Chapter 11: Depression
1 Month After the Departure of Rin
It was exactly one month after Rin's departure, and things still had yet to even remotely change their course from lonely and depressing to how they did when she had been around. The hallways seemed darker, more desolate. The gardens, while still the most magnificent in the West, didn't feel as bright nor as vibrant as they once had. It seemed the human girl's absence was indeed taking it's toll on everyone in the main house, never mind any routine they tried to go about and accomplish.
The first couple of weeks had probably been the toughest for the staff, what with having to get used to having no shining, bubbly girl to greet them wherever they went... No chiming voice humming made-up tunes as small, nimble fingers made countless flower crowns in the afternoon sun... No sweet smiling face to ask question upon question of what each personnel of the house did, who they were, what their families were like and if they had any children that were her age.
One moment she was there... laughs, smiles and all around sunshine encompassing her being... and the next... nothing. She was gone.
But while the servants of the castle felt their daily routine only slightly unbalanced, like the disturbance of a small pebble falling into a still pond, and would be able to adjust or even forget it in the next month... it was much harder for the two inu brothers, the royal siblings having seemed to become more like ghostly specters within their own home now rather than the feared Lord of the West and directionless, and rather temperamental, rogue Warrior.
The brothers were seen less and less with every passing day, the Lord of the House more so than his younger brother since the half-demon mostly trailed after the elder, making sure he was alright and wasn't bothered unnecessarily by anyone or anything.
It was getting harder though, as Inuyasha watched his brother deteriorate from day to day. The youkai rarely ate, didn't sleep and moved about constantly, trying to keep himself distracted and as busy as he could. He would barricade himself in his study or simply stare off into the distance at the cliff he'd been to the first day Rin had left... and had been every single day since.
Inuyasha was at a loss; he wasn't sure what he could do anymore. Unlike the guards, maids or other hired help around the castle, his estranged sibling didn't seem to be doing any better with each day that passed, and even though youkai were indefinitely strong and for the most part immortal... they were able to die from heart break if they let the cold, aching feeling keep hold of them long enough. And as each day drew to a close, Sesshomaru looked even closer to heading in that direction than he had previously.
However, no matter what, even if he had no idea how to go about comforting the daiyoukai, Inuyasha would NOT let that happen to Sesshomaru, he would not allow Sesshomaru to leave this world in such a fashion. He would not stand by willingly (or even unwillingly) and watch as his brother died in his own silent grief, or worse... tried to take his own life by engaging in a reckless, unwinnable battle with some lone straggler, or enticed the wrath of the Council...
Inuyasha shook his head, trying in vain to clear his mind of the disturbing thoughts, still at a loss when he was able to think a little clearer.
Damnit! But what was he supposed to do! He felt helpless, insignificant and far too young to do anything useful, let alone give aid to and save his older, more powerful, and, in his eyes, invincible brother... There was just no way he... or anyone here could... No one else could bring the youkai back to himself but Rin... Sweet little Rin who, for whatever reason, was the only one, save for their father, that possessed the strength and power far greater than any seen before to be able to make her way into the daiyoukai's chest. She alone seemed to be able to ensnare the dog demon's Essence, a demon equivocal to a human's heart and soul, though far more delicate and easily torn asunder, even in a carefully barred chest like that of Sesshomaru's.
She was the only one that would be able to help... And yet was unable to do so, what with being so far, far away.
Maybe he could bring the girl back to-... No...
Even Inuyasha knew in the back of his mind that bringing her back wasn't the answer. Sesshomaru had made the decision he had for her safety and would not take well to her returning merely to "cheer him up." In fact, the hanyou was fairly sure he'd be torn to shreds if he decided to act upon that stray, improbable thought.
Inuyasha shivered unconsciously as he watched his brother from a branch outside his study, feigning a nap. With one eye parted slightly he took in his brother's position.
He was no more than one hundred feet from him, yet he seemed so far away... his mind somewhere else entirely than the land deeds he was more than likely going over. Inuyasha sighed. He needed more time to think of a strategy to fix this, whatever this was that his brother refused to come out of. Sure, the poor guy had always suffered from a lack of personality since he was born (more than likely), face always placid and smooth, no sign of a laugh having ever creased his brow in amusement, no possible way his mouth had ever upturned in what many knew as a smile. Nothing.
But even though it looked as if his brother was devoid of emotion, of showing it even, he was able to feel them, Inuyasha was sure of this. He'd seen the way he regarded his human, a softness entering his eyes, a look the daiyoukai had held for no other, save for their great chichi. The way he would speak to her, turn his attention to her when she called for it, and especially when she didn't. The way the inu lord would see to her safety above all else, mortal peril to his own person be damned.
Izayoi, Inuyasha's mother, had once explained that Inuyasha and Sesshomaru's father had told her he had never valued the things around him, the beings in his life as he did after having met her. She went on to tell her hanyou son that when a demon is able to attach himself to a human that they are never the same as they once were from that point on.
And when Inuyasha had remembered what his mother had said... and applied it to his brother... a youkai that had held no remorse or mercy when they crossed paths in the past... he saw something so brilliant... so earth shattering, so... beautiful. It touched his heart in a way he never conceived possible. That his brother had begun to... cherish. To see things as fragile even if they weren't physically or in any other literal sense. To care for that which was his, not only in title, but in heart and soul as well... It was such an immense change, a huge impact on the youkai it happened to that the feeling was able to, apparently in some instances, spread to others around them.
Sesshomaru...
Inuyasha blinked from his ponderings realizing the youkai was no longer in his study. Ears perked, swiveled this way and that, trying to pinpoint his brother's location before dropping out of the tree and bounding across the lawn toward the movement and trail of his brother's ki.
The daiyoukai's powerful aura of youki was hard to miss, even when it was at bay and in a seemingly depressive funk, as was its earthly body that roamed the palace like a soulless clay doll. But even so, said soulless-like clay doll (Sesshomaru would have his hide if he ever heard the hanyou refer to him as such) got more props than the real thing since at least he apparently knew where he was going.
Which was a weird concept all in its own, in Inuyasha's opinion- especially since the demon was, for the most part, completely aimless and had the worse sense of direction the hanyou had ever encountered.
The half-demon came to a halt instantly when he realized he had lost track of his surroundings and almost walked straight into the room his brother now paused in, surveying his own surroundings, staring at the naturally warmed pool of hot springs and then out the window toward the garden on the other side of the estate... as if he were unsure as to how he... got... there...
Inuyasha blinked. And before he could stop himself, the words he thought spilled from his mouth.
"You were trying to get to the gardens and ended your aimless ass here, didn't you?" Inuyasha's eyes went wide the moment the last word passed his lips, especially when the youkai seemed to freeze as if not having sensed him there observing Sesshomaru's confusion. The demon turned to regard his brother with lifeless, dull golden eyes.
The decay of those eyes froze Inuyasha to his core where he stood, allowing him only to watch his sibling. If Sesshomaru chose to attack and kill him right this moment... Inuyasha wouldn't have been able to have done a thing to stop him, the fear and shock in his body all consuming. Granted, he knew his brother well enough to know he'd never do that now but... his eyes...
"Sesshomaru..." Inuyasha tried to call as the demon's attentions drew back to the hot springs.
"Cleanse," was all the youkai mumbled before starting to remove his leisure wear.
"Huh?" The half-demon was stumped. This was probably the first time he'd actually heard his brother's voice (albeit harsh from its disuse over the past few weeks but actual words came out of the mouth nonetheless).
"I wish... to bathe," Sesshomaru said as he let his clothes fall to the floor, a very uncharacteristic movement in Inuyasha's rule book of, "This is How Sesshomaru's Tight Uppity Ass Works In Day to Day Life". So all he really could do at the odd behavior, even though his brother had continued to freak him out over the last month continuously, was to simply stare.
The naked daiyoukai moved into the hot springs, passing blotches of colder water here and there as he made his way to the back near an open window that allowed the branch of a nearby sakura tree to slip through, soft, fragrant, pink petals falling every so often, perfuming the air with its flowery scent. That combined with the quiet atmosphere caused the older demon to look quite serene... if not for the lifelessness of his limbs and the look that lacked appreciation of a small wonder.
Sesshomaru merely sat there, staring blankly into the pool of foggy, steamy water, a gaze he mirrored himself, Inuyasha thought absently. The hanyou's body finally allowed him movement and control over his limbs and he decided it best to hang around so his brother didn't drown himself or something. He shrugged against the open door, eyes unconsciously checking as much skin of his older brother as he could to make sure nothing had happened in the small amount of time the elder had been out of his sight. To his great relief, nothing out of the ordinary was different or out of place.
His eyes remained on the youkai's chest, his memories replaying the incident that had been the cause and birthing of the scar that now ran from the bottom side of his sibling's right pectoral to the top of his left.
That scar... if it had been caused by any other hand, by any other blade than that of Tetsusaiga and himself,... it would have healed by now. However, because it had been commissioned and assembled from the bones and blood of their father himself it would indefinitely be there for the rest of the youkai's existence. Inuyasha felt an overwhelming need to run his hand across the scar and apologize profusely, to try to make amends. But he knew that it would be a futile act on his part. His brother, had he been himself, would have scoffed at him and told him to stop acting like his weaker blood. And that would have only been said if the hanyou would have even been able to get close enough to Sesshomaru without the other ripping his arm off and given him a chance to explain.
Inuyasha smiled to himself, missing their confrontations; even the bad ones he missed at this point.
The sound of a bird flittering from its nest outside, swooping into the rooms and back out again brought Inuyasha back to the present, taking in his brother's prone body.
Inuyasha sighed and started undressing, intent on joining his brother in the springs. He seemed no where near intent on bathing as he did staring at the water and boiling patiently like a good vegetable (and for all intents, purposes, and in all honesty, that's what he seemed like).
The hanyou waded in, slowly following the same haphazard path his sibling took in case he might startle the youkai out of whatever memory he was likely replaying within his mind's eye. He seated himself across from the elder.
Minutes passed by, moments that seemed more like days, and Inuyasha couldn't take it anymore. This youkai, this revered demon had always been the pinnacle of strength and consistency in half-demon's world and now... now he was little more than a soulless ragdoll thrown away after once having belonged to a girl who'd forgotten her childhood...
Inuyasha's throat constricted as his chest tightened, clutching the air in his lungs, trying to prevent any and all escape.
He moved toward Sesshomaru with determination and embraced the unmoving, seemingly unliving, youkai, something finally dawning on the hanyou as he held the prone figure close to him, his older sibling's body warm yet slightly goose bumped, both oblivious and otherwise undeterred by the fact that they were nude and that his little brother had just moved into his personal bubble. Sesshomaru didn't seem to even realize the embrace he was in, his body and expression merely lax, apparently accepting it for what it was.
"Sesshomaru... you... still haven't realized it yet, have you?" Inuyasha said in wonder, eyebrows knitted together, still attaching himself to his brother, trying to speak slowly so his voice didn't crack with his own sudden realization.
How... did he not see this sooner?
After a few moments of silence Sesshomaru replied with a rough, "What?"
Inuyasha let his mouth hang open for a while, unsure of how to put it in a way that his sibling would understand. Finally he came to the heartbreaking conclusion of how to let the demon know what it seemed everyone else within the palace walls already knew since the day of Her Departure.
"That... this perfect,... ice cold armor you've tried to encompass yourself in since father's death... that it's actually full of chinks."
Regardless of the heat the springs provided, a chilling shake rolled through Sesshomaru's body moments later, a feeling neither Inuyasha nor the daiyoukai himself had ever witnessed or felt the elder do before, not even upon the knowledge of their great father's death so many decades ago.
And finally, Sesshomaru broke, body trembling and whining lowly. Painfully. Desperately.
Inuyasha knowing the inu race in general, while an eternal being, felt pain at a much deeper level than any human ever could, and regardless of the steps he'd taken in this direction... the hanyou was surprised his brother hadn't broken down sooner.
The half-demon continued to hold the youkai to him, or rather, held himself to the youkai who neither clung to nor pushed away the embrace of his kin... all the while the great daiyoukai's head was bent upon his brother's shoulder, and thankfully, for both of them and mostly for Sesshomaru's pride, their wet laced bodies prevented either from feeling the drops of salt tinged tears that ran down Inuyasha's back.
Author's Note: Don't stone meee! While this chapter hurt my chest (sobs), I did like it a lot, especially the emotion at the end (at least I felt the emotion since I wrote it... maybe you can't but... wah) and definitely with how Inuyasha approaches Sesshomaru and helps him "break." Kinda weird saying it like that but he did, with all positive intents and purposes, mind you.
The "chinks in armor" comment Inuyasha makes is actually inspired by an episode in Junjou Romantica! I think it's season 1, episode 4...
Here's a list of songs that I guess... helped me write this chapter? Or got me in the contemplative, depressive mood to write it? Haha. Parts or all of the lyrics of whatever song are what inspired and helped me finish this chapter.
Chapter 11 Track List
1. Hello, Hello by SR-71 - (regarding Sesshomaru's depression)
2. Forget It by Breaking Benjamin - (regarding Sesshou's feelings on his "weakness" to his heart aching to this extent [a fact that wasn't directly revealed in the chapter!])
3. Keep Holding On by Avril Lavign - (regarding Inuyasha's vow to support no matter what)
4. Rest in Pieces by Saliva - (regarding Sesshomaru's depression, and Inuyasha's feelings of helplessness at first regarding his brother's possible downfall)
5. Whatever it Takes by Lifehouse - (not directly revealed in the story as of yet but, this regards Sesshomaru not wanting to lose another special someone in his life)
6. When You Come Back Down by Nickel Creek - (Inuyasha will always be there for Sesshomaru, as the hanyou sees Sesshou always being there for Rin)
Anywho! Hope you enjoyed!