Disclaimer: Hi there. I don't own Twilight. Just a serious need for some kind of therapy.
Heh, heh. Have you ever watched Dora? Have you ever seen Swiper the fox? Let's pretend for a second that the fox is actually named Writer's Block and that I didn't say the magic words fast enough:
"Writer's Block no Blocking! Writer's Block no Blocking! Writer's Block NOOO- dammit." It's a mouthful to say in 1.5 milliseconds.
Sorry about that. But, I'm back. Until the Block foils my mental plans again. And boy, let me tell you; THEY. ARE.
MENTAL.
"Where, oh where can one illegally obtain chlorine gas?" I was sitting next to Eric Yorkie, sighing sadly to myself and glancing at him occasionally. You see, Eric is the president of the SCIENCE CLUB. An extremely exclusive club that is so V.I.P. it has to be spelled in all caps. It's the SCIENCE CLUB. Not the Science Club.
Yeah. It's pretty cool.
I've always wanted to be a part of it, because all the SCIENCE CLUB members are granted the status of "weird" upon acceptance. Seriously, it's a group of weird people. But I seem to be the only normal person who wants to get in. Everybody besides the people who wear those window things over their eyes (I think they're called glasses) say it's the worst place to go. According to Jessica, it's "social suicide". But Jessica's already weird. She doesn't need V.I.P. membership like little boring me. She has small arms and a big head like a T-Rex.
Eric was ignoring me, like he usually does. Apparently, he's too weird to talk to me.
Yeah, we'll see.
I adjusted the edge of my shirt, just like Lauren Mallory always does when she tries to get boys to do what she wants. Then I leaned forward with my arms crossed, making sure that my boobs were nice and squished together.
That got his attention. What is it with boys and breasts?
"Hi Bella," he addressed Stacy and Maurice. That's what my mammary glands are called. I smiled, knowing he wouldn't see it. He was too focused on a point south of my face.
"Hey Eric. So I was, like, wondering, wouldn't it be cool if someone could find chlorine gas outside of like, a power plant, or, like, something?" Acting stupid? Check. Damsel in Distress voice? Check. Boobs in ignorant boy's face? Check and check.
All systems go.
"Like." I said it slowly one more time just for emphasis.
"Yeah, I can make chlorine. I actually have some with me. We were trying out the process the other day and uh…." His eyes went wider as I bent over more.
"You can have the jar if you would like!" He squeaked, eyes still trained on Maurice and Stacy. I giggled a high pitched, screechy kind of giggle that jiggled the girls a bit.
You know, just for emphasis.
He handed me the jar. I smiled.
"You might want to swipe at the shiny, slimy, saliva all over your snout."
You've just been alliterated. Go me.
The bell rang and I sauntered out of the class, the chlorine jar safely in my bag.
Then I sauntered my way right into the living, breathing, blood sucking, shiny wall of a vampire who could read my mind and who, at that moment, might learn all about what was in my bag.
"What's in the bag?" The eyebrow raised.
Must…resist…
Then he smiled. All crookedly. And dimply.
Fiddlesticks.
"Haha, not anything that's potentially illegal or dangerous! Nope! Definitely not. And it's also definitely not-"
"Bella! What a surprise to see you here!" A small yet superbly strong hand grabbed me by the elbow and steered me away from the yummy looking Edward. I was pulled around a corner and, after about five minutes of walking, the body connected to the hand scowled at me.
"Hey Just Alice," I grinned shakily and fanned myself. She glared.
"Wipe the sweat off your forehead. And get your act together, woman! You almost ousted yourself!" I waved her off.
"He eyebrowed me Just Alice! I couldn't resist!" Her scowl got deeper, which didn't make sense because how can scowls be deep? I mean, yeah, they create little, unattractive lines in your skin after a while, and yeah, they can be kind of deep, but-
"Bella. Snap out of it."
"Sorry. Can't help it. Comes with being normal." I grimaced. Just Alice rolled her eyes. How does she do that? I've tried it before, but all it gave me was a headache.
"You, of all people, are not normal." I beamed. I knew I liked her for a reason.
"Okay, so we know the plan?"I nodded confidently. I knew exactly what to do. Maybe. I think so. Most probably, definitely. Yeah. I knew.
Wait.
"Just Alice? What plan? There ISN'T a plan. I was just supposed to get the," I looked left and right for a bronze haired god, "the you know what! We never went over anything else!" She nodded and I figured, whatever, she can see the future. I'll just follow her lead. These things have a way of working themselves out.
Okay, maybe not. I just heard that somewhere and thought it would sound cool in my mind.
"Alright, so step one is successful I take it? Eric handed over his package?" I sighed and went along with the crazy fortune teller. The pitfall of being weird? It makes life for normal people so much more difficult. Also known as me.
"Yes, it's in my very capable hands and is deriving much pleasure from its location at the moment." Her eyes went really wide and she started giggling maniacally. I cocked my head to the side; what was so funny?
"What's so funny?" She just waved her hand at me and snorted something along the lines of "Eric's package….pleasure…handling…"
Uh, can we speak in full English sentences please? My brains go a bit bonkers when they don't get what's going on.
Hah! She said we go bonkers! What a hoot!
We know what's going on. Smirk.
Did you just say smirk?
Well I don't really have a body, do I genius? We're imagining my feathered magnificence smirking right now. You can't see it, so I say it in order for you to picture it.
Thank god we can't see it. I'm imagining sticking a paper bag over the horrific image you've provided my consciousness with.
I frowned at them mentally
"Stop bickering."
"Huh?" Just Alice asked, not being able to understand that I was conversing with myself seeing as she couldn't read my mind like Edward could. Oh, that boy. Or can he really be called a boy? Since he's like one hundred and seventeen years old? PLUS he's a vampire and vampires aren't boys. They're males.
That's a huge difference.
"Just talking to myself." Just Alice shrugged and tugged me harder towards the school's exit as the bell rang. I skipped ahead of her. The sound of the bell always triggered my euphoric tendencies.
"No more school today! What a beau-" (I dragged that bit out), "-tiful day! Off I go into the wilderness! Bring along my chlor-" Alice's hand slapped over my mouth, puncturing my wonderful song. How dare she! I was just at the good part!
"Vampire hearing, remember?" I grumbled into her hand and pouted. Yeah I remembered, didn't mean she had to virtually smack me in the face with her marble slate of a hand.
We got through the door and Alice led me over to my truck, where she patted me on the arm, dropped a gas mask in my bag, and whispered "Good luck. Don't fuck it up." My good mood had been deflated. What would I fudge up? I knew I needed the gas mask, but what for?
I scowled at her as deeply as I could and drove away, narrowly missing her as I pulled angrily from the parking lot. Why couldn't she tell me the plan? Why did I have to figure it out on my own?
I pulled myself from these depressing thoughts and saw my IPod sitting cheerily in its holder. One push to the play button had my favorite song in all the world blaring out the windows as I pulled into Edward's driveway. Which wasn't exactly where I had been aiming to go at first, but seemed to have subconsciously driven towards. I shrugged. Eh. I'd get to see the Pretty One. All would be well.
So I kept singing.
"I JUST HAD SEEEEEX! AND IT FEEELLLT SO GOOOD! A WOMAN LET ME PUT MY PE-"
"Bella?" I looked up, annoyed to have my beautiful voice cut off before I realized that it was Edward interrupting me. It was okay if it was Edward interrupting me. He was too pretty to be mad at.
And I quite adored that wide eyed expression of his that he wore around me all the time. Probably from him being in awe of my awesomeness.
Or my normalness. Which was negatively awe inspiring.
"Why are you goggling at me?" What a wonderful word. Goggling.
"Why are you screaming at the top of your lungs that you just had sex? And with WHO?" He looked really mad for some reason. Then I looked over and saw that my IPod had died in the middle of my serenade.
"Are you jealous?" I teased. He scowled.
"No."
"It was a song. Want to sing it with me?" He looked a little less angry. I would love for him to sing with me. Especially the part of the song where they're all talking about turtlenecks and chains.
I'd let Edward do me with a turtleneck and chain.
He. Reads. Minds. Remember?
Oh yeah.
I looked into the dinner plate eyes again. Such big eyes you have, grandmother! Little Red Riding Hood, that's me! Except I was talking about a vampire. And he could be my grand father, not mother. Although he was way, way, way too hot to be an old person.
His eyes got even rounder. I huffed and rolled my own.
"You have got to know by now how weirdly beautiful you are. Why do you still get surprised?" I was genuinely curious, which was weird for me.
Weird. Huh. Maybe the Cullens were a good influence after all!
Edward just shook his head and looked so much like a trodden on (though indestructible) puppy that I couldn't help but run up to him and pinch his cheek. Then scowl at him when my fingers started to ache.
He grinned.
"Whoops." He said all deep and velvety like a scarf or, or… or like chocolate.
"Mmmm chocolate…." And then, because he was so close and looked (sounded?) like the most delectable thing in the world, and because I was way too weak to NOT give in to him, I leaned forward and kissed him.
You taste like cotton candy.
I felt him smile against my lips again, which made me pout, because, if you didn't already know, it is rather bothersome trying to kiss someone who is smiling. Their lips get really thin and all you get is teeth. Or fangs, in my case.
But I persevered, emboldened by the fact that this perfect specimen wasn't allergic to my normalness like everyone else in the world (sans the Newt) and he hadn't pulled back. He was kissing me too!
Swoon.
TONGUE! WE WANT TONGUE!
I listened to my female fowl ovaries and started projecting their demands to Edward. He smiled again. And chuckled a bit.
Which caused his mouth to open. I all but dove in.
Holy. Effing. Hell. He tastes like cherry Jolly Ranchers!
Marry us. Please. We want to have your babies.
Can vampires even have babies?
Edward was no longer smiling. I opened my eyes a bit to see that his were closed, and that his brow was all furrowy and he looked so darn cute. And he was still kissing me. So I closed my eyes again.
And then….. I passed out.
Yes, I forgot to breathe. So sue me. I'm talking to you, reader.
Wait, WHAT did you say?
Listen, buster, you wouldn't have fared any better if YOU were making out with the hottest piece of Y-chromosome in the universe!
Which you weren't. So ha.
Oh yeah, I went there-
"Bella!"
The most gorgeous voice in the universe was a tiny bit shrill as it pulled me out of unconsciousness. I woke up like I was coming out of an exorcism, all flailing limbs and high pitched groaning noises. When I had finally calmed down and taken inventory of my slightly changed scenery, I found myself sitting in a meadow. With an exasperated vampire sitting next to me.
"How did you forget to breathe?" I shrugged, not really paying attention. Something was tugging at the back of my mind. Something diabolical that had to do with breathing…
"Why am I in a meadow?"
"Alice told me to take you here, because waking up in the driveway would make you feel embarrassed and you'd avoid me for a few days." Yes, waking up on concrete tended to do that to one. Whereas waking in a meadow made me feel like Sleeping Beauty, which was much less mortifying.
I did not pass out.
I've been asleep for a hundred years and a kiss from the lovely undead gentleman woke me from my coma from hell.
I nodded to myself. That sounded MUCH better.
"And," Edward went on, "I don't really want you to avoid me." He looked so freaking cute when he said that, that I almost felt bad for what I was about to do.
Then again, I was a stubborn lass. And revenge would be mine!
"What?" Edward's voice was a little squeakier than usual. Most likely due to the fact that I had found my bag to still be in my possession and had whipped out the mask and chlorine.
I grinned.
"Not so funny when the bunny's got the gun, is it, Mr. Indestructible?"
And then I sprayed the yellow-green gas right in his face.
Cough. Hack. Cough.
Golden eyes with the glare of a thousand suns.
Shucks. I guess I forgot one tiny little unimportant detail.
He might have been indestructible. But I wasn't.
"Just Alice!"
*DDGS*
"I can't believe," cough, cough, "the nerve of you! You're- choke- almost as bad as- hack, cough, splutter- she is!"
"Edward, dear, don't overexert yourself."
"I wouldn't have to if you didn't," screechy violin sounds came out of his throat as he attempted to breathe, "give chlorine gas to the residential psycho!"
"Hey!" I said loudly from my spot behind Just Alice in the Cullen's living room, "I highly resent that! I am not a pysc-" My voice faltered under Edward's intense glare.
Heh, heh. Maybe it'd be best if I didn't piss him off anymore at the moment. Considering I had just sprayed toxic gas into his lungs. And the fact that I had just narrowly escaped his wrath thanks to the fortune telling Just Alice, who managed to pull me out of the meadow and run me back to her house before Edward could tug off my mask or something equally life threatening.
Yeah, maybe testing death once a day was enough for me.
"You baby," Just Alice mocked, "it'll wear off in a few hours or so. And look! I brought you some mountain lion blood! And I made sure to force feed the lion a bouquet beforehand. We just wanted to have some fun at your expense."
Edward grumbled and took the silver canister Alice offered him.
"You shouldn't have goaded her anyway. You know how Bella is."
Edward tried to laugh spitefully but went into another coughing fit. I stayed glued to Just Alice's side as he wandered out of the room, clutching his flowery blood and shooting dirty, though still outrageously hot, looks in my direction.
His last look was one of disgusted incredulousness.
"Yes, I still think you're hot! Remember that when you're done sulking and want to make out!" I couldn't tell for sure, but it looked like a little smile crept onto his face as he continued to skulk out of the room. Though admittedly with a bit of a hop in his step.
He IS a seventeen year old, sexually frustrated, undead guy after all.
I feel for him.
What do you mean, you feel for him? Like YOU'VE ever been in his situation…
Exactly! I am a male piece of poultry living inside a crazy teenage girl's brain! I'll never get a chick. And don't even get me STARTED on the things I must endure.
You mean, WE must endure. Like THAT time of the month?
WE MADE A PACT NOT TO TALK ABOUT THAT. YOU ARE BREAKING THE PACT!
THAT PACT WAS MADE FOR A REASON! WE DO NOT SPEAK OF THE YOU-KNOW-WHAT!
Thank god for that.
I heard wheezy laughter from the other room. Edward, you sly dog. Stop reading my mind or I'll project my thoughts on what it's REALLY like to be a girl. With a menstrual cycle.
The door slammed shut and I saw a flash of bronze through the window that seemed to be dashing in the direction of the forest.
Just Alice snickered.
"Well, Bella," she smiled slyly and patted me on the back with her sledgehammer hand, "I think you deserve a reward."
"Lebkuchen!"
"No. You've already had your foul cookie. I'm offering something better."
"Impossible. Unless you're offering me two Lebkuchens. And/or a contract written in blood promising me the assassination of Michael Fucking Newton." His middle initial is F. Fucking, Fugly, Fucker, or Freaky would be some rational possibilities for a middle name.
I don't suppose his parents could like him anymore than I did. Which was a whole freaking not a lot.
"Um, no. I don't have either of those. I have something even better," she held up her hand to quiet my disbelieving words. Which were very disbelieving and disapproving, because how could ANYTHING be better than the death of Mike F. Newton? HOW?
I'm boggled too.
"I'm inviting you to the next Cullen baseball game!"
Crickets chirped through the silence.
"Edward will be there. In baseball pants. Tight, muscle-hugging baseball pants."
"I'm in." The thought of those succulent, powerful thighs and pert backside encased in pants that would showcase all their lean, juicy, long-legged glory had me salivating.
A muffled squeak came from outside the front door. Then a bronze haired god went running up the stairs at vampire speed.
"Where you going?" I called, my eyes trying to catch sight of that perfect body that I had so many plans in mind for. If I could ever get my hands on it. Oh, the things I would do…
"Cold shower." Came the wheezy reply. Just Alice giggled. I didn't get it.
I didn't usually get stuff. It frustrated me.
Oh freaking well. I could deal.
I had baseball pants to caress and stroke in my near future.
Just Alice huffed as another hoarse, high-pitched wheeze drifted down the stairs.
"Edward, stop it with your squeaking! Are you done with puberty or not?"
Poor, poor Edward. All I can say is-
BRING ON THE BASEBALL PANTS!
AND the reviews!