Chapter 11 – Standing Still
AN: This is dedicated to my muse. I am forever grateful.
Katniss POV –
My senses are filled with the aroma of cheese buns. I tightened my arms around Peeta as I held on to him in front of my door. He was on his way back to his home after dropping off my favorite cheese buns. I caught him as he placed the basket on my porch. I ripped my door open and grabbed him. He had a look of shock on his face as I wrapped my arms around him. He returned my hug a second later. I wanted to kiss him but thought better of it.
"It's really early and I didn't want to disturb you," he explained his early morning delivery. The sun was peeking through the horizon. "I couldn't sleep so I thought I make a batch."
"Thank you, Peeta," I said. "And not just for the bread." My voice was muffled as I laid my head on his chest. His heart was beating so fast. I wondered if he felt mine beating hard as well.
The last few days have been the most peaceful I have ever felt in my entire life. He had been baking 'my cheese buns' since the first day he started baking. I giggled as I realized that the smell lingered on Peeta's shirt and skin. I remembered that morning waking up to an empty bed feeling the loss and rejection of Peeta leaving my side. I hated myself for knowing that was what he felt when I left him the first night we spent together. The pain was deep and it wounded me to my soul. I hurt him again without the intent to injure him but I left him just the same. I would have been angry and resentful had Peeta done that to me. But kind and gentle Peeta didn't leave me, not the way I left him and abandoned him without a word or explanation for my disappearance. I thought back with great fondness of the first morning he had started to bake again.
Flashback – a few days ago
I got off my bed without a thought of my appearance and ran down the stairs with gleeful anticipation of seeing Peeta in my kitchen with bread on my table. All sorts of scenarios ran through my mind as I would run up to him, hug him close and kiss him. Thanking him for staying with me and not leaving me alone. I was surprised and disappointed to find everyone, and I mean everyone from Delly, Haymitch, Johanna, Sae and Tamryn preparing breakfast as Peeta cooked eggs in the kitchen. Delly was making coffee, while Sae sat with Tamryn as Haymitch placed plates and cups on the table. Peeta had changed clothes from last night as I noticed flour dust on his arms, shirt and sleeves. It was a sight I will never forget. My Boy with the Bread woke up early to bake. My Peeta was on the slow journey to returning to me.
My trance was interrupted by Johanna's loud and boisterous voice.
"Well, it's about time you woke up. Everyone had been waiting for you to get up and join us for breakfast," she announced as she led me by the arm. I sat down and looked back at the kitchen hoping for Peeta to join us. Delly waved a hand in front of my face.
"Katniss? How are you feeling this morning?" Delly asked. "Did you get enough sleep?" She winked at me and snuck a look at Peeta as he walked into the dining room with a large platter of scrambled eggs.
"I feel fine, Delly. I had the best sleep of my life," I answered as I blushed at Delly's implication.
"I bet you did." Johanna added as she turned to her roommate. "So Peeta the next time you have a sleep over at Katniss' place, please let me know so I won't have a freak out that someone might have abducted you. I nearly had a heart attack when I saw your empty bed last night."
"Hey, we didn't know you were coming back so soon," Delly said. "You've been gone a few days. You should have at least told us when you were coming home." She stood in front of Johanna with coffee pot still in hand. It was a strange sight watching Delly reprimanding her. She just smirked back at the petite blond ignoring her.
"Had I known that Peeta was in great hands, I wouldn't have rushed back," Johanna teased. "So how long have you two been slee…"
"That's enough, Johanna," Haymitch interrupted as he eyed Peeta who was quiet throughout the whole exchange. Peeta stared at the platter of eggs in front of him as he sat across me. I noticed his pink cheeks and ears; a blush tinged his fair skin. Peeta who was in need of a haircut with his long curly locks, rosy cheeks and glazed eyes was blushing. He looked up for a second and looked back down as I caught his eyes.
"So Katniss, do you want coffee or tea this morning?" someone asked me.
"Huh?" I said as I turned to the voice speaking to me. It was Delly at my side with a big smile planted on her face. "I'm sorry Delly, what did you say?"
"Katniss, you can stare at Peeta after breakfast. Do you want coffee or tea this morning?" she asked again in a slow teasing manner.
"Tea, please," I croaked from embarrassment. I looked up to see everyone except Peeta smiling back at me. The atmosphere around us was light and easy. It was a good morning.
"Peeta, can I please have a cheese bun by myself?" Tamryn asked. She was seated next to him as the famous bread was being passed along the table. Her eyes were big as saucers.
"I don't know, Tamryn," Peeta spoke to her with a smile on his face. "Are you sure you can handle a whole one by yourself?" He turned to Sae who nodded her head for approval.
Peeta placed a bun on her plate. She took a big bite on the cheesy bread. "Whoa, there, take a small bite and slow down," Peeta chuckled. It was wonderful to see him with Tamryn, gentle and sweet; like a father tending to his little girl. My heart skipped a beat as I watched him take the bread from Tamryn and cut manageable pieces for her.
"This is so good, Peeta. I remember you telling me about your cheese buns," Johanna said as she too took a bite and chewed a mouth full. "Wow, you've been holding out on us."
"I told you they were the best," Delly chimed in as she placed one on her plate. Haymitch and Sae were both chewing away to bother with words of their enjoyment.
I looked at Peeta who gazed back at me. I couldn't find the words to describe that moment as his eyes connected with mine. I glanced around the table as we all had breakfast together. The sense of joy and love surrounded me. It was a feeling I long to repeat with Peeta by my side. I mouthed, 'Thank you," to him. He smiled back.
End of flashback –
"Katniss?" a voice cut through my memory. I jumped and released my arms from Peeta. I was surprised and startled by the intrusion. "I didn't meant to disturb you…" Hazelle Hawthorne announced herself looking a bit uncomfortable of seeing me with Peeta. I grabbed his hand and felt him stiffen as Hazelle approached us.
"Hazelle," I said. "It's good to see you." I turned to Peeta who had a blank look on his face.
"I know it's been a long time, but I thought I come by to see you," she said. "Hello, Peeta. I don't know if you remembered me, I'm Hazelle Hawthorne." She walked up to us and extended her hand to him. He looked at her for a second as if he was trying to remember who she was.
"Yes, I remember you. Hello, Mrs. Hawthorne," he said in formal and well-mannered tone. He extended his hand in a short handshake. "I was just leaving. It's good to see you. I hope that you're family is well?" Underneath his cool demeanor, his hand shook a bit and his eyes were focused. He was so polite and civil; this was the Peeta I adored and admired during the games and the tour. Under pressure and stress he was charming as ever. However I can tell that her appearance jolted him knowing that he was in the presence of Gale's mother.
"We are all fine, Peeta. I thank you for asking," she said. She had a worried brow arched on her forehead as she looked at our clasped hands.
"Excuse me, Katniss, but I should get going," Peeta said as he turned to me. He bowed his head and left. My stomach dropped with the feeling of him leaving my side.
"He looks well, Katniss," Hazelle admitted as she watched him head towards his home. "He needs to gain some weight. He's so skinny." Spoken like a true mother concern for a well fare of a child.
"We know," I said and sighed. "We all have tried to get him to eat more but since coming back it's been difficult for him to stomach more than a bowl full." It was apparent whenever I would wrap my arms around him. His waist was slim and limbs scrawny. We stood there in awkward silence. "I'm sorry, Hazelle, where are my manners? Would you like to come inside?" 'I'm Effie,' my mind echoed. She would be so proud of me right now. I walked over to my door and entered my home. She followed after me eyeing my fancy hi-tech door.
"Please make yourself comfortable while I get us some tea," I said as I marched to my kitchen and set a kettle to my stove. I took a deep breath and walked back to my living room.
"I hope you don't mind my visit. I thought under the circumstances I would pay my respects," she said as she placed her hands on her lap. "I know that it was Prim's birthday a few days ago."
My breath hitched at the memory of her birthday. "I went to see you that day but Mr. Abernathy told me that you were not seeing visitors at the time." I nodded my head in confirmation. "I would have paid a you a call earlier, but it's been a difficult adjustment coming back to 12."
"It's all right, Hazelle," I assured her. "No need for you to worry over me. You have your own family to take care of. I've been taking of myself for a long time now. Coming back to 12 has been to difficult for everyone, I think." It was true. The first few months were a blur to me. If it wasn't for Haymitch and Sae I don't know where I would be right now.
"Besides, it was not a good time for me to receive visitors that day, Hazelle," I apologized. "I didn't want to see anyone."
"I know, Gale told me as well," she said. "He stopped by a few times, and Mr. Abernathy was adamant that you were not taking visitors. You can imagine Gale's reaction to not being able to see you." I didn't realize that Gale had paid me a visit. I didn't even know he came back to 12. I sighed in relief for Haymitch's intervention and protective instinct.
" I didn't realize that he was back," I said.
"He was worried about you. He knew that it was a difficult time for you," she told. Irritation and aggravation simmered in my belly. Who the hell was he to be concern like a lover for my wellbeing? I had already written him off out of my life after his attempt to attack Peeta weeks ago.
"I'm fine, Hazelle. Please tell Gale that I'm well and doing fine," I said in a dismissive tone. I tried to check my anger in but Hazelle had been a like a mother to me since my father's passing. She didn't deserve my wrath and impatience. She saw my anger and discomfort of mentioning her son's name.
"I don't understand, Katniss," she continued. "He should be by our side in times like this."
I glanced back at her in confusion. "In times like this?" I repeated.
"If you intend to have a relationship with him, you can't push him away, Katniss," she reprimanded me. "You need to let him take care and support you." I inwardly scoffed in seething anger and distaste as she continued with her concern. "He loves you and wants to be there for you. I know that times are confusing and Peeta needs care, but you should not be giving Peeta mixed signals in your relationship with him." She paused. "People do not understand the bond you have with him. And Gale has been very understanding and patient. But it's time that you let Peeta go. He's not your responsibility anymore."
How dare she dictate my behavior and decision to take care of Peeta. Even if I was with Gale and I'm not, she was lecturing me on how to navigate my relationship with Peeta and her son. Her damn over bloated egocentric son who didn't know how to let things go. Especially with his delusion of 'our relationship.'
I eyed her for a moment and sighed to myself. My patience was wearing thin, not only had she interrupted my time with Peeta she was telling to let him go and what to do. "What has Gale been telling you about me and him, Hazelle?" I asked as my eyes narrowed.
"Listen, Katniss," she said in a soft tone. "I'm only looking after my son's best interest. I don't meant to interfere but Peeta is no longer a concerned of yours. Gale loves you and you love him. Don't have Peeta come between you again."
"Again?" I erupted.
"He came between you and Gale after the first reaping," she explained. "Gale was patient then, but the games are over. He told me everything, how you pretended to be in love with Peeta and married him to survive. You don't have to pretend anymore. That time is over. You and Gale helped free Panem from the Capitol. It's time that you reaped the rewards by devoting yourself to your relationship. You've gone through so much together."
I laughed so hard I almost fell off the sofa. Hazelle looked at me as if I lost my mind. The tears in my eyes blurred my vision. I can hear Gale regaling his stories to his mother of how we stood together, fighting side by side against the odds. He painted us as two lovers and companions fighting for Panem.
"I don't know what your son has been telling you, but," I said as I contained my laughter, "Gale and I are not, nor have we ever been in a relationship. He has and has always been my best friend. Nothing more."
"That is not what he's been telling me," Hazelle contracted me. "And if I remember correctly that is not what I saw in District 13. Weren't you developing a relationship with him back then?"
"There wasn't anything going on between us. I was in a middle of rallying the districts and spear heading a rebellion," I said as I defended my actions. "He was there to comfort and support me, nothing more. When did you think I had time for romance or developing a relationship with Gale? We were both busy in the campaign to free the districts from Snow. If he read more than that, that's his problem. As for Peeta, my feelings and relationship with him are my own and no one else's concern."
"Gale said that what you had with Peeta wasn't real but manufactured by you and Mr. Abernathy," she said. "He said that Snow made you pretend to be in love with Peeta."
My mind spun with guilt and shame. It was true that I was forced to pretend that I loved Peeta. But it didn't cancel the fact that I was in a state of confusion for my feelings for him. I knew I felt something but I was in survival mode and the concept of love was foreign to me. Peeta understood that and never pushed for anything more than friendship.
"Now that it's over, Gale said that you're just confused and feel obligated to taking care of him," she continued. "He told me that you feel a sense of duty and guilt because of what had happened to him at the Capitol. But it's time for you to let Peeta go. For Gale's sake."
"Hazelle, you've known me most of my life," I reminded her. "When have I ever been confused or not certain of what's on my mind? Please understand this, I do not feel any obligation or sense of duty as Gale says about Peeta. I chose Peeta on my own free will. I want Peeta. I chose him. Gale has not been willing to accept my choice and my decision."
"I see, so all this time he's been lying to me," Hazelle realized. "I see now that I was wrong to assume that what Gale told me was true. I cannot believe my son would tell me a bold face lie." She sighed with a look of confusion on her face. "Telling me that you're not in love with Peeta but feel sorry for him. I should have known better to ask you for the truth. It didn't make any sense. I couldn't understand why you two kept your distance for so many months if you were both in a relationship."
"I'm sorry that you're that disappointed," I said.
"I am disappointed," she revealed. "I'm disappointed that my son has been lying to me and fabricating such an elaborate lie. I should have confronted him when I saw the video of you to fighting at the train station."
I had forgotten about that. My reunion with Gale all those months ago left me angry and resentful. Who knew where I would be with Peeta had he not shown up that fateful day.
"I didn't mean for that to happen," I said. "He just showed up suddenly and…"
"No need to explain, Katniss. I believe that I have to have a long conversation with my son," she said. "And I owe you an apology."
"No you don't," I admitted. "Gale should be the one apologizing to the both of us for his lies and deception." Hazelle nodded in agreement.
"So you are in love with Peeta?" she asked. Her question took me by surprise. Other than Haymitch, Delly and Johanna, they were the only ones who knew the truth of my feelings for Peeta.
I couldn't reveal to Hazelle of what I had not been able to admit to Peeta first. "What I feel for him is my business. But what I can tell you is that Gale and I are not in a relationship. Nor did we have one while we were in District 13. I know that my behavior contradicts that. But I was lonely and scared. I was scared about everything. I sought comfort with Gale. I…used him. 'As I have used Peeta during the games.' I held my breath. "As for Gale, after what he's done, I cannot and will not be able to forgive him. Even if he does accept my feelings for Peeta, we are no longer friends."
"I don't understand, Katniss," Hazelle said in surprise. "What has he done to tear your friendship apart? What is so horrible to destroy years of companionship and friendship?"
"You have to ask him," I said trying to suppress the tears that formed in my eyes. "Ask him what's his involvement in regards to Prim's death."
Hazelle gasped, "What do you mean Prim's death?"
"Just ask him to tell you the truth," I said. The pain of losing Prim was still fresh in my mind and my heart. "I'm sorry but I don't want to talk about it anymore. Thank you for remembering Prim's birthday, but I am fine. I have family and friends who support and comfort me."
"He's been your family too, Katniss," she said. "Don't give up on what you had with him. All he's ever wanted was you."
I cringed. Throughout my time with Gale, he had never attempted or expressed his true feelings for me. By the time he did, I was too conflicted and resented the emotion placed upon me. Both Gale and Peeta declared their feelings for me at the wrong time and place. I had not been receptive to either of them.
"I never wanted or sought that kind of relationship with anyone, Hazelle," I explained. "Love, marriage and children were something I never intended to have with anyone, even with Peeta and especially with Gale. He was my friend. I didn't think of him that way."
"I think Gale knew that," Hazelle said. "But he always thought that maybe, with time and patience he could have made you change your mind. I mean, how long did you think you could have survived without a husband to care for you? He loved you and wanted to take care of you."
Why does society assume that without a husband a woman couldn't survive? It was this archaic social obligation and way of life that forced women to marry or do anything to survive. Even to marry without love in a relationship. I did love Gale but not in the same way my mother loved my father. I saw what love did to my mother and to me and Prim.
"I loved your son like a brother," I said. "I have told Gale time and again. If I lost him as my friend and brother because he's too stubborn to accept my choice, then so be it. I have a new family now."
"I'd like to think that I am family too, Katniss," Hazelle said. "I know that you're mother isn't here. Please don't think that losing her didn't crush her too."
My mother was another sore subject in my life. To be abandoned emotionally was bad enough, but to be abandoned yet again to live on my own was another matter. It was hard to see her point of view. What kind of mother abandoned her children when they had needed them the most? It was unforgiveable and despicable.
"Have you seen or spoken to her since your arrival at 12?" she asked. I shook my head. My throat tightened as I tried to speak without breaking down.
"Nor do I expect her to," I answered. "She has pretty much written me off of her life living at District 4."
"Katniss, please give her a chance…" she pleaded.
"A chance to do what exactly?" I interjected. "No, this subject is over and nothing you say or do will make me want to continue this conversation." I wrapped my arms around my waist. I felt lost and angry. My day had started well when Peeta appeared on my doorstep. I had hoped to spend the day with him. It was ruined with the appearance of Gale's mother on my doorstep, playing matchmaker for her son.
"I'm sorry, Katniss. Please forgive me for interfering and my misunderstanding of your relationship with Gale," she added. "Just please know that I am here for you. Your friendship with Gale may be over, but I am still your friend."
"Thank you, I would like that," I admitted since she was the only mother figure in my life. The thought stung as I thought about my own mother living in District 4.
"As for Peeta, I'm happy that he's the one that helped you find love," Hazelle said. "Since the games, I knew that he loved you sincerely and wholeheartedly. He was so smitten. Everyone can see it. I think even Gale did too. You're lucky to have each other after everything you both have been through." I hugged her in thanks for her understanding even if it meant breaking her son's heart.
"I'm sorry Hazelle," I said. "I don't know what Gale thought he could accomplish by lying to you about our relationship. It was never my intention to lead him on."
"Gale has never been the same since you were reaped," she said. "I don't think he realized how much you've changed. How much we all have changed."
I shook my head in agreement. You couldn't help but be altered after surviving the games. It changed you in ways you couldn't anticipate. You saw people and the world in a different manner. Peeta and all the victors understood that. Gale couldn't. He couldn't admit that I changed too. He wanted the old Katniss before the reaping. That is whom he fell in love with and he couldn't love and accept who I am now.
"And Katniss," Hazelle eyed me with a smile on her face. "You can't help who you fall in love with. You of all people should know that." I thought of my seam father who fell for a merchant girl and married her against all odds.
With a promise to keep in touch regardless of my relationship with Gale, we parted in good spirits even though our relationships were changed between us.
That night after dinner, I knew what I had to do. My talk with Hazelle sparked a fire within me. There were no more class divisions, no more games and no one to come between us. We had only spent that one night together. I wanted more but was afraid to ask. With a confident stride on my step, I walked over to Peeta's house and knocked on his door. He opened it with a surprised and shocked look in his face. I didn't even see Johanna behind me. Her presence didn't register until I took his hand and led him upstairs. I tried not to blush so hard as Johanna stared after us. Her face held a wide and toothy smile as she nodded in approval. I was being clear and direct with my intentions. What I couldn't say with words, I hope was understood by my actions. Without a word, we prepared ourselves for the night and slipped into bed together. I reached over to Peeta and placed my head on his chest. I held on to him all night.
The next morning I found myself alone in Peeta's bed. As I expected he was downstairs baking bread. The aroma saturated the air. Thom was right; it was the smell that will always remind me of home and most of all, Peeta. I walked down to find him concentrating on kneading bread in his kitchen.
"Peeta," I said. "I'm going back to my house for breakfast. Why don't you and Johanna join me when you're done baking?"
"Okay, we'll be there in 20 minutes. I'll see if my roommate is up and about." he said as he pulled a sheet of buns out of his oven.
After breakfast with lightness I had not felt in a long time, I dared to visit the one place I avoided since returning to 12. My meadow; the sanctuary from the seam and the rest of Panem. My haven; the one place that belonged only to my father and me. Though I had shared this with Gale, I had never brought him with me. It was a sacred place.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. The air drifted through my nose with a scent of wildflowers, leaves and earth. I felt reawaken, a rebirth and healing of my scarred heart and soul. I will always miss Prim. Nothing and no one can replace the love I had for my dear little sister. I felt her presence with me as if she placed a hand on my shoulder. Peeta and Haymitch were right. For as longed I as love and remember her, she will never be forgotten. She will always be with me in spirit. My peace and tranquility was disrupted by a voice I had not wanted to hear for a long time.
"Catnip?" Gale said. There he stood all in black, shoulders straight with his arms on his sides. He looked grim as his eyes focused on me, his mouth in a straight line. There was a glint in his eyes that frightened me that I raised my bow at him. "I've been wanting to talk to you for days."
"Well, you found me," I said as I dropped my bow lower but not placed it aside. "It hasn't been a good time for me, Gale. You should know that."
"I would have been there for you," he announced. "I should have been with you when you needed me."
I blinked a couple of times. Did he honestly think that I wanted the one person who caused my sister's death to comfort me on her birthday? 'He's delusional,' the thought popped in my mind.
"You were the last person I needed or wanted to see, Gale," I said as I checked my anger in. My grip on my bow and arrowed tighten.
"How many times do I have to tell you that it wasn't my fault," he seethed. He brought out his anger instead of understanding. If he wanted to comfort me, anger was the least of the emotion he the right to have. "You won't even see my side or point of view."
My mind spun realizing that I was going in circles with my attempt to be patient with Gale. He wanted me and he couldn't stand the idea of my rejection of his love and affection. But what probably stung more or bruised his ego was my desire and choice to be with Peeta. Then I remembered the conversation I had with Johanna months ago. I drew my bow down to my side and held the arrow in my right hand.
"I love you, I had loved you all my life," he proclaimed. "I should have told you from the start. I may have not loved you since I was five, but I loved you just as fiercely and maybe even more so. I know you, Katniss like I know the back of my hand. He…will never understand what we've been through, what we had. We loved each other before he came along." I knew he was drawing comparisons to Peeta's devotion and love for me. "We belong together. We were a team and we can be again if just let yourself."
I was never his to begin with. I never belonged to anyone. He was right; I didn't let myself be with anyone. But that had already changed without my knowing or acknowledging it. It or HE crept up on me like a sun on the horizon.
I knew what I had to do both Johanna and Haymitch predicted it. "I love you Gale," I said with a clear and strong voice. He smiled so wide as if something in him burst. "But I'm in love with Peeta. I love you like a brother who protected and supported me through the worst times in my life. But I don't love you like I love him." The words flowed with such ease that something in me lifted. I felt guilty since my first declaration of love for Peeta wasn't him. I announced it to Gale instead. "I desire him, I want him with a passion I never knew that existed in me." His happy face dropped and anger replaced it. "He is and has been all I ever wanted or desired. I love Peeta Mellark not you Gale. Do you understand and hear me clearly. I don't want to be with you that way, I don't feel for you like the way I feel for Peeta."
"You never gave me the chance to be with you," he spat in anger. "You could have felt the same way with me if given the chance."
"It wouldn't have happened because I was with you everyday, and that thought never crossed my mind," I explained. "We would have never worked. We have so much anger, resentment and bitterness between us, it would have destroyed us. You wanted things I could never give you."
"You can't say that," he responded. "Ever since the reaping you changed, you're not the same Katniss I knew and loved." He was right. I came back different; I was disillusioned, frightened and resentful of the things that had happened to me. I resented Peeta for most of it. Peeta brought out things and feelings I never contemplated before. "Even now with your new friends, they changed you. Before the first game, you would have never been friends with Delly Cartwright and her Capitol boyfriend. She's stupid and vapid to be considered as a friend when we were in school. Johanna would have pissed you off. Haymitch, a drunk and useless old man is part of your new family. And bread boy," his voice dripped with disgust. "He amongst all of them changed you."
"I am different. The games changed me. The war turned my life up side down," I yelled. "And you killed my sister." My voice grew hoarse as I looked at him. "How much more do you need to understand that I wasn't in love with you even before Prim's death? I needed your support and comfort as a friend."
"Because you never gave me the chance. I have never loved anyone but you," he said as he took a step forward and grabbed me by the arms. "Let me show you." He dipped his head and kissed me hard. I was shocked by his bold move even now. I squirmed from his grip. I was certain that I would have bruises on my forearms. He tried to force my lips open with his tongue that I turned my head.
"Stop Gale, you're hurting me," I gasped.
"And you're hurting me with your denial of what we are to each other. You love me not him," he pleaded. His grip lessened. It was enough for me to raise my right hand and swing the arrow across his face. The tip grazed his face that he reacted in pain and shock. He released me and placed a hand on his bloody cheek. This was the third time that I have struck him, what more does he need to get a clue?
I stepped back and drew my bow and arrow. "Don't ever touch me again," I erupted in anger and humiliation. "Just step away from me. What must I do to convince you that I don't want you?"
"Shoot me, kill me because that will be the only thing that will stop me from wanting you," he gasped as he took a step towards me. He placed a hand on his taser.
"Don't!" I threatened him as I pointed an arrow to his hand. "What do you think you're going to do? Taser me? Walk away Gale. This is over. We're over."
"Catnip?" he pleaded.
"My name is Katniss. Catnip doesn't exist anymore," I said. "Just like he boy I used to know, the boy I hunted with. Just leave before you destroy any fond memory I had of him." Gale looked at me with anger and shame in his eyes.
"I love you, Katniss," he exclaimed. "I'm sorry you can't see how good we are together. He will never make you happy."
"He already has," I corrected him. "Please just turn around and walk away. What happened here between us, I want to forget." I drew my bow at him. He turned. "And Gale, one more thing, don't you ever touch Peeta in any way. If anything happens to him because of you, I will come after you." It wasn't a threat; it was a promise. I lost Prim because of him and there is hell to pay if anything happened to Peeta. He shot me an angry look and walked away.
I ran home as fast as I could. My heart was beating so fast and hard that I thought it was going to burst. The encounter with Gale left me scared and angry. He became someone I didn't recognize and the unfamiliar scared me. He frightened me. And when I'm scared I get angry, I'm angry at Gale for our confrontation and I'm angry at Hazelle for disrupting my plans. I leaned against my door thankful for the safety my home provided. I would have sought comfort from Peeta but didn't want to taint my time with him of lingering thoughts of Gale and our encounter. I stayed indoors and reflected on the visit that I had with the Hawthornes. They were people who I once felt safety and comfort. That feeling was now a distant memory. I am saddened at the realization of how much I had lost after the rebellion.
For dinner I ate the rest of the soup I made the night before with some cheese buns. Peeta made sure that I never was out of his bread. As I finished washing the dishes, I heard a scream coming out of Peeta's house. It was a female scream and I realized that it's Johanna. I ran out my door with bow on hand. Haymitch, Delly, Bron and I reached his door. As we all rushed in it was a sight I have never thought I would ever see. A tearful Peeta held on to a crying and sobbing Johanna. Her nails were digging into his back as I watched Peeta winced in pain. He saw all of us enter his home.
He extended a hand in gesture to stop us from entering further into the room. "Please just stop, all of you. Stand back," he instructured as he placed his hand over Johanna's back in a calm and soothing gesture. Delly pulled Haymitch and me back.
"Peeta, are you guys okay?" Haymitch asked. He had a wicked polearm in his hand. The tip held a long and narrow point like an end of an arrow. Bron had his taser in his right hand. It was odd seeing him in long dark brown pants with a cream colored T-shirt. He was unrecognizable without his uniform.
"Hey, it's okay, Johanna. I'm here like I said I would be. They're not coming to hurt us. See it's just Haymitch, Katniss and Delly. See? And you remember Bron. He's our friend." He talked in soft and calm tone, whispering to her. "We're okay, Jo. You, me, and Annie are all right. We're home with people who love us and take care of us." He looked up at Delly and gestured to her. "Delly, you remember her right? She's been taking care of us for some time now. Telling us her really bad jokes and stories."
She walked past us and knelt down to hug them both. "What happened Peeta?" she asked as Johanna continued to cry. "Shh, Jo, it's me Delly, remember me?" Johanna whimpered and sobbed into Peeta's shirt.
"I'm sorry, Jo. It's my fault," Peeta said as tears tracked down his face. "The washing machine wasn't working so I was soaking my shirts in my tub." He held her close to him as he winced from her Johanna's tight grip.
I didn't understand what he meant. "She was triggered by the water in the tub," he explained. Then, I knew. Haymitch once explained that Johanna was tortured by submerging her head in water via drowning her or placing a cloth over her face as her abusers poured water over her nose and mouth. "I'm sorry, Johanna. I'm sorry," he repeated as he comforted her. "It's my fault."
"I thought…" Johanna hiccupped, "I thought it was you in the...water." Peeta closed his eyes for a second. "I thought he…got you and I was too late to save you. And I froze. I felt helpless."
"I'm okay, see. It's me," he said. "I didn't mean to scare you."
Johanna pulled back and smacked him on his chest. "You're a jerk for scaring me like that," she cried then grabbed him to her. "I really thought you were in the tub and that asshole drowned you. I hate you. "
"I hate you too, Jo," Peeta smiled and took a deep breath. "You promised me one day that you're going to teach me how to swim like Finnick taught you." She laughed back and ruffled Peeta's hair. They eyed each other as if they held a silent conversation between them. A moment later, she turned her head and noticed us hovering around them.
"And what are you guys staring at? Can you see that Peeta and I were having a moment?" Johanna bellowed at us. Her voice was shaky but it was Johanna returning to us. All bark and no bite. She was embarrassed for catching her in a weak moment. After all this time, she had never revealed her soft side. I remembered the day I saw her after their rescue. She was emaciated, bald, angry and defiant. She was a hardened victor when we first met but after the Capitol, she wore her pain and experience like a protective armor. Her wall equaled Peeta's; it was formidable, tall and impenetrable.
"Well, excuse us, Johanna," Delly said as she stood and placed her hands on her hips. "Next time you or Peeta scream your lungs out, we'll just ignore you. I mean, how dare we enter your home scared our of our minds because we thought something happened to one of you."
It was silent for a moment or two until Haymitch broke the tension in the air. "So do you want us to get you a glass of water or something?" Haymitch said. Johanna's eyes narrowed as Delly gasped at his crass comment.
"That wasn't funny, Haymitch," Delly shrieked.
"What?" Haymitch responded as he shrugged his shoulders. "You're boyfriend thought it was funny." Bron was hiding a laugh behind his hand.
"You're an asshole, Haymitch," Johanna guffawed. Everyone broke into laughter. Delly knelt down to Peeta and Johanna.
"Don't mind them, they're just insensitive idiots," Delly said to Peeta and Johanna as if she was the one affronted. "Just so you know, I hate you both." Johanna continued to laugh as she was strangled by Delly's tight embrace.
I envied their camaraderie. Johanna and Peeta's friendship and bond was forged from their abuse in the Capitol. I didn't envy that. Their closeness reminded of what I had lost with Gale, his support and friendship. I looked at Peeta who eyes twinkled behind the tears. I realize that with patience and time, I pray that Peeta will feel at ease and comfortable with me as he is with Delly and Johanna. He loved me through the worse times of my life; a time when I was confused and in denial of my feelings for him. I just need to be patient with him.
"Group hug everyone," Delly giggled as she extended an arm to receive Bron who ran up to her.
"Aw, Delly," Haymitch whined. "How old are you? Five? I don't need this sentimental crap."
"Get over here, old man," Delly commanded. Haymitch harrumphed but walked behind Peeta and placed a hand on his shoulder. With Johanna in the center, I wrapped my arms around Bron and Peeta. I may have lost my mother and the Hawthornes as part of my family. My friendship and relationship with Haymitch, Delly, and Johanna with Peeta by my side is a gift I won't take for granted.
Peeta POV –
The night air is cool and refreshing. It felt right having my new family around me. It was a feeling I thought I never would have again after the loss of my kin. I miss my family especially my father. He was a weak man but I loved him nonetheless. But my sense of calm and security was momentary. After our group hug Johanna wiped her teary eyes and revealed a secret she kept to herself since arriving at 12. With the difficult times ahead of us, we swore to each to other that there would be no more secrets amongst us. Johanna kept her secret long before we made that vow.
"I owe you an apology, Peeta," she announced. "I know that we said we would never keep anything from you. No more keeping secrets, but I have and I'm sorry."
"What is it, Jo," I asked. My anxiety spiked as I felt my hands shook. Delly stood beside me as Katniss placed a hand on my arm.
"For some time now, I've been getting letters," she said. I gasped in horror. "The letters…they are not about me but about you, Peet. They are more of a warning…for me to stay away from you kinda letter. You know… 'if I value my life I should stay away from you' message."
"Why didn't you say anything?" Haymitch asked.
"I didn't take it seriously at first and this happened before we knew about the stalking" Johanna explained. "I didn't think it was related."
"You should have still said something to us," Katniss reprimanded. "You shouldn't be handling that on your own."
"I'm more than capable of taking care of myself," Johanna argued. "I didn't want to add more stress for Peeta. He's got enough to worry about let alone worry about me."
I didn't know what to think. She had kept her secret all this time to protect me. Should I be angry? Or should I be scared? Anyone associated to me is in danger; I knew that but her recent revelation crystallize that reality. First Delly and now Johanna, there is a certainty that Katniss is next. I can't keep anyone safe. I couldn't keep Katniss safe in the games and Johanna in the Capitol. I looked at Delly. She had a frightened look on her face. Bron had his arm around her. I'm glad she has Bron. He will protect. But who will protect Haymitch and Katniss? Dear god, what about Greasy Sae and Tamryn? My thoughts spun in a whirlwind of anger, confusion and helplessness.
"Please don't be angry, Peet," Johanna said. "When I saw your clothes floating in the tub…I freaked. I remembered what happened in the Capitol and what they did to me."
"Of course he's not mad," Delly intervened as she stood next to Johanna. "Right, Peeta?" I couldn't answer her. I looked at the two in front of me. These two women stood by me as the rest of Panem abandoned me. I looked at Haymitch and Katniss. They too were left to their own devise. Panem was healing as our world collapsed. Everyone was benefitting from the war. Katniss liberated Panem and her reward was exile. Haymitch who had devoted himself for the rebellion was forgotten for his part to free the districts from the Capitol. I still feel that my life is not my own. After the first arena, I knew that there would never be 'a happily every after' for me. I'm tired of being hunted, chased and manipulated by forces beyond my control. Now there is more at stake.
"Peeta, please say something," Johanna said.
"I'm not angry, Jo," I said. "I'm disappointed and upset. Don't keep things from me. Just don't." I turned to hide what my eyes could not conceal. I knew she meant well but it was a sore topic for me.
"Okay, uhm…I can't stay here tonight. Do you think we can sleep outside, like go camping?" she asked. After the rebellion, Johanna and I spent a few months in the hospital together before they released her earlier than me. Whenever she had an episode, she felt claustrophobic and had screaming fits of feeling boxed in. One night, we snuck out to the rooftop at the hospital and slept under the stars. The next morning they couldn't find us, and the whole hospital went on alert and chaos ensued. When we returned to our rooms, we got a thrashing of our lives that we would never forget from Nurse Seaver. Dr. Aurelius was more understanding and permitted us to sleep there as long as we informed the staff of our intentions.
"I don't think that's a good idea, Johanna," Bron said. "The woods aren't secure. You're too out in the open. Where would you go and feel safe? Besides, it too late."
"I'm not saying that we pack up and go into the woods," Johanna explained. "I thought we could camp out in the backyard. You know, as long as we're just outside."
"That's not safe. You're not safe staying out there," Haymitch added. "Look what happened to Peeta."
"Well, I can't stay here," Johanna said as she shuddered. "I'm crawling out of my skin. Besides, I'm not going sleep. I can't sleep. I just need to be out in the open."
"If you two are going to camp outside then Bron and I are going to join you," Delly said as she looked at her boyfriend. "I've never been camping out before. Sounds fun."
"Delly, you do realize that we're going to sleep in a sleeping bag," Bron added, "and sleep on the cold hard floor?"
"Bron I'm not an idiot," Delly exclaimed in exasperation. "I know that. I've slept on the floor before. Don't treat me like some princess from the Capitol." Bron pulled Delly aside as they argued amongst themselves.
"Well, you kids have fun. You're going to do what you want to do and I know not to argue with any of you," Haymitch announced. "I'm too old to be sleeping and camping out on the ground when I have a nice soft and warm bed at home." He turned and walked out.
"I'm joining you too," Katniss said as I turned to her. Hoping to walk her home.
"Uh, Katniss. I don't think that's a good idea." I said. There was a target on Johanna's back. I didn't want Katniss to have one too. And knowing Delly she'd gladly have one painted on her to protect me. These women are going to be the death of me. "You should go back to your house."
"You can't tell me what to do, Peeta," Katniss admonished. She crossed her arms across her chest. Katniss stood in front of me, stubborn and willful as ever. "Don't you think there's safety in numbers?" I opened my mouth to argue but noticed the scowl on Katniss' face. She didn't look happy. We stared at each other. I battled with her stubbornness against my resolve. She didn't survive with everything she lived through to get hurt because of me. After a few seconds her face softened. "Besides, I haven't slept outside in years and it's a beautiful night to sleep under the stars." Wow, she changed tactics to have her own way. 'Is she flirting with me?' I gulped in nervous tension as my eyes widen. I've been here before and it's not going to happen.
I looked at Johanna for help. She shrugged her shoulders and made no attempt to support me. Strike one for women's solidarity. It seemed that Bron lost his argument too.
"So Bron and I are going back to the house to pick up our sleeping bags and what not," Delly announced as if she won a long arduous battle. Bron looked back at me in a sheepish manner. I foresee that life with these women will be long and eventful. That's if I survived the experience.
Knowing that I lost this battle, I relented. However, Katniss was right. We are safer in numbers, but I need to find a way to stop the threat on the three important women in my life. I hope that I will find a solution soon. There is no way that I'm letting another person in my life be taken away from me. Even if it meant killing to protect those I love.
AN: Happy New Years everyone. Thanks for the reviews and comments. You guys are awesome for taking the time to write them. I hope that everyone is enjoying the fic so far. Until the next update, have a great week.