inquired all excitedly. When he turned to Ed to see her reaction, she was hunched over, clutching her knees trying to keep them from shaking too badly.
"Give me a minute," she held up a finger, whishing the adrenalin to leave her system. Before she could get herself together though, her friend spoke up again.
"Oh, no. Not you again," Spidey groaned frustratedly at someone to his left.
The blonde looked up at him then followed his line of sight and saw another masked man, dressed in all red and black leather, with two katana-like swords fastened to his back in an X. He was sitting on the ledge, dangling his feet and seemingly drawing something with crayons while humming to himself.
"Someone you know?" Edeline glanced back at her friend questioningly.
"'Know' is a strong word I think," he huffed back humorlessly.
Just then the aforementioned man noticed their presence and looked up.
"Yo, Spidey!" he greeted with an over-energetic wave and jumped to his feet to meet them. "Taking your girlfriend out to see the city?" he added when he took note of Ed standing by red-blue tights. "Already called it quits with what's her name? Mary-Kate was it? Or Ashley? No, wait those are the Olsen twins. Elizabeth?"
"Does he ever shut up?" during the rant Edeline glanced at Spider-Man, who was already face-palming himself.
"Their little sister is quite pleasing on the eyes too… Oh right, I remember, Mary Jane. Although in the acting department neither of them are that impressive, no wonder I have them all mixed up."
"No," Spider-Man replied curtly in a whisper to Ed.
"So how's little Ms. Watson? Although now that I think about it, she was great in the Harry Potter movies… No wait that was Emma Watson. My bad!" the weird masked man finished finally, but neither of them was paying any attention.
"Who is he?" Ed asked, whispering back. Before Spider-Man could reply the man did the worst possible thing he could do in front of Ed.
"So who is the shorty?" he asked, which of course caught the blonde's ears instantly.
"DON'T CALL ME SMALL! I'LL RIP OFF YOUR FEET AND STICK 'EM ON YOUR HEAD!" she yelled with pure outrage, the only thing keeping her from jumping at the red-black masked asshole was Spider-Man, who was holding her by the shoulders as she flailed her arms toward the offending party.
"Been there, done that, not as fun as it sounds! The name is Pool, by the way, Deadpool," the merc did a little over exaggerated curtsy. "And who you might be, my fine little lady?" his voice was full of mocking and sarcasm, eager to push Ed's buttons.
"Who are you calling a runt so tiny she can only be seen with a magnifying glass, you jerk?!" the blonde ranted, struggling harder against Spidey's arms.
"Wow, she really gets creative with them! Do all synonyms of the word have the same effect? How about diminutive?" the merc smirked under his mask, which somehow showed all his emotions quite well.
"You get points for using the big word, but you're still going down," Ed practically growled.
"I like her already," Deadpool patronizingly patted her on the head only adding fuel to the fire.
"Would you knock it off?" Spider-Man snapped at his 'friend,' then turned to the girl still trapped in his arms. "It's not worth it, Ed, you can't beat him."
Edeline looked up at him incredulously. Spidey shook just his head, to which she grudgingly stopped struggling.
"Yeah, it's a real sob story, Ed. – So you are actually a boy? Who would have thought! Or transgender? You've still got a nice rack… Going from boy to girl or girl to boy? I don't really mind either way, but never thought Spidey was into this shit!"
"She is not my girlfriend!" Spider-Man said, trying to stay calm.
"It's short for Edeline! Get your fucking mind out of the gutter!" Ed got ticked off.
"Oh, believe me, my mind is permanently in the gutter, although I have never actually tried fucking in there, gotta put it on my bucket list," he snatched a little notebook from who knows where and scribbled something down. "Anyway, with the promise of curing my metastatic cancer I was brutally tortured and experimented on until I turned into this monster, who can even grow back lost limbs," he continued, overdramatically pointing at himself. "Speaking of which, have you seen this guy?" Deadpool shoved the crayon drawing in front of them, in which he was shooting some guy in the face, but it was so poorly drawn that even Deadpool himself was only recognizable because of the red and black mask.
"Are we supposed to be able to tell based on this?" she looked at him sarcastically after glancing at the paper, his comment regarding his regenerative powers not missing her attention either.
"This is Francis, the bastard that did this to me. Although he goes by the name of a cleaning product. I have no idea why though. Maybe his greasy head needs all the help to stay clean," Deadpool hummed nonchalantly.
"You are still at that?" Spider-Man sighed heavily.
"Of course I am. He is the only one who can turn my pretty face back to its Ryan Reynolds level of handsomeness," the merc gesticulated furiously around his face.
"Why what happened to your face?" the blonde asked, her curiosity taking the better of her.
She gasped a little when he pulled his disguise up a bit to reveal half of his features, full of scars as if he had been lit on fire a couple of times. Instantly she thought of Dr. Marcoh, whose face was similarly damaged by Scar's alchemy. Her mind was already doing calculations whether even given his regenerative powers the doc could do something about it with the help of the Philosopher's Stone and medical alchemy. Of course, this was all theory, and in no way was she about to reveal anything about her world to this freak.
"A nasty side effect, keeping me from my sexy girlfriend at the moment. Hence my mission to find and beat the cure out of the bastard," Deadpool flopped back down on the ground.
"If she really loves you, she wouldn't care how you looked," Ed stated in all seriousness.
"Awww, you are so naïve. What a cutie. Where did you find her?" he cooed in mock sweetness as he glanced up at Spidey.
"She is not my girlfriend!" Spider-Man growled at him, starting to lose his patience.
"Anyway, Ed, you will soon enough learn that the pretty, the rich and the famous get everything, and that love is not something all-powerful, everlasting thing with rainbows and unicorns and shit that could overcome anything," Deadpool continued, ignoring his comment.
"It must suck to be a disillusioned fuck as you are," the alchemist commented with a roll of her eye.
"And this is guys why you don't stop to argue with a blonde, they are just too stupid to understand what you are saying," Deadpool turned to the side to talk to who knows whom as if he was conspiratorially sharing some kind of secret.
"Is he crazy or just high as fuck?" Ed inquired from Spidey with a worried glance.
"Leave him be, he will snap out of it," he sighed. "He is talking to the 'readers.' He thinks he is in a comic book."
"Ah-ha," the girl nodded apprehensively. "So crazy it is."
"Crazier, if you think about it, that you are actually in a comic book," Spider-Man commented with a little laugh.
"Let's not get into that," Ed groaned as she shoved him playfully a bit.
"Your girlfriend has her own comic book? Why haven't I heard of you before? I know like every god damned superhero around here, but Ed doesn't ring a bell," Deadpool perked up, not as oblivious to what was going on around him after all.
"For the last time, we are just friends," the red-blue masked guy groaned frustratedly.
"Way to go, Spidey," the Fullmetal Alchemist snapped at her friend. "I was trying to avoid letting that cat out of the bag."
"Sorry," he muttered apologetically.
"Don't worry I already looked up 'short rant Ed' and came across Edward Elric," the merc fiddled with his phone while they argued.
"Oh, great!" she grumbled. The last thing Ed wanted to know was the things the internet had on her.
"Fullmetal Alchemist. Oh, it's a manga and anime. That explains why I never heard of you. Boy, let me tell you, the Japanese can come up with some freaky shit… have you ever seen their octopus porn?" Deadpool laughed out. "I can kind of see the resemblance between you two, although your hair and eyes are different. Not that clever of a disguise if anyone can see through it this easily. Almost as bad as Clark Kent with those hipster glasses of his. Who the hell falls for that? He clearly is Superman," he ranted on but neither of them knew what he was talking about. "Sooooo that means you are actually a boy!"
"I am not… I just had to pretend to be one…" the blond girl pouted sulkily. "And the writer got it wrong in her dream."
"C'mere my little pervert, I never knew underage boys were your thing. Even the Vatican would envy you," the merc with a mouth entrapped Spidey in a bear hug and started kissing him on the cheeks.
"Gross, man! Let me go!" he tried to escape looking at Ed for help.
"You dug your own grave," she put up her hands as if not concerning herself with the matter. Then clapped them together, slammed them down on the ground, and sent Deadpool and Spider-Man both flying with an emerging boulder. It caused the former to release his hold on red-blue tights, but while her friend just shot a webbing to get back to her side, the merc landed a little ways off away from them, out of view at the moment.
"I thought you wanted to keep this a secret?" Spidey snickered at Ed.
"Shut up! I think it's a moot point now anyway," the alchemist huffed back.
Rounding the corner, they saw Deadpool impaled on a radio antenna.
"Shit!" the blonde called out, recalling all too well her own similar experience in the mine shaft. She frantically started climbing up to rescue the merc from his predicament that she had caused for him, already thinking of the ways she should try and save his life, closing his wound before he could bleed out.
"Ah, man, my suit is ruined again!" he whined like a little kid as he pushed himself off, dropping down right by Ed as she was trying to reach him.
She just stared at him wide-eyed as she made her way down too. Right before her eyes, his abdominal hole closed right up. Unable to help herself Ed patted its place, making sure it really was all better.
"I know I'm a catch, baby doll, but let's not get all touchy-feely with your boyfriend present right here," Deadpool wiggled his nonexistent brows at the alchemist.
"For the love of Truth! WE-ARE-NOT-TOGETHER!" the blonde snapped at him, spelling it out for the merc.
"Why didn't you start with that? Geez, you people are so difficult sometimes!" he huffed, throwing his hands in the air as he jumped down from the ledge right between the surprised mass of tourists and disappeared through the door that led to the elevators.
Thoroughly exhausted by that encounter, Ed and Spidey swung back to the Tower, abandoning all their other plans they had for the city tour.