****** WARNING! Past sexual abuse, nightmares, Panic attacks, Depression, etc ******
Thank you for the overwhelming amount of comments, kudos and support for Chap 10! (^_^)
All of you are such amazing pumpkin pies! ;)
Chapter 11
The darkness convulsed and shrank. Fierce and wild like a living, breathing organism. There was no mercy. No place that Yuuri could escape to. No place that offered refuge from adult hands and the sweltering heat of gyrating bodies. There was a scream lodged so deep in Yuuri's esophagus he could feel it in the chambers of his lungs. There was nothing but a blur of agony and desperation, and nothing Yuuri's small, child-like hands did helped him.
It was like free-falling into a black hole -a void with no beginning or ending- with nothing in sight except pitch-black darkness and silence that stretched out into eternity. There was nothing there except Yuuri and the skeletons that followed him from the closet, so when Yuuri's mouth opened and stretched around the phantom erection, his throat rebelled and he jolted awake with a hopeless whimper and tears in his eyes.
Yuuri blindly clawed and flailed until his panicked mind registered the soft, downy smoothness under his fingertips. The pillow smelled fresh, but the growing dampness on the cover destroyed the facade, so Yuuri frantically pressed his face into the pillow until his gasps were forcefully muffled by the thick material. Moments crawled by with the same sluggishness that had invaded every one of his thoughts, and when the iron cage around Yuuri's chest loosened he pushed himself from the sofa on shaky arms.
The hotel room was illuminated by TV screen's glow and it painted the walls of the room in a nuclear-blue that reminded Yuuri of the moon. The writing panic behind Yuuri's retinas slowly trickled away. The beige colour of his hotel room was blessedly concealed under the blue glow and, suddenly, Yuuri's legs went weak with relief. An arm shot out and grabbed his elbow. Instinctively, before Yuuri could comprehend the action, he flinched back like someone had lit his skin on fire.
A long, heavy silence stretched on and on ...marching forward without a care in the world.
The ants underneath Yuuri's skin settled when Yuuri's eyes landed on Yurio's face. When it landed on green eyes, shoulder-length strands of sun-blended gold and an angular face.
"It's ok, Katsudon. Look. See? I'm not gonna touch you-"
The sight of Yurio trying to comfort him made Yuuri's head spin with confusion until he remembered yesterday's events. Remembered how the door opened and how horror -so deep and consuming- slammed into him. For the first time in a decade, Yuuri's ghost had finally returned to consume him and drag him back into hell.
"Y-Yu-" Yuuri's voice broke halfway through his friend's name, and Yuuri had to clear his throat a few times before his voice started to splutter back into life.
"-Yurio, wh-why are you h-here?" Yuuri's stomach gave a dangerous heave and he instinctively latched onto the safety of his friend's presence. As soon as Yuuri's hand shot forward and enveloped Yurio's arms in a shaking grip, the tension and angry concern on the young skater's face eased.
"Did you forget, dumbass?-"
Yurio glanced away and ground his teeth, and the blatant display of protective anger restored some speck warmth into Yuuri's toes.
"You got sick. Kept throwing up-" The naked fear in Yurio's eyes nearly broke Yuuri's resolve, but Yuuri held on to his tip-of-the-tongue secret with an unyielding grip.
"-I was...I think I ate some-something bad. I'm ok now, Yurio. You-you can leave now if you-"
Yuuri tried to keep the desperation out of his voice, but it must have been a pitiful attempt because Yurio's eyes widened in shock.
"Che, don't be stupid, Katsudon. I can't leave you when you're like this. You'd probably land in a hospital without me." The arms that guided Yuuri to the bed was infinitely gentle, and Yuuri leaned into the comfort offered in that touch.
"Lie down before you fall down. I'm going to go out to get some-"
Before Yurio could finish his sentence, Yuuri's arm shot out. He wasn't even aware that he had squeezed that hard until Yurio let out a disgruntled hiss. Yuuri let go off his friend's arm like it was a flaming-hot piece of coal.
The shame and self-loathing that flickered on Yuuri's cheeks magnified the whispers behind his ears. The whispers that urged him to cut. To atone for hurting Yurio with his own blood...but, the elbow that nudged Yuuri's arm was still kind. Understanding.
"Ok, fine. So what do you want to eat, katsudon?"
Yuuri dug into his reserves and managed to dredge up a frail smile for the young skater.
"I- maybe pizza?"
Yurio gave him a satisfied nod before his friend turned around and reached for the phone on the night stand. As soon as Yurio turned his back to Yuuri, Yuuri wiped a trembling hand over his eyes, catching the stray drops of tears that refused to fall but still lingered at the corners of his eyes. The renewed fear that ran through his veins was monstrous. Everything felt too sensitive and too numb at the same time, and no matter how much air Yuuri inhaled, there was a gaping hole in his lungs that made him feel empty.
Scraped raw.
It was like he was underwater, where everything was muted and distant but still there. It was like Yuuri was drowning on land... Drowning in plain sight and there was no one there to toss him a life jacket.
There was a buzz before Yuuri's phone lit up. A text message from Viktor greeted him and the words: 'You're still sick so remember to take care of yourself, Lyubimiy ' made the cage around his lungs loosen and Yuuri inhaled his first deep breath in days.
The last three days were torture. It was like waiting for death on the execution stand whilst every second of everyday Yuuri's skin crawled with dread. Yuuri's life stopped the day he saw Ray's face. The universe stopped spinning and the world stopped moving, and slowly everything revolved around avoiding Ray like he was the damn bubonic plague.
This was the first time in three days that Yuuri chose to venture out of his hotel room. Every alarm in Yuuri's head was dialed up to the maximum, but Yuuri pushed through the thick cloud of fear and kept it at bay until the hotel door clicked shut, and his key card was buried inside his bag.
Yuuri focused on the tips of his shoes, even though every alarm in his head was going haywire. The klaxons of internal fear pounded against Yuuri's ear, and even silence, rang with a high-pitched trill.
The path Yuuri took was a blur. A hazy recollection tucked behind his anxiety. However, the moment the genuine cold feeling of the ice hit Yuuri's senses, everything stilled. The air was a crisp frostiness that soothed the voices in Yuuri's head. It was a barrier. A shield.
It was his sanctuary and Yuuri couldn't avoid the ice's call even if he wanted to.
The sight of his breath floating in front of him was a welcome sight, and a small chuckle ripped out of his lips with breathless wonder. That was the first laugh Yuuri had in days, and it was only right that his first laugh in days would be dedicated to the ice.
To the kingdom that protected his mind. To the kingdom of ice that gave him nothing but comfort and sanity.
So, when Yuuri's skates touched the ice, he lost himself to the music that pulsed through his earphones and to the smooth, familiar glides that cut through the air. Yuuri danced and danced, and all his agonies were spilled across the pristine white like blood. There were no limits on the ice. Nothing except Yuuri and his body, and this was the only time Yuuri loved his body. The only time that he felt comfortable in his own skin.
As the music accelerated to a crescendo Yuuri tucked his body in and flung himself up, and the next few seconds hung in space like stars. When Yuuri landed, his face broke into a smile. He landed a steady triple jump and that joy trailed after Yuuri, even as he stepped off the ice.
The joy that was infused in Yuuri's body blocked his senses with its brightness, so Yuuri did not hear the sonorous sound of claps echoing against the walls of the empty rink, until the noise permeated into his consciousness. Yuuri's head whipped around in surprise and he nearly tripped when he saw who it was.
His former teacher casually stood a few meters away, with a mischievous grin on his lips and confidence oozing out of every pore.
"That was amazing, Katsuki-san."
Yuuri felt every hair on his body stand on end and his stomach gave a warning roll. The fear that took a backseat on the ice, came back with vengeance and it ate every good thought.
There was nothing but hopelessness in Yuuri's chest. The litany of -pleasenogodhelp nonononono- pulsed with the same insistence as Yuuri's erratic heartbeat. Yuuri weakly pressed a sweaty palm into his stomach, hoping to shove in courage and tenacity so that the cowardly mass of fear would abate, but it didn't work. Nothing worked.
Any measly drops of courage and strength that Yuuri had gained throughout the years, was washed away in the presence of his rapist. Every molecule in Yuuri's body froze and the familiar feeling of numbness flooded his nervous system.
"Congratulations on getting second place in the Short Program,Yuuri-chan ."
Yuuri recoiled so fast and so hard that he hit the rink's barrier with enough force to bruise his back. The nickname grated on his ears, and Yuuri had never heard nails on a chalkboard before, but this vile parody of his name will always be Yuuri's 'nails on a chalkboard'.
"Do you remember me, Yuuri-chan? Because I recognized you the second I saw your face."
No, this must be a nightmare. How-How can this still happen?
The questions lingered with Yuuri, and when a hand landed next to Yuuri's head he screwed his eyes shut, unwilling to remember the sight of that face, staring at him at such a small distance away.
"I've missed you so much. Not matter who I found afterwards. I could never forget your beautiful face, Yuuri-chan."
The whispers hit the shell of Yuuri's ear in a convoluted, mocking caress. The smell of Ray's cologne swamped his nostrils until it felt like he could choke to death on the odour, and the invasive finger that brushed from the tip of Yuuri's ear and down his jawline made Yuuri want bathe himself with acid. Bathe himself with anything that could strip away the violation on his skin.
"Don't you miss me, Yuuri-chan?" Ray's lips brushed against Yuuri's ear, and tears sprung to his eyes because he knew...
Yuuri understood lust.
There was nothing in the world Yuuri understood more intimately than lust. Nothing he understood more than violent lust, so when Yuuri felt Ray's hand viciously clamp down on his hip and another hand trailed up his thigh, Yuuri bit his lips so hard he broke skin.
With a wobbly whimper, Yuuri hissed: "Don't fucking touch me! Don't you dare-! Get off-"
Ray's hands stopped. The only thing that hung in the silence between them was Yuuri's hitching breaths, and the silence crawled on until a tight grip circled his arm and slammed him against the barrier.
Yuuri gasped when Ray's fingers dug into his skin.
When it dug hard enough to leave bruises.
"What are you going to do, Yuuri-chan? You don't have the courage." Ray's smile was sharp and cruel, with echoes of violence lurking in those eyes.
"Little Yuri~ You call him- what was it again? Oh yes, Yurio,"
Horror welled up within Yuuri so fast, it left him dizzy with distress.
"Stay away from him ! Don't you fucking dare!" Yuuri's voice was a garbled snarl, pulsating with a protective fury that he rarely felt before. With a protective, savage fire that he didn't even know he possessed.
"So go ahead. Tell the world!" Ray's eyes were darker than the fires of hell and diluted with unconcealed gluttony. The Monster in front of him was perversely aroused by his distress and pain, and when Yuuri saw the same hungry gleam, it stirred old memories until past and present become tangled into a ball of mishmash reality.
"Tell your precious Viktor about me. Go on! Maybe your precious Viktor might like the videos, hmm?"
The feeling of utter despair and desolation sunk into Yuuri's bones until every limb in his body felt as brittle as a snowflake.
"Will he still love you ? Will he still love someone who chose to stay instead of walking away?"
Yuuri shook his head and tried to dislodge the words from his head. Tried to dislodge the agony that ripped through his heart at the mention of Viktor's name. The tears that flowed down Yuuri's cheeks were saltier than the Dead Sea. They were like a brand. His own brand of shame.
"You had a lot of opportunities to report me to the police, but you didn't, Yuuri-chan. You didn't. The 10 children after you...well, isn't that your fault?"
Ray's last mocking murmur against Yuuri's ears was ruthless, and it drove a stake of guilt into deep into his heart; so, when those vile, disgusting hands left his body Yuuri crumpled to the ground in a heap of agony.
In a heap of hopeless despair, because his monster was back and Yuuri didn't know how to ask for help.
Didn't know how to break away from his shackles.
From the prison of his past.
A/N:
This was a hard chapter to write...and well, I triggered myself a few times trying to write 2,200-ish words. That's- yeah :(
But as you all can guess, this chapter is very personal...it's very very close to my own experiences...UGGHHHH coercion...it's a tough puppy to deal with. Here, the guilt that Yuuri feels...well, it's not a new experience and the dilemma of testifying or reporting something is real.
And well, I also had a bit of an issue with this chapter too cause I was a bit demotivated. I wanted to recommend my fic to other people but I feel guilty.. because a few people have told me that fics about...rape/non-con, domestic violence and sensitive issues shouldn't be recommended because it's like condoning these acts...and there have been people who have asked me if I write any stories that are "happier" because all my stories are about violence and abuse and suffering. It's just...well comments like that make me feel lacking. Like there's something wrong with me, I guess? cause I can't seem to be able to write light stories. I told them that my stories are a form of therapy for me. A way to allow me to process the things that have happened...but I got replies saying that they think that dwelling on bad experienced makes them worst and that I should just write fluff and other "lighter" stories. So I don't know...it just kind of hit me hard.
Please leave a comment and tell me how this chapter was? Thank you for listening to me rant again...I usually don't put long author notes so feel free to skip the A/N :)