I pressed Lucas away and looked at him in disbelief. He just kissed me and what was worse I let him. My body trembled and I was shaky. I couldn't believe what just happened. I was unable to speak first and he looked at me tortured and unable to speak himself.
"This was the stupidest thing you could have done" breathed out at him in rage and he looked helpless at me. His eyes were searching for me. I started to cool myself down, I let him kiss me, so it was partly my fault.
"Peyton hurt you and you came here, to what Luke?" I asked "hurt me? Ease the pain? Whatever it was, I don't want to know" I said and collected myself a bit more, this wasn't whatI wanted to say. My eyes still felt wet and my face was stiff.
"Brooke, I was really stupid" he said and was leaning back at me. He wanted to kiss me and I almost closed my eyes again and let it happen. What was wrong with me?
"I think you still are" I said and my voice broke a bit as I stopped him finally getting the straight.
"I'm in a god damn circus" I shook my head and pushed him away again. My anger took over all the other feelings and pushed them aside. I just backed off some steps and tried to focus.
He followed me with his stare and I was unsure what to say. I was missing him, so I let him kiss me. He broke me and in a weird way I thought this kiss could maybe heal me and ease the pain Nathan caused me as well, but it couldn't. It would only cause me and Lucas more pain, I knew he loved Peyton, the blonde girl was still torturing him, her body colliding with someone else, even the thought was torture.
"I don't know what she' done Luke, but whatever it was" I tried to calm myself "go and talk to her, or hook up with a meaningless person" I reminded myself that this actually was what Nathan did and a shiver ran down my back "but don't come to me expecting me to welcome you with open arms" I just said and walked the steps back as he came closer.
"Please don't" I whispered and he backed off a bit. Lucas was standing there and muttered.
"She slept with Jake" he pressed out and I felt sorry for him. He shook his head.
"I don't know if I can forgive her" he added and looked worried at me.
"Get yourself together Lucas" I said and pressed my hand on his chest once again.
"You really look like you need to figure out what you want" I said and left him standing there.
I heard him mutter that he wants me and that he is sure of that now, but I knew better than that. He liked the idea of me. This probably was the only reason we got together in first place. I let the drunk Lucas stay in the gazibo and walked out.
Rachel was holding two cups in her hands and I took one and poured it down with one sip. I was just far enough gone to let my façade down. The alcohol burned my throat and I sighed. I kissed Lucas and it hurt, I felt something again, but it was worse than not feeling anything at all. I glimpsed at Nathan who was flirting with Theresa and rolled my eyes.
"Gosh, you are out of yourself" she whispered and I nodded. I hoped that the alcohol would soon hit me and I wouldn't feel anymore or anything. She offered me her cup and I took it as well.
"I need to walk" I said and went away "could you find Haley and tell her to find someone to get us home, because I just decided on drinking today" I muttered between gulps and Rachel nodded.
I walked passed Bevin and took a bottle of tequila out of her hand.
"Thanks" I said and she just walked away and after 20 seconds said "you're welcome" in a giggly voice.
I sat down on the beach and kicked my shoes off, to feel the sand between my toes and took a gulp from the tequila. I was watching the sky and the stars alone. Bevin lived close to Tim. As kids we used to play here a lot. Nathan and I ended up here, looking at clouds or playing in the water. Now I was drinking the pain away he and his brother caused me. This was kind of ironic.
"Here" Rachel held up a cup for me. I took a sip and noticed that it was just coke.
"Hey!" I screamed unsatisfied.
"Face it, there are problems alcohol probably won't fix" Rachel said and took the bottle away from me.
"At least you are better than that" she whispered and I looked up at her. She really meant this, but I didn't want to hear it right now.
"I was kissed by my ex and I let him kiss me" I exhaled. There it was I told it someone and now I could move on, right?
"Alright maybe you need another gulp" she offered me the bottle and I laughed.
"He just leaned in and kissed me and I…I let him. I don't know why I did it; it felt like I needed him so much. I couldn't let him into my heart again though. This kiss was like drug, I wanted it, though I knew that it would only make me feel worse afterwards" I explained and looked at her. I touched my lips with my finger. I could still feel Luke's lips pressed on mine.
"Just an hour ago, I could have ripped your head off" I said and took a gulp, maybe it would hit soon "and now I tell you about my life"
"Well, you like me that much" Rachel teased and I offered her the bottle.
"So, Owen… Does he know?" I asked.
"That I like him?" she laughed "well he knows that I sleep with him" she added bitterly taking a sip.
"He just doesn't know…"I started.
"You don't get it Brooke" she muttered "he loves me" she chuckled bitter. I wasn't sure if the alcohol was harder than I used it to be, or if I just really didn't get her I am so sad attitude yet. The guy loved her, she just said it herself.
"He just wants me to commit and to trust him, but I…"
"You can't?" I asked as I finally got the message and she nodded. Sure she was the female Nathan! My new friend was the female Nathan, awesome job.
"So he left me, he said he wants me to find out what I really want". Okay she probably wasn't quite the new Nathan.
"And did you?" I asked again and she took a big gulp again.
"I want him" she breathed out almost unbearable for me to hear.
So there we sat. I understood now, why Owen was this tense as Nathan kissed Rachel and I understood why Rachel let Nathan kiss her. How screwed up was the world?
I woke up hung over and unable to move myself anymore. The sun was blinding me and I wondered how I got in my pj's anyways. My throat was dry and I decided to get out of the bed. I remembered to have a really bad dream. I kissed my ex and had a decent talk with Rachel - it must have been a bad dream, right? I just shook my head and noticed the headache. I noted not to do this anymore, like ever. I stepped out of my room and silently walked to the kitchen.
"Hey" Rachel was sitting on the couch, covered with a blanket. Okay maybe my dream wasn't a dream after all. It was just so confusing and unreal that I still figured it was a very vivid dream.
"Hey" I muttered and got a big glass of water. After some sips I noticed that this wasn't my dream anymore, so Rachel was really sitting on my couch.
"What are you doing here?" I asked and Haley just walked out of the bathroom.
"You both were pretty drunk and Owen took care of drunken Nathan, so this made me stick with both of you" she rolled her eyes and brushed her hair.
"Oh" I said and had no excuses left.
Haley just looked at me and sat down on a chair near me.
"I heard from Lucas what happened, so I am not mad" she said and I let myself sink in the other chair.
"So we did?" I asked and my head hurt so much I had to grimace in pain.
"Yes, you kissed" Haley nodded and I gulped the glass of water empty. I almost wished it was tequila, because water really didn't help in that kind of situations.
"He feels like crap as well, if this helps" she offered.
"It doesn't" Lucas said and went out of Haley's bed. He was only wearing his boxers. I bet he didn't even noticed, because he wouldn't walk out like that if he had known.
"Did you?" Rachel looked at them shocked and I joined her glare.
"No, eww" Haley defended herself.
"Thanks" Lucas said and got himself a glass of water "That helps with the self-consciousness"
"No, I mean, actually yeah eeewww, you are like my brother" she said and I started to laugh, though my headache was killing me.
"Sorry I brought him over" Haley said and nervously played with her hair and I looked up at him.
"You are not going to kiss me again, are you?" I just asked and he looked uncomfortable.
"Sorry, I…" he started and I waved him off.
"I already figured" I said and he leaned closer to me.
"I feel like a total asshole, after all I put you through" he whispered and I just looked up at him "just promise me to clear the things before you walk out and kiss someone, especially if this someone is me" I said and he smiled painfully at me.
"Sorry" he mouthed and I smiled back.
"I figured" I tried to ease his guilt.
"Okay, it wasn't my best idea" Haley said.
"I would say it was one of the worst" Rachel agreed "and I even don't know you"
I smiled at Haley "You did okay, I'm not mad, after all I put you through…you deserve to slip once" I looked at Lucas "but next time…please don't let there be a next time" I added and Lucas grinned.
"I try" Haley said.
It knocked on the door, first I thought it was my head that was exploding, but after a while my head still was on my shoulders and the pounding sound didn't stop. I didn't want to move, but no one else did, so I got up and opened the door.
"Hey" Nathan said and I must have looked pretty sleepy or messed up.
"Did I wake you?" was suddenly followed by my appearance.
"No" I said and looked shocked to see him standing at the porch of my apartment. He was hung over as well, so I wondered what he wanted.
"Can we talk?" he asked as if he could read my mind. This phrase shocked me even more, maybe Owen got to him after all and this would explain all the weirdness between us.
"Sure" I whispered and walked back in.
"I need my sweater" I said and Lucas handed me his.
"Thanks" I smiled and walked back. I silently closed the door and stepped towards Nathan. I put the sweater on and noticed that it looked like I was wearing nothing else.
"You wanted to talk" I said and he watched me for some seconds. My weird thoughts came back to his propose to talk and I concentrated on his eyes.
"Actually, never mind" Nathan said suddenly his eyes were worried somehow but then again friendly. He smiled at me before he turned around and started to go away.
I walked after him.
"You just changed your mind?" I asked him. I couldn't understand what just happened.
"Yes" he said and didn't turn back "just pretend I never stepped by" he suggested and I couldn't believe he really meant that.
"But you did" I said and he smirked.
"Go be happy Brooke" he whispered again and left.
I stopped confused. I was lost now; he came over to talk and changed his mind this quickly.
I stayed where I was and watched him leave. I bit my lip and heard him start his car. The car drove away and I was left behind. Flash back, from our fight haunted me and I couldn't believe he left me here again with no explanation, but I wasn't ready to get back inside yet, so I stayed where I was.