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You feel like you're floating in limbo.
It's not very comfortable, because it means that you can't say anything when you see Lee spending more time in the picture, and even though you seem to have come to a silent agreement when you knock on her window, or when you have to sneak her into your room so your dad won't hear, it's still limbo and you don't like it.
You want more of her, not just when she wants to give you what she thinks you want.
You'll take it for now, because at least it's something.
And then along comes Grant. He sweeps you off your feet and pays attention to you in a way that you crave. So you give in, only to be proven wrong when you catch him red handed in his desperation to impress. He begs for a second chance at your door and even though you agree, it doesn't stop you from waiting until he's gone before take off again.
That night you're a little rougher than you would usually be, but you don't see or hear her complain.
When you wake up the next morning, you see a text on your phone saying 'good morning beautiful.' You want to smile, but you struggle moving the muscles. You hear the words from behind you, when she rolls over, presses a kiss to your bare shoulder and pulls you closer. You smile into your pillow and shuffle a little further into the fantasy from your wildest dream.
And then you realise where you were and you mutter that you need to leave.
It only occurs to you how much this is turning into that thing you had silently agreed that it wouldn't.
So you confide in Melissa and she tells you to go for it with the boy who wants to make it up to you, and for Faye to go for the guy who practices voodoo and has a craving for power that's bigger than her own.
"When did she become so insightful?" you ask over coffee a few days later. The bite marks on your shoulders and the scratches across your ribs still sting and you can tell that the bruising is going to last a little while.
"After we saved her last week," comes back at you. It's just the two of you left now.
"I'm pretty sure she saved herself." You both agree on that.
"That's explains why she isn't insightful enough." You question her comment. "She has yet to figure it out. It's been over a month. I thought she would have noticed by now."
You chuckle awkwardly, and brush your fingers along her shoulder when you leave. A promise to leave the door unlocked tonight.
And then everything starts to fly by. Blackwell's return. The discovery of a second child within the circle. The information about certain activities coming to light between the blonde and your ex. Your inability to get into the mines. Faye's determination to prove that she was the one with dark magic, only to try and stop a drug dealer on a motorbike, and you having to push her out of the way.
You wanted to yell at her. For being so reckless. But really it's because she scared the ever loving shit out of you and you don't like having your heart in your throat.
You told her so later that night, after Grant had left and you had run from your house after being named the second Balcoin child.
She keeps you distracted by playing with your hands or your hair or forcing you to have a meaningless conversation with her until you fell asleep, your head on her shoulder.
You can't decide what you need to focus on first; the guy you thought you liked left town because you couldn't tell him anything; the man who had raised you from birth wasn't your actual father; you had a sister; you had fallen in love.
You just wanted to disappear, have some time to yourself, but if she wasn't there with you, there was no doubt that you'd probably go crazy.
You told her that, mumbled it really as you hugged her side and tangled your feet together.
She had fallen asleep playing with your hair, but hadn't pulled away in any way, shape or form. An arm around your shoulders, her chin resting gently against your head.
You guessed that you would just have to stay in limbo a little while longer.
You wondered how long it would take before you broke.
And who would be there to pick up the pieces.
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