Chapter Eleven "Fine Is a Relative Term"

Dean thinks the dreams are over. He thinks his encounter with Sam in his dying state will wipe away all the ugliness he had faced each night. He thinks that he will finally have some peace.

Dean is wrong.

It's his third day in the hospital, though he was in unconscious for the first day. They're starting to lessen his pain medication, allowing him to sleep more naturally. Apparently, that isn't such a good thing for his subconscious.

Dean's not sure why he ever thought the nightmares would end. Maybe that moment, near death, he had some kind of breakthrough, but it hasn't lasted. Because he's still here, and Sam isn't, and that's always going to be wrong.

When he wakes, feeling disoriented and frantic, he doesn't really notice that he's thrashing and screaming until he loses consciousness and wakes again to discover he had to be sedated, and he's torn his stitches, and everything hurts worse than before.

Cas is always there to tell him what's going on. Dean is grateful for the support, but most of the time, he'd rather be alone. He can't say that, though. He can't say much of anything, and he doesn't feel like explaining just yet.

Kevin showed up at some point the first time Dean woke, but he doesn't remember much from that visit since he was starting to feel groggy again from the meds that were very strong at that point.

Now, Dean feels too much. He notices every time one of his friends comes into the room, every sympathetic look or offer of some form assistance or other.

Eventually, Kevin goes back home to get to work on tracking the angels, and Crowley can't seem to sit still for five minutes, but Cas stays. He's beginning to get a rather wilted look that means he hasn't slept well or showered in a few days. Dean wonders if he plans on staying the whole time. Probably.

By the end of the third day, Dean is starting to get his voice back, and he knows there's a lot he needs to bring everyone up to speed on: the mysteriously helpful angel, this Bartholomew guy, even seeing Sam. Dean doesn't want to talk about Sam, but he knows it's long past time to get it all out there. He's not the only one who lost something. He doesn't want to share that with anyone, but he doesn't have much of a choice.

But at the moment, Cas is looking particularly beat, and Dean thinks that now's not the time for all that.

"You should get some sleep," he says, still keeping his voice low to avoid strain.

Cas looks at him curiously. "I'm fine."

Dean shakes his head, one of the few movements that doesn't hurt. "You've been sitting in that chair for three days."

"Two. I spent the first day in the waiting room."

"Details. You're human, and you have to sleep."

"Four hours, right?"

Dean's not sure if he should laugh, but it would hurt too much to try. "Whatever you need."

"I've slept."

"Cat naps. Doesn't count."

"You want me to leave?"

"No, I—well..."

"You could just say so."

"It's not like that."

"But it is dangerous. Bartholomew's people took you to get to me."

"Totally not what I was talking about."

"It's true, though. They will keep coming after me. You know that." Cas seems to have been waiting for an opportunity to bring this up. He says it so matter-of-factly as if talking about the weather.

Dean sighs. "Then we'll deal with it."

"They would have killed you," Cas continues, his voice losing a little of that control. "No matter what I did, we both would have died, and after everything I've done, that's... one more thing I can't have on my conscience."

"What are you saying, Cas?" Dean has a feeling he already knows, and this is not a conversation he wants to have. Ever.

"I'm saying it would be safer for you—and everyone—"

"Don't."

"Dean."

"No. Don't you dare. Don't you walk away; don't—don't you dare leave me, Cas."

Cas gives Dean that pained look he used to get sometimes when they were in Purgatory and he knew he wasn't going to leave with Dean. At this point Dean is about ready to climb out of this bed and shake some sense into his friend. But until he heals, all he has are words.

"You can't save my life and then take it away like that," Dean says as forcefully as he can manage. "You are the only reason I'm still here, and if the angels want you, they gotta go through me first."

Cas smiles grimly. "That shouldn't be too difficult right now."

"You know what I mean, Cas. We've faced worse than them before; we can do it again."

"Not like this." Cas shakes his head. "Not when they're so disorganized and unruly. They have nothing to lose, and they want me dead."

Cas is giving up, and Dean needs to put a stop to this right now.

"And we've got everything to lose," he says. "But there are four of us, and that's more than we've had in a long time. I'm fighting with all I got to keep us alive here, so don't you tell me we can't do this. We have to. I know I'm asking a lot of you, but it's no more than you've asked of me. And I wouldn't ask if I thought you couldn't do it. But I didn't claw my way back from the edge just to watch you give up. I won't."

Cas stares at his hands. "Your faith in me is... comforting."

"Good, 'cause I'm just about done with this whole motivational speaking thing."

"You're the one in the hospital." Cas looks up with a weak smile. "I should be the one offering consolation."

"Keep it. I'm fine."

"Are you?" Cas isn't talking about physical injuries.

Normally, Dean would brush it off, but he knows if he wants Cas to stick around, he has to be honest. Not one of his strong suites.

"I been better," Dean admits. "But I been worse too. Like I said, we got four people working together, and that's more than I thought when..." Dean allows a long sigh to escape his lips. "I thought I'd lost everything. But I didn't."

"You mean that?" Cas seems surprised.

Dean understands why such a statement would be shocking. "Yeah," he says. "I always said you were like family. 'Bout time I started acting like it. And Kevin too. Hell, even Crowley's not completely horrible."

"Not completely," Cas agrees reluctantly.

"He still hate you?"

"I'm not sure. He seemed to... warm a little while we were looking for you. And he did save my life, but I'm assuming that was for your benefit as well."

"It's a start."

"The problem is, he's right. At least, that I betrayed him, but I did the same to you."

"Guess I'm just more forgiving."

"Yes, you are. I've always known that."

It's an odd conversation, and Dean's not entirely sure where it's going to end up, but he's glad he managed to skip over talking about Sam. He knows he'll still have to at some point, but not right now.

"I do have one question," Cas says.

"What's that?" Dean replies.

"Did Crowley—did he kill Meg?"

It's only going to make things worse, but Dean knows he has to tell the truth. "Yes."

~oOo~

It takes a few more days for Dean to be able to sit up. He finally manages to convince Cas to go home for a while, and he notices that Crowley stays when Cas is gone. They're guarding him.

The dreams get worse, and his doctor takes to sedating Dean every night so he won't wake up. That just leaves him trapped in the nightmares longer. The doctor tries to get him to talk to someone about the "trauma." Dean doesn't bother telling him that it has nothing to do with how he ended up in the hospital, and pretends he still doesn't remember anything. He just wants to go home, for this all to be over. At home, he can talk to Cas. He can tell the others about all that happened without fear of being interrupted. He can feel safe again.

It's weird to Dean that he wants that. He needs to be somewhere familiar, even though it reminds him of Sam. Maybe because of that. He knows the dreams are just dreams. He tells himself so every chance he gets, but when he's in it, Dean can't tell the difference. Sam hates him. Sam never came to him when he was dying. That's just a fantasy.

In the daylight, Dean knows what's real. He knows that Sam wants him to keep fighting. He knows the vision was real, and the nightmares aren't. He knows he has to talk to Cas about the whole thing. They say Dean can go home in a few days, but this can't wait.

"I saw Sam," Dean says without preamble.

It's early afternoon, and Cas is standing by the window, staring out onto the parking lot below. "In the dreams?" he asks.

"No—Yes. But I mean I saw him when I was dying."

"You weren't dying." Cas doesn't turn around.

"You're not listening to me. I saw Sam."

"It's only natural."

Dean is feeling better, and he could almost get out of bed and make Cas pay attention, but he'll save that for when he has no other options. "I wasn't dreaming, Cas," he says. "I was about to die, and Sam was there."

Cas finally turns from the window and stares intently at Dean. "How is that possible?"

Dean does his best to explain about Ash and Death. By the end of it, he's still not sure if Cas believes him. Honestly, Dean wouldn't believe it if it hadn't happened to him.

The former angel narrows his eyes, deep in thoughts. "Theoretically, it is possible, but highly unlikely."

"It was Sam," Dean repeats. He can't remember the last time he said his brother's name so much. He hasn't wanted to until now.

Cas sits down on the edge of the bed near Dean's knees. "Okay," he says. "What did he say?"

Dean has been planning on this, but now that it's here, he has a hard time getting the words out. "He—he said I couldn't give up. That I had to keep fighting for you, and..." The and doesn't matter.

"Why would he say that?" Cas asks, surprisingly. "Why wouldn't he want you to be with him?"

"You've got no idea how bad I want you here, to have the real you, and not just these memories, but Dean—you've got more life, more to do. I hate it, but they need you more than I do."

"He did—he does," Dean says. "But he said I needed to stay here."

Cas faces the window again. "Well, if it really was Sam, I'm grateful for that."

If? Dean isn't sure why, but he needs Cas to believe him. "It really was Sam. You're just gonna have to trust me on that."

"You've been dreaming about him so long..."

"I've been dreaming about something, but it ain't Sam."

"Are you absolutely certain?"

"I'm absolutely certain."

Cas nods. "Okay. I believe you."

"Thanks."

"I'm still not sure why you felt the need to tell me."

"Because somebody else needed to know. Like if I didn't say it out loud, maybe it never happened."

Cas looks at Dean again. "I understand. Why is it that we can know things are true while they're happening, but doubt them later?"

"'Cause good things don't happen to us, Cas."

"I know."

~oOo~

Going home is an experience of mixed emotions. Dean is happy to be leaving the hospital for a place he might finally have some time to himself. He's happy that he can stand on his own two feet. For a while, anyway. It's more of an effort than it should be to get to the car and make the trip back to the bunker. And there's the fact that Crowley is driving his Baby and listening to some girly music. Every time Dean tries to change the station, Crowley swats his hand away. Kevin makes supportive comments from the backseat, but it doesn't do much good.

When they get back, Cas has set up Dean's room to make it easier to get around. He's also managed to make lunch, which is canned soup and some rather burnt looking grilled cheese sandwiches. Dean's not about to complain. He can put on a happy face for now. He's pretty sure that's the only way anyone will leave him alone more than a few minutes. He's half afraid they're going to set up a bedside vigil in his room, alternating every few hours. But they don't.

Dean is alone at last, safe in his private haven. What he wouldn't give for a crummy motel room and the sound of his brother's steady breathing right now.

Dean tries to sleep, but every time he closes his eyes, he keeps seeing Sam's face and fearing what happens next. He knows if he takes the drugs the doctor gave him to help him sleep, he'll get stuck in those dreams. Maybe it's the best he can hope for with the alternative being no sleep at all or waking up suddenly and jarring his sensitive ribs. He debates for a long time until he realizes that the last option isn't really an option at all because he's not going to get to sleep on his own. Now that's he's off 24/7 pain meds, his mind is more alert and he can feel every stab, even when he's not moving a muscle. If he doesn't sleep, the others will worry. Dean can't stand it when people worry over him.

Finally, he staggers out of bed and grabs the sleeping pills on the nightstand. He takes a couple without water and cringes as he gets back into bed. He's faced the dreams every night for the past few months. He can face them again.

I'm not particularly thrilled with this chapter. There are parts I really like, but the whole being stuck in the hospital thing is something I've always found tedious. I wanted there to be a reasonable amount of time between when Dean woke up and when he was able to leave since he was pretty beat up. Still, it feels wrong to have him just lying there talking. He's so much more dynamic than that. Thankfully, there's only one chapter of that, and Dean will get back in action soon.