Chapter 11

After escaping Gotham City's amphitheater by flying away on Norberta(who was there the whole time, we swear, she just hides in Dumbledore's anus), Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz made their way back to Mystery Woman Talent Agencies. The Mystery Woman was acting, surprisingly, very mysterious.

"You're plans back at Gotham City backfired spectacularly," dumbled Dumbledore. "I almost cried wisely because of it!"

"We 'ave to get 'Ermione back!" hagrided Hagrid. "She couldda taken Batman!"

"Not if he had prep time!" said Ron, waiting for someone to shut him up. "…Hermione's not here," he sulked.

"What the Hell are you talking about?" asked the mystery woman. "You did perfectly."

"We were attacked by about 2/7th of the Batfamily," said Luna. "How I wish we could have met Bat-Mite."

"Wait," said Aragog. "If the Batfamily attacked us, do you know what this means?"

"…No," said Hagrid. "…wait…yes…"

"WE'RE SUPERVILLAINS!" shouted the entire band. All of the glass in Mystery Woman Talent Agencies shattered.

"We need names!" said Ron.

"I call Manic Mermaid!" said Luna.

"I'll be Spider-Man!" said Aragog. "Wait…GODDAMMIT!"

"Silence, all!" said the Mystery Woman. "I need you all to go to your next concert. I have you scheduled for a concert in Hipsterville, Washington. You should be leaving soon. Don't bother changing out of your schoolgirl outfits, that's your uniform from now on."

"Fine, but can I lose the wig? I look silly with pigtails," said Aragog.

"No!" said the Mystery Woman. "It stays!"

The entire band left the talent agency building, ecstatic. They were not entirely sure why they were going to Hipsterville (a fate worse than death, since death is too mainstream for them), but they knew that they were going to hit it big in Hipsterville.

"CHANGE?" asked a beggar woman, who ran up to them from the slums. "YOU GOT ANY CHANGE?"

It took a while for the band to realize that the beggar woman as actually Hermione Granger. Her face was obscured by her raggedy hair, but her breasts were in full view.

"Hermione?" asked Dumbledore. "I thought were dead!"

"Ugh…I wish…" said Hermione.

"Why are you on the street?" asked Ron. "I thought you had ten thousand dollars with you on hand!"

"I did…but I invested it in muggle sports teams…"

"Oh, which ones?" asked Luna.

"The muggle Quidditch teams…" mumbled Hermione. "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

"OH DEAR GOD!" screamed the entire band.

"How are you not a slave in Cambodia by now?" asked Riku.

"Yeah!" said Dobby.

"…What," said Hermione. "How long has Dobby been here?"

"Dobby? Oh, 'e's been 'ere the whole time!" said Hagrid.

"I'm looking for children to be in mah 'eavy metal band!" screamed Hagrid, excitedly.

"Do you mean heavy metal?" asked Ron.

"Shut up Ron," said Hagrid over the megaphone. "I need young schoolgirls to be a part of mah band, Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz!"

"I'll join you, sir!" said Dobby, meekly. "I can play my nose as a flute."

Dumbledore, Hagrid, Ron, Hermione, Hermione's breasts, Luna, Riku, Sora, McGonagall, and Aragog walked down the streets of this random Irish town to find a well-lit pub. The group then sat down and made their own stalls. Dobby was there, too.

"OH NO YOU DIDN'T!" shouted Hagrid. Hagrid punched the priest so hard that he flew across the room and hit Sora. In a Yaoi fury, Riku then body slammed the priest, all while the priest was on top of Sora. Luna then took many pictures.

"Imma put these on my MySpace!" she squee'd.

"But no one uses MySpace anymore…" said Dobby.

"I LERV THIS SONG!" screamed Hagrid, every single word slurred beyond belief.

"We're not even playing any music!" said McGonagall.

"Leh's change thah!" said Hagrid.

"Mah hair is so pretty!

It's…it's prettiful!

An' stuff. TAKE IT AWAY, DOBBY!"

"Runnin' like a unicorn,

Rockin' like an elf,

I can't help but be myself!" rapped Dobby, putting on his bling and basketball jersey. "And all the honeys sing…!"

"Ah, ah, yeah," sand the female elvies that appeared out of nowhere.

"…Oh," said Hermione. "I honestly never noticed him around here. Oh well, I'm coming back in."

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "But you never said he was there! Liar!" That may be true, but I never said he wasn't there, did I?

And so, Hermione rejoined the band and Dobby joined retroactively. The band, after fitting Hermione into a Catholic schoolgirl outfit that was two sizes too small, went to their personal jet and flew off to Hipsterville, Washington.

As the Mystery Woman was setting up their gig at a cave-themed bar (geddit? Cuz itz underground. Fangz!), Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz (and Dobby) walked around the city streets. They noticed everyone was dressed in flannel shirts, skinny jeans, scarves, and thick rimmed glasses. Also, all the men had beards, even some of the women had beards because natural femininity was too mainstream for them.

Ironically, in their pursuit of nonconformity, they are all conforming. And yes, I just used "ironically" correctly when talking about hipsters.

"This is freaky," said Ron. "Why do they all have beards?"

"Because ol' 'Agrid is a trendsetter!" said Hagrid. Five hipster women walked up to Hagrid and swooned.

"You look so totally awesome!" said one she-hipster. Her glasses would be fogging over if she actually had lenses. "Can I touch your beard?"

"Careful," said Hagrid. "'E'll bite."

The she-hipster pet Hagrid's beard. It started to purr. The four other women then conformed and pet it as well.

"Now, 'o wants to make me a sammich?" said Hagrid. The five women then ran away, looking for a kitchen so they can make a sandwich.

"WHAT?" screamed Hermione, looking around. "SEXIST! SEXIST!" No one listened to her, so she sulked. "I bet if I was in Ravenclaw people would listen to me!"

Speaking of Ravenclaw, Cho Chang had just decapitated a zombie Professor Flitwick by accidentally crashing into him on her broom. She, Harry Potter, and Draco Malfoy, as you should remember, are currently fly through the castle to find Professor Snape's office, where they will use the only working fireplace left in the castle to teleport away from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and BRAINS!

"But where will we go?" asked Cho.

"We'll go to Pigfarts!" screamed Draco. "We'll be safe, it's on Mars!"

"Shut up about Goddamn Pigfarts!" screamed Harry. "We're already using movie continuity, book continuity, Puppet Pals continuity, My Immortal continuity, we don't need the bloody musical continuity!"

"What about The Girl Who Lived, can we use that continuity?" asked Draco, sarcastically.

"Sure," said Harry. Harry then proceeded to take out his shotgun and shoot zombie-Rose Potter in the skull, causing her pretentious brains to fly across the hallway. "Original Character, Do Not Kill," he said. James Bond would be proud.

Harry, Cho, and Draco continued flying through the hallways, kicking zombies in the heads as they passed them. When they finally reached the dungeon, they flew down the spiral staircase and knocked on the door to Snape's office.

"Don't come in," said Snape. "I'm currently very deep in something very important."

"Snape, we need your fireplace," said Harry.

"No," said Snape. "I have an acquaintance in here and I'm very busy."

"Snape, there are zombies," said Draco.

"…Pardon?"

"Zombies!" screamed the three students.

"One moment," said Snape. There was loud rustling in the office, followed by several profanities, glass breaking, and a Wilhelm scream. "Come in."

Harry, Draco, and Cho walked into Snape's office. He was sitting on a bed big enough to fit around five people, dressed in a silk nightgown and sipping a glass of wine as he was reading a copy of Friendship, or How We Settled Our Differences And Decided to Take Down North Korea With the Power of Music by Lady Gaga and Katy Perry, forward by Ke$ha.

"…Um…hi," said Cho. "Can we use your fireplace?"

"I don't see why not, just get the Hell out of here, I'm busy," said Snape. "The powder is in the pot on the bookshelf, so grab a handful and leave this place. Thirty points from Hufflepuff or something."

"…Okay…" mumbled Draco.

The three students looked on his bookshelf for Floo powder. Then, Harry remembered something.

"…Didn't you say you had an acquaintance?" asked Harry.

"…No."

"Yes, you did!" said Harry. "About twelve lines up!"

"Um…"

The bookshelf crashed down. Harry, Draco, and Cho jumped out of the way just as a raggedy woman jumped out from behind the bookshelf and waved her arms around in fury.

"MOM?" screamed Harry.

BUM BUM BUMMMMMM!