My Light

It was ten till midnight, and way too quiet for Cullen's liking. He paced about the Harrowing Chamber, thinking over everything that had occurred in just the last several days. It seemed almost overnight his world had changed. Right after that new dream he had about her. Right after her Harrowing is when it all started.

Cullen stopped and looked up into the domed ceiling. He could see the stars and the full moon. Their light shined down through the window and illuminated the floor. It was a beautiful night. There were no clouds in the sky. Only stars, moon, and darkness.

What am I doing here? he thought. He had no idea why he had asked her to come here. It was just a spur of the moment thing. As soon as he heard that she might be leaving for Ostagar to help fight the darkspawn, he knew he didn't want her to go. Fighting against darkspawn did not seem like her. She was too sweet and kind and beautiful to be fighting such fowl and tainted creatures. Every time Cullen thought about it, it made him cringe. Ostagar was not a good place for anyone to be right now. Especially not Esumi.

His Esumi.

He placed his face in his hands. She wasn't his, and she never would be. The same battle was still raging through his head. One part of him told him that he needed to go back down to his room before he got caught and leave things be. Let her go to Ostagar. Let her leave so he could forget about her, and if she died... but he wouldn't let that part of his brain finish. Even if he did still have the desire to push her out of his mind, having her die would not be the best way of doing it. No, if ever something was going to happen between the two of them, it would be tonight. He just wasn't sure how he was going to do it.

His duty told him that everything he was feeling was wrong. That it was treason how he felt, and if he went through with it, then it would mean something horrible. He was being pushed to the edge of his reason, and he was desperately trying to figure out what to do. He stopped to look at the stars again. If he didn't figure it out quick, then he didn't know what was going to happen.

Cullen wasn't sure what time it was, but it felt like he had been in there for hours. He would listen to every little noise that he heard, wondering if the next faint footsteps were hers, or if they were someone else. Someone coming to see why the Harrowing Chamber was unlocked, or why one of the keys were missing. He didn't know why he was worrying about that particular scenario considering he had taken the keys with permission. He was to help clean the chamber at some point later after a Harrowing. He had volunteered just so he could have them. Just for this night.

He began his pacing again, anything but tired as the anxiety ran through him. He felt like he was going out of his mind. If she didn't get there soon, then he may lose his mind. Several thoughts occurred to him. What if she wasn't coming? What if she got caught coming up here? What if...?

He had to stop thinking of all the what ifs. They were not helping.

Soft footsteps made their way up the stairs and Cullen froze in the middle of the chamber as he stared at the hole in the floor. Slowly her head began to make its way up from it and soon she was entirely there, standing in front of him. He immediately felt relief once seeing her and seeing how beautiful she was.

Esumi's hair was all the way down and hung past her shoulders. The tips of her ears could be slightly seen through the black curtain as it shimmered in the moonlight. She wore a light blue robe-his favorite color on her-that wrapped itself all the way around her with a thick, fabric belt that went around her waist, tying in the back. She stared at him with a neutral expression, holding her arms behind her back and waiting.

Cullen couldn't believe she had actually come, and as he stood there staring at her, he felt everything that was bothering him before dissolve away. How could there be anything wrong with the wonderful woman standing there? Sure she was a mage, and an elf, but did that really matter? She was also smart, sweet and kind, beautiful and powerful. It seemed that everyone who knew her loved her. Even some of the templars seemed to treat her with more respect than they did the other mages. There was just an air around her that made everyone feel good. Cullen had just been swept up in it further than anyone else had.

He went to speak, but stopped short. His mouth was dry, and his heart beat faster than it ever had before This is what I wanted, right? So why am I afraid?

"You don't need to speak," she said. She walked up to him, gazing into his face. Cullen felt the heat reach his cheeks. She smelled so lovely. Andraste's Grace was the fragrance. "I know why it is you wanted to see me."

"You do?" he whispered.

Esumi nodded her head. "Because I feel the same way," she continued. "I know this is hard... for the both of us. You have a duty you must perform which is to watch me, but that duty is to do just that. Watch. You are only a spectator, and are never supposed to be an active player. So to keep you safe, I wish for you to just listen to what I have to say first. Then you can decide for yourself what it is you want to do." She seemed to be trying to keep her eyes from his.

"Go on then," he said swallowing hard.

Esumi took a deep breath before she began. "All the time I've been here, I thought I had a light in my life. One that belonged in the heart of a dear friend of mine. That light used to shine brightly and helped me through many troubled times. It helped me when I first arrived here. I had lost my parents to some plague that had spread across the land, leaving me alone on the streets with no knowledge of anything around me, or of where I came from. I don't remember much of that life as I was so young, nor do I remember how it was I came to the Circle, but when I first met my light, he guided me through all the tough times and helped me to understand.

"But now that light is gone, and I thought I would be lost in the darkness forever. Yet, I found that not to be true. I didn't realize it at first, but there was actually a second light right behind the first. Its radiance was dim, as it was distant, and being overtaken by the first, but it was still there, biding its time and waiting for the right moment to shine." Esumi smiled up at him, but still kept her eyes from his.

"That light was you, and when my first light drifted away, and I thought I would be left in the darkness, that was when you came. That was when you shined brightly, trying to tell me that I wasn't alone anymore. That I still had a light to guide me." She stopped, and turned away from him. Cullen only waited in silence.

"I thought I was only noticing you now, but... that was not true. I noticed you the first time I saw you. When I passed you in the hall, just outside of my old room. Our eyes caught and it seemed we stared into each others for an age before I was swept away. It was then when it started, for me at least. I became aware of your stares, of your watchful eyes. I knew you looked at me, and that you looked at me differently than the other templars did. I wasn't sure what to make of it at first, until that one, fateful day." She turned back to him, and smiled broadly. "It was you, wasn't it?"

"It was me what?" he asked. He had listened intently to her words, taking in everything she had said.

"The book." She then took her hands from behind her back and brought them to the front. In them was the leather bound book that he saw her carry everywhere she went. "This was from you, wasn't it?" she asked him, staring at the book and feeling its leatherface.

Cullen softened. "I was hoping you would think it was from one of your friends."

"Then apparently you know more about me than you do them," she smiled. "At first I did think it might've been one of them, but then realized it couldn't have been. Jowan would've wanted to give it to me himself, because he knew how important it was to me. And even though Keiven would've done something like what you did, he would eventually have told me it was him as he is horrible at keeping secrets." She chuckled at this. "So there was only one other person. One other that knew enough about me to know I was searching, but couldn't give it to me himself. And that's when I realized, that's when I knew how you felt about me." This time, she did look up and stared into his eyes. He couldn't see them well enough, as they seemed to be covered in shadow due to the position of the moon in the sky. Its light was all on him.

Cullen smiled at her, knowing it was no use hiding what he felt for her anymore. "Yes," he said.

"How did you get it?" she asked, squeezing the book to her chest. "I looked everywhere and never even dreamt that I would see it again."

He took a step closer to her. "I have... my ways," he said. "It was difficult, yes, but... I knew it would make you happy."

She took a step toward him as well, making them only inches away from each other. "Thank you," she said. "I mean it." He listened to her, but lost himself when she stepped into the moonlight. Her eyes seemed to be intensified by it. They shined brilliantly and he could see all the shades of green within them.

At that moment, everything about the battle that had been raging inside his head vanished. How could it be wrong to love this woman? How could it be wrong to care? Everything then seemed to piece together perfectly in a way Cullen had never thought before. He could still love her and perform his duty. Unlike with priests, whose vows devoted themselves in mind, body, and soul to the Maker, his vows only had him serving and protecting. He could still do just that while also loving her. There was no way the Maker would condemn him for it. After all, the Maker knew how he felt. He, Himself had fallen in love with a woman. Was it so bad to follow in the Maker's footsteps?

He watched as Esumi slowly breathed in and out, totally hypnotized by everything about her.

"I don't know what you plan on doing with the knowledge I have given you," she said. "But whatever you decide, whatever you wish to do... know that I do not want to force you to do something you don't want to do. I don't want you to do something you may regret."

"Esumi," he said, looking her square in the eyes. "There is nothing about you that I would regret."

He didn't lose control, not this time. No, this time it was all him as he took her in his arms and kissed her, pressing his lips to hers. At first she did not respond, but in an instant, she opened her lips to him, letting him in and they kissed passionately in the moonlight. There was also no armor in between them, so now he could truly feel her. Her smooth body pressed against his chest. His arms completely wrapped around her waist. She dropped the book, sending an echo through the room, but they didn't pay attention.

When they unlocked, both breathed in heavily as they needed air. He took her head in his hands and gazed into her eyes. He wanted to hold her, wanted to feel her, wanted her so close to him that they could become one. He went to remove his hand from her face, but she stopped him, covering his hand with her own.

"Don't," she said. "I've… I've actually wanted this for a while. To feel you touch me."

"Esumi. It's… the same for me," he said closing his eyes. The feel of her warm skin on his palm was intoxicating. "Watching you from a distance, wanting to just speak to you, let alone touch you… it was nothing more than a dream. A silly little-"

"Shh," Esumi said softly as she placed a finger to his lips, causing Cullen to open his eyes. "It's no longer just a dream. For the two of us. You can touch me now. Just like you're doing. And…" She looked nervous, her cheeks a light pink. "I want you… to touch me more."

Cullen couldn't deny he wanted to, and even felt his whole body stiffen at the thought. This was also something that had plagued his mind and corrupted his thoughts. "Are you sure?" he asked.

"I am," she said as she placed her hands on his chest. "I'm sure you know what can happen to a mage that is liked by templars in an unsophisticated way."

Cullen knew what she was talking about, and had even overheard other templars brag about it. He had even heard other templars say who they would like to do it to, which included Esumi's name. He had done his best to make sure those templars stayed away from Esumi the best he could. "That would never happen to you," he said stern. "There aren't any templars in here that would do that to you. I would make sure of that."

"I don't doubt that, but you won't always be there to protect me. And even if this is sudden, I decided I do want it to be you. That is if," she said while undoing the buttons of his shirt. "If you want to."

Cullen let his arms fall to his sides, his shirt falling off his arms and onto the floor. "I will do anything to protect you," he whispered. "And I understand, so if it is your wish…"

Esumi marveled at his chest, his muscles gleaming in the moon and star light. She gently stroked her fingers across his chest. Her touch sending electric charges through his skin and spread all over his body. He took one of her hands, and began kissing it, making his way to her wrist where he stopped, feeling the silky fabric of her robe on his lips.

Esumi took her hand and reached behind her back to untie the belt. It fell to the floor and her robe began to unwrap itself from around her. It hung on her shoulders, only allowing a small window to the inside. Cullen slowly moved his hands past the fabric and felt her flesh on his. He closed his eyes and brought her close, feeling her bare chest on his. He soon craved her, wanted her, needed her. Everything around him was a complete blur. Nothing mattered anymore to him but her.

He felt her hand touch his chin and her lips find his. He felt her robe slide off her shoulders and glide to the floor. He squeezed her tighter as her hands gripped his face and they kissed deeper than before. Grabbing her hips, he picked her up and gently laid her on her back. He hovered over her, their lips never parting as he jerked off his trousers and removed his and her smallclothes. He could feel his hardness pulsating as he longed to be near her, close and safe. He positioned himself in between her legs, feeling the heat coming from her sex as it tickled the tip of his erection, intoxicating him.

Esumi took her hands from his face as well as her mouth and looked up at him with a face of uncertainty. "Are you still sure?" she asked softly.

Cullen took a deep breath as he placed his forehead on hers. "I haven't been more sure about anything in my life." That was all she needed as she smiled and brought him back down to her lips.

Slowly he entered her, inch by inch, feeling her warmth and softness. He had to take his mouth from hers in order to concentrate, as the feeling was exotic and intense. He slowly began moving in and out, gritting his teeth and moaning slightly as the feeling washed over him.

Esumi began moaning along with him. Her hands gripped his back and she closed her eyes and pressed her head to the floor. Cullen began to go faster, picking up speed as he gained more control of himself. He had to tell himself to breathe, as sometimes he would hold his breath at the intensity. Her fingernails dug into his flesh as he went. She writhed beneath him in her own ecstasy as she arched her back, bucked up her hips, and matched his tempo.

Cullen then realized something as he looked down on her, as he felt his knees pressing into the cold marble floor. They still hadn't put a mattress down... typical. And he was allowing Esumi to lay on the hardness.

Wrapping his arm around her back, Cullen scooped her up and rolled onto his back with her on top of him. The coldness of the marble hit his back, nearly bringing him out of the moment, but he was swept right back in when he felt Esumi on his hips. She had been startled at first from the sudden position change, but soon regained herself and settled back on his erection. He felt her slide down, going deeper than before until she fully engulfed him. She then began her own rhythm, going back and forth, tempo picking up speed as she found a firm stance with her hands on either side of his chest.

Their moans and cries began anew. Cullen grabbed her hips and helped her along, pressing her further down on him. He bent his knees, gripping her tightly as she picked up speed, going faster and faster. He could feel his control slipping. Feel as the pressure inside him grew before he couldn't hold it in any longer.

She pressed down on him hard, and he felt her clamp all around him, squeezing him tighter. It was enough to send him over the edge and he spilled inside her. The pressure releasing and spreading pure ecstasy all over his body.

Esumi went limp and fell on his chest. They both breathed hard and were covered in sweat despite the coldness of the floor. Cullen wrapped his arms around her, while she curled up on his chest, digging her face into his neck. He kissed her forehead, and gently rocked her back and forth. Their connection still intact.

"I love you," she whispered in his ear.

"I love you, too," he said back, happy to finally be able to say it out loud.

A/N: What helped inspire me to write this part was a song called 'Sink or Swim' by Tyrone Wells. It's a really good song that I hear all the time at work. If you listen to it, you'll notice I used some of the lyrics, in a way, cause they're really good ones and you can tell he's singing from the heart.